the power of The Pause

I just got back celebrating my birthday with some serious outdoor time in the Wrangell-St. Elias National Park and then the east side of the Sierra Nevada in California (my absolute favorite place in the world). Can you say Endless Seas of Granite? My idea of HEAVEN <3

I meditated daily during this break, and I tell you – when I got back, I was a hell of a lot more patient with the world. Way more than I would have been had I just been hiking but not meditating.

Those of you who’ve worked with me know I incorporate mindfulness and meditation into my coaching programs.

Why is it that on top of encouraging my clients to have daily (and epic) adventures and to live unconventional + unapologetically authentic lives would I incorporate something as seemingly…”boring” as meditation?

The Power of the Pause.

Here’s the deal: once you start doing the hard work and pushing yourself to grow and evolve and shed the bullshit so you can be the most authentic version of you, you start to pay attention to how you think and how you feel.

On this path, we need to get curious about our thoughts and feelings because it is precisely these thoughts and feelings that get in the way of our evolution, of making the best choices for ourselves and taking a new path instead of the old ones that keep taking us down the same boring lane we are so sick of.

The hard truth is that most of us will find that many of our thoughts are about how inadequate or undeserving we are. We find that our feelings are often…shitty ones. Boredom. Anxiety. Loneliness. Anxiety. Anger. Anxiety. (can you tell which one I most struggle with?)

So why would we want to do something like meditate and intentionally spend time noticing and experiencing those thoughts and emotions? Why would we ever want to do something that felt so…uncomfortable?

Becoming aware of these negative thoughts and feelings is not optional if you want to evolve. It is a necessity.

We may feel we don’t have any control over our thoughts and feelings. However, once we recognize them, we DO have more control over how we respond to them.

At first there is just a millisecond between a thought and feeling before we take an action. Often, we aren’t even aware of the thought or feeling we have before we react…which is why our actions are often inappropriate or not in our best interests.

When someone is rude to us, we think “what a jerk!” and we might yell or just be pissed for the rest of the morning. If only we knew they just found out the love of their life was leaving them for another person. If we chose to have a different thought about them instead – one that gave them the benefit of the doubt – we’d respond differently. We’d also feel differently about the situation.

So how do we lengthen that pause?

Mindfulness. And Meditation.

These are the ONLY things I have found that help me stretch the time between a shitty thought or feeling, and the way I respond.

The more I meditate, the more I notice, “Interesting. I wonder why I am choosing to interpret things this way?” and I remember that my response is based on how I am thinking about the situation, rather that what is actually going on.

Eventually, after practicing meditation regularly (even for only 10 minutes a day), we can add a few more milliseconds between our thoughts and feelings and our actions.

That can make all the difference.

We can make better choices about how we want to think about the situation, or at the very least, choose a healthier response. One that makes us proud about how we showed up in the world.

Let’s face it: the world needs more people who care about how they show up.

We really only just need a smidge of time between our thoughts and what we do. Enough time to have a Pause. Enough time to make a better choice.

Sometimes (or often) my insight comes after the event. I still give myself credit for that, because hey, life is hard enough. But the more I practice, the better I get.

The times I let my practice slide, the less compassionate I am in the world. I just don’t have as much ability to see the other person’s perspective, or the bigger picture of a hard situation I am in. No bueno.

If meditation isn’t your thing, start with just trying to be more mindful. Savor that mango. That glass of wine. That sunset.

Take pauses throughout the day and try to notice things with every sense available to your body – the weight of your body being pulled by the earth, the texture of the ground you are on or the clothes you are wearing, the sounds around you, don’t just see the tree but also see the individual leaves and their textures and how they move in the wind; take in the scent of the air (or your b.o. if you were stuck in a tent during a thunderstorm like I was ;).

Just noticing LIFE more will help you notice your mind more.

Pick something right now that you are going to notice every single detail about – even if only for 5 seconds. Your breath passing in and out of your nose? A kiss? Cuddling with your furry friend? It’s not too hard to start.

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

the real reason why it never feels like enough​​​​​​​

I want to let you in on a really important ingredient for creating authentic happiness – the kind that stands the test of time and is more resilient to the hard stuff that comes our way.

We often feel that it’s justifiable to feel like something is missing in our lives when we have some heavy shit going on. For me right now, it’s marriage struggles (marriage is hard, yo!) and my mom’s recent death. For my friends and clients, it’s things like feeling they’ve missed out on truly being themselves for decades and grieving that loss; struggling with loneliness and wanting a life partner; miscarriages; loss of identity…it goes on and on. It’s the shit that comes with being alive and human. The “truth of the existence of suffering” that Buddha reminded us all of millennia ago. It makes total sense that we feel like something is missing during those times.

Thing is, we also tend to feel like something is missing even when life DOES seem like its going really well! For example, here are a few scenarios that coaching can help a lot with:

•    you have a bitchy inner critic that tells you you aren’t worthy of a better life
•    you have a tendency to make bad choices relationship after relationship
•    you are a perpetual perfectionist and can’t seem to start, finish, or let go of anything because of your need to have it be flawless
•    you keep searching for a life with more meaning and purpose…and still haven’t found it
•    you struggle with creating healthy boundaries and saying “No” to people, trapped in a never-ending cycle of people-pleasing and lack of self care.
•    you feel trapped and stuck
•    you wallow in a scarcity mindset, blocking abundance from entering your life
•    you feel a lack of self love and self-worth
•    you wonder why you don’t feel confident or courageous enough to do what it takes

While coaching is great for these scenarios, what a lot of people don’t talk about is that once you achieve a lot of your goals – the freedom, the location-independent lifestyle, the abundance, the awesome relationship, the killer career, the confidence – we still tend feel that something is missing.

And let me tell you – that moment sucks. Royally.

Here you are, having done the spiritual work, the intellectual work, the creative work, the courageous work – a LOT of freakin’ work – and it all seems perfect, yet something is Still. Freakin’. Missing.

So what is this missing thing? It’s not as sexy as you might think, but it’s damn important, and I’ve seen it over and over. It helps when we are in some deep dark times of life, and it helps when we have that nagging feeling of being incomplete even when life seems amazing.

It’s not gratitude, although that is still a daily practice I do every morning.

It’s … (drum roll!) … being of service to others. Or better yet – feeling we are of service to others. Or even better yet…a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives (which tends to be connected with service to others).

Truth is, we are born to serve in a powerful way.

You can do all the gratitude journaling you want, but if you don’t feel a sense of purpose or meaning in life, if you aren’t clear about how your unique self is undeniably needed in the world and how you fit into it all, it won’t help you with this feeling that something is missing.

We are meant to use all the skills we learned up until this glorious moment and use them to (no pressure here;) change the world. From what I have seen, we humans cannot seem to be able to feel totally fulfilled in life if we are not deeply serving in some way.

In order to serve powerfully, we must muster the deepest type of courage yet. This is courage deeper than what is required to ask for a raise, or to start our own business, or to leave the toxic relationship.

Don’t get me wrong – they are related, and the first kind of courage is requisite to getting to the next level of bravery.

But what is required of you to truly feel like your life is enough is the courage to be of deep, devoted service to something greater than yourself.

 

So, in order to be able to feel maximally fulfilled, I highly recommend you set to work on making the world a better place.

When I look back on my life, it is not the peaks I have climbed, the adventures I have been on, or the financial milestones that help me feel that today would be a good day to die – although I will be the first to admit that they certainly help me feel better about that day.

Rather, it is the times that I have made other people’s lives better that help me sleep at night and live more courageously. The times I spent in Africa working with refugees on the borders of Rwanda, Uganda and the DRC. The times I forgave people that deeply hurt me. The times I risked disappointing others and being criticized in order to bring a bigger message to the world through my coaching. The times I delivered babies in a public hospital for Haitian women, or sat with a mother holding her stillborn and allowed myself to cry with her in sisterhood.

I am sure that you too can recall the moments you have touched someone’s heart with your actions, and how grounded and complete you felt.

Because you have been there, you know that this goal of ultimate fulfillment is not for the faint of heart.

It takes a lot of courage to serve others fully. To allow ourselves to feel the pain and suffering of others and to take action to stop it. To be so vulnerable with strangers that it scares the shit out of you.

On top of that, you also have to know what the world truly needs in order to best bring your gifts to the world in acts of service. And learning what the world needs can be terrifying, scary, and overwhelming.
 
But you can do it. You MUST do it.

You were born to do it.

I have clients break down in tears when they realize this, and it’s understandable, because the responsibility can feel overwhelming. But trust me – you don’t need to do anything more than discover your gifts and live them fully. This is truly of service to the world.

You do not need to head into war zones or depraved conditions (unless that’s a part of your gift), but you do need to discover and be honest with yourself about what you are good at, and how it can help make the world a better place than when you arrived.

Living your true gift involves some form of deep service pr contribution to others – even if that may not be obvious to you at this moment.

It’s scary, but you can find the ziji, the courage, the confidence to do it.

How do we get this kind of courage so we can explore our true purpose? In my experience, this deeply driven courage is created by an emotion that deserves much more bandwidth than topics like the courage or the confidence to manifest your dreams (even though that’s what I totally dig writing about):

It’s Compassion – for yourself and for others.

Compassion is the most courageous emotion we can carry, and the brave acts it allows us to undertake is why it is the emotion that helps our life feel like one well-lived.

As Pema Chödrön, a Tibetan Buddhist nun, said:

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”

There you have it.

If you want to live a truly courageous and deeply fulfilling life, open your heart.

First to yourself. This gives us the courage to go beyond our own needs.

Then open your heart to others, and look deeply into their eyes.

Feel the pain, the suffering, the injustices.

Do the work. Learn what you need to. Spend time alone. Spend time with people who really matter.

Fiercely quest for your purpose.

Let any ideas of your previous self die away, so that you may truly be open to the gift that only you are able to deliver – one you may have no freakin’ idea about yet. Or one you know about, but that really, really scares you to think about embodying.

You are enough, and the best way to see that – and indeed, the best way to feel that – is to discover that gift and how to best bring it to the world in service.

What does that look like for you? Is it volunteering with a local organization or abroad? Changing the focus of your biz? Leaving your job to raise your kiddos on a sailboat? Opening up a community gathering place? Helping people feel beautiful when they feel absolutely devastated inside? Giving people hope when they have lost their mojo?

Share with me on the blog or hit reply on this email to tell me about your gifts, or what has helped you sleep better at night, the ways you love to serve, the ways you dream to serve. I love this kind of stuff – and trust me, I’ll reply.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

Days 150 to 162 – A Very Sensitive Girlfriend

Here’s the flowers he brought me when picking me up from the airport. He said, “But I didn’t pick them.” How sweet is that!?

I am not quite sure what brings me to the precipice of insanity, but lack of sleep these days seems to be pretty good at it. My poor boyfriend. I have been cranking on getting my ducks in a row for a three-month adventure and as a result, I am a bit behind on the zzzzs. The problem is I LOVE what I do so much, I don’t really care that I am not sleeping well until I start feeling the consequences.

Take a lack of sleep and add: moving to a new state, having to make a whole new set of friends, learning two new sports in 6 months, both of which involve extreme cold, wet, big falls, or breathing water if you mess up, having to poo in a plastic bag while you build your bathroom, having to sell your motorcycle (gasp!) and trying to rent out or sell your house on your iphone at red light stops, not doing yoga for three weeks…

And what do you get?

A very sensitive girlfriend.

Well, at least that’s what my boyfriend gets. Everyone else gets my smile and my laughter and my big juicy hugs because I can do that even when sleep-deprived. But we all know that any relationship worth it’s salt involves vulnerability and intimacy and a whole bunch of other things that aren’t easy to pull off with a fleeting smile, and even harder to pull off with few chi reserves.

Let’s cut to the chase and get to the story. And a story it is. A grand story I created in my sleep-deprived mind.

My boyfriend spends a lot less money than I do. A LOT less. We both make a good living. We both have really good reasons for living the way we do. And we also really respect the values one another has that leads to us doing things differently. But when this wild woman starts getting cranky, I just wish that he did things my way sometimes. Go figure!

Helpful hint: I LOVE love love eating out. After so many years eating crap ghetto food and cold food on a mountain (even though I really do love beans and rice), it is quite the treat for me.

And it doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t eat out so much. I just go with my girlfriends and live it up. What DID bother me recently was when several days in a row we get invited to meet friends at fancy places and we – HE – goes, completely willingly! I’m watching him hang out with our friends as they order hundreds of dollars worth of food and beverage.

I boil inside. The monumental hypocrisy! At least that’s how it felt at the time.

(I am going to preface the following paragraph with acknowledging that my man is totally awesome and romantic, and that I was a bit on the precipice when I thought this. But, I’m being real about my being on the precipice here.)

OK. We’re back to the boil. I think, “Wouldn’t it be fucking AWESOME if he thought of taking his girlfriend who just moved to fucking Alaska and who is selling her freakin’ house to be here and who left her friends and community out on a fucking date to a fucking wine bar or something? Wouldn’t that be just fucking awesome???????!!!!!!!” It would. But perhaps not so fun with this particular version of her right now.

I don’t say anything. Until I’m about to get on the plane for a quick trip to Oregon.

I try to rationalize inside that I am feeling a disproprotionate amount of anger for what the situation is. Yet I don’t know how to express myself reasonably under all this sleep deprivation. Oh, the inner turmoil! (hand on forehead, look of exasperation…) So I just shut up and fold clothes or something. And I pray and pray he won’t ask me the question.

But then he asks, “What is wrong?” Oops. I let it rip. Not in a completely crazy-making way, but in a way that was much less effective than it could have been. OK, maybe it was in a moderately crazy-making way. Instead of saying, “It would be nice if you could take me on a date to a yummy restaurant sometime. I think it would be really romantic. I’m going through a lot of changes and it would be a fun thing for me to do,” I gave a version of what I gave you above without so many of the f-bombs.

Then I say how I wish he would say “I love you” more (even though I know perfectly well that it isn’t how he expresses love most of the time). And really I don’t wish that. I just wished I didn’t feel the way I did just then.

Then it somehow morphed into me dramatizing that I hate how he feels resentful about how hard I’m working when really I am working so much so that I don’t HAVE to work for three whole months! And isn’t he a lucky dude to have a successful woman who can also pull off 3-months of playing without much notice AND pay mortgages on a nice home and a ski condo? I have no idea where that came out of, but now I know that he came to the conclusion that I somehow think we don’t spend enough time together.

This type of miscommunication is what happens when you are tired.

I spent the next few days going over our relationship, and in particular remembering the book The 5 Love Languages.

I felt guilty. Not for wanting the things I do, but for the way in which I was asking for them. I knew better.

Sure, he doesn’t take me to fancy restaurants, but do you know what he does do? He calls me on satellite phones from the South Pole just to chat. He gets up an hour before I do in an Alaskan winter and heats the yurt before I get out of bed. He cooks me dinner almost every night, makes tea for me in the morning, and started buying locally and organic vegetables. He brought me berries for my green smoothies, and he moved to Oregon with me so we could grow closer as I transitioned. He picks me wildflowers and hides little love notes in my bags when we’re going to be apart for awhile.

He takes me on easy rivers to learn new ways to have adventures. He is patient and kind with me and supports my dreams. He brags about me. He makes things happen. He built our home. He is continually trying to make it more comfortable for me. He takes me dancing and holds me tightly when I’m crying. He meditates with me as we sit in the sun on rocks, and we do this groovy tai chi-yoga-contact-dance thing when we’re feeling crunchy. He adventures with me all over the world. He is very, very romantic. And much much more.

So I guess I could have said, “Hey, how about a date night to a nice restaurant? I’d like that. It would mean a lot to me. Surprise me sometime soon, please;)”

And I could have said, “Here’s what I noticed that makes me really appreciate you…Did I miss anything? I want to learn all the ways you love me.”

And I could have said, “I know. You wish I wasn’t so busy so that we could spend more time together, because you love me. And we’ve waited for this opportunity for a long time. I know it’s frustrating. Soon, amor, soon….”

Well, it’s always easier in hindsight. I’ve been getting more sleep, and I am really really excited to hang out with my man and play in the mountains. And make dinners. And do all the things that help me remember – every day – why I am so lucky to be with him. And I bet he’s feeling the same way, ‘cuz that’s how we roll. Lucky me;)

(PS: I bet a few of my wishes will come true really soon. Focus on what you want, peeps. Not on what you don’t want).

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps pasionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly Jedi Juice™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)!

Can I Trust You?

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
~ Spencer Johnson

The ability to trust in all our relationships – not just intimate ones – allows us to take the risks necessary to grow. In addition, knowing how we decide someone is trustworthy is ultimately not so important for “protecting” ourselves, but rather, in a Ziji Up! kind of way, to also know:

Are YOU the type of person people can trust?

This often is about living with integrity.

People want to know where you stand, what you value, and if you act accordingly. It isn’t so much even WHAT those specific values are, or even about always knowing what is “right” or “wrong” (which, by the way, is often a futile effort).

Rather, whether someone trusts you or not is more about if YOU know what you value, if that somehow includes consideration of others, if you act consistently in the things that matter, and if you’re honest with yourself and others.

That is what builds trust.

For example, in romantic partnerships, trust isn’t only about fidelity, even though that is the way it is often used. In reality, whether or not your partner can trust you is also about wanting to know if you’ll consistently show up fully and authentically in the relationship in the context of the values you share:

*Can I trust that you’ll be home on time for dinner as you said you would?

*Can I trust you’ll keep supporting me in pursuing my passions in life?

*Can I trust you to bring home your share of the money to pay our bills?

*Can I trust that you’ll not spend us into debt?

*Can I trust that you’ll watch the kids the way I do?

*Can I trust that you’ll do the laundry and not ruin my shirts?

*Can I trust that you’ll be open to making love with me tonight?

*Can I trust that you’ll be honest with me?

It is about knowing, “Can I count on you?”

The greatest benefit to living with integrity is that ultimately this leads to you having more trust in YOURSELF.

And when you have more trust in yourself, your Ziji grows, you are more confident. You are proud of who you are and how you are in the world.

Then you will take more important risks. And you will stretch. And grow. And live full-on.

Take the rest of this month to observe how consistent you are in your actions. When you find an inconsistency, what can you learn from that?

Is it harder to stay consistent when you’re worrying about what others might think?
When you’re feeling insecure?
When you’re worried about disappointing someone?
When you feel you might not be liked by someone anymore?
When it is inconvenient?
__________________________________


One of my favorite poems about “showing up” is The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (I know…woo woo name but awesome poem). I invite you to partake:



It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,”Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Discover Your Purpose and Live Your Genius

Many of us spend a lot of time doing things we’re good at…if we’re lucky, maybe even things we’re great at. However, very few of us hang out in our GENIUS for very long (or even know what our genius is, for that matter!). Read on for a little help finding out what your genius is so you can spend more time in it every day.

“I expand in abundance, success and love every day as I inspire those around me to do the same.” ~ The Ultimate Success Mantra in The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks

The above “mantra” is encouraged to be said regularly in Gay Hendricks’ book, The Big Leap. I put it here because while we are all trying to figure out what the hoo-hah we’re supposed to be doing to live our purpose and genius, we need to remember to keep moving forward during that process, and saying this mantra can be a good reminder. Plus I simply dig quotes.

Hendricks says it even produces results – just saying the mantra! Why not! But more on mantras another time. If you’re as impatient as I am, you probably want to know if there are any tools out there that can also speed things up towards your genius 😉

Here are four questions to help you move closer to discovering your purpose and living your genius (you can read more about them in The Big Leap) .

4 Questions to Discover Your Purpose and Live Your Genius

1. What do I most love to do?
I love to play in the mountains and have adventures. Ever since I discovered them, the mountains have been one of the most consistent joy-producing sources in my life. I also love to dance. Throw me in the mountains to dance, and I am a pig in mud, a bee on pollen, a bear on salmon. What do YOU most love to do, so much that you could do it for long stretches of time and never get bored?

2. What work do I do that doesn’t seem like work?
When I am coaching, I remember the Double Dare Club I started as a kid (see below). I would feel a tickle in my stomach and a tingling in my whole being when I was doing something that stretched me, and watching and inspiring others to experience that as well. I could do that all day. I still feel that in my adult career as a coach. In the end, I can’t get enough of helping others see the truth that is already there: that they are magnificent, that the Universe wants them to manifest all their dreams (and is constantly conspiring to help them do so), and that life is so precious they need to get on it and LIVE it fully, right now, because they deserve to have a kick-ass time while they’re here.

When you’re at work, what are you doing when time seems to fly by, when you are feeling like you have endless energy to do that particular thing? Perhaps that thing even gives you energy. How much of your current workday is spent doing that activity? How can you increase that amount of time doing that? You must!

3. In my work, what produces the highest ratio of abundance and satisfaction to amount of time spent?
Gay Hendricks gives his example of allowing a few minutes of free-flowing thought every day. He finds that when he sets aside time for this (he takes an hour to meditate each day), he can have breakthroughs that result in marked increases of success in his work. Sometimes it takes months, but other times in a few seconds he’ll have an idea that will end up resulting in a product or book or workshop series that adds exponentially to his abundance.

This doesn’t mean YOU need to start setting aside an hour of free-flow thought a day (unless of course, that is your thang). However, it does mean it would behoove you to figure out what that special little thang is for you. And no, that’s not a typo. It’s a thang because it will bring you more satisfaction for the time and effort you expend at work than anything else ever would. For me its journaling and reading every day. Those two things gives me ideas for articles, workshops to offer, add to my skillset as a coach, come up with new programs…lots of great stuff! And I love doing it.

Maybe for you it is talking a walk in nature during lunch, calling up that colleague who really gets your creative juices flowing whenever you talk about projects, doodling…whatever it is, pinpoint what that thang is for you and spend more time doing it in your workday!

4. What is my unique ability (a.k.a. Superpower)?
I adore and appreciate how Gay’s granddaughter described one’s “unique ability” as a Superpower. So yes, let’s rephrase: What’s your Superpower? One client of mine excels at telling stories. Ever since she was a child she could captivate an audience with her stories. On a deeper level, she describes her superpower as knowing how to capture and hold attention on a deep level, and transport others with her voice. She could also tune into what story or lesson would be most beneficial to a group at a given event. Another client of mine didn’t discover her unique ability…ahem…I mean Superpower, until she was in her 40s. She discovered that she could see and be with others’ grief in a way very few people could, and this opened up a whole new career and way of being in the world for her.

Often this unique ability is developed at a young age. One of Gay’s granddaughters said her superpower is “sensing other people’s feelings” (she’s12 years old). It is not unusual that it develops as a coping mechanism to deal with some kind of stress, such as a volatile parent, an overbearing sibling, or being very shy in social situations.

For example, as a kid, I noticed that my cousins and friends and I got bored pretty easily. We were energetic, adventurous, bursting with life…and we lived in the ghetto. This meant we couldn’t run amok all over town lest something horrible happen to us. And our parents were strict enough that we couldn’t get away with even trying, lest something even more horrible happen to us at home. So, I had an idea: “The Double Dare Club.”

I think I was eight years old when I thought of starting the Double Dare Club. What was this club about? Well, it essentially consisted of me thinking up wild and crazy ways we could all expand our comfort zones in the relative safety of our own backyards. Then I’d double dare the club members to do it. “Expanding our comfort zones” is an adult way of putting it, of course. Back then I saw it as a way for us to have fun, be a little scared, and stop being bored. I was an only child and abhorred boredom. I’d cry from boredom, and avoided it at all costs.

No matter why we were in the club, however, it was paramount that what we did had to push our edge. Otherwise it would be boring.

These dares were customized by me. After all, members ranged in ages from 6 to 10 years old, and even boys joined my club. In fact, mostly boys joined my club. As an example of our dares, I had people climbing tall fences barefoot and launching off the fence into the neighbor’s backyard then stealing a basketball (which we’d quickly return once the deed was done) then coming back and shooting 3 straight free throws and making them, then jumping back over to return the ball all in 2 minutes. Did I mention the neighbor was mean? We also climbed up the REALLY tall redwood tree (yeah, we had one in the ghetto and it fell into our yard after a storm one winter and we didn’t have it anymore) and would see who could get the highest and then climb down, sometimes with one arm. Sometimes blindfolded. Sheesh. My poor mother. She didn’t know about any of that though.

In any event, I LOVED seeing my friends’ faces after they did each dare. They were absolutely thrilled and proud and giddy! If it wasn’t a hard enough dare, everything felt kind of flat. My unique superpower was hidden somewhere in there, for sure.

So..how do I describe what it is?

Articulating your unique ability is a tricky one to get at, as it is often hidden under a lot of layers. So, here are a few questions to help you peel those away:

• I’m at my best when ………
• When I’m at my best, the exact thing I’m doing is …..
• When I’m doing that, the thing I love most about it is ….

When I did this inquiry of “What is my unique ability” several times in the past, I thought my unique ability was to coach clients into a fulfilled life, or to midwife families into an empowered pregnancy and birth experience, or take them into the mountains to push beyond being scared, and instead be inspired and discover their courage. However, it was deeper than that.

When I peeled back the layers I discovered that I am at my best when I am totally present and connected with my clients. The exact thing I am doing – whether I was coaching, guiding, or midwifing – is completely tuning in to where they are at. I am listening on all levels to what they are communicating, and feeling intense compassion for them and excitement about how their life is unfolding as they learn more and more about what is possible for them, and integrate these truths themselves.

In being with my clients this way, I create a safe and courageous space for them to take risks (by the way, this is what happens whenever ANY of us are being with others in this way). Over the years that showed up in births, in the mountains, and in my client’s wild-innerness. The thing I love most about when that is happening is that I get to witness another being discover their power and live their truth, and that is a freakin’ amazing thing to behold. It gives me boundless joy because I know yet another precious life on this precious planet is going to be lived even more fully, and we ALL benefit from that. And they will never be bored. This life is too precious to EVER be bored.

I hope you take some time to discover your genius and create ways to live in it more and more each day. The world doesn’t just want you to – it needs you to.

Letting Go Relationships That No Longer Serve You – Cord Cutting Meditation

Folks from the October Ziji Up! Challenge asked me to post a cord-cutting meditation here. This can help you energetically let go of relationships that no longer serve you, such as friendships you’ve outgrown, people that you want to push away in perhaps not-so-nice ways, and relationships that still seem to suck your energy and rock you emotionally long after they’ve ended. This is modified from meditations I’ve been taught by Sally Kempton and one written by Wil Berlinghof:

Visualize yourself in a favorite place that you also associate as a very safe and healing place. It may be an actual place or an imaginary one but what is of utmost importance is that you see it as a safe place.

Once in your safe place see yourself surrounded by a ball of pure white light. This ball of spiritual energy will both protect you and energize your efforts at cutting the cords of attachments to those individuals you wish to cut from. When you are ready, call forth the individual that you wish to cut the negative cords of attachments from.

Once you visualize the individual standing in front of you, look down and see the cord that exists between you. The cord will be attached from navel to navel and is usually dark and thick, although there can be variations on the theme. It is important to realize that you are only cutting the cords of attachment that detract or cause conflict in the relationship, not the positive ties of love and respect that exist between the individuals involved.

Next, look the person in the eye and in a powerful, strong, and clear voice, speak the unspeakable to the person that you are doing the cord cutting with. This means that you say anything and everything that you need to say in order to clear the slate and release all pent-up energies and emotions that you have been holding inside but have been unable to express for one reason or another. It is important that you speak in a Voice of Power and Command, even if you could never do so with the person in real life. Remember you are in a safe place and are protected.

Once you have spoken and there is nothing more that you wish to say, you can choose to hear the response of the other person. However, this is your choice and if you choose not to hear the other person this is perfectly alright. If you do choose to be open to a response you will only receive the inner truth of that person/soul, not the responses that you might normally expect from the person. Remember, you are not dealing with the real person but their spirit representation. They will speak only the truth to you if you are willing and able to engage. Once this stage has been completed it is time to move on to the cord cutting itself.

For this, visualize a crystal knife available to you, or another object that resonates with you for cutting the cord. Take it in whichever hand feels most comfortable. Speak your intent to cut the negative cord of attachment that exists between you and the individual. Holding the cord with your free hand, bring the crystal knife blade down to the cord. Hold the knife next to the body and when ready, cut down and through the cord. If you wish you can say: “I cut this cord of attachment with you”.

Once you have cut the cord on your side, you can offer the crystal knife to the other person so that they can cut the cord on their side. The individual may or may not choose to do so. If they do, watch the cord fall to the ground where it is transformed into hundreds of beautiful butterflies which flutter away, or watch them simply dissolve into the earth.

Once the cord has been cut, thank the individual and then send them on their way. If the individual does not choose to cut their side of the cord, wrap the cord around the individual and then banish them from your space. Again, use a Voice of Power to send them on their way.

You are now free to leave the space and end the meditation, or to repeat the procedure with someone else that you wish to cut cords with. You can do this exercise of release as often as you want with any individual you wish to clean up a relationship with. It is important to remember that this procedure only releases the negative attachments that drain, cripple and harm us in some way and not the positive, loving aspects of relationship. Also if you feel the need to re-cut any cords that have become re-attached for whatever reason, you can do so at your leisure.

It can also be powerful to do this meditation with a friend across from you acting as the person you are cutting the cord with. It is intense to look a real human in the eye and say the things you’ve always wanted to say, even though it isn’t the actual person you’re cutting the cords with.

“Car”ma, Community, and Connections

I’d been driving over the Siskiyou Pass towards San Francisco in my trusty 2008 Subaru Outback when I decided to christen her with the name “Rocinante.”  I hadn’t been inspired by a name until that drive. However, on this day, as I saw the volcanic valleys stretched before me and Mount Shasta boldly standing her ground, I was reminded of Don Quixote’s  companion horse (albeit a skinny one) named Rocinante, which happens to also be the namesake of Steinbeck’s camper truck in which he journeyed the country in Travels With Charley. I thought it fitting for the amazing adventures I’ve had–and was looking forward to having–with my earth-brown auto with “MIDWYF” plates.  Her trunk was perpetually filled with camping gear and toys for journeys into the mountains or to the ocean.

I don’t know if she took offense to the name, but Rocinante broke down suddenly and fiercely only a few days later on my way back to Oregon in Willows, CA, about an hour south of Chico. It was a dark and lonely night (really–it was!), and the gas station at which she blew two head gaskets was desolated and dimly lit with buzzing fluorescent lights. Many days later, we would discover she developed the auto-equivalent of a pulmonary embolism.  Her radiator suddenly and unexpectedly formed a plug that blocked all flow to the engine. Poor Rocinante…she sat steaming and gurgling at the Willows station until all that built up pressure and heat finally dissipated. When it did, the station seemed to slowly  fill with curious and chivalrous townsmen who hmmm’d and haaaa’d at her engine. The general consensus was that she was toast.

I managed to have her towed to the nearest Subaru dealer in Chico after a night at the Willows Holiday Inn Express. While the mechanics in Willows were kind and generous, they looked at her engine like it was made of laser beams and I had to bring her to the nearest qualified shop. I missed a day in clinic as I spent that Monday being told of the thousands of dollars I would have to pay if this ended up not being covered by Subaru or my insurance.

Later that day I rented a car, as loaner cars from the dealer could only go 100 miles from the shop (and Ashland was further than that!), the regional Subaru rep wasn’t going to cover a rental until they  decided what happened and who would pay for what, and my USAA auto insurance only covered car rental for incidents related to car accidents. My insurance rep did ask if a rodent had chewed through a hose or something. In that case, he said, it would be a covered condition (in addition to accidents). Hmmm. Sorry, no rodent. Just two blown head gaskets. I couldn’t wait for anyone to decide anything as I needed to get back to work,  so my trusty rental Ford Focus and I were introduced. I was afraid to name her lest she have the same reaction as Rocinante. We headed off, anonymously, into the night.

After ten days without Rocinante, I had to drive back down to Chico to drop off my rental car, as apparently the Enterprise rental company in Chico was too small to allow out-of-state drop-offs, and I was now granted a loaner car in Oregon (rental car still not covered…long story…). Rocinante was still in quarantine until the regional Subaru rep was able to examine her, and they hadn’t even started the repair, so I needed someone to come who would drive me back as well. Up for a ride, anyone? Anyone???????

In case you’re wondering, I recently found out Subaru is covering the whole repair as Rocinante was well-fed and cared for by Subaru here in Oregon, and the development of her condition remains a mystery. The things Subaru didn’t cover were finding people to drive back and forth with me to Chico to drop off rental cars and the like, finding people to lend me a car after driving back from Chico since I was on call that night and couldn’t pick up a loaner car until the next morning–but I still needed an emergency vehicle, and taking care of my sleep-deprivation from late nights far from home or while on call here delivering babies as the saga unfolded.

This is where I was reminded once again how misfortune can often open my eyes to the blessings in my life. Friends–people I’d known for years as well as those I’d only spent a few occasions with–rose to the terribly inconvenient situation and stepped up for me. Members of my community went out of their way to lend me their car, cook me a delicious home-made dinner after I arrived late from an 8-hour journey to Chico and back, and even drive with me (half the time by themselves!) on that 8 hour journey…and we weren’t even heading to Yosemite (which usually makes an 8-hour drive worth it). They woke up early to drop me off at the shop,  listened to me, supported me, rallied for me, laughed with me at the ridiculousness of all of it, and strategized the future of Rocinante. My partner, over 700 miles away, regularly kept track of my fiascoes and assured me all would be well. They helped me feel cared for.

To feel like a part of a community is a blessing, and one that has been relatively challenging to cultivate in my life as a part-time vagabond. I seem to be in and out of town with relative frequency (Ashland is the place I’ve lived the longest in my adult life!), and I often wonder what I can give back to people in my community during the often brief times we are able to share.

I’ve had far more serious challenges for which my friends have come forth: two diagnoses of cancer, a renal auto-transplant, my father’s passing to name a few, and I am reminded of the importance of offering true connection to the people in my life, because that is what was invaluable for me during those times. Not just pleasantries, but authentic connection. I think that as I write this, what I mean by connection is that the people we are interacting with feel seen and heard. And that means that we try to have to the wisdom to know what they need to feel that way–not just what we would need to feel that way in a similar moment.

My community grows deeper from shared connections. I have been gone a lot lately, and now that I’ll be around for the next couple of weeks, I am looking forward to helping those around me know what they mean to me…to feel cared for, seen and heard. We all deserve that, because each moment of this life is precious, and each one of us deserves to be uplifted and held by those close to us.

We humans love and live for connection–it’s not the  multiple superficial ones, but quality and authentic connections that truly sustain us. It would be unnecessary for someone we care about to feel taken for granted, so I encourage us all to set the intention to remember a little more often that the little connections matter, and to go out of our way to do something special for those in our lives. You can write a card and drop it off on the porch, make that phone call that seems there is no time for, buy them a copy of that book by the author they always talk about, have tea, send a funny photo, or simply–and perhaps most importantly–tell them authentically and with presence that they are important to you and why, and listen to them when they speak. Like the Tong-len meditations in Tibetan Buddhism, once we do that with the people close to us for which it might flow a little easier, we can then move on to help those with which we have seemingly brief and passing interactions to feel seen. We are all using our life force, in whatever we do and with whomever we are doing it with, and it is equally valuable to all of us. Let’s make it worthwhile!

Peak Experiences and Feeling Connected to Your Purpose

Greasy-haried but happy on the pass above the Hongku Valley on a climb of Mera Peak, Nepal

I like thinking about the happy places…the special moments in the mountains when the light is just right, mountains towering above (or below!), perfect silence pervading, and feeling strong and centered and surrounded by beauty, like everything was perfect and I knew it; The crazy moments being taken up in the ocean’s swell on a surfboard only to have a school of dolphins swim by and around and under as the sun rose and hit the waves just right so the dolphins surfing in the waves were backlit by a universal glow, feeling so small and slightly frightened about the vastness that lay below me in the ocean’s depths, yet somehow knowing it was all good; Lying by my dad’s side during his last days on this earth, my arms around him as he called me an angel and me being able to tell him how much I love him and to hear him tell me the same as he hovered in that sacred space between here and beyond the notions of “here and there,” somehow knowing that all was right. It seems the common theme in these experiences wasn’t a pretty sunset or big adventure, but rather an innate knowing that all was perfect.

Peak experiences–those experiences in life when we feel fully connected to something greater than ourselves, when we feel that special knowing–help us learn a lot about who we are, our values, how we honor those values. When was your most recent peak experience? What were you doing? Where were you? Who were you with? What does that experience tell you about what fulfills you? Now, take that wisdom and see how you can manifest it more often in your daily life. Is there something that reminds you of that experience? Use it to help remember what is important to you….perhaps a rock from that mountain top, a photo in a cool frame, a seashell from the beach, a poem from your loved one. Take a small part of each day to connect with that “happy place.” Maybe go for a walk after dinner under the full moon, meditate in the morning on your blessings for 3-5 minutes, look your children in the eyes and let them see into your soul, roll in the grass (or snow!) with your dog, make a plan to have a small adventures each week (go to a new restaurant, hike a new trail, go to a new class at the gym). Whatever you do, try to find a way to stay connected to that peak experience. Create the space in your life for it to enter more often, in unexpected ways.