Today I want to dive into something called “self-like parts,” which are parts of us that have qualities similar to our true Self. This concept is part of the IFS (Internal Family Systems) theory, developed by Richard “Dick” Schwartz. It suggests that the mind is made up of multiple sub-personalities, or parts, each with their own unique perspective, emotions, and memories. A little family all inside each of us.
One of the key parts of IFS is the concept of Self, which is considered the core of a person’s identity. It has always existed and – no matter the trauma – cannot be eliminated from our core. Its energy has qualities like compassion, curiosity, calmness, and confidence.
On the other hand, when we look at Self-Like parts, we’re looking at parts that mimic these qualities of self, but they’re not actually the Self. They’re like impersonators. And they may try to manage the system of parts inside us, but they lack the true qualities of the Self.
Another piece of the IFS theory is the three main types of parts we have: exiles, managers, and firefighters. So we can look at each of these and see how Self and self-like parts might affect them (and therefore, us).
For example, Managers are the proactive parts that try to keep our entire system safe and in control. And they often act in ways that they believe will prevent the activation of really difficult emotional experiences (what IFS calls Exiles). Managers can sometimes present self-like parts because they take on leadership roles and try to maintain order and functionality. But what ends up happening is a tendency to try to control everyTHING and everyONE.
So how do we tell the difference between Self and self-like parts?
The qualities of the true Self are referred to as the “8 Cs:” calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness. When the Self is leading, there is a sense of harmony, balance, and authentic caring.
The true Self also leads without an agenda, so it’s inherently compassionate and curious, instead of being driven by fear or a need to control. And it lets go of attachment to the outcome.
On the other hand, self-like parts can be reactive, trying to manage or fix things quickly. That can lead to anxiety and grasping. Like when we insist on communicating about something RIGHT NOW, which just makes us anxiously grasp for a resolution to the anxiety we’re already feeling.
Self-like parts are conditioned responses; they carry the burdens of our past and are often stuck in specific roles they took on to protect us or help us navigate difficult circumstances.
We can identify our self-like parts by noticing a part of us that seems to be taking control, especially in situations where we feel triggered or reactive. They can be critical, anxious, protective, or even overly confident. The key to observing these parts is to do so with a sense of curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment.
Because our true Self is an undamaged, healing core, IFS also believes that the Self is our primary healing agent. It is what holds us together. Many describe discovering the Self as “returning home.” And even if it sometimes feels hidden, it can always be accessed.
Our parts can learn to recognize and align with the true Self. In fact, all parts long for the Self and are stoked to finally unburden themselves from all that responsibility once they experience the genuine compassion and leadership of the Self – and trust in it.
It’s like the ultimate medicine, which helps us get to the root of our suffering (which, by the way, comes from not living from our true Self ;).
When we cultivate mindful awareness and build a compassionate relationship with our parts, while also consistently connecting with our true Self, we can transform our inner world AND better distinguish between our Self and self-like parts.
Finally, I want to mention that it’s okay to have self-like parts – they can be helpful. Fake it till you make it, right?
But the important part is to recognize when we’re in a self-like part vs the true Self. Afterall, just noticing is a huge step, and awareness precedes change.
You will learn:
// What the Self is and how it relates to the theory of Internal Family Systems… and our core essence
// How self-like parts affect our Manager and Firefighter parts, and why they never actually help us as a result
// The difference between self-like parts and our true Self and how to identify our self-like parts
// Why true healing and development can only come from our true Self
// How to build a mindful, compassionate relationship with our true Self AND our self-like parts.
Resources:
// Episode 166: No Bad Parts
// Episode 167: Near Enemies of Good Qualities
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