I recently returned from a 2-week training on the East Side of the Sierra Nevada – my forever home. Part of it was a 4-day, 4-night wilderness solo fast, and WOW… it was a potent experience. I’d done plenty of wilderness fasts before – my first being when I was 18 years old. But there’s something about returning to the practice at this stage of life.
As I was telling clients and friends I’d be unplugged for a while, many people asked me, “So… what do you get out of doing these solo fasts?”
The answer has depended on my stage of life. In my younger years, it was to prove to myself that I could do hard things. Other times they’ve marked a rite of passage and a transition in my life. The death of a relationship, a birth or shift…
They can also be a time of deep downloads or a longing to call in a new way and let go of the old.
For me, they’re a clarifying experience. One in which a lot of bullshit falls away, and one in which I remember what really matters.
As we navigate our responsibilities, dreams, and fears, we may inadvertently leave behind moments that could lead us toward a life with no regrets.
As you know from recent episodes, one of the foundational teachings of Buddhism is the concept of impermanence, or anicca. Everything in our lives is transient: our experiences, emotions, and even our very selves are in a constant state of flux. This realization can initially feel really unsettling, even terrifying right?
It challenges our desire for stability and certainty.
However, when we acknowledge that nothing lasts forever, we open ourselves to a deeper understanding of life. We learn to appreciate the beauty in fleeting moments, recognizing that they are precious precisely because they are temporary.
This discussion about a life of no regrets would be incomplete without mentioning the five top regrets of the dying that Bronnie Ware – a hospice nurse – studied and wrote about.
The first is “I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself.” Many people regret not pursuing their true passions because of the fear of failure and what they would make that mean about them.
Self-awareness and self-acceptance is so important. We need to remember that we are worthy of love, of life, of joy. That all of us is welcome. We can ask ourselves: Are we honoring our authentic selves? Are we taking the steps necessary to align our lives with our deepest values?
Another regret is “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” Many of us spend too much time at work and not enough with loved ones. And many of us do so in jobs that are not fulfilling and do not feed our soul.
By making conscious choices that reflect our values, we can create a life rich in connection and joy. So be sure to set boundaries around work hours and dedicating time to family and friends.
The third regret, “I wish I had the courage to express my feelings,” came up for me on my solo fast. I had a lot of things I hadn’t said yet – or more accurately, that I hadn’t said without being in a rage or angry. I’m pretty good at saying something when I’m angry – it’s what’s under the anger that I have a harder time accessing. The grief. The fear.
Many of us regret suppressing our emotions and not being honest and open with others, whether about love or frustrations or ways we’ve hurt them. By practicing honesty and expressing our feelings – however scary it might seem – we honor our truth and offer the possibility for relationships to deepen and for us to live more authentically.
A fourth was, “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” It can be so easy to let friendships fade into the background. Goddess knows this is true to me. I had a client once ask if I could have a coffee sometime. I shared how it was hard enough for me to even get a walk in with a bestie who lives only a block away!
But nurturing our friendships and community can lead to a support network that really enriches our lives, and helps us get through really challenging times.
So we can cultivate friendships by initiating regular catch-ups, or checking in with the simple act of reaching out. I might send a text like, “Hey, thinking of you today and hope you’re doing well. Let me know if you need anything.” or, “I miss you!”
I find the fifth regret particularly interesting: “I wish I had let myself be happier.” There’s an awareness there that it is ourselves that often holds us back from happiness – not something external like a job or other people. Often, we have happiness accessible right here, but don’t allow it in.
We hold on to a grudge. We hold on to resentment.
It makes sense that a huge part of all the above – living authentically, expressing emotions, cultivating friendship – is forgiveness. This was also a HUGE part of my fast. I did a ceremony for self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others, too.
I had many regrets I processed – and also realized that many times, I did what I thought had to be done at the time, and I was able to see that with deep self-compassion.
I also had a heart opening that allowed me to forgive many others as well. What was accessible when I forgave was good memories, compassion, freedom, and joy, expansiveness. Choice.
Of course, this all takes courage – ziji – that inner radiant confidence that helps us be true to ourselves. Ziji helps us live a life of no regrets. In a world filled with external pressures and societal expectations, it can be so freaking hard to embrace and express our authenticity. The clarity and courage that comes with Ziji empowers us to not wait any longer.
Buddhist teachings encourage us to shed the layers of conditioning that bind us and connect with our true selves, and this is even more apparent when we reflect on our own impermanence.
This journey we explore here involves vulnerability and ziji.
If Buddhism has taught me one thing, it’s that it’s in the midst of this uncertainty about our life and death (and other aspects of impermanence) that we find our greatest opportunities for growth and connection.
This not knowing is our deepest practice.
The reflection on the preciousness of this life helps bring to mind our unfinished business – an opportunity to make good with our community, our lives, and with ourselves.
We can remember to prioritize what really matters so we can revel in the love we give and receive, the moments we cherish, and the authenticity with which we navigate the complexities of this messy human experience.
You will learn:
// How my wilderness solo fast helped me come to terms with my regrets BEFORE it was too late
// How to prevent the 5 top regrets of the dying, and how we can face each of them so we can live a life more honestly and freely.
// Why it can be so hard to let go of our regrets and fears, and some practices we can begin now to help overcome the hesitation
// The importance of forgiveness, ziji, and self-compassion as we navigate and overcome our regrets
// Why we want to think about living with no regrets now – and now then the end seems more near
Resources:
// Episode 34: How to Forgive
// Episode 53: How to Forgive Yourself
// Episode 116: The Importance of Rites of Passage
// Episode 184: The Power of Intention, Ritual, and Ceremony
// Episode 222: Struggling with When Things End
// Check out my FREE Clarity + Courage Training
// Come join me and a group of like-minded souls in living the next 9 months as if they are our last. Remembering our limited time here on Earth creates clarity and inspires action like nothing else. Dive more deeply into practices that help create a life of inner and outer freedom – come join me in my NEWEST program, called No Regrets. It’s an exploration into our own life legacy, the gift of impermanence, intimacy with death + life, and living a life of no regrets. Be sure to snag our discounts and bonuses before doors close for those on SUNDAY.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
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