You know, I get that it can be confusing when I have one episode on why we tolerate bullshit – which is actually what my very first episode was about – and then talk about how resisting reality is what creates suffering.
It’s like, “So which is it, Ana? Do we accept and be content or do we aim for what we want in life?”
And the reason I’m doing this episode is because the answer is it’s NEITHER in the way most people think of it.
It’s NOT tolerating a toxic work environment or a shitting relationship or a life where you feel meh because you don’t feel you’re living your purpose.
It’s also not ruminating on how you’re not living your purpose and beating yourself up about it, or having a mentality that you will be happy “one day” when things are better.
As usual, when it comes to the Buddhadharma, it’s the middle way.
What does that look like?
It’s about not making decisions – to settle OR to strive – from a place fo fear.
It’s about not having attachments TO your goals – meaning it’s NOT living like you’re only allowed to be happy once you’ve reached your big goals.
Now this debate between settling vs accepting can feel pretty alive right now at this time of year with resolutions and reflecting on what we want the next year to be like.
Let’s start with settling.
Now most of you know not to settle for a shitty relationship or a mediocre job.
So today I want to emphasize the kind of sneaky settling that creeps into our life quietly, like a Jedi in the night, and leaves us feeling like we’re running on autopilot instead of fully present and engaged with our precious life.
Especially when remembering – like we are in the No Regrets course – that we are all going to die and we don’t know when.
Here’s the deal: settling isn’t just about staying in a job you hate or being in a relationship that’s not working. It’s about the sneaky inaction that keeps us stuck in the land of “good enough.”
Now, there are many times when “good enough” is awesome. The good enough job that helps us live our purpose most of the time. The good enough meal that allows us to take in the epic view in front of us while filling our tummies. The good enough relationship with our parents that helps us tolerate short visits and feel like we’re showing up the way we want to in that relationship.
But sometimes good enough is actually not good enough at all.
Unhealthy “good enough” settling are days when we’re on the couch, scrolling through social media and thinking, “Eh, this is fine! I should be grateful! Others have it so much worse.”
It’s the quiet voice that says, “Hey, don’t rock the boat. Just stay in your comfort zone, even though it feels a little… well, meh.”
This kind of sneaky “good enough” settling isn’t an action, it’s an avoidance of change out of fear.
Fear of failure, of not being enough, of not finding something better. And when we stop letting that fear call the shots and start embracing discomfort as a growth opportunity, that’s where the magic happens.
In Buddhism, we talk about the Middle Way, which is about balance, but it’s also about being mindful of our habitual tendencies, and these habits are one of the ways settling can sneak in.
That deceptive poser of the middle way where we take no action because we think it’s easier, but we aren’t admitting that fear of the other options is why we’re doing it.
In the context of our lives, settling is clinging to what’s familiar, what we know – the job we don’t love, the relationship that isn’t lighting our soul on fire, the life that lacks meaning and adventure.
That’s the middle way gone sideways.
Instead of using mindfulness to move forward, we let inertia and inaction take over.
A little of all that is fine…but many of us settle into these habitual patterns that keep us from living our best life.
And it might seem like settling is very Buddha-like. Not striving or clinging. But when it happens from that place of fear, it’s not a healthy spiritual practice. That attempt to keep ourselves safe is a type of attachment, too.
That fear keeps us from discovering the shitton of opportunities to grow, love, and experience something better.
The key is opening ourselves up to possibility. When we realize and believe in our bones that there’s a whole world of possibilities out there, that’s when we stop settling.
Now I want to spend a moment on the difference between accepting what is and settling for what is.
Accepting is about embracing the present moment without attachment or judgment. It’s peaceful, mindful, authentic, and it leads to freedom.
Settling comes from fear and scarcity.
Settling is a passive, resigned form of not making any changes because you believe you cannot have more or better.
They are very different!
So first step to change is realizing that just because we’ve been stuck in settling doesn’t mean we have to stay stuck.
I cover a lot of great ways to start shifting from settling to accepting in this episode, but I want to mention a big one:
A great motivator to switch from settling to accepting is to remember that life is finite.
We are all going to die, and we don’t know when.
That isn’t exactly the most cheery realization for some, but it’s also very f*cking real and important to remember because otherwise, we waste time we aren’t guaranteed to have.
We can spend the rest of our lives in the comfort of good enough, or we can wake up and start making the changes we know in our hearts we need to make because we realize we aren’t guaranteed to have 20 more years to do what we really want.
Every moment is precious, and the longer we stay in “good enough” mode, the more we let life slip by.
So as we roll into the new year, this is a perfect time to check in with ourselves: Are we settling? Or are we accepting and allowing ourselves to grow into something more authentic, and stepping into our true purpose?
Remember, you deserve to live the life you were meant to live. The life that celebrates the authentic expression of your gifts that no one else ever has – or ever will – bring to this world.
This longing isn’t “un-Buddhist”…although it might be a bit Rebel Buddhist;)
It’s a very natural, creative longing that honors the preciousness of this life.
You will learn:
// How to know whether we are bullshitting ourselves into thinking things are “good enough”
// How settling relates to fear and scarcity
// The key to leaving fear + scarcity behind
// The difference between accepting what is vs settling for something that isn’t our truth
// How accepting doesn’t mean tolerating
// Steps you can take in the new year to shift from settling to accepting, and moving towards your authentic self
Resources:
// Episode 1: Why We Tolerate and How to Stop
// Episode 32: As promised, here’s an episode on How to Review Your Year
// Episode 93: Wake the F*ck Up
// Episode 223: Creating Space for Something New
// Check out my free Clarity + Courage Course to get more clear about what you want
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. We dive into taking wisdom and applying it to our daily lives, with different topics every month. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
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