Ep. 246: Choosing to STAY During Challenging Times

This past week, I was on a retreat with a beautifully diverse group of people, all prioritizing the dharma and spiritual practice. We spent the mornings in silence, but during the day we often talked about challenging stuff – including how to build and BE in community with people, especially when they may not be in agreement with our own views, values, and needs.

 

You might think we spent more days quietly meditating and bowing to each other when passing in the halls. 

 

Nope.

 

Even though we were all there with good intentions, there were still many days when shit hit the fan as old wounds, ancestral traumas, and historical tragedies were stirred up. And every day, there were some pretty uncomfortable moments. Visceral activations and people wondering if they should leave the program and walk out.

 

But this, my friends, is life in community when we are still building trust with people we’re not sure are safe.

 

So often we think that when we find the “right” community, the “right” path, the “right” people, things will naturally flow in harmony. But I’m beginning to learn that conflict is part of being in a REAL community. It’s not just having a protective bubble of people who think just like us around, but genuine curiosity and interaction with people who are in our community, and may be quite different.

 

Here’s the thing: life is messy, unpredictable, and full of imperfections. It’s full of people who, despite their best intentions, are bound to have conflicting needs at one time or another.

 

THIS is the human experience beyond simply caring for our immediate friends and family.

 

Ultimately, I’ve decided that being in community, especially a community centered around spiritual practice, isn’t about finding an escape from life’s discomforts.

 

Being in sangha, in community, in this deep way, is about learning how to navigate and engage with those discomforts and how to STAY present through them.

 

And the truth is, that discomfort is the gateway to authentic transformation within us and our communities.

 

We often run from discomfort because we’re not taught how to lean into it or sit with it without trying to fix it or make it go away. We’ve been conditioned to believe that if something doesn’t feel good, it’s a sign we should leave.

 

Truth is, sometimes we should.

 

But often we confuse discomfort for danger, and then we miss potential opportunities for transformation.

 

So what if the discomfort is actually an invitation to stay and deepen our practice?

 

The dharma teaches us not to run away from these moments, but to be with them. To see what is possible when we stay and meet the present moment fully, even in its difficulty. Even when it’s hard AF.

 

Life is full of challenges—huge, seemingly monumental at times, and small. And while we might wish that we had a life of ease and comfort, our ziji, what we’re made of is forged in the fire of our challenges, our struggles, and even our defeats, right? It’s in that fire that we learn and grow.

 

Now, staying doesn’t mean being passive or just tolerating BS. What it actually means is engaging

 

It means showing up and moving toward the discomfort instead of retreating from it because when we stay with it, transformation can happen.

 

Staying is a conscious, intentional choice to engage with discomfort in a way that promotes growth, learning, and deeper connection. 

 

Staying also requires awareness, compassion, trust, and resilience. 

 

A “safe enough” space, as dharma teacher and social justice advocate Larry Yang recently spoke about. 

 

It’s driven by a motivation to transform.

 

Tolerating bullshit, on the other hand, is often a passive, reactive response. It means putting up with something that feels off or unjust, usually out of fear, convenience, or a desire to avoid conflict. There is no sense of purpose and it doesn’t challenge or address the deeper issues going on.

 

While staying respects boundaries and honors our inner wisdom, tolerating denies them. 

 

When we stay, we’re protecting our well-being and staying self-aware. But tolerating means putting up with being treated poorly and ignoring our genuine feelings or needs.

 

So it’s important to know the difference.

 

When we truly stay with others, when we engage with their discomforts as well as our own, we are meeting them as equals. We’re seeing them – and ourselves – in our full humanity, with all our flaws AND our brilliance. 

 

We are choosing to say, not because we’re perfect, but because we’re REAL. HUMAN. And imperfect. ALL of us.

 

And isn’t that the kind of relationship we all long for? One that doesn’t shy away from imperfections but moves toward them, toward understanding, toward compassion, learning and growth?

 

And by the way, this isn’t just about staying in personal relationships. It’s about how we show up for the larger world, the greater Earth community, for the collective healing that’s needed now more than ever.

 

What I’ve learned through my own personal experiences of this is that in order for staying through the discomfort to work, especially in very challenging moments, it helps to have several key elements.

 

The “safe enough” environment I mentioned.

 

Trust – and moving at the pace of trust, not rushing before true trust is formed.

 

Common goals and values, mutual respect, vulnerability, clear communication, patience and compassion, boundaries, and a sense of belonging and interconnectedness…

 

All these are really important. Each one allows us to stay open, respect our differences, invites a deeper connection, and helps us stay present.

 

In the end, staying is a radical act of courage and compassion. It’s through staying – despite discomfort – that we create space for growth, healing, and meaningful change.

 

In spiritual communities, we’re often told to bring our whole selves to the table. But when we bring our whole selves, guess what?

 

We also bring our shit. 

 

Our wounds, our history, the wounds and traumas of our ancestors, our past experiences, our fears, and our needs. 

 

These things often don’t align neatly with everyone else’s. Not a surprise, right?

 

But this is the reality of human connection. And it’s exactly in these differences that we have the opportunity to learn, to grow, and to practice compassion.

 

So rebels, when the discomfort arises, as it inevitably will, remember: this is not a sign to run. 

 

This is your invitation to stay. 

 

To lean into the discomfort, to see what’s possible when we refuse to escape, when we refuse to hide, and see what growth and understanding can emerge. 

Commit to the work of staying—whether in your relationships, your community, or within yourself.  When we stay, we are choosing to show up for the life that is here, right here right now in all its messiness, its beauty, and its complexity. 

The world needs you to be present, to lean into the mess, and to help create the space for something beautiful to unfold. 

And in doing this, we are creating the space for healing, transformation, and connection that the world so desperately needs, now more than ever.

So, please, take a deep breath and stay if it’s safe enough, and ask for what you need if it isn’t.

The transformation starts with YOU.



You will learn:

 

// Why discomfort is inescapable in any community… and how it’s a GOOD thing

// Why it’s important to stay present through the discomfort if we want fundamental change

// The difference between staying through discomfort and tolerating bullshit

// When to LEAVE

// The key elements we need to cultivate so we can stay through the challenging moments



Resources:

// Episode 1: Why we tolerate and how to stop

 

// Episode 29: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

 

// Episode 37: How to Disagree Like a Buddha

 

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