With my history, I sometimes find myself responding to uncomfortable situations based on similar past experiences instead of what’s actually happening in the moment. Like if someone gets a “tone” with me or if my husband seems to withdraw, I notice there’s a part of me that gets activated and has a habitual response of, “I’m out!”
This part of me perceives discomfort in certain situations as dangerous, even when they aren’t. Or at least not to the degree I think they are. My body is like “oh shit, something bad is about to happen!” And I just want to run.
I’ve had to train myself to STAY with discomfort that activates these old stories.
I know I’m not alone in this. Many of us have been conditioned to avoid discomfort like it’s public enemy #1, when it’s actually often a sign of growth, change, or the stretch we need to reach towards the next stage of our path.
This is particularly relevant now – many of us are dealing with a deep sense of uncertainty due to the challenges at home and in relationships, geopolitical circumstances, and the collective weight of so much suffering. It can make it all feel like safety is something that’s out of reach.
But here’s the thing: if we wait for everything to feel 100% safe (and, let’s face it, a lot of us equate safety with comfort, too), we might miss out on the very actions that are needed to create change. If we’re going to show up for the healing and transformation that this world and our communities and families need, we’re going to have to step into spaces that are safe *enough.”
These are spaces where we can confront the discomfort and challenge without the expectation that everything will either feel calm /controlled/comfortable, or the expectation that things will fall apart the moment there’s conflict and discomfort.
The discomfort we feel in these moments doesn’t usually mean danger, even if we might translate the bodily sensations that arise as such. It can instead mean we’re being called to act and stand in the fire of what’s happening right now. Not just for the larger social and global movements, but for our interpersonal relationships and everyday challenges we all face.
I don’t know about you, but I experience discomfort every damn day. These moments of tension can feel like panic to me. The minute I feel a thread of disconnection in relationships, my body SCREAMS at me: danger. ABANDONMENT ahead!
But these moments of relational discomfort aren’t necessarily signals of true danger. Instead, we’re stretching our comfort zone, and it feels uncomfortable AF but it’s not necessarily dangerous.
In creating space that are safe ENOUGH, we need to remember that we can’t ever guarantee 100% complete safety and comfort for everyone involved – but we CAN explore what we need for a space to feel safe enough.
One way we can do this is, with the help of our mindfulness and awareness practices, invite everyone to explore when activated, to ask ourselves, “Is my current reaction coming from past experiences or from what’s actually happening in the present moment?” This might help us discern if we are actually in any immediate danger.
Another thing that makes a space “safe enough” is presence – being there for ourselves and others in a deep way, without judgment. This safety is about feeling supported, like we can bear the load of discomfort without it crushing us.
We also need Ziji – resilience – our ability to bounce back from adversity, and the inner radiant confidence that helps us not run. This helps us build that capacity to sit with discomfort.
Building trust is also critical – both within ourselves and within our community. And doing so takes time, so the trick is to move at a pace that honors that trust is being nurtured, not rushed 😉
Of course, another important piece to the puzzle is knowing the difference between discomfort and true danger, right? I go deeper into this in the full episode, so I encourage you to give it a listen, but I do want to say that our body can be an incredible guide here.
Are we feeling excited but overwhelmed or are we feeling panic and dread? Is our heart rate only slightly elevated or do you feel an overwhelming rush of adrenaline? Can we breathe through it, or are we struggling to breathe at all? Checking in like this can help us figure out if our body is signaling us that we need to protect ourselves from real harm, not just step into the uncomfortable.
Finally, we can also foster an atmosphere of respect and vulnerability. This involves clear communication, setting intentions for the space, and establishing boundaries (and enforcing them!) around how conflict will be navigated. People need to feel that their voices are heard and valued, even when they disagree, and that things won’t fall apart when challenges arise.
The discomfort will come. It always does because it’s part of the human experience. But it’s in that discomfort that we can also find the strength to rise.
Today, try experimenting with feeling “safe enough.” Try STAYING. And see what changes may come out of it – for you, your community, and the more-than-human world around you.
You will learn:
// Why there’s no such things as 100% safe
// The trap of equating comfort with safety
// The difference between discomfort and true danger
// How to use “safe enough” to step into discomfort for the good of our close relationships as well as the world around us
// 6 ways we can make our spaces “safe enough”
// 5 questions we can ask ourselves to gauge the safety of a situation and differentiate discomfort from true danger
//How the ultimate safety is within us
Resources:
// Episode 211: Navigating Our Edges
// Episode 246: Choosing to STAY During Challenging Times
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
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