I thought I had forgiven my mom for the way she abused me decades ago. I thought I’d never have to go through that long and arduous journey of that forgiveness ever again.
I was wrong.
When my daughter was born, I revisited a lot of the old pain, abuse and suffering of my childhood. Feeling my love towards my baby and being so confused as to how my mom could have hurt me that way when I was so young opened old wounds. I hardened towards her again.
I really beat myself up about it. Especially because she died before I was able to move through all the layers of forgiveness. I eventually did, but I felt so guilty that I wasn’t able to do it sooner, and that I had to even do it at all.
I later learned this was totally normal.
We tend to think of forgiveness as a singular act. Something we do once, maybe twice, and then all resentment, grief, and anger are supposed to dissolve.
But if you’ve ever tried to forgive, truly forgive, you know it doesn’t work like that.
Forgiveness is a practice that often requires returning to the same place over and over again, softening little by little.
I remember a story about a Cambodian woman who survived the Khmer Rouge genocide. She had lost nearly everything – her family, home, sense of safety. The weight of grief and rage could have hardened her heart, but instead she found herself sitting in a freaking meditation hall, wanting to learn to forgive as a way to free herself from being forever bound to the atrocities she endured.
Each time the anger rose in her, she would try to meet it with kindness. Each time bitterness threatened to consume her, she breathed into it. And whenever she found herself unable to let go, she reminded herself: begin again. She persisted and experienced freedom from that burden.
Stories like this are a potent reminder of the profound resilience of the human heart and spirit, showing that even after unimaginable atrocities, forgiveness and transformation are possible.
This gives me a lot of hope that I can access forgiveness (if I want to – because this is optional, y’all!), no matter what has happened. Perhaps it does for you too.
One thing about her process that resonates with me is the way it demonstrates that forgiveness isn’t an overnight transformation – it’s a daily CHOICE. An active practice of releasing – sometimes inch by inch, sometimes not at all. And that’s okay. Forgiveness is a long-term process.
So how do we treat ourselves when we find that we’ve back-tracked in our capacity to forgive? Do we judge ourselves for failing to forgive? Or can we gently remind ourselves that this is the way forgiveness works, and that we can begin again?
We need to be patient with our own process.
Now, I think it can be easy to have the misconception that when it comes to others, forgiveness is something that lets them off the hook or releases them from blame. But forgiveness is something we actually do for ourselves. Like the Buddha said, “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
I think a lot of us get this conceptually. We nod along, thinking, Yes, yes, of course. And yet, we still hold on to resentment, to bitterness, to anger!
Guess what? That’s totally natural, and it just means we have to keep practicing.
I want us to give ourselves permission to let go of the illusion that we should have it all figured out sooner than later. I want to invite us to approach ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a dear friend.
When we stumble, when old wounds reopen, when we react in ways we wish we hadn’t—our job is not to beat ourselves up. Our job is to take a breath and begin again.
So if forgiveness is a process, then we need tools to return to it again and again. You can check out at least 5 practices I give you in the full episode.
Instead of seeing setbacks in our capacity to forgive as proof that we’ve failed or can’t ever achieve, we can recognize them as part of the ongoing PRACTICE of forgiveness.
Instead of believing we’re not ‘good’ at forgivING, we can understand that the very act of trying is the practice itself. It’s aspirational, and that’s beautiful.
So the next time you feel the weight of unforgiveness, pause. Notice it. Offer yourself kindness. And then, begin again.
You will learn:
// Why forgiveness is a practice that often requires us to being again (and again…)
// Examples of forgiveness after unthinkable suffering that give us hope that forgiveness is possible for us as well – no matter what has transpired.
// How forgiveness is a CHOICE we make every day – not a one-time gig.
// 5 things we can do today to help us approach forgiveness as a practice
Resources:
// Episode 34: How to Forgive
// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Episode 53: How to Forgive Yourself
// Cancilde’s story – her husband and 5 of her children were killed in the Rwandan genocides and she later forgave the perpetrator: https://www.plough.com/en/topics/life/forgiveness/how-far-does-forgiveness-reach
// Emmanuel’s story (the young man who killed Cancilde’s husband and 5 of her children and was later forgiven by her): https://youtu.be/U8xDZnfOG34
// A video from Tony Robbins of another story of forgiveness from the Rwandan massacres – Immaculée’s story and that of the healing of Rwanda as a country (58min) https://youtu.be/yBOu2rE8Ljg
// Check out my video on the Tong Len Meditation
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
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