This week, I want to talk about something we all do, whether we’re aware of it or not – judging. Usually, we justify this by thinking it keeps us safe. But wouldn’t a skill like discernment be more useful? How do we access discernment when we’re activated, and how can we trust our own discernment after a history or trauma or being gaslit?
That’s what we’re exploring in this episode. There’s a big difference between judgment and discernment, and understanding that difference can completely change how we respond to life – and others.
So what are we talking about when we say “judgment” and “discernment?” In a nutshell, judgment is a snap decision that comes from fear, insecurity, or past experiences. It’s usually based on history, not the present. It’s often sourced from assumptions or projections, and it’s reactive and feels automatic. Usually, it also has a negative charge.
On the other hand, discernment is the ability to clearly understand what’s going on in the present moment without the emotional baggage as a heavy influence on how we perceive things. It’s more about seeing things as they truly are and responding wisely, not out of fear or past trauma.
Another way to look at this is to say that judgment is always on the lookout for what’s wrong with you or others. It’s quick to label and separate things into “good” or “bad.” Discernment, on the other hand, is calm and thoughtful. It can help us make a clear decision based on the moment, not the past.
Now, here’s the thing: If you’ve been through trauma, that knee-jerk judgment can be way more intense. Trauma doesn’t just stay locked away in our memories. It literally changes how our brain works, and instead of responding thoughtfully to situations, we’re often just reacting based on old fears and triggers. Makes sense! It kept us safe(r) before!
Research shows that people who have experienced trauma can also have more difficulty with discernment. This is multifactorial – from the way the brain is wired to the historical implications of years of being gaslit or questioning our own judgment and even our perception of reality.
But here’s the good news: just because trauma skews our discernment doesn’t mean we’re stuck there forever. The more we practice things like curiosity, mindfulness, and self-compassion, the more we can retrain our brain to respond from a place of wisdom instead of fear.
So what was that about curiosity?
The next time your partner activates you and you notice you’re jumping to conclusions, try shifting from judgment to curiosity. Instead of thinking something like, “That person is so selfish,” ask yourself, “I wonder what’s going on for them right now?” or “What might they be feeling or experiencing that’s making them act this way?”or “What might I be missing?”
Instead of jumping straight into judgment, we can replace it with curiosity, and that can make a big difference in how we experience life. This practice or moving from judgment to curiosity is rooted in positive psychology research, and it works!
When we practice curiosity, we open space for understanding and connection and create room for discernment. It’s not about excusing harmful behavior, but about trying to see things more clearly – with compassion and willingness to learn.
This shift can radically change how you relate to others and how you see yourself.
Mindfulness is simply being present with what’s happening in the moment without rushing to judgment. It’s about seeing the world and ourselves clearly, with awareness, without adding on extra layers of emotion or commentary.
When we’re mindful, we can start to notice when judgment is creeping in. And instead of acting on those thoughts, we can pause and ask ourselves what’s really happening.
Not rushing to a conclusion, staying present and open to the facts of what’s happening, is a big part of accessing discernment!
Now, mindfulness doesn’t mean becoming passive or losing our critical thinking. It means seeing clearly. It means noticing the judgment and not getting stuck in it and choosing to act from a deeper place of wisdom, compassion, and clarity.
Every time we pause, reflect, and ask questions instead of making snap judgments, we strengthen our ability to discern what’s truly happening. So this practice of curiosity is an ally in rebuilding our sense of self-trust and restoring our capacity for discernment.
Ram Dass talks about how we’re all walking each other home, right? This is a beautiful way of framing discernment too – instead of seeing others as “good” or “bad,” we can see them as fellow travelers, each on their own path.
Giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
Discernment allows us to navigate this world with an open heart, setting boundaries when needed, but without closing ourselves off from others.
And the more we practice this, the more we find that we’re able to respond to life with greater inner calm and understanding.
Trauma may have shaped how we see the world, but it doesn’t define us.
The journey from judgment to discernment is one of healing, and it’s one we can make, little by little, day by day, ok?
So we need to keep showing up for ourselves, and with time, our minds will naturally settle into discernment. And remember, this is a journey. Start small, be kind to yourself, and know that every time you practice this, you’re moving closer to the freedom that comes from seeing things as they are.
You will learn:
// How to deal with a history of gaslighting and its impact on self-trust
// Why trauma makes the judging mind more intense
// The secret to changing how we experience judgment (hint: Curiosity is huge!)
// What can lead to deeper understanding of ourselves and others when activated
// How to differentiate between judgmental thoughts vs facts
// A simple practice to cultivate discernment in everyday life
Resources:
// Episode 44: The Power of the Pause
// Episode 111: Judgement and Blame
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