Many people are facing a hard realization right now: “If I don’t learn how to take care of myself, I will burn out.”
It’s true. You cannot dedicate yourself to creating the life you want, contributing to and changing the world… and then ignore your own bodily, mental and spiritual needs. Because that’s what causes self-combustion. And then you’re not helping yourself, let alone anyone else.
In reality, it’s a balancing act – in order to show up for others in your fullest capacity, you must first learn to nourish yourself so that you CAN show up, and show up well.
The truth is, at the most basic level of true allyship and the heart of what anti-racism work requires is this simple thing that many people – white folks in particular – still actively struggle with, whether they’re conscious of it or not: a genuine willingness to be uncomfortable.
As nationwide protests continue to erupt throughout cities small and large in the wake of the recent murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and many more, hard and important conversations have taken hold. Conversations about systemic racism and white terrorism. About police brutality and militarized violence. About collective rage pushed to the brink from centuries of oppression in a country that was founded on genocide and slavery, on stolen Indigenous land and on the backs of enslaved people stolen from Africa.
Past experiences shape who we are. We, humans, spend an incredible amount of time reliving our pasts and forming narratives that, consciously or unconsciously, can begin to dictate how we think of ourselves and how we show up in the world.
Why are we so willing to work hard for someone else’s dream but not our own? Why are we so willing to disappoint ourselves instead of someone else?
The truth is—unless you’re some kind of crazy-evolved superhuman—you probably spend a good deal of time and mental energy obsessing about what other people think of you. You may not even realize you do this. Or, you may be hyper-aware of it and wish you could just STOP CARING, but don’t know where or how to start.
We have this one, precious human life…at least in this body, on this miraculous planet, with these unique whacky people in our community around us. Yet too many of us spend this amazing opportunity tolerating things that no longer serve us.
I’m thinking we could all do with feeling a little better today, so I want you to try something with me real quick that’ll shift things for you.
One of the things I love to do with clients is explore their Peak Experiences – memories of events that spark their soul. It’s foundational to creating the life you want and is super fun to do, so let’s do it. Right here, right now. It doesn’t take too long.
For me, when I think of Peak Experiences in my life, it’s often special moments in the mountains when the light is just right, mountains towering above (or below!), perfect silence pervading, and feeling strong and centered and surrounded by beauty, like everything is perfect and I know it…
It can also be the crazy moments being taken up in the ocean’s swell on a surfboard only to have a pod of dolphins swim by and around and under as the sun rose and hit the waves just right so the dolphins surfing in the waves were backlit by a universal glow, feeling so small and slightly frightened about the vastness that lay below me in the ocean’s depths, yet somehow knowing it was all good…
Or lying by my dad’s side during his last days on this earth, my arms around him as he called me an angel and me being able to tell him how much I love him and to hear him tell me the same as he hovered in that sacred space between here and beyond the notions of “here and there,” somehow knowing that all was right.
Some of my Freedom School students have shared things like the flow they feel when painting or writing; how awesome they feel when giving a presentation on a topic they’re passionate about, as if they are just downloading from another source; an epic night of passion. You get the idea.
It seems the common themes in these experiences aren’t a pretty sunset or big adventure, but rather an innate knowing that all was exactly as it should be.
Perfect, in its own way.
Feeling connected.
Fully alive and present.
In the flow.
Peak experiences help us learn a lot about who we are, our values, how we honor those values.
When was your most recent peak experience? What were you doing? Where were you? Who were you with?
(Tip: if you can’t think of one, what would be a peak experience be for you?)
What does that experience tell you about what fulfills you?
Notice that this experience was a peak experience for you because it honored your deepest values. You were in alignment.
What were some that showed up? Nature? Connection? Passion? Adventure? Freedom?
Now, take that wisdom and see how you can manifest honoring these values more often in your daily life, so that you can feel that alignment.
And I do mean NOW.
Too many people wait until the Big Event happens – the new job, the new degree, the kids leaving for college, finally getting pregnant or having a partner, to fit into their old jeans, or make X amount of $$$ – before they start feeling joy and that their outside life is in alignment with their internal values.
But the catch is that to manifest all those things you want, you need to start feeling that way NOW. Because our thoughts create our feelings, and our FEELINGS drive our actions.
And guess what creates our reality?
Damn right. Our feelings.
Think about that – I know it makes sense intellectually but I want you to really grock this in your bones. Your feelings drive your actions which create your reality.
THIS is why it is so important to feel the way you think you’ll feel when you finally have that thing you’ve always wanted.
It’s the only way you’ll create that thing you’ve always wanted.
So if you want to do what it takes to create your ideal life, don’t wait to feel amazing.
Give yourself permission to feel that way RIGHT NOW.
In fact, it is ESSENTIAL to creating the life you were meant to live.
So take a moment now and think: is there something that reminds you of that peak experience?
Use it to help remember what is important to you….perhaps a rock from that mountain top, a photo in a cool frame, a seashell from the beach, a poem from your loved one. Place it somewhere you’ll see it – often.
Take a small part of each day to connect with your “special place.” Maybe go for a walk after dinner under the full moon, meditate in the morning on your gratitudes for 3-5 minutes, roll in the grass (or snow!) with your dog, make a plan to have a small adventures each week (go to a new restaurant, hike a new trail, go to a new class at the gym).
Whatever you do, try to find a way to stay connected to that peak experience.
Create the space in your life for it to enter more often, in unexpected ways.
To Your Freedom!
***
If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.
Maybe you’ve heard of self-compassion. If you’re like me, you may have wondered – out loud:
“Does self-compassion make you a wuss?”
I used to think so.
The first time a friend told me about taking a self-compassion workshop I thought, “Yeah that makes sense that she would need that…but I don’t.”
See, I’m from an immigrant family, and I was raised with the belief that you work hard and buck up and don’t complain and stay tough and THAT is how you rise up. That is how you stay safe and provide for yourself, and your family.
Confidence? Good. Resilience? Good. Courage? You bet your ass.
Self-compassion? I didn’t know much about it, so to me it seemed like something that only fragile privileged people had the time – or need – to do.
I knew that self-compassion was needed before you could give compassion in a genuine way. I had been doing Tong-Len and metta meditation practices long enough to know that. But studying it and practicing it and all these … techniques? That seemed like…overkill.
But I was a wrong.
I’ll spare you the details, but I was convinced to do the training myself in large part because it was being offered at one of my fave places on the planet – the iconic Esalen Institute on the Big Sur coast.
Think: clothing-optional hot springs on sea cliffs; getting massages with a view of the blue water as you feel the ocean spray from waves crashing below; organic food grown on the local farm; kombucha on tap…
I know. Some of you are like hellz no – I started running when you said clothing optional. But hey, I went to UC Santa Cruz for undergrad – which was a clothing optional University. That’s another story…
So anyway, it blew my mind. And I learned that you CAN self soothe and it WORKS. I used to think my brain would know it was me and not someone else and that it would say haha! You didn’t fool me! I know that’s YOU hugging yourself and not someone that actually cares about you!
But as it turns out, our brains just…want us to be nice to ourselves.
It likes it. We like it, even though it might feel über awkward at first.
And when we are self-compassionate instead of self-critical – when we turn off the inner mean girl and turn on our very adult ability to take care of ourselves – we calm the f*ck down. And we are ready for…life.
Ready to heal.
Ready to take some risks.
Because we know we’ll be ok.
And the research shows that people that do regular self-compassion practices have better resilience too. In fact, they are starting to teach it in the military to help prevent PTSD!
So no…it won’t make you a wuss.
It’ll help you warrior up for this wild new world we live in.
And just in case you’re wondering if it’s all about whispering nice things to yourself and giving yourself hugs, there’s also a FIERCE side to self-compassion.
There’s a yin and yang to everything, and self-compassion is no exception. The yin side if the soft, holing, receiving side. The yang side is the ability to protect yourself like a fierce mama bear – creating and sticking to healthy boundaries, saying, “No,” and having your own back.
You need both.
Try these things the next time your inner critic won’t shut up:
1) Say kind things to yourself. Stuck on that? What would you say to a friend in the same predicament? Say that to yourself.
2) Ask yourself, “What do you need right now?” (that you can give yourself). And do that – the nap. The walk. The bath. The ugly cry. The friend you can call who will listen.
3) I never thought I’d say this when I was riding my BMW enduro through the Oregon foothills or with my legs going numb after hours in a hanging belay on the walls of El Cap, but…try to give yourself a damn hug. There, I said it. Don’t shoot me. You can also try a warm hand over your heart or your belly. It can seriously work.
Or it might not. There are dozens of self-compassion practices just like there are dozens of types of birth control pills – not all sit well with everyone. So you just have to try it.
And hey, don’t let people walk all over you. Don’t tolerate BS. Don’t say, “Yes!” just because you’re afraid to disappoint. Practice that fierce self-compassion as well.
***
This month in Freedom School we’re diving into this for the entire month, so hop on over and join us. If you’re super resistant to the idea of self-compassion, you might be just like me and know, somewhere deep down, that this is the thing that will crack you open.
They are energy vampires. Happiness slayers. Joy slammers.
The thing is – we wake up every day with the potential to start over!
That cliché about “today is a new day” is totally true…even though you may want to roll your eyes if someone said it to you in the moment.
Here’s why:
When we feel regret about something – your last relationship, your birth experience, your mistake on the job, how you handled your last argument with your partner or friend – we they have a spider sense for a moment in the future that might feel similar to that event that brings up regret.
Then, when we feel that moment of resonance with the past – that moment when we’re like, “Hmmm….I really hope I don’t fuck this up again” – we can use it as an opportunity to create a new response.
We are allowed to have a ‘do-over.'”
Really? Yes.
For example, I think about how lately I’ve been leaning more into my morning ritual, and making sure I prioritize it so that I start the day off fresh and inspired and grounded. This helps me feel at ease with all the mornings that I wasted away with lazily sleeping in (which, BTW, is perfectly fine if it doesn’t bother you or throw off your day!), gluten or wine hangovers, or ruminating about all my worries.
I’m making up for those big time, because my NEW mornings are infused with freakin’ magic, peeps. My mornings, even before a day filled with ho-hum errands, are started with much-needed spiritual refining and tuning-in.
There’s more about mornings in particular that help with do-overs.
Mornings are energetically in alignment with all beginnings – so we can harness that and create a new experience and oust the regrets – every morning!
Ayurveda places a big emphasis on moments and transitions throughout the day. Each moment, each day, is so full of potential for changing how we experience life.
I’ve been working with many of my clients in developing these morning rituals as well, and they are reporting massive results – more energy, more creativity, more groundedness, more juicy living.
In Freedom School this month, we even did an entire class on how to create your daily rituals – because each new day gives a chance for a new beginning, and each closing of the day opens up a new cleansing of what came before.
Think of how you start your days.
Do you wake up at the last minute so you are rushing out of the house and spilling your tea or coffee everywhere?
Do you lie in bed for minutes or hours putting off shit you need to get done?
Do you feel foggy and sluggish because of eating unhealthfully or living a less-than-healthy lifestyle?
You can indeed do it differently in the morning. And really, when you honor and reshape your mornings to a ritual that serves you best, you can honor and reshape previous experiences too.
Cool, eh?
There’s more: every MOMENT – not just morning – is also fertile with opportunity to create something new.
What about the rest of your day?
Do you spend your free time perusing other people’s successes and feeling bad about where you are at?
Do you go to bed checking your email and thinking about all the shizzle you have to get done tomorrow?
Do you say “I’m sorry” just for speaking or taking up space or asking for advice or help?
These are all energy suckers!
You can instead examine why you are apologizing.
You can examine why you are obsessed about everything you have to do tomorrow (what’s the story you tell yourself about what happens, or who it means you are, if you don’t get everything done?).
You can examine why you are jealous about someone else’s success and are focusing on that instead of creating your own.
Often the motivator is some kind of regret, and we just need to stop that living-in-the-past shizzle if we are going to move forward with a life of freedom!
Create a NEW way of approaching things when those feeling come up.
But I know that there are times when we just…drop the ball.
What about when you really fucked up?
In Tibetan Buddhism there’s a four-step formula for making amends with a regret (also applicable to apologizing). This doesn’t have to do with anybody else, though. It can be ANY regret – even letting yourself down.
Having a proper process for making amends can help you start over. I’ve found it helpful to remember, because it keeps my apologies legit.
Here are the 4 Steps to Making Amends
• Recognize that either there was an experience you regret having had, or that perhaps you did something wrong – or let’s take the judgment out of it and change “wrong” to “something you weren’t so proud of”
• Sit with the feeling of remorse and regret so that you don’t half-ass it and have it lingering sneakily behind you for months or years. Feel it fully, knowing you can release it. Don’t create a story behind it. Just feel it.
• Move into a place of compassion for yourself (and the person you’ve harmed if it’s applicable). Notice the whole “compassion for yourself” part! Don’t skip over that! In fact, start with it.
• Then set the intention that you won’t do it again and take a positive action. So if you stole something, you could give something away when you saw someone in need. If you hurt someone with aggressive language, you can more openly and quickly forgive someone for the same infraction and send them loving kindness. And really, set the intention to not do it again and mean it. Apologies don’t mean shit when someone keeps making the same mistake over and over and just says they are sorry without meaning it.
If you regret something and it is taking over your mind, choose RIGHT NOW to do something to offset it.
And when you find a moment that resonates particularly powerfully with a regret, make a strong intention that how you handle it will help you release the old regret.
Once you’ve decided to let go, and you’ve taking positive action, then truly release it. It’s time.
I want to tell you about a time I made a lot of powerful, wealthy people very uncomfortable.
I was at a dinner – a very fancy dinner. My boyfriend at the time had just received a job offer with a highly reputable group after a competitive interview process. This was where we were going to all come together and they were going to meet me, and we could all hang out jovially and celebrate.
Things were going well. Despite growing up poor and with dinnertime around the TV set, by the time I was at this dinner I’d had a decade+ of practicing learning what to do with all those forks and spoons and how to make polite conversation with total strangers. There were many people at a very loooong table, and I was entertaining everyone in my vicinity.
I was in the middle of a story about an avalanche in the Himalayas.
But then the “thing” happened.
In the background, I picked up something in a conversation that I wasn’t a part of, and someone said, “What are black people complaining about anyway? Slavery ended over 200 years ago. It’s not our fault anymore. It’s time to get over it.”
I stopped mid-sentence with the person I was chatting with. I turned around and said,
“I’m sorry – what was that?”
“Oh, I was just saying I didn’t know why black people are still blaming slavery for all their issues when it ended 200 years ago, you know?” He was smiling. He was expecting me to smile back and agree.
There was an uncomfortable silence, but also an air that this discomfort would quickly go away once I realized “he wasn’t being racist.”
Except that’s not what was happening.
I turned my chair to face him fully. I picked up my glass of wine and took a large swig.
“Actually, segregation only ended in 1964…legally. That’s less than 40 years ago” (at the time).
I took another sip of my wine along with a deep breath, smiled, and waited for a response. Nothing – except for the smile turning into a very serious face, and awkward silence from the entire table, with a few uncomfortable laughs attempting to lighten the situation.
I continued, “Also, institutionalized racism and de facto segregation is still happening.
Like in hiring practices, school segregation and residential segregation due to things like ‘white flight’ among other issues. So you see, it’s all very real and it’s totally happing right now.
So actually, why people are still blaming rich white men makes sense to me. But I can get how that might feel uncomfortable to think about.”
I smiled and shot him a welcoming vibe – like, “Here’s your chance. Open up and learn something new, dude. Admit what you said was not ok. Evolve, dammit.”
I tried not to seem angry. But I was confident, knowledgable, and carried myself such that it was clear that I’d take on any kind of arguments with grace. Maybe not as much grace as the notorious RBG would have, but at least my own version.
I’ve learned many people don’t open up their minds when they feel attacked. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for outright flame throwing. I’ve been there and done that when it makes a difference. But I’ve learned over the years that many people are more wiling to listen when they aren’t feeling under fire. When we open with giving them the benefit of the doubt.
And while impact matters more than intent, so many people are not trying to be assholes. So I try to educate – before throwing flames.
He took a deep breath.
“Well, Ana…thank you for letting me know. I didn’t think about that part. It’s always nice to learn something new. I’m sorry if that offended you.”
How polite. How…uneventful. How…lacking in curiosity about how to evolve.
I replied, “I understand. It can be hard to remember that it’s the ‘land of the free’ for only a select few, especially when you are the one with the all freedom. But hopefully it’ll be easier to remember now. I know you’re a good guy and will do the right thing.”
I don’t know if he shifted his actual beliefs as a result of what I said – or if he even meant what he said – but I do know that at least I could sleep better that night. I acted with integrity. I also gave another human the benefit of the doubt. I was in alignment with my values, inside and out.
No regrets.
I hate regret. It’s a shitty emotion.
It’s one of the reasons why I do the work I do – so that people can live a life without regrets. And living a life without regret takes confidence. Courage. Vulnerability. Compassion. Self-compassion. Risks. Failures. Empathy. Loving humans…all of that does not come easily.
Living a life without regret takes practice, skills, commitment.
Partners in crime are also helpful.
Which brings me to my boyfriend. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but that he knew I was doing the right thing. I could tell he wished I hadn’t said that – but that he knew it was the right thing. I knew he was proud, but also embarrassed at the same time. I knew he wished I hadn’t said anything, but that wishing that was wrong.
But I knew that he really, really, really kinda wished I didn’t say anything – and that he was hoping I wouldn’t do it again.
I knew then he wasn’t my Person.
Alignment. Inside and out.
Who are you willing to disappoint so you can honor your truth?
I don’t offer these all the time, so snag it while it’s hot. Click here to grab your spot. It’s probably the single best use of 30 minutes you can come up with anytime soon. Pinky promise.
To Your Freedom!
***
If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.
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