I vowed I’d never be bored…and then this happened

Did you know I was an only child? I was. And a f*cking bored one. I grew up in a ghetto where I wasn’t allowed to play outside because there were so many drive-by shootings. I had 8 pets, an angry mom, and a schizophrenic father so the house was chaotic, and I locked myself in a room with books. And when I finished my books, I was So. Crazy. Bored.

I think without books I would have lost it.

I looked outside – through the bars that protected my window – and vowed to myself, “When I grow up, I will never, ever be bored.”

Well, I pretty much took care of that. You’re welcome, little me. I told ya I had your back.

I don’t think I’ve been bored for the majority of my time as an adult. On the contrary, I spent 10 years as a climbing guide, 7 years of that living out of my Volvo station wagon, 14 years as a midwife catching babies in all kids of places all over the world, filled two passports and am working on the third, started my own business, and managed to create a mandala of a life with all my passions.

But you know what I rediscovered?

Being bored.

On purpose.

It’s fucking mind-blowing.

See, I hated being bored when I was a kid because I didn’t have any agency over my world – or at least that’s what it felt like. I wasn’t choosing to do nothing.

But in the last decade of my life (stop wondering how old I am. I’m rockin’ 46), I’ve intentionally sought out regular silent retreats where I don’t do anything – not even read – except for meditating, eating, basic self care, and walking. For 10 days.

My body releases when I show up at the retreat center and realize with every cell in my being that, as Ajahn Budhadasana said, for 10 days I have:

“Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No one to be.”

It’s pure bliss.

Sound like torture to you? I used to think it would be too.

But what is boredom anyway?

It’s a thought you have about having nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No one to be.

How can I find it blissful now, and little me (or even 20-something me) found it boring?

We had different thoughts about it. 

That’s it!

So maybe I should re-phrase this.

I still don’t want to be bored. But I find it totally blissful to have Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No one to be.

I think it’s uh-mazing.

Because when you let go of needing to do shit, to go somewhere or to BE anything else than what you already are, you get to…be happy.

What’s wild is after I come out of retreat – even from one of my daylong mini-retreats I do out at our yurt – I’m filled with creativity. New ideas for new programs and awesome adventures to take and sweet things I can do for my friends or with my sexy mountain man. I remember to schedule massages and sign up for workshops I want to take. I write, I sing, I dance.

I think in being “bored,” I create space for newness to flow in. I create space for my desires to come forth.

The Universe abhors a vacuum. You create one with some stillness, and it will fill it.

And what it fills it with can be pretty amazing.

So what’s ironic is that doing nothing helps me live life more fully.

Sure – at first it may be uncomfortable. You may feel anxious and think, “WTF am I doing? Nothing! This is wrong. I’m wasting my life. I’m doing nothing.”

But eventually, you’ll come out the other side. The side where you know with every cell in your body, 

“OMG. This. This moment right here. This is everything.”

So try not to resist stillness. Boredom. Whatever you want to call it.

Just be with it and let it pass. Then shoot me an email about what you found. Was it messy? Did you survive (I bet you did;)? What surprised you?

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss. 

One of My Fave Poems for Hard Times

I wanted to share this poem, since it’s one of my faves of all time – especially when sh*t gets hard:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, Some momentary awareness comes  as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
—Rumi

So you see, this being human thing is hard.

It’s fucking real.

It’s hard and it’s beautiful and it’s crazy-making sometimes.

But it’s part of the price we pay for being alive on this amazing planet with our miraculous bodies.

There’s nothing wrong when these “new arrivals” come.

You’re just having a human experience.

So what are you going to do about it?

Don’t let it burden you.

Get curious. Invite it in. Don’t ask the sky, “Why me?”

Ask this new arrival, “Why are you here? What have I to learn?”

“Where are we going?”

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss. 

When the Going Gets Weird

How gozit? Are you hanging in there…or even thriving?

I joke about how with my introverted nature I am basking in all this time that I have to just be still and not have FOMO that I am missing out on great concerts or parties or events. I used to have to make myself stay in and nurture because despite knowing that solitude energized me, I’d often give it up to carpe the dang diem and go hear that band that was playing way past my bedtime, or head out to the cabin party that a bunch of friends were going to be at (even though I craved some me-time).

I’m sure it’ll hit me at some point, but for now, I’m doing swimmingly well!

I love this quote by Hunter S. Thompson:

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”


That’s what I’ve been choosing to do. Using this time to dig deep and deliver to my peeps.

One of my clients shared an article in our Freedom School FB group titled, “Why the Pandemic Isn’t Time for Self-improvement.”

Whaaa?

But when I read it it said that we should allow the grieving and the pain and reflect on the magnitude of what is happening now…not just try to stay busy taking courses or getting distracted etc.

OK. I get that.

But here’s the thing:

In order to know how to grieve in a healthy way, in order to reflect in a wise way on what is happening, guess what you need to have practiced?

Personal growth skills.

Otherwise we end up spiraling or getting depressed or ruminating about all the awful things happening or that might happen. We worry. We fear. We fret.

Notice there is a difference between grieving and spiraling into thoughts about how awful things are.

One serves you. One cleanses, purifies, lightens, allows, opens.

The other constricts, suffocates, buries, pushes down.

The goal in personal growth is never to NOT feel. On the contrary, in Freedom School we talk about HOW to feel – without letting it become overwhelming or leading to unskillful action.

There are three common ways we deal with emotion: resist, react, or distract.

But there is a fourth way that actually helps us process an emotion in a healthy way – and that is to allow it.

Allowing an uncomfortable emotion is NOT easy – especially at first.

My students practice it a ton. And you can bet it’s one of the most important skills they learn, because when we can allow an emotion – when we actually just feel it without adding a bunch of spiraling thoughts and judgments about it – we have true freedom. We are no longer afraid of feeling.

We need to learn to hold space for any emotion.

The spectrum of emotions that we will experience as a human being are normal and natural and part of what it means to be alive. When we can hold the space for any emotion to appear, to be present inside of us without judgment, then we are more likely be able to feel it and experience it in our body.

Without the thoughts that create a story around it.

Then we are more likely to be free.

And that, my friends, takes some personal growth.

Shit is weird. Go pro. Learn to feel your feelings and learn to not let emotions control you or your experience of life.

If you want extra support, don’t forget the two trainings calls I had in March:

Check out the replay of the How Not to Lose Your Sh*t in a Crisis training here (lots of healthcare professionals and their partners asking questions on this one).

Check out the replay of the Mindset Reset training here.

I hope you learn even just ONE tool that you can use right away to help you in these unusual, weird times.

And remember: you’re not alone.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

The Key to NOT Losing Your SH*T in a Crisis

So, here’s the thing.

I’ve ridden with rebels in the Congo with machine guns pointed at our heads (on bumpy roads to boot). I’ve worked handling critical traumas in refugee camps. I’ve delivered babies in emergent situations with only minutes to spare before a baby was at risk for brain damage or a mother bled to death.

I’ve been in a village where just over the hills was a disease called Marburg, that spread as easily as Ebola and was just as deadly. I’ve had gear fail on a climb and had to act quickly to keep me and my climbing partner safe. I’ve had a huge Himalayan-sized avalanche head our way and have to direct my clients on how to position themselves to stay safe.

In short: I do pretty well in crises.

But this is not because I am physically strong or confident.

It is because I have the ability to manage my mind.

To see what is really important.  

To stop the bullshit that goes through most of our brains when we are panicking and to decide myself what to focus on.

To remind myself that panicking never got anyone anywhere helpful.

To remember that I am Resilient. As. Fuck.

We need more people to be able to do that right now, more than ever.

I need YOU to do that. To show up for yourself and your community in a way that you help them stay focused on what is truly important. What we truly have control over.

As Thich Nhat Hanh, a well-known Buddhist and meditation teacher, said:

“When the crowded refugee boats met with storms or pirates, if every one panicked, all would be lost. But if even one person stayed calm, it was enough. It showed the way for everyone to survive.”

Wouldn’t it be amazing if you not only felt better, but could inspire others to take a different perspective as well?

To be the calm in the center of this storm?

I sure as hell think so.

Getting through this without breaking down is totally in your hands.

Let me show you how. Listen to a free call on this today!

Here’s to your calm + freedom.

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Why I Stopped Overdrinking

Hey there!

In 2020 I decided that I wasn’t going to drink alcohol…except for my June retreat in Positano (hey…it’s all about balance;). There were a few reasons for this, and they weren’t because I think alcohol is evil or bad.

1) I’m in a mindfulness meditation teacher training with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach, and they had encouraged us to take the 5 lay precepts for the duration of the training:

:: no lying
:: no stealing
:: no sexual misconduct
:: no killing
:: no intoxicants

In general I’m pretty solid on everything but the last one 😝

I opted out of that for the first year. In Buddhism the precepts aren’t “commandments” per se – you can choose which ones you can commit to or not since it’s better to be realistic and stick to something if you can really make a commitment.

But this year I decided to go for it. I’d cut out alcohol in the past when I was pregnant and during my doctoral program, when I knew I had to get high quality sleep and be able to get up at 5am to accomplish everything I needed to do.

2020 is a year where I have some amazing things planned, and once again I find myself asking, “Why do anything that doesn’t serve my highest good?” So I took Jack and Tara up on their invitation.

2) Ever since I turned 40, sleep sucks when I have a drink, even just 1-2. Sleep is key. In my medical practice, I see so many people who are chronically sleep-deprived. It’s at the root of so many psychological and physical problems. This mama doesn’t have time to not get enough sleep.

3) There’s a difference between freedom TO and freedom FROM. We often focus on the freedom TO part: location independence, freedom to buy what we want, being our own boss…basically, freedom to control our time, money and energy.

But there is an equally valid part of freedom and that’s when we free ourselves from things that no longer serve us. Bad habits. Toxic relationships. Basically, those things that no longer serve us.

I decided that I had gotten into a habit with having a drink every night. It wasn’t serving a purpose except that I got used to it and found myself having a drink with dinner even if I actually didn’t want one. I didn’t want to model that kind of mindless consumption for my daughter either.

When I used to smoke, I remember my meditation teacher once telling me that after she quit smoking it felt soooooo good not needing something anymore – to have so much brain space to think about other things than the next cigarette. Once she said that I was like, right!? I quit within a week.

Freedom FROM.

I’m not writing this to tell you to stop drinking, smoking, overeating, over-Netflixing or watching porn.

Nothing is inherently negative or bad in a moral sense.

I’m writing this to simply say it’s time to make sure your habits serve you and help you evolve instead of holding you back.

What are you ready to let go of?

Now’s the time.

Worried you can’t do it? If you want to cut back on something, come join Freedom School this month because we’re learning why we buffer with things that don’t serve us – and why it’s not our fault.

You’ll learn skills you can apply to stop overdrinking, overeating and over-anything.

There’s a free Drink Less Feel Free class in Freedom School too – and Stop Overeating is being released this week!

Let’s make March one of #truefreedom where we don’t just have freedom TO do the things we love, but freedom FROM that which no longer serves us – which is waaaay better, right?

You can do it YOUR way. Without judgment from anyone in the tribe.

It’s a no-brainer. Freedom School has the best tribe of supportive women that help you through it all and it’s a super-sweet deal. Come join us already!

To Your Freedom!

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

The One Question You Need to Ask Yourself Today


When I first started as a coach, I was amazed at the results I got when I asked people, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” You may have even heard that before – because it’s a powerful question. But I found one that’s even better.

Waaaay better.

Before we go there, let’s start with asking why “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” is so powerful.

Fear of failure is often what keeps us from going for our dreams – and its accompanying fears of humiliation, going broke, being rejected… So when we realize this, and we embrace that fear is just a feeling and one that we can learn to work with, it can open up a whole world of possibilities.

People begin to think OMG I’m not doing that just because I’m afraid I might fail! But I won’t fail! So…I’m going to go for it. And a dream is born. But now that I’ve been a coach for over a decade, I found that there is a more powerful question to ask:

What would you do even if you knew you WOULD fail?

You see, in this question, you are so deeply in touch with your longing, your passion, your desires, your purpose and what you want to create. When you are willing to do something and go for it even if you would fail, you know you’re all in.

And being all in is what a lot of the big things in life require of us. Because when you’re going for your BIG DREAM, you will fail. Lots of times. Sorry to break it to you, but I’d be lying if I said otherwise. Ask any successful person. They’ll say the difference between them and someone else is the other person wasn’t willing to fail enough times.

So sit with this today:

What are YOU willing to do, even if you knew you’d fail?

If you can answer this, congratulations – you just found something most people never will: something you want to do for the joy of pursuing it. I strongly recommend that whatever you choose to go all-in for in life have this element in it.

The joy of pursuit.

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

The Time I Confronted A Guy Wearing Full Body Studded Leather in Bangkok. With a Barstool.


I was making my annual Fall journey to Nepal to do some guiding, traveling with my once-ex, then giving-itanother-go boyfriend. There is usually an 18+ hour layover in Bangkok on most Thai Airways flights to KTM, so we headed into town for an all-nighter instead of trying to sleep in the stuffy airport.

For this particular layover, we chose to visit the Red Light district along Khao San Road. We heard the dance clubs there were awesome, and stories of the area always intrigued me. I was in my 20s, filled with curiosity and bit nervous (well, at least I was), while we visited a few places with exotic dancers that were initially pretty fun, with people seemingly happy and dancing and EXCELLENT music… but then things rapidly got sad for me. As we went to other clubs in the shadier parts of town, the vacant looks on many of the men and women’s faces depressed me, their oppression weighed heavy on me, and I soon declared I just wanted to spend the rest of the layover eating sticky rice and chicken while people watching at an outdoor cafe.

My boyfriend agreed and we picked our perch sitting on wooden barstools sipping on fruity drinks. It was going to be a LONG night. Things were already awkward between us. I knew things were not going to last forever, and in true pre-Freedom Junkie fashion, I wanted to beat the relationship to death lest I called it quits prematurely – or mistakenly.

We made small talk and commented on people’s outfits and went over our itineraries for our upcoming expeditions. We fought about him getting me the wrong drink “because he never listens.” Then I threw up because I must have eaten something funky earlier, but then I was fine;)

Then, right after that, I saw the Hairy Guy hit the Tiny Thai Woman.

He was HUGE. A big, hairy German guy wearing all black leather, with studs around his neck, wrists, waist, along his pant legs…he would have set off an airport metal detector from outside. And there he was, smacking around a little Thai woman. And she was a bulldog, fighting back, yelling at him, not taking any of his bullshit.

He hit her again. I was shocked. I looked around. People were just…watching. I looked at my boyfriend. He was just…watching.

I said to him, “Are you going to do anything?” And he looked back at me saying it was too dangerous. I was livid.

I stood up, grabbed the barstool I was sitting on, and went running towards the German guy like a Mama Moose. I read once that if someone tries to assault you, scream all crazy, like a banshee, and it will throw them off because you’re so whacked out.

Apparently this tactic worked.

I ran towards him screaming, pushing the legs of the stool towards his face – but intentionally not hitting him (I think if I had, he may have actually gotten more angry). I stood between him and the woman. I kept pushing the stool towards him asking him to go away, remembering what the circus guys did with the lions. The woman stood behind me yelling at him fiercely. He shouted at me, his face all red and sweaty and puffy. I yelled, “Get away from her! Go away! Back off!”.

Finally, his friends encouraged him to take a few steps back. He yelled a few more somethings in German towards the woman, and walked off with his posse of other hairy and balding dudes. The woman kept yelling in an ongoing rant, like a puppy still yelping after being stepped on. There was no thank you. No shared gaze of sisterhood. She just walked off, and I went the other way.

I carried the stool back to the cafe, plopped it down, looked at my boyfriend and said, “I want a beer. Buy. Me. A. Beer.”

I am very aware that I got lucky in this scenario. But I suppose everything happens for a reason. For some reason, Hairy Guy thought it was OK to hit a small Thai woman, and he turned away from the screaming banshee of an American.

I totally do NOT want men to get into fights, and in all honesty, if I wasn’t a woman, the Big Guy would have perhaps hit me, which means it would have indeed been dangerous for my boyfriend to have confronted him directly.

But still. My boyfriend just sat there, watching. And it was SO not sexy.

I mean, maybe he could have held my hand in concern, or expressed his horror, or stood up to let the guy know someone was at least watching…or have gone to try and find cops? And even if they wouldn’t do anything, he would have at least had the honor of having tried something.

I don’t know. Maybe it was too dangerous for him and maybe the only thing that could have helped the situation was some whacko American woman running at the Hairy Guy with a stool. Whatever it was, I did not like the fact that everyone was just watching.

It felt incredibly…disconnected. Like people didn’t realize we were a bunch of human beings witnessing something unacceptable.

Suffice it to say we broke up after that trip. We still climbed together, but then it was done. Not because of this scenario, but because I felt disrespected as a woman in the relationship, under-appreciated, and under-adored. I am a Leo. I crave adoration (pssst…so should you).

That episode kindled in me a burning conviction to spend less time watching and more time doing. It reminded me that activism wasn’t only for those passionate college years. Taking action is the way our beliefs and values manifest. Yet how many times do we just sit there, watching?

And why should we even care about this?

We need to care – and we need to act – because it is our actions that develop our self-respect. Our ziji – inner radiant confidence. Our integrity.

We need to care because if you want to be happy – really happy, like having long deep sleeps and gazing up at the stars feeling so damn blessed that you don’t even want to sleep because life is so good – you need to be in alignment.

You absolutely need your life to be in alignment with you values if you want to be truly content in life. And while we can fool ourselves that being in alignment means believing nice things and having good values, it is our ACTIONS that really show what we believe in. Words convey what you think. ACTIONS demonstrate what you BELIEVE. We need to be in alignment and act with integrity because crappy stuff happens in life – things will be hard sometimes and you will not like what is going on.

And in those times, it is your integrity and living in alignment that helps you feel…good about yourself. Even if not necessarily “happy.”

It helps you feel good about yourself and your connection to humanity when you are not necessarily feelinggood about life at the time. And in case you’re not up to date on the Positive Psychology literature, the quality ofour social connection is the single largest predictor of happiness. So if you’re feeling in a funk or a little down on yourself, check in with what one small action can you take to bring your life a little more into alignment with you values.

This will not only help you feel less anxious and more content, but you’ll also have more self-respect and confidence. And guess what? That helps you also be more productive and successful and fun to be around. So it’s a win-win when we strive to live authentically and in alignment.

Maybe you ride your bike to work today. Or finally write that blogpost you’ve been putting off – again. Maybe you call up a friend you’ve been meaning to get in touch with. Or stop and chat with a homeless person and give them some nourishing food. Or finally bring that box in the basement filled with clothes you don’t need to the local women’s shelter.

Wanting isn’t enough. Time to take action!

If you need some help with this, keep an eye out for my new idea baby

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

My Favorite Poem About Relationships

Since we’ve been jamming on how to take the different relationships in our lives to the next level, I thought I’d share with you one of my fave poems about them, The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. This poem changed so much for me when it came to what I look for in people that I let into my life. I got so clear because it seemed to articulate what I couldn’t.

As you read it, think about the types of boundaries someone would need to set in order to honor these values:


The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know

what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart’s longing.

how old you are.

It doesn’t interest me

I want to know

if you will risk

looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me

what planets are

squaring your moon…

I want to know

if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened

by life’s betrayals

or have become shriveled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Two of these areas really stand out for me when it comes to the topic of boundaries:

I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

This is about the skill I taught you in the last email – how to be with difficult emotions. It is so important to know how to be with them, allow them, and not just push them away. Otherwise that sh*t just blows up eventually. Ask me how I know…

And this:

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

When you set boundaries, you are bound to disappoint someone. AND you will be staying true to yourself in the process. If you let people be wrong about you and accuse you without letting it bring

you down, you will be so much more free and authentic. When you say, “No, thanks” when you’re not feeling it and, “Hellz yes!” when you are psyched about something, people will know they can trust you. That you won’t be harboring resentment.

More importantly, you’ll know you can trust yourself.

I invite you to step into your authenticity. To expect more from others – and yourself. Sometimes, all it takes for someone to step up and show up as a human with integrity is an invitation, someone saying, “I see that you are capable of this and expect you to show up this way.” This applies to ourselves as well.

Sometimes people don’t care to accept the invitation. Often it’s because they don’t see the possibility themselves. But that’s not about you.

That, my friend, is all about them.

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Why You Need to Set Boundaries Even When You’re Scared

I wanted to fill you in on something about fear, because managing fear has a lot to do with setting boundaries and staying true to yourself: Most day-to-day fear is not useful.

It only pretends to be useful.

Most often, this fear is not there to save our lives or protect us from imminent danger. Which is what its original purpose was. When it comes to setting boundaries, we feel fear around people not liking us anymore. Or being alone. Or disappointing someone. Or looking like a bitch. Or people talking sh*t about us.

But it’s just the perception of fear that we are experiencing, and it needs a gentle reminder to move along. We can allow fear to stop us in our tracks, or we can remind ourselves, “Oh, yeah, this isn’t going to physically hurt me. I’m not going to die. No one’s going to die here.”

In many ways, fear serves us. It keeps us from doing things that could legitimately hurt us. It can help us make better decisions when it comes to our safety. However, the thing to realize is that our brains are super-programmed for fear and for survival, but we’ve evolved, and nowadays, a lot of our fear is irrational and even unnecessary.

Simply recognizing that fear and irrational fear are going to be a part of our lives will help immensely with moving forward. Don’t obsess about “getting rid” of it. Focus on embracing it and having it be a part of our evolutionary brain.

Also, fear does not mean stop. You don’t have to be fearless to take action. Really consider this. Taking action while acknowledging fear can be one of the most powerful things that we do. Most of the fear that we have comes from a thought in our minds, a thought that is irrational.

Let that sink in! We let this thought have sooooo much power over us. We let being afraid of feeling an emotion keep us from setting boundaries and taking care of ourselves. Irrational fear that stops us in our tracks is often the result of a mismanaged mind.

We can overcome fear by deciding not to believe the thoughts causing it. Instead, we can understand it, find its cause, find the thought patterns that are causing it, and then change them. If the fear is deep-seated and hard to change, I want you to take action anyway.

When you take action, all of those fears get proven wrong. You’ll be fine.

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

Why I know You’re Not as Fragile as You Think

I was recently scuba diving in the Philippines and while 60 ft deep my BDC (vest that can inflate/deflate with air) started to self-inflate and I was shooting up to the surface way more quickly than was safe. I employed all the safety measures I knew but my vest kept inflating and I had no idea why. I looked at my air supply and it had dropped to half in under 5 minutes from when I last checked. I searched for the dive master and he saw me signaling to him that I had a problem.

He came over and discovered the self-inflation issue and rapidly deflated by BCD as we slowly went up to the surface. Then my regulator was being weird and I couldn’t draw a smooth breath of air. To boot, I have a history of exercise-induced asthma and my lungs did not like this feeling.

I could have easily panicked. In fact, I visualized the drama that would ensue if I freaked out and ended up going unconscious or something.

Not an option.

So I told myself, “Ana, get your shit together. Now is not the time to freak the fuck out. You need to stay calm so you don’t have a panic attack down here.” Oh and did I have sooooo many reasons to panic. Real reasons. Not like a bullshit email from a boss or a voicemail I’m nervous to listen to. I was literally running out of air and my gear was all messed up.

I slowed my breath. Made sure my BCD was constantly being deflated. I reassumed myself that while my air supply had dropped, I had backups – I could draw on my dive master’s tank or my husband’s if I had to. I heard a hissing sound behind me which signaled another leak which I could have spiraled on about but I knew I was already heading up and would be OK.

I reminded myself that freaking out would help no one, and certainly NOT the current situation. I reminded myself I had a choice. That despite feeing dizzy and short of breath, I did not have to freak out. I needed to stay calm, and if I did pass out, at least I did everything I could to not contribute to it.

It all turned out fine

Aside from being reminded why it’s always a good idea to bring your own BCD to dive (especially in in developing countries), I learned a few things about my character. I often reframe super challenging situations as “final exams” for the work I do with managing my mind and emotions. This was no exception. My husband is really really good at this too, and it helps when I start to spiral.

Once in the boat, I whined to him how it was super annoying because I couldn’t relax and this was supposed to be our “date” for this vacation since my cousin was watching our kiddo, Maia. He says, “Yeah, I’m sorry that happened. But any experience – even one like this – is good to have, because you know more now.”

“Well shit,” I thought, “I guess that is why I married you! You remind me of my best self!” You see, he was filling in for a voice that I have heard before from within me – my voice of resilience and antifragility.

I learned about the concept of antifragility recently and it resonated with me so much that I had to share it with you since it’s totally related to resilience. Something – or someone – that’s antifragile increases its capability to thrive as a result of stressors, shocks, setbacks, mistakes, attacks, or failures.

It increases in capability the more it fails.

Sort of like learning to walk. The more you fall, the stronger you get. You HAVE to fall to get good at walking. It’s part of the deal. The more you fall, the better you get at it. When it comes to this, we are antifragile. We don’t say “Oh no! Don’t fall! That’s not supposed to happen!” We know that’s part of the learning. Same with riding a bike. At first, you fall more than you ride the bike. While related, this concept is different from being resilient or robust. Not only can you stand up to things, but they make you stronger.

A great example of this is something I learned while geeking out on my first Master’s degree at UC San Francisco. I was on my ortho rotation and learned that bones heal stronger after a fracture than they were prior to the injury.

Another analogy is going to the gym. Your muscles are antifragile. The more stress you build up on them, the stronger they get. Instead of viewing challenges or failures as something to protect ourselves from, the anti-fragile see these “problems” as opportunities for growth. A chance to test themselves and push themselves to new heights.

When we label ourselves as being “sensitive,” we can indeed do that in a way that’s compassionate, especially when you go through something that seems vulnerable to your mind. But when you use it in a way that leads us to be overly hurt/offended in the world, we don’t take risks since we are always trying to protect ourselves. This makes us weaker because we avoid the failure, the embarrassment, the mistakes. We don’t expose ourselves to challenges. So we don’t grow. Many of us stop at “robust.” At “strong enough.” We are happy just surviving it.

This is related to the concept of post-traumatic growth. Many people survive a trauma and become stronger not in spite of it but because of it.

Take resilience to the next level. Consider adding this to your collection of characteristics. That you are anti-fragile. You can use challenges, failures, mistake and stressors to make yourself stronger. You will use the things in life that challenge you as free weights.

You’ll say “bring it on!” Bring on the weights. The exercise. Remember how I teach that life is 50/50? You can use the other half – the half that is more challenging – to buff out emotionally;)

In Buddhism there is the concept of the “god realm” where people live eons in perfect bliss. Excellent food, beautiful surroundings, perfect bodies and great sex. The monk that taught me the concept of the god realm followed this description with, “Kind of like California!”

It all sounds great until the goddesses and gods notice the first petal of a rose starting to wilt. The they notice the foul smell of stagnant water. And because they have lived life without any suffering, when they realize it won’t last forever – that everything is impermanent – their suffering is more extreme because of it.

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