7 signs you’re at risk of living a boring life – and how to prevent boredom now

I grew up as an only child – and even though I grew up with 9 boys (my “cousins”) that taught me how to share and how to play tough, and who made me always play Princess Leia when I really wanted to play Darth Vader (no one else wanted to play a girl), there were many, many times when I was bored.

Bored out of my fu*king mind.

So bored, in fact, that I would cover my face with my pillow and cry.

I remember vowing one night that I would do my absolute best to not ever be bored again.

But then it still kept creeping up on me! Some moments that pop into mind are: when I moved to the San Francisco for graduate school and found myself going from living out of my Volvo and sleeping under the stars to sitting more than ever inside concrete buildings; after I had my baby and being freakin’ exhausted seemed like a good enough excuse to talk myself out of anything; when I got my first full-time job as a midwife, and my vacation time went from months off each year to a few weeks…

I found some similarities in all these instances and wanted to share them with you.

I tell you – it creeps up on you and you don’t wan to be caught sleeping when it does! Here are some tips to help you bypass boredom so you don’t get side-swiped by it like I did:

7 SIGNS YOU’RE AT RISK OF LIVING A BORING LIFE

1) It takes you a really long time to get out of bed – because there’s no really good reason for you to hop out and carpe the dang diem anyway!

2) Watching TV or movies is the #1 way you spend your free time. This could mean that you are busy watching other people’s interesting lives instead of getting out there and living your own. Exception: the occasional guilty pleasure series marathons with friends or lovers 😉

3) You are jealous. A lot. Jealousy is a sign of desire. It’s not a “bad” feeling or a sign that you are some kind of corrupted person. It means you want something. When you’re living a kickass life, you are jealous way less often. This is because you either compare yourself to others way less, or you are living a life you really, really like. When you’re not living a live you love, you get jealous of other people who are – or who at least seem like it.

4) You spy on people via Facebook or other social media – and rarely post. This is almost like spending too much time watching TV/movies. You were put on this gorgeous planet to experience it and DIVE IN!

You were put here to feel wind on your skin and the dizzying drop of your insides when you swoop down on a swing or rollercoaster (yes I still LOVE swings!), to dip into the chilly waters of an alpine lake, to have epic orgasms and accidentally step into cow poop while wandering market streets in India, to wake up with the moonlight shining brightly on your face, to laugh deep deep belly laughs with your friends.

Not to scroll down a screen watching other people do it.

5) You have crappy sleep. A day well-lived is one where you collapse into bed tired and content. You’ve exercised, you’ve gotten done what you wanted to get done, and you feel a satisfaction that a life well-lived gives you. And you sleep deeply because dang, a life like that needs it!

6) You don’t feel sexy. Sexy is more than something you feel in your body. In fact, that is the smallest part of sexy. Feeling sexy is mostly about how you perceive yourself. And you know yourself best, sistah. You can’t lie to yourself about if you’re living your best life. You know the truth. When you are doing cool shit, you hold your head high, you’re not afraid to talk to people because you want to tell them what you’ve been up to, and you strut your shizzle. Living an exciting life is absolutely the best ingredient for sexy.

7) You don’t have any energy and may be sporting the Boredom Belly. If you’re like me, when you’re bored, you eat emotionally, and this is usually food that isn’t the best for maximizing your Thrive. It’s usually stuff like carbs or sugars or heavy, poor-quality fats or salts. These all sap your energy and you end up pooped as a result. You may even have the Boredom Belly, as I like to call it – belly fat is associated with stress and high-carb eating, among other things also associated with a boring life.

Can you recognize yourself in any of these? No worries, amiga!

boredomI’VE GOT SOME IDEAS FOR YOU TO TURN THAT TRAIN AROUND … AND HOW TO PREVENT BOREDOM NOW

:: Do a cleanse – this will give you something to focus on other than other people’s Facebook profiles, and will up your energy factor so you can more easily get out there and start having some amazing experiences! It’s a great way to kickstart your mind and body

:: Unplug – When you don’t have the distraction of watching other people’s lives, and when you also suddenly have more hours in the day to do cool shit, there is way more possibility to bring excitement back into your life.

:: Try something new every day. When you break habits – even things as simple as eating something different for lunch, driving a different way to work, reading a new magazine – your brain is primed for new experiences and is more likely to be comfortable with change. Which means you’ll more easily step out of your boring patterns, and be way more likely to do some new cool shizzle

:: Plan an adventure. This doesn’t have to be a trip with your family to a politically unstable country with a fuel crisis and food shortage like the trip I’m about to take with by hubby and baby tomorrow. It could really be as simple as going out to a nearby lake at night, and sitting at it’s edge watching the stars and moon reflected on the surface; or going to visit a part of town you’ve never been to: ever had a Korean spa experience in your local Korea Town?

Ever smelled the spices and sundries or stared at the dried bodies of various reptiles in the apothecaries of China Town? Take an intro Capoiera class, or ride your bike around town and simply get lost.

:: Above all – discover what excites you. The antidote to boredom is excitement, and you need to know what lights your fire and fans your flames. It’s your duty in life.

Those are just a few ideas. And guess what? My Urban Wellness Club has even more awesome ideas that you can receive throughout the year to make sure your life is never, ever boring. You’ll also have me and a tribe of amazing women to keep you inspired and accountable throughout the year – because we all know how easily we can fall off the wagon and into a boring funk. Will I see you there? I dare you. Grab Your Boredom Insurance Here.

In the meantime, I dare you to do one of the things I mentioned above to keep yourself from getting bored. Which did you choose? Or better yet, what’s one of the tricks YOU use to keep from getting bored? Do more of that!

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

Are you screwing yourself by trying to be too awesome? Maximizers vs Satisficers

maximizingAs a part of the Freedom Junkie tribe, you probably suffer occasionally from FOMO.

Aka: Fear of Missing Out.



ME TOO.

In fact, there’s a scientific term for us FOMO-ers – called “Maximizers.”

Maximizers try to milk the very best drop out of everything. They want the best flight itinerary, the absolutely most awesome choice of toothpaste, the best deal on the car they just bought (and they will price compare LONG after the option to return the car has passed)… you get the gist.

At first glance, you might be thinking: Ummm…. Maximizers are pretty f**cking awesome!



So, what’s the problem?

Maximizers suck at being happy with what they ALREADY have.

And it takes them forevs to make a decision (because they want to make sure they aren’t jumping the gun and missing the “best” decision).

While planning fun trips and scoring the-best-in-the-world cake pan, Maximizers are constantly riddled with guilt & regret over past choices.



Maybe they just took the most amazing trip EVER… but the Maximizer follows the gripping account of their latest adventure with: “But if we had only waited 2 weeks to go, the weather would have been perfect!”

How did they even know what the weather was like after they left??? They know.

Because they wonder if it could have been even better and looked that shit up.

They sought out proof.

Part of the issue these days is Maximizers are up against more options than ever.

Can people feel worse off as the options they face increase? The present studies in the social sciences suggest that Maximizers are particularly prone to this.

(BTW…Are you feeling a little uncomfortable recognizing yourself in this description? Yeah. Me too.)

So what’s the opposite of a Maximizer? A Slacker?

Au contraire! They are called Satisficers. Not “Settlers,” mind you. Satisficers.

Gretchen Rubin, a Positive Psychology researcher, states:

“Satisficers are those who make a decision or take action once their criteria are met. That doesn’t mean they’ll settle for mediocrity; their criteria can be very high; but as soon as they find the car, the hotel, or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied.”

Satisficers don’t settle for second best. Instead, they:

1) get clear about exactly what they want and what would feel good
2) when they achieve that, they stop “wanting” and feel content

So WTF is wrong with that?

Nothing!

Maximizers apparently don’t have a standard other than having the best experience…in hindsight. They don’t know what will make them happy, so they just keep going for the best and better and better and mo’ bettah. They will rarely feel satisfied, because they are not clear about what they want. Or how they’ll know when they’ve arrived at a place where they have permission to feel…satisfied.

(This is why Clarity is so important in all the work I do with my clients!)

Not convinced that being a Maximizer is all that bad? Here are the things that Maximizers suffer from far more than those who are Satisficers:

•    less happiness (for realz!)
•    lower levels of optimism
•    lower self-esteem
•    decreased life satisfaction
•    more depression
•    increased perfectionism
•    higher levels of regret
•    less satisfied with consumer decisions
•    more likely to engage in – and be adversely affected by – social comparison
•    more associated with poor adaptation and self-blame
Now I don’t know about you, but after reading that list, Satisficing sounds pretty sweet.

So how can we get more clear about what we need to be Satisfied…and hence a Satisfier?

Top 5 Tips to Feel Satisfied (Finally!) (Bonus suggestion: for a year‘s worth of tips, join the Urban Wellness Club here)

1. Know what you want, what you crave, what you desire. Knowing this in detail – so detailed that you can feel it ripple up your spine – will help you manifest it, and surrender once it has arrived.

2. Ask yourself, “Is it worth X to me?” Screw what other people think something is worth. I learned this when mastering the skill of bargaining in Asia. It exhausted me…until I found that I could give myself permission to pay what I thought something was worth, instead of comparing what other awesome deal someone else got – or might get. Pay it happily if you think it’s worth it – after just the right amount of due diligence.

When you buy something, and later someone brings up it was less somewhere else or that they paid less, remind yourself, “I don’t care. It was worth what I paid to ME.” Celebrate it!

3. Remember that you can be a Satisficer in one arena but a Maximizer in others – choose wisely! This can screw us up when we are Maximizers in this like relationships but are cool being Satisficers with burritos. Strive for Satisficing in the really core areas of your life, which will encourage you to get clear about what is most important to you – where it counts.

4. Set yourself up for less Decision Overload. Have routines (routines make the decisions for you during that part of the day since its just what you do!); go to smaller shops and stores with fewer options

5. Learn to “need” less. In other words, Simplify. When I was working and traveling in Asia, I loved how I went to the corner shop and asked, “Do you have toothpaste?” and they said, “Yes!” And plopped down one tube of toothpaste onto the wooden shelf in front of me. No choices. That was the toothpaste. I was thrilled. Way easier then “tartar control” “whitening” “flouride or non-flouride” “paste or gel” “baking soda or not?”

Want more help living a life feeling ridiculously indulgent and satisfied instead of craving something you can’t even describe? I’ve got a whole YEAR’S worth of juiciness for you at the Urban Wellness Club, and general registration is open (think: inspiration to live into your desires and make them real NOW – not “some day.”) Throughout the year I help women like you crystal clear on what they want… what deeply satisfies them… and then do what it takes to get it. Learn more by clicking here…

Ahhhh…. bliss <3

If that sounds orgasmic, I assure you – it totally is.

Today, I dare you to not regret a decision you make – when you catch yourself ruminating about how you could have done it “better” or if you could have found it for $10 less somewhere else, let it go. Share with me below what you did!

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Forget About Six Figures – How to Know When Enough is Enough (how much money is enough for you – really?)

I’ve been discussing a lot about the topic of “Six Figures” with fellow coaches, and collectively, we pretty much want to vomit when we hear business coaches talking about “making six figures off your first launch” or when we see all the cheesy marketing out there that promises you’ll make the elusive “six figures” if you study that person’s “Blueprint” or “Map” or “6 week Program.”

As part of my goal to simplify for the year, I wanted to know what was my true minimum income I needed to be happy and still feel fulfilled with the things I want to do in life – and be able to offer my gifts to the world.

I knew that the siren’s call of the 6-Figure income was a distraction and a constant nag in my past, and I wanted to know what was truly enough for me?

But first … who came up with Six Figures being The Goal, anyway?

It seems to me that a lot of people are starting to drum up their idea of success – whether in their business or in their career working for someone else – as making at least six figures. Let’s be honest – it is implied that once you make 6-figures, you will be much happier and healthier (and likely better looking LOL ;).

You and I both know – when we step back from the media influx – that making 6-figures doesn’t really make you happy in the deepest sense of the word. And it certainly doesn’t make you markedly better looking unless you plan to spend at least half of that on some serious facial reconstruction.

Studies have shown repeatedly that above $70,000 there is not a statistically significant change in happiness until you reach WAY more than the $100,000 mark. And even at that point, it doesn’t increase by much. To boot, some of the only studies that have shown that more money can make you happy are related to you giving that money away.

So there.

Then why are we still all sucked into this idea of 6-Figures? I admit that in my early days of coaching, I definitely used the 6-figure mark as the point at which I’d finally tell myself that I’d arrived as a successful coach.

The bullshit part about that is that it felt like that goal negated all the powerful transformation that was going on with my clients and my business BEFORE I hit that 6-figure mark. Nothing was “enough” until I reached that. I’d always feel a little less successful as a coach, no matter how many gorgeous emails of gratitude I received or comments on my blogposts about how I was helping someone.

I finally had enough of that carrot being dangled in front of me. Screw it, I thought. Why did I think I needed to make 6-figures anyway? I have lived an amazingly fulfilling life traveling the world making only $14,000 a year when I was a climbing guide. I had so many life adventures and rich experiences with quality human beings that are in my life to this day…and all while making far less than 6-figures.

I now know that I had the goal of 6-figures because that’s what all the business programs I was taking referred to as a milestone. And I knew that I needed to know what was my “enough.”

This is not to negate that milestone. It WAS truly amazing the first year I made 6-figures. But you know what? It wasn’t that long ago. I have been a coach since 2010 and only in the last 18 months did I finally hit that mark. I came damn close a few times, and felt “less than” because of it. What a shame, right?

My life was actually quite awesome BEFORE I made 6-figures too! I traveled and loved and adventured and rested and played and dined…and the only “negative” was that I felt I was not enough because I hadn’t met the 6-figure mark. Something must be “wrong” with me if I hadn’t done that yet. And now that I’ve hit that mark, I ended up giving away the amount I made above that to a freakin’ awesome non-profit!

I realized that the reason I was content and happy before I made my 6-figures was because I had cultivated a strong happiness practice of meditation, exercise, community, contributing to society, and play…and I was making ENOUGH.

How did I go about discovering that sweet spot number, and how can I help you learn how much money is ENOUGH for you?

So glad you asked;)

I challenge you to discover the actual number of what is the minimum you need to earn in order to be happy – not just alive and surviving, but happy and thriving. What is the actual MINIMUM amount you need to make in order to pay your bills, have some fun, and offer your gifts to the world?

EnoughLots of people start adding things to the list that they really don’t need, like “I really need to eat out twice a week in order to be truly happy.” Well, if that’s true for you, then go ahead and put it in there. However, beware of the things you think you “must” have in order to thrive.

I LOVE eating out, and quality whole food is an experience that eats up a huge chunk of my budget, but I have decided that if I could hit a restaurant once or twice a month, that would suffice to meet my “eating out” desires. If it’s not having to do the dishes that I like, or even liking to not have to cook as much, I could alternatively have scrumptious dinner parties or potlucks…and make ample use of my dishwasher and offers to help clean up.

The reason it is totally worthwhile to know what how much money is enough for you is this:

When you know what “enough” truly is for you, abundance flows even more freely. (tweet it!)

Isn’t it ironic? Once you know what you need to live in simple abundance, even more abundance can then flow into your life!

I know this is true for me. It wasn’t until I vowed to really simplify my business and my life that abundance flowed in even more easily.

I believe this is partly because once you know your minimum, anything above that is easy to see as a blessing, and more than enough. And as the Law of Attraction Goes – energy goes where attention flows, and when you see the world as an abundant place, guess what? More abundance comes your way.

This doesn’t meant to stop striving for the 6-figures if you want to. Rather,

It means not identifying your self worth or happiness with that 6-figures number, and being able to know how to enjoy this wild and precious life of yours with…enough.

And appreciating the abundance you DO have as well!

Discovering your “enough” also doesn’t mean using your minimum number to represent what is the bare minimum you need to live on in order not to become homeless or destitute. We are talking about the minimum you need to be happy and thrive.

It is a potentially tricky thing to figure out, and our minds can really mess with us in regards to what we really “need” and want. However, it is absolutely worth doing.

Discovering Your “Enough”

Be sure to set aside at least 1 hour to do the following activity, and create a sacred space to do it in (think: candles, favorite beverage, incense, calm music, views of nature, or whatever floats your boat when it comes to sacred space).

What you’ll be doing is:

1) coming up with a monthly budget of your minimum needs per month

2) and then adding in the one-time expenses you plan to have each year such as plane tickets, gas and lodging or camping for a road trip, or gifts for yourself or loved ones.Total these items.

3) Then take your monthly budget, multiply it by 12, and add it to the one-time expenses total.

(Don’t panic – I’ve created a spreadsheet to help simplify this for you – you’re welcome;)

Then – before you know it – you will have your minimum! Your enough.

After that, you may see a beautiful thing – what you need is actually already right in front of you…or at least much closer than you thought. And it’s often a helluva lot closer than 6-figures.

My enough is $5,000 a month. Again, I could be happy with less, but we aren’t calculating here what minimum I need to just be content and hang in there. I have lived off of FAR less the majority of my pretty amazing life.

However, what we want to figure out is what is the minimum to live a lifestyle that is awesome for you. And for me, that includes a couple of long vacations a year, monthly payments for my airstream and mortgage, and eating out now and then, among other things. I also now have a baby which has added significantly to my monthly minimum needs!

Suffice it to say, I was super psyched to see that my number was WAY below 6 freaking figures. I know if I make $60,000 a year, I will be able to live a life in alignment with my values and goals and dreams. If I make more than that, I’ll have more to give away and to do cool things with. And perhaps save a little more too, which has always been an – ahem – weakness of mine.

THE WORKSHEETS

To help you out, I’ve created a cool little spreadsheet you can use. When I discovered this, it helped me feel so much more relaxed about money! Here’s the key:

Do the worksheet first for your minimum (what are the basics you need not just to survive, but to thrive in a simple way)…and then duplicate it to then use for your “more than enough” goals as well – those things that are icing on the cake, like a camping trip in Morocco instead of at your local state park (both of which are fabulous!).

I am a Mac user so I created this in the easy-to-use Numbers program. If you have this program, click here to download the Numbers version. I prefer this version since it let’s you split out annual expenses and income as well as monthyl (my life definitely doesn’t split up into neat monthly events;)

If you don’t own the Numbers program, click here for the Excel version. It isn’t as elegant as the Numbers design, and is “only” a monthly budget, but you can still do it and have it get you get clear

You can use the Monthly and Additional Expenses tables in the Numbers form to come up with your minimum (you don’t have to fill out the income tables for this exercise). I also recommend you do this exercise on your computer so you can take advantage of the spreadsheet’s functionality (it adds things up for you!).

Caveats:

:: you may have to do this several times before arriving at your number

:: this number will change with time – as you change, as your circumstances change (like mine with a baby), as life happens

:: you may have to start with your “ideal” numbers before you can whittle things down to your “enough” numbers. Therefore, you may want to make a few duplicate copies of these spreadsheets on your computer before filling them in.

WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR ABUNDANCE

Once you’ve realized how much you need to make, what does science show us about the ways that money can actually bring us more happiness – if at all? As I said earlier, giving money away to others in need is a big way to help yourself feel better. This is why tithing is a part of almost every spiritual tradition. But wait – there’s more!

Another great guideline is this:

Use your abundance to buy experiences instead of things.

Hands down this is a common practice amongst those that have more happiness than others. They spend their money on experiences instead of things. Read: festival tickets instead of a new stereo; plane tickets instead of a 60 inch flat screen on which to watch people traveling; regular outings to a dance club in order to sweat your prayers instead of another pair of shoes.

I hope this has inspired you to have the courage to discover what is financially enough for you. I find that it will truly create more freedom in life, and abundance in one’s mindset and in reality as well. So go for it!

Since change comes with taking action, I want you to know I am committed to reading your responses and will reply to each one. I really want you to do this!

Please comment on the blog below, and let me know what is now possible for you knowing your “enough.” What did you learn in doing the activity? Feel free to share what your “enough” number is as well. I think it is awesome to see the ranges that are possible.

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If you want to join a squad of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

Live in Alignment. Your actions – not words – demonstrate what you believe

actions wordsIn 2000 I was making my annual Fall journey to Nepal to do some guiding, and was traveling with my once-ex, then giving-it-another-go boyfriend. There is usually an 18+ hour layover in Bangkok on most Thai Airways flights to KTM, so we headed into town for an all-nighter instead of trying to sleep in the stuffy airport (this was pre-renovation).

For this particular layover, we chose to visit the Red Light district along Khao San Road. We heard the dance clubs there were awesome, and stories of the area always intrigued me.

Filled with curiosity and bit nervous (well, at least I was), we visited a few places with exotic dancers that were initially pretty fun, with people seemingly happy and dancing and EXCELLENT music… but then things rapidly got sad for me. As we went to other clubs in the shadier parts of town, the vacant looks on many of the men and women’s faces depressed me, their oppression weighed heavy on me, and I soon declared I just wanted to spend the rest of the layover eating sticky rice and chicken while people watching at an outdoor cafe.

My boyfriend agreed and we picked our perch sitting on wooden barstools sipping on fruity drinks. It was going to be a LONG night.

Things were already awkward between us. I knew things were not going to last forever, and in true pre-Freedom Junkie fashion, I wanted to beat the relationship to death lest I called it quits prematurely – or mistakenly.

We made small talk and commented on people’s outfits and went over our itineraries for our upcoming expeditions. We fought about him getting me the wrong drink “because he never listens.” Then I threw up because I must have eaten something funky earlier, but then I was fine;)

Right after that, I saw the Hairy Guy hit the Tiny Thai Woman.

He was HUGE. A big, hairy German guy wearing all black leather, with studs around his neck, wrists, waist, along his pant legs…he would have set off an airport metal detector from outside. And there he was, smacking around a little Thai woman.

And she was a bulldog, fighting back, yelling at him, not taking any of his bullshit.

He hit her again.

I was shocked. I looked around. People were just…watching.

I looked at my boyfriend. He was just…watching.

I said to him, “Are you going to do anything?” And he looked back at me saying it was too dangerous.

I was livid.

I stood up, grabbed the barstool I was sitting on, and went running towards the German guy like a Mama Bear.

I read once that if someone tries to assault you, scream all crazy, like a banshee, and it will throw them off because you’re so whacked out.

Apparently this tactic worked.

I ran towards him screaming, pushing the legs of the stool towards his face – but intentionally not hitting him (I think if I had, he may have actually gotten more angry). I stood between him and the woman. I kept pushing the stool towards him asking him to go away, remembering what the circus guys did with the lions.

The woman stood behind me yelling at him fiercely.

He shouted at me, his face all red and sweaty and puffy. I yelled, “Get away from her! Go away! Back off!”. Finally, his friends encouraged him to take a few steps back. He yelled a few more somethings in German towards the woman, and walked off with his posse of other hairy and balding dudes. The woman kept yelling in an ongoing rant, like a puppy still yelping after being stepped on. There was no thank you. No shared gaze of sisterhood. She just walked off, and I went the other way.

I carried the stool back to the cafe, plopped it down, looked at my boyfriend and said, “I want a beer. Buy. Me. A. Beer.”

I am very aware that I got lucky in this scenario. But I suppose everything happens for a reason. For some reason, Hairy Guy thought it was OK to hit a small Thai woman, and he turned away from the screaming banshee of an American.

I totally do NOT want men to get into fights, and in all honesty, if I wasn’t a woman, the Big Guy would have perhaps hit me, which means it would have indeed been dangerous for my boyfriend to have confronted him directly.

But still.

My boyfriend just sat there, watching. And it was SO not sexy.

I mean, maybe he could have held my hand in concern, or expressed his horror, or stood up to let the guy know someone was at least watching…or have gone to try and find cops? And even if they wouldn’t do anything, he would have at least had the honor of having tried something.

I don’t know. Maybe it was too dangerous for him and maybe the only thing that could have helped the situation was some whacko American woman running at the Hairy Guy with a stool.

Whatever it was, I did not like the fact that everyone was just watching.

It felt incredibly…disconnected. Like people didn’t realize we were a bunch of human beings witnessing something unacceptable.

Suffice it to say we broke up after that trip. We still climbed together, but then it was done. Not because of this scenario, but because I felt disrespected as a woman in the relationship, under-appreciated, and under-adored. I am a Leo. I crave adoration (pssst…so should you).

That episode kindled in me a burning conviction to spend less time watching and more time doing. It reminded me that activism wasn’t only for those passionate college years.

Taking action is the way our beliefs and values manifest.

Yet how many times do we just sit there, watching?

And why should we even care about this?

We need to care – and we need to act – because it is our actions that develop our self-respect. Our ziji – inner radiant confidence. Our integrity.

We need to care because if you want to be happy – really happy, like having long deep sleeps and gazing up at the stars feeling so damn blessed that you don’t even want to sleep because life is so good – you need to be in alignment.

You absolutely need to live in alignment with you values if you want to be truly content. And while we can fool ourselves that being in alignment means believing nice things and having good values, it is our ACTIONS that really show what we believe in.

Words convey what you think. ACTIONS demonstrate what you BELIEVE. (tweet this)

We need to live in in alignment and act with integrity because crappy stuff happens in life – things will be hard sometimes and you will not like what is going on.

And in those times, it is your integrity and living in alignment that helps you feel…good about yourself. Even if not necessarily “happy.”

It helps you feel good about yourself and your connection to humanity when you are not necessarily feeling good about life at the time. And in case you’re not up to date on the Positive Psychology literature, the quality of our social connection is the single largest predictor of happiness.

So if you’re feeling in a funk or a little down on yourself, check in with what one small action can you take to bring your life a little more into alignment with you values.

This will not only help you feel less anxious and more content, but you’ll also have more self-respect and confidence. And guess what? That helps you also be more productive and successful and fun to be around. So it’s a win-win when we strive to live authentically and in alignment.

Maybe you ride your bike to work today. Or finally write that blogpost you’ve been putting off – again. Maybe you call up a friend you’ve been meaning to get in touch with. Or stop and chat with a homeless person and give them some nourishing food. Or finally bring that box in the basement filled with clothes you don’t need to the local women’s shelter.

For me, I have long been looking for a purpose to donate a portion of my income to. It was hard to settle on one, as there are so many things I can about. This led to analysis paralysis. I have finally narrowed it down to girls’ education, and will be speaking with people from four different organizations this week to determine which one(s) I’ll select.

I have been wanting to do that a long time. But wanting isn’t enough. Time to take action!

What’s the one action you are going to take to help your life be more in alignment with your values?

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Spiritual Crisis

identityshiftHave you ever had a moment when you realized you don’t know what is supposed to come next in your life, what your next purpose should be….and you felt like the weight of the world was crushing you?

If yes, you can likely relate to what I’m about to tell you. If no, please keep reading anyway as a reminder that it isn’t about what you “have” or “do” in the world that helps you feel happy or content. It’s way better than that;)

I CAN’T BREATHE

I was hanging out in the sun after some quality time with my girlfriends. It was an awesome day. I was Superfoods Cleansing with my Urban Wellness Club tribe, my body was feeling lighter, my skin brighter, and my mind clearer. My biz was cruising along and my clients were rocking their mission.

So why the hell couldn’t I breathe? Why did I feel like I had an elephant on my chest?

I don’t mean I had trouble breathing in an OMG-pot-is-legal-now-and-I’ve-taken-it-a-bit overboard kind of way.

I mean, my chest was tight with anxiety, with a sense of doom. Thoughts started flooding my mind.

…about something my husband did that pissed me off.

2 years ago.

…about doctoral programs and which one to pick and what if I made the wrong decision and should I do it at all…and why the hell did new opportunities around this decision keep popping up?

…about the trip we were going to take to Nepal…what now after the earthquake? Do we still go? If not there, where? Eastern Europe? East Asia? South America? Would Maia get cholera in Pokhara?

…about my body and how it still hasn’t totally felt like “mine” again after having my baby, and how I knew this was in large part because of the choices I was making about how I was eating, drinking, and moving.

…about what direction my biz was going to take next

Then I felt like shit and beat myself up for being so overwhelmed.

I could keep the list going. All this and more was entering my mind, one after another, without respite. Too many decisions. Not enough clarity.

And this had been going on for months. I felt like I was losing my mind.

This claustrophobic feeling overcame me between my periods of the realization that, “Holy shit my life is awesome!” I would be playing with Maia and watching her beam me this utterly EPIC smile and blow me a kiss with this postcard view of the Alaskan mountains behind her and I’d feel so amazing…and then I couldn’t breathe again.

I knew this feeling, this chapter of life. It is a chapter in life and not simply a moment because unfortunately, this transition isn’t as “transient” as I would have liked it to be. This was a bona fide Spiritual Crisis.

I have lived it twice before, and I’ll tell you about the first time.

SPIRITUAL CRISIS #1

I was 19. I had an amazing boyfriend, I was excelling at my University, I had a work-study job where I took UCSC students on climbing and backpacking trips (beats the hell out of working in the cafeteria any day), and I did homework on the freakin’ beach in Santa Cruz. My mother and I were finally friends, and my dad had not been hospitalized for a schizophrenia episode for years. I lived with a strong tribe of women and could hear the ocean waves and harbor seals barking at night while I slept. I spent long weekends rock climbing in Joshua Tree or peak bagging in the Sierra Nevada.

Finally, finally, everything in my previously chaotic life seemed right.

Yet…it was sooooo far from right.

I was desperately anxious and felt something huge – monumental – was missing, even though I “had” everything.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think straight. I’d go on epic mountain bike rides just to open my lungs and prove to myself that I could indeed breathe. I’d go so hard that I’d feel exhausted at the end, and finally be able to relax from pure physical fatigue.

I didn’t know what to do. I spoke of this with no one. I was afraid I was going insane like my dad, and wished I hadn’t taken so many hallucinogens in high school.

I walked into one of the spiritual bookstores in downtown Santa Cruz and went up and down each aisle with no aim, but with a shitload of hope that something would help me.

One book caught my eye.

It was about having a Spiritual Crisis. I can’t even remember the title. I flipped through the intro and it said something like:

Spiritual crisis (also called “spiritual emergency”) is a form of identity crisis where an individual experiences drastic changes to their meaning system (i.e., their unique purposes, goals, values, attitude and beliefs, identity, and focus) typically because of a spontaneous spiritual experience.

I took a deep breath. Holy shit, this is it, yo! I was having a Spiritual Crisis. Thank fucking gooddess. I wasn’t going insane.

My “spontaneous spiritual experience?” Having everything I thought I wanted and still not being happy. Realizing – truly realizing – that happiness wasn’t about life on the outside…and not knowing how to find it. I felt like I’d never, ever, be happy.

Holy shit that was major at 19 years old. At any age, really.

“Spiritual experiences” don’t come riding in on rainbow unicorn farts all the time.

OK. Spiritual Crisis it is. But…now what?

To spare you an even longer version of this story, I’ll cut to the chase: I somehow knew deep down that my spiritual crisis could be healed with clarity about my purpose.

And there was one ideal way for me to get there: meditation.

And I had no freakin’ idea how to do it.

I called Transcendental Meditation places but they wanted to charge me hundreds of dollars for a course. I checked out a group on campus that ended up being a cult (which I totally called them out on and found an investigative reporter in LA that had been trying to expose them for years, who then interviewed me). I called a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction teacher and they were charging almost $300 for the program. I called so many people and all were either creepy or expensive – especially for a college student.

WTF? I’M HAVING A FUCKING SPIRITUAL CRISIS HERE, PEOPLE! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO MEDITATE WITHOUT MAKING ME BROKE !!!!????

Exhale.

(And FYI – this is why I offer free stuff along with my juicy programs. EVERYONE deserves access to this stuff!)

So then I called this Buddhist center in Boulder Creek in the Santa Cruz mountains. They said a free weekly class was being taught by a nun, Robina Courtin.

I showed up at the next class.

She was a stout Australian woman with a lovely accent and very direct communication style. I liked her already. She told me how she had become a nun after coming to the U.S.A. to learn martial arts so she could go back to Australia and kick all the cops’ assess that were jerks to her and her lesbian friends. But then she met a Tibetan Buddhist monk named Lama Yeshe, who pointed out that she was very, very angry. And he suggested that perhaps this should be her focus instead.

After studying with him and noticing immeasurable benefits, she became a nun, and here she was teaching me meditation in the middle of old-growth redwood forests in the Santa Cruz mountains. She missed the city, she told me. But she would go where her teacher wanted her to. We meditated on sex. And chocolate cake. And our attachment to them.

I was hooked.

I ended up living in a gypsy wagon at this retreat center the rest of my time in college – a funky little wooden cabin with an outdoor shower perched on the bed of a converted Ford F100 that was up on blocks in the middle of a redwood forest. One day I’ll dig out the photo and show you guys. It was boho awesome.

I meditated regularly. I took revered Tibetan monks visiting the center on trips to see the coast and on rollercoaster rides at the Boardwalk. I brought them their meals and even made them oatmeal in the mornings. (I thank the living stars everyday that I understood how lucky I was sharing all those moments with great teachers). I took care of the meditation gompa and swept all the floors and watered all the plants and dusted the beautiful statues. I loved every minute of it.

Then I went to Nepal, did a month-long meditation retreat at a monastery, and almost became a nun. The “almost” part is another story.

Then I hiked into the Annapurna mountains alone for another month, and did some serious thinking.

And I came out…clear. Finally. Ahhhhhh.

It was the biggest relief of my life at that point.

But the point of this story is to share what am I going to do to take care of the Spiritual Crisis I am in right now.

MY TOOLS FOR A SPIRITUAL CRISIS

I heave learned in my 41 years on this zany planet that the two things in my life that have been constant compasses, serving to help guide me in times of duress, are a regular meditation practice and solitude in the wilderness. When I veer from either of those two things for too long, bad shit happens because I tend to then fall out of alignment and I get crazy monkey mind. Yoga pulls in at a close third.

When I look back on my life, I think, “Wow, in those days at the retreat center I was so easily compassionate and patient towards others. I was fearless about doing whatever was right. I knew what was important. My next steps were clear, even if my greater life plan was not. I felt so calm and centered and…content.”

This wasn’t because of the worry-free college years.

It was because of my regular and dedicated spiritual practice, and my regular visits with myself in the wild.

I know this because I went through this again much later in life, when I had many more responsibilities, and the same practices helped me through it.

And now, here I am. Again.

Here I am with what seems to be everything I have ever wanted. Yet I have no idea what’s next, and instead of invigorating me, it is causing me to feel utterly crushed.

Shall I be content simply with what is (which is actually awesome!)?

Shall I strive for something greater?

Shall I go in a completely different direction?

WTF does this feeling even mean for me right now?

What I DO know is that this kind of suffering often arises when our minds are unsettled and unfocused and chaotic. When I have a regular meditation practice, these thoughts are much less likely to overwhelm me. I am more content with what is, and can intentionally drive my focus.

IDENTITY + PURPOSE

If you check out the description of the Spiritual Crisis above, you’ll see that it often occurs with shifts in identity, purpose or focus (among other things). This is where I am at.

New motherhood.
New state (I’ve finally hung out long enough in Alaska to feel like I actually live here).
New identity.
New purpose…but what is it?

In discussions with my clients and friends, I often see that people think identity is a static, fixed thing. They feel this way about purpose as well. Often we can fantasize that once we figure out our purpose, we’ll be set for life!

But here’s the thing: purpose is inextricably linked with your identity.

And your identity will shift over time. If I had aimed for the same identity and purpose I had in my 20s, I’d likely be living out of my car and eating leftovers from Outward Bound courses, telling my mom I couldn’t afford to help her with her medical bills because I wasn’t making enough money, but that I loved her oodles. I wouldn’t have Maia and I wouldn’t be with my soulmate. Nothing is necessarily wrong with the above, but it would have felt out of alignment sooner than later.

If you plan to evolve in this life, you must allow your identity – and purpose – to shift.

And it ain’t easy, sistah! That’s for sure.

But it is absolutely necessary to go through this process, through the Hero/Heroine’s Journey, if you will.

You come out the other side with more clarity and purpose than a Library of Congress filled with self-help books could ever offer you.

MY VOWS

So what is my plan?

Going back to what works: Meditation + Wilderness. And let me toss in Integrity + Alignment too.

Meditation. I know that when I have a regular meditation practice, I am more calm and clear and can see what is truly important. This always leads to less anxiety and white noise in my head. And shuts up my inner critic as well.

Wilderness. I have already planned out 4 solo trips into the wild over the next year, during which I will go on vision quests and soul crafting journeys to open up more deeply to what is next for me. I’m going to embrace the Heroine’s Journey that I know shows up when a transition like this manifests in life. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. In other words, it’s an Adventure.

Here’s a simple graphic to give you a peep of what that’s like:

Heros-Journey(from https://engl200x.community.uaf.edu/files/2012/04/Heros-Journey.png)

This, my Freedom Junkie friends, means I also get to find out what juicy next step is in store to bring to you too! I have a good idea of what it is…but want to be have more Ziji (radiant inner confidence) about it before telling you.

To be clear, you don’t have to go on a vision fast to gain Clarity. You can go on the Heroine’s Journey in so many different ways. I help plenty of clients get clear without having to send them into the wilderness alone without food for several days. They arrive to me at some point along this Journey, and we dive into it together.

I just know that for me, at pivotal transitions where nothing else seems to be helping or able to get me to the depth of clarity I need, the vision fast and accompanying Heroine’s Journey is my preferred method. This is my path when I need more clarity related to a total shift in identity and purpose – beyond clarity about my next career or the next place I want to live etc. The clarity I have after such an experience is backed with unshakeable confidence in the next step.

I haven’t had to do this in a long time…and you can see that it is not an easy or quick process. Note that I said I’ve made some plans “over the next year.” Not the next week. But I know from experience that it is well worth it!

Integrity + Alignment. This is where the vows come in. When you are in integrity, you are more calm and centered. We can all believe we are in integrity, but without committing to a clear description about what that is, we can cheat a little here and there, or fool ourselves into thinking we are in alignment when in fact, we’ve got a little kink going on.

In certain traditions, on auspicious days of the calendar like the new moon or full moon, it is said that when you commit to certain precepts/vows for that time-frame, you benefit exponentially. You also aren’t supposed to just pick all the vows so that your odds of good karma credit go up. On the contrary, if you take a vow and break it, that’s worse than not taking it at all.

I have found that this wisdom of choosing what you can truly commit to 100% – knowing yourself well enough to know what you’re ready for, and what you’re not ready for – is so brilliant. It acknowledges that you are human and that you are in absolute choice about how you live. Vows or precepts in this sense aren’t rules you have to follow – they are recommendations that, when followed, tend to lead to a calmer mind and a happier life. If you find otherwise, so be it.

But why reinvent the wheel, right? If these things have been found to be helpful for millennia, then they are probably a good idea. So I’ll be taking a few of these vows for at least 1 month, starting June 1st.

Goddess knows I need a calmer mind right now.

Three of them that I’ll share here are:

1) No intoxicants. Pretty straightforward. I need all my brain cells and emotional calm and a warrior’s energy to figure this one out.
2) No stealing. This also means not “borrowing” pens from the clinic, and it means I point out when I get too much change back from the megacorporation I didn’t even want to buy from in the first place … and not buying from the megacorporation in the first place ;).
3) No sexual misconduct (so grateful I am with my soul-mate and that this comes so easily)

In addition to the myriad other vows, I am committing to a daily meditation practice, and not just doing it “most of the time.” Cuz most of the time becomes “when it’s convenient.” And we shouldn’t just be tending to our minds when it is convenient. It’s kind of like having a baby – there’s never a convenient time. Especially to do The Work.

Whew.

So that’s my really long post about my really long plan for dealing with this current Spiritual Crisis. I am thrilled I didn’t collapse and think I had to figure this all out by the end of the week. I am grateful that I know this path and have walked it before, and that it will be well worth the patience and trials that come ahead.

And I am beyond excited about this new little big thing I’ve been conjuring… just for you. But like all incredibly epic things, it will have to wait until it’s good and ready.

Share with me if you’ve been on a Heroine’s Journey and what you gleaned from it. Or tell me about something you think a Heroine’s Journey would help with! Are you on the Journey right now? At what stage? I know I’m not alone out there, because if you’re reading this, you too are making this wild and precious life – and how you live it – a top priority.

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

The Heroine’s Journey

This is a little tidbit on the steps of the Hero/Heroine’s Journey for those of you that have heard me refer to it. I didn’t want to bore the others who don’t geek out on this stuff;)

Joseph Campbell studied mythology and made the claim that nearly all myths have similar ideas or archetypes – no matter the culture they come from. The Hero/Heroine’s Journey is represented in all cultures. My fave examples are Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, but you can also see it in stories like The Odyssey. The different stages that make up this myth are referred to as the “hero’s journey.” Since I’m a woman, I call it the Heroine’s Journey.

I have already planned out 4 solo trips to the wild over the next year, during which I will go on vision quests and soul crafting journeys to open up more deeply to what is next for me. I am creating the causes and conditions to embark on these steps of the Heroine’s Journey:

Heros-Journey(image from: https://engl200x.community.uaf.edu/files/2012/04/Heros-Journey.png)

1.    Ordinary World: This step refers to the heroine’s normal life at the start of the story, before the adventure begins. That’s life before I had my spiritual crisis.
2.    Call to Adventure: The heroine is faced with something that makes her begin her adventure. This might be a problem or a challenge she needs to overcome. For me, this is my identity shift, and thus purpose shift.
3.    Refusal of the Call: The heroine attempts to refuse the adventure because she is afraid. You bet your ass I stalled this for a few months.
4.    Meeting with the Mentor: The heroine encounters someone who can give her advice and ready her for the journey ahead. This is a secret…for now.
5.    Crossing the First Threshold: The heroine leaves her ordinary world for the first time and crosses the threshold into adventure. This will be my first vision fast in the Fall.

The following steps also can occur on the vision fast:

6.    Tests, Allies, Enemies: The heroine learns the rules of her new world. During this time, she endures tests of strength of will, meets friends, and comes face to face with foes. Visioning, baby. I’m a little nervous about this part.
7.    Approach: Setbacks occur, sometimes causing the heroine to try a new approach or adopt new ideas.
8.    Ordeal: The heroine experiences a major hurdle or obstacle, such as a life or death crisis.
9.    Reward: After surviving death, the heroine earns her reward or accomplishes her goal.

Clarity. Ahhhh.

10.    The Road Back: The heroine begins her journey back to her ordinary life.
11.    Resurrection Hero – The heroine faces a final test where everything is at stake and she must use everything she has learned. (TBA)
12.    Return with Elixir:  The heroine brings her knowledge or the “elixir” back to the ordinary world, where she applies it to help all who remain there.

This, my Freedom Junkie friends, means I also get to find out what juicy next step is in store to offer you too! I have a good idea of what it is…but want to be have more Ziji (radiant inner confidence) about it before telling you.

Interestingly, Maureen Murdock suggests her version of the Heroine’s Journey with the following stages:

STAGES

  1. SEPARATION FROM THE FEMININE
  2. IDENTIFICATION WITH THE MASCULINE & GATHERING OF ALLIES
  3. ROAD OF TRIALS, MEETING OGRES & DRAGONS
  4. FINDING THE BOON OF SUCCESS
  5. AWAKENING TO FEELINGS OF SPIRITUAL ARIDITY: DEATH
  6. INITIATION & DESCENT TO THE GODDESS
  7. URGENT YEARNING TO RECONNECT WITH THE FEMININE
  8. HEALING THE MOTHER/DAUGHTER SPLIT
  9. HEALING THE WOUNDED MASCULINE
  10. INTEGRATION OF MASCULINE & FEMININE

I can relate to some of these but don’t know much about the details and how Murdock arrived at this. But I thought it was worth pointing out.

To be clear, you don’t have to go on a vision fast to gain Clarity. You can go on the Heroine’s Journey in so many different ways. I help plenty of clients get clear without having to send them into the wilderness alone without food for several days. They arrive to me at some point along this Journey, and we dive into it together.

I just know that for me, at pivotal transitions where nothing else seems to be helping or able to get me to the depth of clarity I need, the vision fast and accompanying Heroine’s Journey is my preferred method. This is my path when I need more clarity related to a total shift in identity and purpose – beyond clarity about my next career or the next place I want to live etc. The clarity I have after such an experience is backed with unshakeable confidence in the next step. Zji, baby.

Note: Ziji is a tibetan word meaning “radiant inner confidence.” I use it a lot in my confidence programs, and it’s like a secret handshake in my tribe;)

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Do you have a happy life or a meaningful life? And why you should even care

youdefineyourfreedomJust last month, I was coaching one of my Adventure Mastermind clients in a Hot Seat during our Mexico retreat. One of the things that came up was a struggle between wanting to fully enjoy an amazing life of travel and adventures and fun…and also wanting to feel a deeper sense of usefulness or contribution. Would it be OK to “just” live an amazingly joyful life? Would that be enough? Would she be enough? Or is true happiness requiring us to also contribute to others/society? Or is being happy enough of a contribution to this world? She had manifested a pretty amazing life for herself, yet something seemed like it was still missing.

(BTW, this is a most excellent topic of discussion, and one I highly recommend to have at your next dinner party)

I won’t go into the details of that session, and to be honest, I don’t even want to imply that what follows has anything to do with it…but I will say that the session sparked me to reflect on a hot topic of debate in the field of positive psychology. This debate lies around the concept that a happy life could possibly be different than a meaningful life, and that you could feasibly have one without the other. Others disagree and say that to remove meaningfulness from happiness screws the whole thing up since they are inextricably intertwined.

This pushes all kinds of buttons with people – “But how can you be happy doing something that isn’t meaningful?” “Isn’t being happy meaningful in and of itself?” “So are you saying that I can’t be truly happy unless I volunteer and hand out clothes to homeless people?” “Why would you want to live a happy life that wasn’t meaningful?”

Do you have a happy life or a meaningful life?

Why is all this even important?

Well, mental masturbation is always fun for people like me, and I love pondering these things.

But a more important reason is that we are all starting to become aware of the benefits of happiness – you live longer, are healthier, more successful and creative, you earn more money…the benefits go on and on! So, we need to get really clear about what exactly happiness is so we don’t get led down the wrong path, wasting precious time, money, and energy on the wrong things – at least if happiness and its bennies is what you’re aiming for.

Let’s get real – we all only have a limited amount of time, so given say, one hour to help your life be extraordinary, it would be good to know exactly what would best do that. Should you go do something “meaningful” like volunteer at a soup kitchen, play with your kids, or bring a sick friend some food? Or get a “happy” fix and take a sauna, hang out with friends at the tasting room, watch a funny movie, or read a book on a beach in Bali … or maybe even a little of both?!

There’s a provocative study by Dr. Roy Baumeister and his buddies that suggests “meaning” (separate from happiness) is not connected with whether one is healthy, has enough money, or feels comfortable in life.

(Well isn’t that interesting!?)

The flip side is that “happiness” (separate from meaning) absolutely is connected to those things.

So what exactly does this mean for us folks trying to live a happy and meaningful life?

In the study I mentioned above, the researchers identified five major differences between a happy life and a meaningful one (note: the italicized excerpts are from the article on the Greater Good Science Center’s website).

  • Happy people satisfy their wants and needs, but that seems largely irrelevant to a meaningful life. Therefore, health, wealth, and ease in life were all related to happiness, but not meaning.
To me, this explains how a total asshole can appear relatively happy and believe that he truly is happy himself.
  • Happiness involves being focused on the present, whereas meaningfulness involves thinking more about the past, present, and future—and the relationship between them. In addition, happiness was seen as fleeting, while meaningfulness seemed to last longer.

This could be why the aforementioned asshole isn’t necessarily happy for very long.

  • Meaningfulness is derived from giving to other people; happiness comes from what they give to you. Although social connections were linked to both happiness and meaning, happiness was connected more to the benefits one receives from social relationships, especially friendships, while meaningfulness was related to what one gives to others—for example, taking care of children. Along these lines, self-described “takers” were happier than self-described “givers,” and spending time with friends was linked to happiness more than meaning, whereas spending more time with loved ones was linked to meaning but not happiness.

Well ain’t that the shizzle?! So being walked all over and giving without receiving doesn’t lead to happiness! We all knew that though, right?

  • Meaningful lives involve stress and challenges. Higher levels of worry, stress, and anxiety were linked to higher meaningfulness but lower happiness, which suggests that engaging in challenging or difficult situations that are beyond oneself or one’s pleasures promotes meaningfulness but not happiness.

To me, this doesn’t meant that we need to avoid challenging situations that expand our comfort zones. Rather, this means that we also need to engage in practices that boost our happiness – and it’s associated benefits. I am sure we all know at least one person – and perhaps that person is ourselves – that is constantly doing things for others and putting themselves into hardship for the sake of other people. This needs to be balanced with happiness-provoking activities! At least if you want to live longer, be healthier, have success and whatnot.

  • Self-expression is important to meaning but not happiness. Doing things to express oneself and caring about personal and cultural identity were linked to a meaningful life but not a happy one. For example, considering oneself to be wise or creative was associated with meaning but not happiness.

When your identity is how you create meaning in your life, usually there’s a few – ahem – issues that come up. Like suffering. Especially whenever someone has a different identity from yours and challenges that your identity isn’t the right one. Which would happen, like, every day because we’re all different…unless of course you lived on a freaky commune and drank the Kool-Aid.

OK, so i get where this Baumeister guy is getting at. But something doesn’t sit right with me yet…like, I want to know what are the benefits of leading a meaningful life? What bennies come to those who lead meaningful, yet not necessarily happy, lives?

And I’m also wary of this whole ability to separate our meaningfulness from happiness. I’m a huge fan of the Dalai Lama’s quote:

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

Some suggest what Baumeister was studying was more “hedonistic pleasure” than happiness. This is the case for people who believe meaningfulness is an integral part of true happiness, such as Dr. Lyubomirsky from UC Riverside. She feels that researchers who try to separate meaning and happiness may be on the wrong track: “When you feel happy, and you take out the meaning part of happiness, it’s not really happiness.” And there are even more studies coming out that meaningful happiness has more benefits that purely hedonistic types of happiness.

I’m leaning towards Lyubormisky and the proponents of meaningful happiness on this one.

So what’s a Freedom Junkie to do?

After reading a bunch of articles on this topic, I feel this way (today, at least): I say live a happy life, and make sure you have activities that are meaningful to you as well. That way, in true Freedom Junkie form, you get to have your cake and eat it too. Yeah, I know…seems like a cop out. But I really believe you can’t just do one or the other!

This means that not everything you do needs to have deep meaning, but that you also have something in your life that you associate with deep meaning – as defined by YOU. This is why for some parents, caring for kids seems like a pain in the ass and a duty, while for others it is an act of service and connection. Same action, different meaning, different happiness results.

There’s a reason why, as a coach, I help people discover the real meaning behind their goals, the big “Why” behind their actions, their true soul-motive for things. I have found that when people don’t understand the meaningfulness behind their goals or actions, they flake. They procrastinate. They get distracted. They come up with excuses. They change their mind. A lot.

Personally, I truly believe that you can’t be genuinely happy (the sustainable, puts-lines-in-your-face-from-smiling-too-much kind of happiness), without meaning in your life. The thing is, what that meaning is is totally up to you.

You – and only you – define your freedom. You – and only you – define the meaning behind all your actions. (tweet it, yo!)

So, if you find meaning in living an outrageously epic life of freedom and adventure because you know it inspires others, then go the hell out and do just that! But if you don’t believe in that meaning, then you won’t truly be happy, no matter how many days you spend on the road traveling the world and going skydiving. You will need to find another meaning to support your actions if you want true happiness.

The point is that is isn’t what you’re doing per se that’s important, but rather the meaning behind it. What’s your big WHY? And if you can add into the mix the activities we learn about that add to happiness (gratitude, hanging with friends, savoring, etc), do those too so that you can live longer and be healthier and vital and rock your mission while you’re at it!

Are you struggling with living a meaningful life right now? Share with me below – I read every comment and respond to each one! Here are some additional resources as well:

Here’s a great video by Simon Sinek and his popular Ted Talk on “The Big Why

Here’s Baumeister’s article I mentioned about about a happy vs meaningful life

Here’s a great article on two kinds of happiness – it supports the idea that a happiness based in meaning has more benefits than a purely hedonistic happiness

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

Confessions of a Health Coach – Why Do I Like Fast Food

fastfoodnationI was on a road trip…starving. Nothing for miles. LOTS of miles. The first thing that popped into my head was, “Please let there be a Taco Bell or Burger King somewhere soon…”

For realz.

After 20 miles (I know, right?! STARVING!), I finally saw a sign – a literal sign – that said “Burger King 4 miles”

Hallelujah!

I put my hair in a baseball cap. Donned my glam sunglasses. I was incognito.

I looked left and right.

Is anybody watching me?

Certainly people would know it was me with my signature MIDWYF license plate on the Subaru. What would people think if they saw me eating at Burger King? No one would ever sign up for my Urban Wellness Club or do a cleanse with me. There would be articles about my being a fraud and a hypocrite.

Awww fuck it, I’m way too hungry.

And I know that I am actually not that important…so the likelihood that the paparazzi was spying on me were very, very low.

OK…I admit to some embellishment. I didn’t actually put up my hair and don sunglasses…but I sure felt like it. I mean, I talk with clients and patients for hours about eating real food!

But this is real life.

I pulled up to the ordering-speaker-pole-thing, not bothering to check out the new offerings of french fry burgers or whatever else the industry bothers to develop. I ordered my standard fare for emergent fast-food stops: a double Whopper with cheese, small fries, and a water, no ice.

I then did the classic American thing and after going through the drive-through, I pulled over and parked so I could eat…or in this case, scarf. I pulled off the top part of the bun (I figure that at least helps a little bit, lol) and chomped down. Once done with that, I hit the road fishing for fries in the bag along the way.

It always surprises me how delighted I am to find the extra fry at the bottom of the bag just when I thought I finished them all 😉

Now, while I will pick Burger King over McDonald’s any day, I admit there is a toss-up between BK and Taco Bell, which allows me to avoid the horrific fast-food meat and order something somewhat tasty with just beans and cheese in it (I never order the hot sauce anymore…it’s probably still in my system from my teenage years with all the chemicals in it).

I knew I was not in the land of In-N-Out Burger, which is hands-down my preferred fast food road trip stop. I would have been wishing for one of those if I had been.

In-N-Out is only found in five states: California, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, and Texas…all states I frequented for rock climbing road trips except for Texas. This is because fresh ingredients are part of it’s “thing.” They use no microwaves, heat lamps, or freezers(!!!). The meat, which are house-ground patties of regionally sourced chuck – are grilled, the lettuce is uber crunchy, the tomatoes are (shock!) juicy and sweet, and the gluteny buns are toasted with a nice crisp on the edges, and pretty epic for a fast-food bun. Plus, they have grilled onions and a secret menu, which makes me feel very cool when my ass is numb from driving for 9 hours.

If you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll take it from Eric Schlosser, author of the infamous book Fast Food Nation, who said this about In-N-Out: “It isn’t health food, but it’s food with integrity…It’s the real deal.”

I would have definitely preferred an In-N-Out cheeseburger, animal style.

But enough of this fast food review. The reason I am telling you this story is this:

I have found that my long road trips have become a secret way for me to eat crap and kind of enjoy it.

What’s up with that?

I know I could pack snacks and prepare for the road trip. To be honest, this is what I do most of the time. But…I admit that when I don’t, or when we’ve eaten it all and need to stop for more food, I am secretly (well, not-so-secretly after this blog post;) excited.

Why do I like fast food?

I think it’s because when I was growing up, fast food was a reward. Once a week my dad would take me to Taco Bell and I’d order a Burrito Supreme and absolutely savor the yumminess of peeling back the foil wrapper and biting into soft tortilla with special sauce and sour cream…we hardly ever ate those ingredients in our Filipino household (BTW the Philippines is the only country where their own fast food restaurant – Jollibees, which has things like spaghetti with vienna sausage – beats out McDonald’s).

Every now and then my mom would drop off Burger King or McDonald’s as a treat for my lunch – I could smell the fries in the hallway where parents would leave bags of food on a designated table for kids to grab at lunchtime. I felt so special! I had holes in my shoes, but dammit, every now and then I’d at least get some fast food for lunch!

Fast food became not about the food, but about the way I’d feel rewarded…for being a good student, a good daughter, a good whatever.

It was about me feeling good about me.

I try to remember this whenever I feel like giving in and not eating my kale chips and hummus dip on the road, and it usually keeps me from pulling over for a quickie at In-N-Out or BK.

It’s also really easy for me to make healthier choices after I’ve done a cleanse, which is why I do them regularly. Fast food actually sounds sickening to me most of the time because of those regular cleanses (and my all-to-detailed knowledge of what it does to our bodies). So I try to do them at least 3 times a year. In fact, one of the reason I started offering them to y’all was because I wanted accountability to do them all the time!

Still, when I’m tired after driving a long distance, or if I was too rushed to prepare my road food, I do give in at times.

I’ve found that is it key to remember it isn’t the occasional pit stop that will make you unhealthy – it’s the choices we make every day that determine our health…and happiness.

It’s also important to remember why the food can have such positive emotional connotations: the food-addictive ingredients, the childhood memories – whatever it is for you.

The worse thing would be to beat yourself up about it and eat it. Studies have shown that people who believe food will have a bad effect on them actually have worse symptoms afterwards than those who don’t – a type of nocebo effect.
IN_pyramid_1109_smallI’m sharing this story with you because it is really really hard to make healthy choices every day. I get it.
It’s especially hard when we are feeling bad about ourselves, or feeling tired, lonely, stressed, or unloved.
The last thing that needs to happen when you feel bad already is to start beating yourself up about a poor choice.
Instead, see it for what it is: a poor choice. You are not a bad person. You simply made a bad choice. And sometimes, that choice didn’t even have that many options!
So let’s you and me grab that In-N-Out when we have to, and for the rest of the time, let’s cultivate our primary foods – those things that nourish us without having to eat them: healthy + fulfilling relationships, regular physical activity that’s fun, a fulfilling career, and a spiritual practice.
Prioritizing these things in your life will help your body make that fast food you eat on the rare occasion have only a transient impact, sans guilt.
Please share with me below about your experiences with fast food – was it a reward for you as a kid? If you find it a guilty pleasure, what do you think is at the root of that for you? What are YOUR fave fast food splurges? No shame here…only real life giggles!

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

10 Things You Should Do First if You Are Starting Your Business

This time of year can be for a lot of us entrepreneurs – especially those of us in the personal growth/wellness fields. This is the busy time, as most people want to take a break from working on their inner awesomeness during summer;)

But for us, this is CRUNCH TIME! This is when we launch and crank out blog posts and try to time our launches and best goodies to not compete with the Big Mamas on the scene (like Marie Forleo launching B-School, which totally takes over the internet – and people’s inboxes;)

People starting a biz always ask me where to begin, so I wanted to share with you the top 10 things I think need to happen to get the ball rolling – and you can see where you’re at! This especially applies to beginners, but if you’ve been in business awhile, you may want to make sure you’ve got them covered still (especially #10!!!)

Make sure you are rocking these 10 things in your business (check them off when done!):

___ 1. have a wordpress website that is hosted with someone like Bluehost.com (google it if you have no idea what I am talking about!)

___ 2. the following step is particularly true if you are a multipassionate that works directly with clients: buy your name as a URL and have that be the domain your website is hosted on. You can forward your business name URL to that website if you prefer. And then you don’t have to move your whole website when you move on to the next business!

___ 3. start an email marketing account at Mailchimp.com or Aweber.com

___ 4. start building your list and collecting emails and adding them to the list you created above

___ 5. you will best to #4 if you have an amazing gift to offer your peeps – create something beautiful or divine or super informative or uber-valuable for them to celebrate them giving you their precious email address!

___ 6. make sure a way to sign up for the aforementioned amazing gift is on every page of your website

___ 7. create awesome content AT LEAST once a month to help your website get traffic (the search engines prefer websites with fresh info)

___ 8. create at least 2 ways (ideally 3) for people to work with you (this isn’t a MUST, but it usually helps if people can get a taste of you with a “date” before “hopping into bed” with you. Have an intro program and your more in-depth access to you. Or more! Or not…but like I said, this tends to work, especially when you first start. The entry level can be “free” by the way!

___ 9. get business cards with your name, website, and email address (at a minimum) so that people can find you when they think of you again, and how you rocked their world in the short encounter they had with you. Do not hand out free ones that say Vistaprint on the back. Tacky.

___ 10. Last, but certainly NOT least: Remember that you are NOT your biz. No matter what is going on with your biz, you are SO MUCH MORE. If you are crushing it, know that you are still even more than that. If you are struggling for even one client, know that the challenge does not define you. Being an entrepreneur is a spiritual path.

There is so much more, like getting really, really clear on who you want to serve…but I find that doesn’t always come right away, and we can get stuck in analysis paralysis in the meantime while we try to figure that out!

In any event, I hope that short starter list helps a wee bit. Share with me your progress in these things by commenting below – I read every single one!

And if you haven’t heard yet, I wanted to remind you of a few awesome things that are going away – way too soon!

First: Please know that while I totally believe in Marie and B-School, you don’t need it to be successful. While it is worth $2000 – easily – you don’t have to spend that to create the biz and life of your dreams. There’s “The Google” (as Marie calls it) where you can learn so much about how to do things on your own, as well as amazing YouTube trainings and great free offerings and summits out there to soak it all up. But if you want to rock it with Marie and me, check out my review here

OK, now the reminders…

BSchoolScholarships1. the free B-School training videos that Marie Forleo put up are going away on March 4th. So if you’d like to watch those videos and get those free lessons — now is the time because they won’t be available much longer!

2.  Muy importante: B-School 2015 is closing down Wednesday, March 4th at 3pm EST.  (that’s in the morning at 11am for my west-coast peeps!). Since B-School is only done once per year, now is the time to register if you know it’s the right fit. PLUS, if you register through me you get the awesome Clarity + Courage Immersion ($1500 value with just that bonus alone), plus support throughout B-School, and other fun surprises.

To sign up for the free training videos, click here

To register for B-School and receive almost $2000 in bonuses, be sure to use my link and click here

If you want to watch the training videos first to decide, that’s totally fine! But if you want my juicy bonus you’ll have to register with my link here, or go to my review page at www.AnaVerzone.com/best-b-school-bouns

To Your Freedom,

Ana

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

We’re talking G for G’Damn That’s Good! A ditty on Guilt and Shame

IMG_8576

Are you feeling guilty yet? You know, about the New Year’s resolution that doesn’t seem to stick, or the way you’re not keeping on track with feeling your best in the past year?

Did you swear you’d do things differently the next time you got in an argument with your partner, but you ended up getting defensive anyway, and letting the volume of your voice creep up to a wee bit higher than 11?

Did you make plans to totally thrive this year but you’re just barely surviving – again?

Or are you feeling shame?

What’s the difference????

Well, I used to wonder the same thing until I dove deep into Brene Brown’s work. I used to think guilt was a useless emotion…until I realized I was confusing it with shame. You see, that “G” word can have a few positive twists to it.

Sometimes guilt can be helpful because it catapults us into action. Guilt helps us know something is out of alignment and we need to do something about it. In guilt, we know we did something bad, and we feel it in our bodies. At our best, we can interpret guilt as a sign to do things differently next time.

Shame, on the other hand, is where we feel we are a bad person for doing what we did (or thinking the thought we did or feeling the way we did).

You see, guilt is about the action, and shame is about using the action to define who we are.
 
I remember when I totally blew up at my partner and I was so embarrassed about how I showed up. I felt like I was 16 again…like all the work I had done just vanished and I was left with my hormoned-out reptilian brain.

I said to my friend, “I am so ashamed about what I did.” She said, “You did something you see as ‘bad’…but you’re not a bad person.”

What a freakin’ breath of fresh air! That was exactly what I needed to hear.

So, if you’re feeling shame, know that there is a different way to look at it. What happened may have been “bad,” but YOU are not a bad/jealous/stingy/angry/aggressive/bitchy person.

You are not your actions.

Yet what do our actions represent? They usually represent a story that we are believing that affects how we interpret situations. Like how when my husband criticizes me and I interpret that as his about to abandon me. So I scream like a banshee (or at least I used to…it is getting better!). When I change my interpretation, my actions change.

Capiche?
 
If you are feeling shame, it’s best to remember you are not your actions – and that you can shift your actions by shifting the meaning you are applying to situations.

On the other hand, if you’re feeling guilty about staying on track with your wellness goals or your other self-improvement dreams, here are some ways you can turn the Guilt into Good:

* recognize guilt won’t get you anywhere. Instead focus on what makes you feel good! Like feeling sexy and having awesome passionate nights with your lover. Make that you big WHY for going to the gym. Like eating Haagen Daaz ice cream (I do!). Make THAT you big WHY for eating a super healthy lunch and dinner. LOVE your silk red dress? Make THAT your big why for shaping those sexy arms of yours!

* know most of us can’t do this alone…we need a tribe! Reach out to your sisters and community for support. I often find my friends help give me great perspective (be sure you pick the right friends to surround you with too!). This is a big reason I created my Urban Wellness Club and Adventure Mastermind – where a tribe of like-minded women hang together for a year.

* allow yourself “cheater days,” days where you do anything you want. In fact, don’t even make it a cheater day unless it’s sexier for you that way. Rather, use the 80/20 rule: look at is like you do what serves your body best 80% or the time, and the other 20%  is for your hedonistic side and you get to do WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. Yowza! That way you don’t feel deprived – or guilty! I love this rule. Personally I pick a weekend day to go all out each week.

* don’t beat yourself up about falling off the wagon – instead, dust yourself off, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, and get back on. Every. Damn. Time. I’m pretty dusty. But my hair looks awesome that way. And so do my Fiorentini + Baker boots. Oh SNAP!

* come up with a plan to do things differently next time. Visualize it, and feel yourself doing it differently. Really conjure up that scene in your mind in detail, and feel you rocking that new way of being to the core. You’ll be way more likely to pull it off!

* show integrity with yourself and follow through with smaller steps – if you tell yourself you are going to do something but then don’t do it, you will naturally start to beat yourself up. Set yourself up for success, and take things in bite-sized chunks that you can easily do. Your smaller accomplishments will add up!

* if you want a guilt-free way to enjoy this New Year, seriously check out Freedom School. It really is an awesome tribe of women who focus on positive change and not beating ourselves up. They give each other support, celebrate successes, bounce ideas off one another and manifest cool shizzle throughout the whole year (ask any of them – they love it!).

We focus on wellness, but not just your body. We jam on confidence, mindset, and jedi mind tricks too;) Come on over and join us!

I hope this helps with your Guilt and Shame gremlins – life’s too short to stress about those;)