“Try not. Do or Do Not. There is No Try” Yoda

Dean Potter on a slackline in Yosemite. Trying, or doing? (photo from Prana blog)

I was just climbing in Yosemite. The towering granite always manages to make me–and my problems–feel oh so small. I love it! This story is not new to any climber, but I just have to share about why I am tingling from my days in the mountains. I was lie-backing a crack on a new route my friend Bob Steed had just put up (How lucky was I?! A second ascent in Yosemite! And Go Bob!). It was a very physical climb, and my muscles were getting totally pumped out–I felt I had nothing left. The lactic acid building up burned, and I felt I had little control over my arms and hands. “Watch me, Bob! I think I’m going to pump out!” (aka FALL!). I then realized that I had a choice–either pop off thinking I had nothing left, or keep going until my body decided on its own that it had nothing left. The first would be giving up based on an assumption. The latter would be having given it my best. The consequence of both would be a fall. A consequence of the first would be that I would have not known if I indeed had nothing left. A consequence of the latter would be that I would have learned my true limits.

This is one of the reasons I love to climb. You get put into these situations that are so real, and your choices are so clear. In a split second you decide. And I decided to keep going and to let my body tell me what it knew.

I was shocked as I progressed further and further up the crack, actually amazed that I hadn’t fallen yet. “Nice!” Bob said as I then moved beyond the roof and onto the next vertical portion of the crack.” Shocked again that I was still moving up, I just put one hand in front of the other, panting like I hadn’t in a LONG time, trying to place my feet deliberately despite my fatigue and sweat. I was in awe as high-speed swifts would dive into the narrow crack above me and then shoot out at amazing speeds with a loud swish…I’d have to contemplate that one later…How DO they do that into and out of such a small crack? Next thing I knew I saw the anchors, and I was standing at the belay! Once again, shocked. And so freakin’ happy!!!! The view was spectacular, with the skyline of The Rostrum shooting up in the distance, the clearest blue sky, relaxing safely above the mosquitoes, the pumping Merced River at high flow below–the deep green of its flatwater blending in with the trees, the white foam of its rapids standing out in a deep contrasting line. I took long, deep breaths and inhaled the familiar Yosemite air.

I was so glad I didn’t just give up and let go. I was so glad I didn’t just assume I had nothing left. How often we convince ourselves we can’t take any more in all aspects of our lives. We are CONVINCED of it–we think we KNOW we are DONE. Yet climbing has taught me time and time again the tricks that the mind can play to keep us seemingly “safe.” But in reality, these mind trips of our self-imposed limits keep us small in the most stifling way.

This, of course, means I need to climb something harder next. To know my limits and to know–really know–what I’m made of. Ironically, I will only know that when I fall. So, in the end, I guess if I want to grow, I set out to fall (even though I’d never admit that at the base of the climb!). Then I set out to learn more and more so I can push past that limit, and the next, and the next. After all, that limit is only temporary. It tells me where I need to focus my energies to grow, and improve. Each time we do that for ourselves–when we stop thinking we’ll “”just try” and instead we DO and go for it–we offer ourselves the opportunity for growth. Sometimes we fall and sometimes we don’t–but when it is a surprise, that is very tingly nonetheless!

So, this weekend, take a leap of sorts, and go for it. Don’t just “try.” Go for it! You can even be afraid of falling–just don’t let go assuming you’ll fall. Wondering “what if” is way less fun. Surprise yourself! And watch out for that sneaky little mind of yours that tries to convince you that you are anything less than the great being you ARE.

Complaining: Do you find yourself complaining a lot these days, or know someone who does? Enter: CHOICE

 

Students on an Alaskan Outward Bound mountaineering course: the ultimate breeding ground for complaining...and learning not to.

“Who you are, what you are, and where your life is going are all choices”~Joseph Luciani

It can often be easy to fall into the mindset that life happens to us, and when we experience life from this point of view, we often fall into the pattern of complaining when things aren’t how we’d like them to be.  “I hate how I am always so tired” “The house is so messy” “My boss is a jerk” “I hate that my boyfriend is always late” “I am so out of shape” “It is so annoying how so-and-so always complains” (that one is particularly ironic!). All these statements, while perhaps speaking complete or partial truths, send out an energy of helplessness when we just use them to complain. Enter: CHOICE. We can actually choose to do something about most of these things, and at a minimum choose how we respond to it. They need not suck us dry of our energy, which is what complaining does. We can be happier as a result! And that’s kinda the point, right?

The perspective of lack of choice begins at a young age. Back in the day when I guided mountaineering courses for at-risk youth with Outward Bound, I would remind the students that none of them had to be there, and that if they didn’t want to be there, they could go home. To be on a challenging expedition and have it be a success, you had to want to be there. The response was often, “I don’t have a choice. I have to be here or I have to go to a correction facility” or “If I went home, my parents would send me to military school, so I don’t have a choice,” and other such examples…and more complaining. The point, however, was that while the choices available may not be the choices we want, everything was a choice nonetheless. You can choose to stay and play and work hard in the mountains, or choose to go to military school, for example. These choices also shape the next part of your life, as well as how you experience the present moment and circumstances. As the days on these courses went by, these young kids starting saying things to each other like, “Well, if you don’t like what I cooked, you have a choice: either carry it out or eat it, but please stop complaining about it because I worked hard at it even if you don’t like it.” Harsh? Not really. Life is too short for complaining. There are way better things to do at dinnertime in the mountains, like watch the stars and tell stories. Complaining drains not only you, but those listening to you.

This perspective can get even stronger in adulthood after years of feeling limited in our options. In my coaching practice today, a common statement is, “If you only understood the circumstances, you’d realize I don’t have a choice.” Well, as in the above example, just because we don’t like the options doesn’t mean we don’t have a choice. Choices are often tough, and we’d often rather not make a choice at all. Yet, that too is a choice made (isn’t there a Rush lyric about that????). The main distraction in a situation where all our choices, well, suck is that we forget we have a choice about how we respond to it. After all, really we are complaining because we aren’t happy. So…how can we make choices that make us happier when we can’t change the facts?

One woman at a coaching workshop I was at described being targeted at work to be pushed out of a partnership that she had spent years working towards. She felt absolutely helpless and attacked and was complaining effusively about it (note: sometimes when we are complaining, we can convince ourselves we are actually just telling a story). When asked why she was choosing to feel so defeated about this, she responded by saying, “I don’t have a choice about feeling this way. If you just understood the situation, you’d see I have no choice about how I feel right now. This stress is REAL.”

Well, exactly. The stress IS real. However, it is also real that we choose how to respond to a situation. This does not dismiss the complete awfulness of her situation. There is a time and place for processing the grief around that. However, she had already done that, and now her goal was to feel better in a circumstance that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. She spent many minutes describing her scenario in detail trying to get people to understand why she felt so bad. She was asked once again to think about why she was choosing to feel that way. As you can imagine, there was a lot of resistance around this. However, eventually, after quiet moments alone and support from others, at the end of the day she realized she could step out of her anxiety about the situation, and move into a place of more grace and power. She had decided that’s how she wanted to be in this situation. When this finally happened, it was a huge shift for her. It didn’t change the circumstances. They were still very real, and very awful. However, it did change her experience of it to one that better served her and made her happier. It stemmed for realizing choice in what we do and how we choose to be. Her complaining and helplessness were draining her, and now she could come from a place of more clarity and action.

So, what to do when all that annoying stuff gets in the way? If you can, start with trying to make requests instead of complaining. For example, if someone is always showing up late with you, instead of complaining to your other friends about how they always do this, make the request that they be more mindful about being on time because it is important to you, and being on time is a sign of respect for you (some people don’t feel that way!). If they continue to be late, then either don’t expect them to come on time, or don’t make plans where being on time is important. If your dessert at a restaurant is bad, don’t call the waiter over and complain about it. Just make a request to get a different one. If they don’t oblige, write a review stating the facts and don’t go back. Make a valiant attempt to change the situation. Complaining will just wear you down. That’s the last thing we need!

If you honestly can’t change it (not just thinking that you can’t change it, or are immobilized by fear about changing it), then try this: LET IT GO! Try your best to shift your perspective and see the bigger picture; do the work to be in a perspective that serves YOU better and allows you to be happier. How to do that is a huge topic, but you get what I mean. We’ve all done it at some point in our lives: However hard it might have been to let go of being totally angry or jealous or sad, at some point we realized that it was no longer serving us, and we moved on to bigger and better things.

Choose to be happy, either by changing your circumstance, or your perspective. You deserve that…and more! I realize this is easier said than done. But isn’t that the truth about most things in life worth doing?

“If you can change something, why be unhappy? If you can’t change something, why be unhappy?”~ Shantideva


Peak Experiences and Feeling Connected to Your Purpose

Greasy-haried but happy on the pass above the Hongku Valley on a climb of Mera Peak, Nepal

I like thinking about the happy places…the special moments in the mountains when the light is just right, mountains towering above (or below!), perfect silence pervading, and feeling strong and centered and surrounded by beauty, like everything was perfect and I knew it; The crazy moments being taken up in the ocean’s swell on a surfboard only to have a school of dolphins swim by and around and under as the sun rose and hit the waves just right so the dolphins surfing in the waves were backlit by a universal glow, feeling so small and slightly frightened about the vastness that lay below me in the ocean’s depths, yet somehow knowing it was all good; Lying by my dad’s side during his last days on this earth, my arms around him as he called me an angel and me being able to tell him how much I love him and to hear him tell me the same as he hovered in that sacred space between here and beyond the notions of “here and there,” somehow knowing that all was right. It seems the common theme in these experiences wasn’t a pretty sunset or big adventure, but rather an innate knowing that all was perfect.

Peak experiences–those experiences in life when we feel fully connected to something greater than ourselves, when we feel that special knowing–help us learn a lot about who we are, our values, how we honor those values. When was your most recent peak experience? What were you doing? Where were you? Who were you with? What does that experience tell you about what fulfills you? Now, take that wisdom and see how you can manifest it more often in your daily life. Is there something that reminds you of that experience? Use it to help remember what is important to you….perhaps a rock from that mountain top, a photo in a cool frame, a seashell from the beach, a poem from your loved one. Take a small part of each day to connect with that “happy place.” Maybe go for a walk after dinner under the full moon, meditate in the morning on your blessings for 3-5 minutes, look your children in the eyes and let them see into your soul, roll in the grass (or snow!) with your dog, make a plan to have a small adventures each week (go to a new restaurant, hike a new trail, go to a new class at the gym). Whatever you do, try to find a way to stay connected to that peak experience. Create the space in your life for it to enter more often, in unexpected ways.

Commitment to Do What it Takes

Mixed climbing in Ouray

“If you’re interested, you’ll do what’s convenient. If you’re committed, you’ll do whatever it takes.” – John Assara

This quote is about taking action and it has inspired me to do whatever it takes to continue to create a life in which I am fulfilled and feel balance. I was supposed to be going to Yosemite to meet up with old friends, do a bit of climbing, and check out the Telluride MountainFilm Festival that was on tour and showing at the Lee Vining Gas Mart (you should go if you get a chance). My partner in crime got called for jury duty…bummer? Could be…but it is also a blessing, as I have had so little time to put my energy towards the many other things that feed my soul. As a result, I am taking this opportunity to focus on planning my future workshops and taking the time to nourish my body and soul…perhaps some long hikes in the hills of Ashland, a spa day, and more yoga and meditation! My boyfriend and I have some family coming in from out of town, and it will be great to share this gem of a town with them, which I would have missed otherwise. I decided to put a picture of me doing my first “mixed climb” (which is climbing both rock and ice) because so often in climbing, you get stuck at a point where you wonder what to do next…and in the end, you just have to do whatever it takes to make it happen to get to the top! Here, I was in a totally new element climbing rock with ICE tools as I made my way towards the next ice fall, and I had to work with what I had to keep heading up. It was exhilarating!

What could you be doing today to move you towards a more balanced and fulfilled life? Perhaps take some time to reach out to that friend or family member you haven’t connected with in a while, or put your nose to the grindstone and get that project out of the way that you’ve been putting off for a while (it’s always easier than we think it will be, isn’t it?). Whatever you do, today, take action to make your life a little more whole…you deserve it!