Whether or not you had a childhood marked by conflict, or grew up in an environment of rage, you have likely – at some point in your life – struggled with anger.

Even in the closest relationships (especially in the closest relationships) anger and conflict are inevitable.

And so, when they show up it’s not necessarily a bad thing – it’s not a “bad sign” about the relationship, per se, because what anger is most often showing us is that our basic, most fundamental needs are not getting met.

As a life coach, part of my job is helping people develop the tools and skills to be able to do something really crucial to their own long term growth: coach themselves.

Yes, I am here as a sounding board, a listener, a co-conspirator and a co-mastermind in helping my clients create the lives they want and deserve, (as a kick in the you-know-what if that’s what they need!) – but I cannot do the work for them.

We all have to do our own groundwork to free our minds, so that we can free our lives.

Human brains love black-and-white thinking. Thinking in terms of absolutes: of ‘right or wrong’, of ‘good or bad’, of ‘all or nothing’.

With black and white thinking, there’s no tension or resistance – none of the discomfort that comes with cognitive dissonance. Because things are either one way or the other way, and this allows us to settle into the comforting absence of ambiguity – the comfort of being 100 percent convinced that we’re right, or that we are good, or that they’re wrong, or that that’s bad.

Have you ever noticed that we think we need to control the world, and that – somewhere in the back of our subconscious minds – other people need to behave a certain way so we can feel good?

We have so many rules for our relationships that we’ve stopped experiencing them and are locked into the expectations of how the relationship SHOULD be, instead.

Ever find yourself wishing you could just stop over-drinking? You don’t identify as an alcoholic, per se – your drinking habits may be affecting your body or brain power a bit negatively, but they’re not affecting the lives of others or those you love – and maybe you don’t want to quit cold turkey, you just want to…reign it in a little?

I hear you. I’ve been there too. And it ain’t easy.