Full On™ 365

Join me as I commit to living full on, every day, for 365 days. For me, Full On™ 365 isn’t just about adventures like climbing, skiing, and traveling to remote places (although those stories will be here too!). It is also about the challenges and rewards of living authentically, life’s misadventures, heartaches, and everything in-between.

Here’s how Full On™ 365 came to be:

After returning from an adventure in West Africa, I was excitedly recounting some of my wild and whacky stories about motorcycling through Mali and thwarting kidnappings and a murder in Timbuktu by 4 hours when several of my colleagues asked, “Do you write these stories down somewhere?”

After I heard this a few more times, I was initially inspired to start an “adventure blog” about living full-on. My peeps wanted me to make it a travel blog of sorts since I’ve been racking up the frequent flyer miles lately. However, I realized that for me to feel inspired about it, it would have to mean more to me than sharing my travels, however amazing they’ve been.

As you may or may not know, I have had cancer – twice. One of the biggest lessons I learned on those journeys was a realization that I am more than who I am when I am living full-on Nat Geo-style adventures. Prior to this catalytic experience at the age of 30, I had felt worthy and alive only when doing really epic things (I was an international climbing guide – click the button below to learn more if you’d like). Most of these were at least mildly dangerous in very real ways, and often were moreso.

People loved hearing the stories. I felt excited and excit-ing, and life was very Full On. But it was cheating. Like adding butter to everything. Of course it tastes better with butter! That’s why I LOVE it! Of course people loved my adventurous life, and so did I! It’s easy to when it involves dramatically remote and beautiful places and near-death experiences (oh, the irony…).

But what was underneath my adventures that was of substance? What…endured?

Being diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma was the first experience I’d had where I was scared and couldn’t simply rely on being able to “power through” it. It was the first time I had to admit that I may not succeed, and the consequences of this were overwhelming.

“What if I didn’t get better?” “How can I feel alive and worthy without having to do these epic and dangerous adventures?” The Big C was dangerous enough, thank you very much.

So I had to come up with a new definition of what it meant for me to live Full On. I realized it meant taking more inner risks, to live my purpose and connect authentically with those in my life, to be willing to disappoint others to be true to my self. And many other things.

This insight led to an insatiable desire to spread the joy that comes from knowing confidently, radiantly, who you are and how you want to be in the world, and the peace that comes from living Full On, inside and out. My life coaching business, Ziji™, was born, and I developed Full On™ coaching to take people there faster, because I had a very real understanding that life was too short, no matter how long.

The blog entries for 365 are about me committing to live Full On not just in outward epic adventures, but in the inner ones that challenge you to live with no more excuses. I invite you to join me on my journey here as I attempt to walk the talk, every day, for 365 days.

What matters most to me is that it might inspire you or someone you know to do the same, and live a Full-On™ life.

Discover Your Purpose and Live Your Genius

Many of us spend a lot of time doing things we’re good at…if we’re lucky, maybe even things we’re great at. However, very few of us hang out in our GENIUS for very long (or even know what our genius is, for that matter!). Read on for a little help finding out what your genius is so you can spend more time in it every day.

“I expand in abundance, success and love every day as I inspire those around me to do the same.” ~ The Ultimate Success Mantra in The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks

The above “mantra” is encouraged to be said regularly in Gay Hendricks’ book, The Big Leap. I put it here because while we are all trying to figure out what the hoo-hah we’re supposed to be doing to live our purpose and genius, we need to remember to keep moving forward during that process, and saying this mantra can be a good reminder. Plus I simply dig quotes.

Hendricks says it even produces results – just saying the mantra! Why not! But more on mantras another time. If you’re as impatient as I am, you probably want to know if there are any tools out there that can also speed things up towards your genius 😉

Here are four questions to help you move closer to discovering your purpose and living your genius (you can read more about them in The Big Leap) .

4 Questions to Discover Your Purpose and Live Your Genius

1. What do I most love to do?
I love to play in the mountains and have adventures. Ever since I discovered them, the mountains have been one of the most consistent joy-producing sources in my life. I also love to dance. Throw me in the mountains to dance, and I am a pig in mud, a bee on pollen, a bear on salmon. What do YOU most love to do, so much that you could do it for long stretches of time and never get bored?

2. What work do I do that doesn’t seem like work?
When I am coaching, I remember the Double Dare Club I started as a kid (see below). I would feel a tickle in my stomach and a tingling in my whole being when I was doing something that stretched me, and watching and inspiring others to experience that as well. I could do that all day. I still feel that in my adult career as a coach. In the end, I can’t get enough of helping others see the truth that is already there: that they are magnificent, that the Universe wants them to manifest all their dreams (and is constantly conspiring to help them do so), and that life is so precious they need to get on it and LIVE it fully, right now, because they deserve to have a kick-ass time while they’re here.

When you’re at work, what are you doing when time seems to fly by, when you are feeling like you have endless energy to do that particular thing? Perhaps that thing even gives you energy. How much of your current workday is spent doing that activity? How can you increase that amount of time doing that? You must!

3. In my work, what produces the highest ratio of abundance and satisfaction to amount of time spent?
Gay Hendricks gives his example of allowing a few minutes of free-flowing thought every day. He finds that when he sets aside time for this (he takes an hour to meditate each day), he can have breakthroughs that result in marked increases of success in his work. Sometimes it takes months, but other times in a few seconds he’ll have an idea that will end up resulting in a product or book or workshop series that adds exponentially to his abundance.

This doesn’t mean YOU need to start setting aside an hour of free-flow thought a day (unless of course, that is your thang). However, it does mean it would behoove you to figure out what that special little thang is for you. And no, that’s not a typo. It’s a thang because it will bring you more satisfaction for the time and effort you expend at work than anything else ever would. For me its journaling and reading every day. Those two things gives me ideas for articles, workshops to offer, add to my skillset as a coach, come up with new programs…lots of great stuff! And I love doing it.

Maybe for you it is talking a walk in nature during lunch, calling up that colleague who really gets your creative juices flowing whenever you talk about projects, doodling…whatever it is, pinpoint what that thang is for you and spend more time doing it in your workday!

4. What is my unique ability (a.k.a. Superpower)?
I adore and appreciate how Gay’s granddaughter described one’s “unique ability” as a Superpower. So yes, let’s rephrase: What’s your Superpower? One client of mine excels at telling stories. Ever since she was a child she could captivate an audience with her stories. On a deeper level, she describes her superpower as knowing how to capture and hold attention on a deep level, and transport others with her voice. She could also tune into what story or lesson would be most beneficial to a group at a given event. Another client of mine didn’t discover her unique ability…ahem…I mean Superpower, until she was in her 40s. She discovered that she could see and be with others’ grief in a way very few people could, and this opened up a whole new career and way of being in the world for her.

Often this unique ability is developed at a young age. One of Gay’s granddaughters said her superpower is “sensing other people’s feelings” (she’s12 years old). It is not unusual that it develops as a coping mechanism to deal with some kind of stress, such as a volatile parent, an overbearing sibling, or being very shy in social situations.

For example, as a kid, I noticed that my cousins and friends and I got bored pretty easily. We were energetic, adventurous, bursting with life…and we lived in the ghetto. This meant we couldn’t run amok all over town lest something horrible happen to us. And our parents were strict enough that we couldn’t get away with even trying, lest something even more horrible happen to us at home. So, I had an idea: “The Double Dare Club.”

I think I was eight years old when I thought of starting the Double Dare Club. What was this club about? Well, it essentially consisted of me thinking up wild and crazy ways we could all expand our comfort zones in the relative safety of our own backyards. Then I’d double dare the club members to do it. “Expanding our comfort zones” is an adult way of putting it, of course. Back then I saw it as a way for us to have fun, be a little scared, and stop being bored. I was an only child and abhorred boredom. I’d cry from boredom, and avoided it at all costs.

No matter why we were in the club, however, it was paramount that what we did had to push our edge. Otherwise it would be boring.

These dares were customized by me. After all, members ranged in ages from 6 to 10 years old, and even boys joined my club. In fact, mostly boys joined my club. As an example of our dares, I had people climbing tall fences barefoot and launching off the fence into the neighbor’s backyard then stealing a basketball (which we’d quickly return once the deed was done) then coming back and shooting 3 straight free throws and making them, then jumping back over to return the ball all in 2 minutes. Did I mention the neighbor was mean? We also climbed up the REALLY tall redwood tree (yeah, we had one in the ghetto and it fell into our yard after a storm one winter and we didn’t have it anymore) and would see who could get the highest and then climb down, sometimes with one arm. Sometimes blindfolded. Sheesh. My poor mother. She didn’t know about any of that though.

In any event, I LOVED seeing my friends’ faces after they did each dare. They were absolutely thrilled and proud and giddy! If it wasn’t a hard enough dare, everything felt kind of flat. My unique superpower was hidden somewhere in there, for sure.

So..how do I describe what it is?

Articulating your unique ability is a tricky one to get at, as it is often hidden under a lot of layers. So, here are a few questions to help you peel those away:

• I’m at my best when ………
• When I’m at my best, the exact thing I’m doing is …..
• When I’m doing that, the thing I love most about it is ….

When I did this inquiry of “What is my unique ability” several times in the past, I thought my unique ability was to coach clients into a fulfilled life, or to midwife families into an empowered pregnancy and birth experience, or take them into the mountains to push beyond being scared, and instead be inspired and discover their courage. However, it was deeper than that.

When I peeled back the layers I discovered that I am at my best when I am totally present and connected with my clients. The exact thing I am doing – whether I was coaching, guiding, or midwifing – is completely tuning in to where they are at. I am listening on all levels to what they are communicating, and feeling intense compassion for them and excitement about how their life is unfolding as they learn more and more about what is possible for them, and integrate these truths themselves.

In being with my clients this way, I create a safe and courageous space for them to take risks (by the way, this is what happens whenever ANY of us are being with others in this way). Over the years that showed up in births, in the mountains, and in my client’s wild-innerness. The thing I love most about when that is happening is that I get to witness another being discover their power and live their truth, and that is a freakin’ amazing thing to behold. It gives me boundless joy because I know yet another precious life on this precious planet is going to be lived even more fully, and we ALL benefit from that. And they will never be bored. This life is too precious to EVER be bored.

I hope you take some time to discover your genius and create ways to live in it more and more each day. The world doesn’t just want you to – it needs you to.

Learning to Let Go – Lessons of Autumn

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“Wouldn’t it be terrible if the trees outside identified themselves by their leaves? These are very flimsy things to be attached to.” ~ Adyashanti in Emptiness Dancing

Indeed it would be terrible! Especially come Autumn when they all fall away! Imagine all those trees bending over with their branches frantically scrambling to pick up their leaves and trying to hold onto them, year after year. Think about all the things we are attached to: our ideas, our appearance, our grudges, our “things.” We scramble in this way when we see them slipping away, our grasp becomes more firm, and our energy more scattered. Yet there is so much we are meant to let go of to allow us to nurture our core, who we really are, and the things that are truly important. There is so much bullhonkey we mistake for things that are truly who we are, and they distract us from our truth.

Think of all the ways that you have been stopped from doing something new, opening your heart, or taking a risk in the name of something you’re holding on to. How many times have you said, “Oh, that’s not me/my style.” “I’m not ready.” “I’ll never forgive him/her for that.” “I’m not strong enough for that.” “I’m not good looking enough.” “I don’t deserve that.”

Here’s news: Some things are meant to be with us for only a season, some things we outgrow, some things were never a part of us to begin with…and we have to let go. Only in doing this can we have the energy and focus it takes to truly nurture our core and our roots.

5 Ways to Let Go This Autumn

1. Get super clear about what your TRUE CORE is…at least what it is for this season (things change – including YOU!). What is your identity?

This is not about the things you are simply “used” to identifying with. Not the characteristics in that box that people have put you in since you were 7 years old. Not the lessons you learned on how to protect yourself when your heart was broken 12 years ago. Make a list of 60 characteristics that describe who you are, your identity. If you were asked to give up 1/3 of those, which would they be? Cross them out. Then someone asks you to give up another 1/3. Cross those out. And yes, do that ONE MORE TIME – another 1/3. Let them go. What is the 10% you are left with? How much time do you spend nurturing these characteristics?

2. Forgive Someone

Will ya let go of that grudge already?! It’s fine and dandy to pick someone to forgive for a minor infraction. However, I encourage you to dig deep with this one and find someone with whom it is a bit more challenging to forgive. Not for their sake, but for YOURS. It doesn’t take a Zen monk to realize that not forgiving causes more suffering to the person not forgiving that it ever does to the person not forgiven. At the same time, there is an incredible amount of freedom that comes with forgiving. Is it really that important that your friend didn’t write or call for a few weeks? Or that you didn’t get invited to that one holiday weekend when everyone went to the ski cabin? Or that your meat and potatoes family refuses to comply with your vegan standards at Thanksgiving? And yes, is it really that important that your ex left you for someone else, or that your father was angry and violent…so important that it burns a hole in your heart to this day and keeps you from realizing complete happiness? Yes, it can be important, but not worth not forgiving and the suffering it brings you.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. We remember things for a reason. It helps us to learn from our experiences, to protect ourselves, and to remember what makes us feel good as well. It teaches us what we want and don’t want. However, forgiveness allows us to move on, to grow, and to expand instead of constrict, contract, and limit ourselves. It does not mean you have to forget, and put yourself into the same negative situation over and over.

3. Forgive Yourself

Wow. OK. So you totally screwed up. Man, you really blew it. What the hell were you thinking?

WHO CARES?! It’s done. It’s over. You can’t change what happened. However, you can change how you act now, and in the future. You can choose to respond instead of react. You remember what you did NOT so that you can beat yourself up about it every day, but so that you don’t make the same mistake again. You are allowed to grow and change. You are not your mistakes. You are a kick ass human being who is not broken or messed up or a lost cause. You are brilliant, magnificent, and creative. You can be whomever you want to be, be however you want to be, and do it (SNAP!) like that! You just need to decide to. So, stop beating yourself up about shhhtuff and forgive yourself. THIS will allow you to do things differently, because you acknowledge to the Universe – and to yourself – that you know you are capable of anything.

OK, now that we got some of the heavier “letting go” stuff out of the way, let’s get to some tangibles…

4. Get Rid of Stuff (e.g. Clean Out Your Closet, Remove Clutter)

This is totally about a big issue of mine. However, I have to assume I am not alone on this one. I am well-aware of the clutter my myriad t-shirts, yoga pants, tank tops, and jeans cause. Yes, I admit I even have dresses from the 90s. And maybe even one from the 80s. I like retro. Which would all be dandy if I actually wore them. And more than once every 3 years. Even though it was PERFECT for that rooftop party ages ago. And yes, that includes tutus…or does it? In any event, get rid of stuff. If you’re stressed about the money you spent on them, sell them to a consignment shop, to a used clothing store, or get a big phat receipt from Goodwill for your donation. Just ‘cuz you bought it doesn’t mean you have to keep it in that big box called your closet. Things in there are for things that get worn.

5. Stop a Bad Habit

What is a habit anyway? It’s not something we need. It is something we’re used to. Food, we need. Eating after work at 10pm, a habit. Rest, we need. Plopping in front of the TV after work and zoning out, a habit. Self-soothing when we’re stressed, we need. Nail biting, smoking, and complaining to anyone around us, a habit. Habits are yet another form of unconscious attachment. Let go of one…at least for 21 days. It is said it takes 21 days to form a new habit – like not doing your old bad habit!

Some final thoughts from Adyashanti:

Self-inquiry is…not about looking for a right answer so much as stripping away and letting you see what is not necessary, what you can do without, what you are without your leaves. In human beings…we do not call these leaves. We call them ideas, concepts, attachments, and conditioning. All of this forms your identity. Inquiry is a way of inducing a spiritual winter in its most positive sense, stripping everything to its root, to its core…This is a falling into the most essential root of being.

As you probably know by now, “Ziji” means “radiant inner confidence.” This growth requires courage and faith in who you are, and that you are indeed magnificent. Play with the courage it takes to let go, to see your core, and consider joining the Ziji Up! Mastery Program – the ultimate confidence course for intrepid souls like yours. It’ll give you an extra kick in the butt;)

 

7 Steps to Master The Art of Doing Nothing

“L’arte de non fare niente”

As you practice saying the Italian phrase above with the accompanying hand gestures and exaggerated accent (hmmm maybe it’s just me who does that with Italian…), know that it means, “The art of doing nothing.” You might say, “Sure, I know how to do nothing!” We all “know” how to lay around and do nothing. But, as one of my favorite proverbs goes:

To know and not do is not to know (I think yoda or buddha or someone cool like that said it)

In order to Ziji Up, create, and live a wildly fulfilling life, you need to be able to slow down and rejuvenate. This allows the space to “download” inspiration from your higher power, get back in touch with who you are and what you want your life to look like, and restore the energy needed to do the work you need to do to make it happen (and be able to do it joyfully).

Many of us are too busy to do nothing, and when we do it, our minds are often on other things. We cannot relax and enjoy the nothingness, which – by the way – is what makes it “wasting time” and even “boring.” While doing nothing can indeed be a waste of time, it can also be an art form. Here’s how to become a master, and in the process melt away the stress and make yourself more productive when you actually do work (Note: some of these Ziji steps are modified from an old article by Leo Babauta’s in his “Zen Habits” blog, one of my faves).

1) START SHORT AND SWEET

When one is doing nothing in the truest sense of the word, it can be overwhelming, leading to uneasy feelings of imminent spontaneous combustion. Do small nothings at first. Start with 5-10 minutes at a time.

2) THE SWEET SPOT

Find a time and place where there are not many distractions, noise, or people to bother you. Personally, I like to be outside in my backyard, or at a nearby beach, lake, or quiet park. When I’m in the home there are too many reminders of what I should be doing. However, if you are bothered by bugs and hummingbirds and other things that make noise when they move or could possibly land on you, stick to the house (just make sure you’re not at work or in a busy public place).

3) UNPLUG

Doing nothing is hard when we are being called to do something. Turn off cell phones, the TV, computer, regular phones, Blackberries, and the like.

4) NOW DO NOTHING

I know. The smart-asses out there will say you’re doing something – you’re sitting there or laying there, closing your eyes. But I mean doing nothing in the sense that if someone were to call you up and ask what you’re doing, you’d say “Oh, nothing.” Don’t let them call you up, though. 

After 5-10 minutes of doing nothing, you can quit and go do something. But try to do this every day, or as much as possible, because it is not possible to become a master without practice.

5) MASTER RELAXATION

An important part of doing nothing in longer stints is being able to completely relax. If we are tense, then the doing of the nothing is really in vain.

•    Relaxing starts by finding a comfortable place to do your nothing — a soft patch of grass, a comfy chair, a plush couch, a lazy hammock, or, in my case, a warm granite slab. Once you’ve found this spot, lie in it, and wiggle around to make it fit your body better (or for an advanced maneuver, make your body fit it better). Think of how a cat lies down, and makes itself comfortable. Cats are very, very good at doing nothing. You may never approach their level of mastery, but they make for great inspiration.

•    Next, try the following breathing practice. If this sounds like meditation, cast those suspicions out of your mind. We are not here to do suspicion — we are doing nothing. Breathing, like other bodily functions, happens. Start first by breathing slowly in, and then slowly out. Now closely monitor your breath as it enters your body, through your nose (feel the air as it passes the tip of your nose), and goes down your throat, into your lungs, and fills your lungs. Now feel it as it goes out of your body, through your mouth, and feel the satisfying emptying of your lungs.
Do this for 5-10 minutes, if you can. When you start thinking about other things, such as how great your Ziji Life would be if you were doing something, just bring your mind back to that feeling of air passing through the tip of your nose every time. Don’t smack yourself. Just go back to the breath.

If you’re still not able to relax and enjoy doing nothing, you may need to do a little something first.

  • Try progressive relaxation, slowly tensing and releasing muscles from the tips of your toes moving up towards the top of your head (the top of your head is quite advanced, however).
  • You can also try a hot foot soak, putting some hot water into a tub/large bowl and adding some Epsom salts or essential oils like lavender or rose. Be sure to put a towel underneath the tub so you don’t worry about getting water all over while you’re trying to relax. Soak for at least 10 minutes, closing your eyes and letting go.
  • Leo Babauta also suggests self massage. In his words: “Try self massage. Start with your shoulders and neck. Work your way up to your head and even your face. Also do your back, and legs and arms. Avoid any areas that might lead to doing something (although that can be relaxing too).”

Now that you are relaxed, stop doing something and start doing nothing again.

6) ADVANCED ACTIVITIES

Those who are in the beginning stages of the Art of Doing Nothing should not attempt this stage, as you are doing nothing for quite a while, and yet you’re sweating. But once you’ve become proficient at the above steps, the stage of the Bath or Sauna can be epic. For the following, have water or another preferred beverage nearby (see #6). Just make sure your hydration:dehydration ratio is healthy.

BATH

The bath must be nice and hot. Not lukewarm, but hot. Bubbles are also required, even if you are a man who is too manly for this. Other bath accessories, such as a loofah sponge, or bath gels, or aromatherapy oils, are optional.

Again, you must have all distractions shut off. Bathing is also best done if you are alone in the house, but if not, everyone else in the house must know that you CANNOT be disturbed. If they break this sacred rule, you must turn upon them with the Wrath and then get back to doing nothing.

Step into your bath, one foot at a time, very slowly. If your bath is properly hot, it is best if you get into it an inch at a time. For more sensitive body parts, such as the crotchal (is that a word?) area, it is best to squeeze your eyes shut tight and slowly lower yourself into the steaming water despite all instincts to flee. Once you are fully immersed (and you should go completely under, head included, at first), close your eyes, and feel the heat penetrating your body.

You may begin to sweat. This is a good thing. Allow the sweat to flow. You may need a glass of water as the sweat could dehydrate you. Allow your muscles to be penetrated by the heat, to be relaxed completely, and feel all your worries and stresses and aches and inner turmoil flow out of your body into the water.

SAUNA

Let the sauna heat up for at least 30 minutes, then walk in. You may need to sit on a towel to prevent the aforementioned instinct to flee, plus they are soft and fluffy and sanitary. Sit on the top level bench first to get the qi flowing, then move down to the lower bench if you start swooning.

Notice the beads of sweat forming, and imagine your body releasing all your tension and toxins. Let the sweat drip without wiping it off. Sip some water to replace the sweat. If you’re hard to sweat, toss some water on the rocks if it won’t cause an electrical fire of sorts. Try not to be one of those who does calisthenics in the sauna. This is Nothing sauna time. If you are near snow, get out when you can’t tolerate the heat anymore and roll in it (yeehaw!), then get back in the sauna.

A hot bath or sauna is even more awesome if followed by a bracing cold shower. Either way, get out of the bath once the water is no longer warm and your skin is very raisin-like, and get out of the sauna while you can still walk without passing out.

7) SENSUALITY

Doing nothing is also great when accompanied by involving some of the other senses. Good tea or coffee, wine, hot cocoa, and other sensual beverages go very well with the Art. It’s best to take these beverages by themselves, with no food, and without a book or other distractions. Focus on the liquid as you sip it slowly, savoring every bit of the flavor and texture and temperature in your mouth before swallowing, and feeling the swallow completely. Close your eyes as you do this. Truly enjoy this drink.

Foods are also great: dark chocolate, berries, rich desserts, freshly made bread, a juicy peach, the best soup ever, or whatever it is that you love. Be sure you eat it slowly, savoring every bite. Chew slowly, and close your eyes as you enjoy the food. Let it melt in your mouth if that’s applicable. Let the juice drip on your face. Feel the texture in your mouth. Yummmm!

INCORPORATING THE ART IN DAILY LIFE

Excerpted from Leo’s article, these are the “final exam” of mastering this Art. Don’t attempt these until you’ve practiced and become competent at the above stages.

  • Do nothing while you are waiting: waiting in line, at the doctor’s office, on a bus, or in the airport. Wait, without reading a newspaper or magazine, talking on the phone, checking your email, writing out your to-do list, doing any work, or worrying about what you need to do later. Just notice your breathing, or try one of the relaxation techniques above. Concentrate on those around you – watch them, try to understand them, listen to their conversations.
  • Do nothing when you drive. Yes, you must drive, but try to do nothing else. Don’t listen to music or news or an audiobook. Don’t multi-task. Don’t talk on your cell phone, don’t eat, and don’t do your makeup. Just drive. Concentrate on your driving, look at the things you are passing, and feel your breath.
  • Lastly, try doing nothing in the middle of chaos, in your workplace or other stressful environment. Just shut everything out, close your eyes, and notice your breathing. Try a relaxation technique. Do this for 5-10 minutes at a time. If you can do this, in the middle of a stressful day at work or with the kids, you will allow yourself to focus more fully on the task at hand. You will be relaxed and ready to concentrate to bring yourself into a state of flow.

Finally, the Art of Doing Nothing cannot be mastered in a day. It will take hours and hours of practice and hard work (doing nothing isn’t easy!). But you will enjoy every minute of it! Try it today, and let me know how it went for you below! Also, follow me in my Simplify 365 blogposts that I started August 1st, 2014, and watch me try to practice this reguarly…wish me luck!

Unshakeable Confidence: Facing Fear, Taking Risks, and Surviving the Falls

ziji (zē’jē) n. 1. radiant inner confidence

I’m writing this sitting on a plane ride from North Carolina en route to Ashland via San Francisco. Sitting next to me is Fred, a Texan hydrogeologist. He tells me a story. It starts with a dream. Back in the day as a single man, he promised himself that when he had kids, he would raise them in Mexico. For him, it was the perfect place for the way he wanted to raise his kids, allowing for cultural immersion and life-expanding experiences. Lo and behold, years later, at the height of his career, the kids arrived. Not the best timing. Did he freak out knowing he was at a highpoint in his career and tell himself, “Hellz no! I am not going to Mexico! Not now!” ?

Au contraire. And neither did his wife. He stayed true to his dream and they sold everything, moving their family to Mexico. The first six years were full of trials to say the least. It was challenging to find a job as a Texan hydrogeologist, even after having done work there previously. I think he may have used the words “it was actually kind of like hell.” They wondered, often, “What have we DONE?!”

BUT, over the course of about 6 years, things started turning around. He and his wife started a furniture business. It grew. It became a success. And now, after 16 years in Mexico, they are quite happy and content. In the end, he says he sees it as one of the best decisions of his life, and it has been a truly enriching experience for his kids, which was the whole point of taking that risk in the first place. Fred confirms this by saying that to NOT have ever gone to Mexico – wondering “What if?” – would have been far worse than going through those challenging 6-7 years. Fred, my friends, has Ziji.

Ziji is all about confidence. But not just any confidence. True. Radiant. Inner. Confidence.

Where the heck IS this Ziji?!

Let’s start by imagining what life was like before anything “bad” ever happened to us (sah-weet!). I’d like to use the metaphor of a house. Once upon a proverbial time, you were in a big beautiful home. You had lots of open windows that brought in lots of light and refreshing breezes. It felt spacious and free. As you looked through the windows and doors of this home and the breeze wafted over you, you got to experience life “out there.” The windows and doors allowed opportunity to come in, and for you to seek it out. Over time, as you looked out different windows and doors, you had good and bad experiences with the world “out there.” However, as you experienced the bad ones, they hurt you so deeply. They scared you. They pissed you off. You wanted to avoid those experiences and protect yourself from them as much as possible, so that you never had to experience them – or anything like them – ever again. They made you…uncomfortable. You closed those windows and doors, vowing to keep them shut forever.

What kinds of things cause us to close off to the world and shut those windows and doors of opportunity?
Well, a few examples from some of my past clients’ lives are:

  • Being told it isn’t realistic to live our passions (dreaming shuts down!).
  • A partner leaving you for someone else (trust shuts down!).
  • Splurging on yourself for once, then losing your job (generosity towards yourself – and likely others – shuts down!).
  • Hearing your parents argue day and night about money (being comfortable with money and abundance shuts down!).
  • Putting your all into applying to the best gradate school out there and not getting accepted (taking big risks shuts down!).
  • Putting on your first art show and nothing sells (believing you can be successful living your passion shuts down!).

There’s lots.

Blam! Slam! Boom! Thud! Eventually, all the windows and doors are shut, you are in a dark house, cold, dank, lifeless. But hey, YOU’RE SAFE! Woohoo!

Well, not really.

You think you’ve managed to protect yourself from those bad experiences ever happening again, but you’ve also closed yourself off to any possible opportunities, joy, and light. You don’t take risks where there is even the remote possibility of failing. You take apparent “risks” for things you are sure to succeed in, and are successful in the things you actually attempt to do. But you never take any real risks.

You only date people who likely won’t dump you. You apply for jobs that you’re overqualified for. You never take vacations or buy nice things for yourself because you need to save LOTS (“you never know what’ll happen”) and you pride yourself in being “frugal.” You have a safe job with good benefits and it’s “alright.” You paint as a hobby and your family admires your talent and tells you they are so glad you went to law school instead of art school. And you smile back. You put off starting that business of yours because you have kids, and no “responsible” mom would do that with kids so you’re doing the “right” thing.

By the way, we often write off living our passions and dreams with the excuse of needing to be “responsible.” Yet we seem to have the definition of resposible mean to only do things that are completely safe. No risks. Risks are “bad” and “irresponsible.” Well, perhaps Fred didn’t pick the “safest” option, but it didn’t qualify as irresponsible…at least not in Ziji land, or to his happy kids who now travel the world and dream big.

The result of not taking any real risks is you never know what might actually be possible should you live life full-out. Risks and all. And you’re scared as hell that you don’t have all your bases covered and something is going to sneak in through one of those windows and doors and knock you around again. And it probably will.

What a crappy place to be.

So what is the real fear here? And once again…where the heck is this Ziji?
Why do we protect ourselves with such fervor? It’s not because of what is actually happening in the NOW. Usually, it is because we don’t think we’ll be able to take what comes next, that we’ll be able to handle it again, or because we imagine the worse case scenario and we know we just don’t LIKE being uncomfortable (and its myriad manifestations of intensity)!

In her book Unconditional Confidence, Pema Chodron describes getting knocked down by ocean waves. Life is like standing at the ocean’s edge. Eventually, there will always come a wave that will knock us down. When the huge scary ones in life arrive that look like they will knock us down, we either try to run away or stand up with all our might to keep from getting knocked down. We try to protect ourselves.

Thing is, the ocean is powerful. The waves we’re talking about here always knock us down. It’s just part of being human. So you see, it doesn’t work to run away from them. It’s part of being alive. They always catch up to you, and if you run they just get ya from behind and you eat a bunch of sand and it gets in your eyes and in your undies. You can try with all your might to be “strong,” plant your feet, and not get taken out…but it’s exhausting, and once you’re knocked down, you’re just more tired at the end of it all. Sometimes you get held down a long time under water and get spun around like in a washing machine, and you barely make it up for air. Other times, you get a bunch of sand in your mouth and water in your ears. But what we seem to fail to notice is: we ALWAYS get back up!

Maybe one time we got knocked down and it took a few weeks…or months…or years to get back up. Another time it took a few days. Another time a few minutes. No matter what, we always stood back up. Shaken, but standing.

So our fear in the end isn’t in the waves themselves...it is the fear that we might not get back up.

These waves of life do recede. And we always have the opportunity to get back up. And we HAVE gotten back up many times in the past. So instead of trying to protect yourself, remind yourself of all the times you have gotten up in your life. THAT is where true radiant inner confidence – Ziji – comes from. And you can’t develop Ziji without having been knocked down and getting back up again. You need to know that you can stand up again and again. You always do! I’m not saying it is always fun. It’s way different than body surfing. I’m just saying you always get up, so stop worrying about that part.

If you start to embrace the waves, and if you cultivate your Ziji, your inner confidence, when these waves take you down, you will get up faster and faster each time. And the waves will feel smaller and smaller each time. You will stop focusing on protecting yourself from the waves, trying to figure out ways for them to stop happening, working out to stand your ground. Instead, you will accept that waves happen. You will have the confidence to know you will get back up. And somewhere deep inside, you will know that wondering “what if” is a hell of a lot worse than getting knocked down and getting back up. ZIji is inside you. In all of us.

The waves in life WILL happen, whether you accept them or not (they have!).

You WILL get knocked down (it’s happened!).

And you WILL get back up (you DID!).

You have enough. We all do. Build your Ziji, your radiant inner confidence, and you will be willing to take those risks, get knocked down, and get back up because THAT is living. Keep the windows and doors open, let in the light and the opportunities. The rewards are priceless: joy, fulfillment, passion, unshakeable confidence, contentment, peace of mind, growing beyond your wildest dreams, doing what you never thought possible, inspiring others around you to do the same.

So do it. Ziji Up! The perfect antidote to fear is action…even small action.

Bring it: make a list of the times you’ve been taken down by a wave and stood up again. See this as proof of what you already know: you have all you need inside of you.