I think one of the most confusing parts about the spiritual path is how, as humans, we’re deeply social creatures and crave connection, yet the attachment we have to connection also creates so much suffering.
Wanting to be close to other humans is natural. In fact, we need it to survive. We’re born with a deep need to belong to a group; we evolved to be terrified of being ostracized and isolated. After all, back in the day, being ostracized from a tribe meant death for us.
So if we don’t get the love and connection that we needed as a child, we often then become obsessed with being liked. We start to become something others really like – someone personable and nice and even super helpful…but not genuinely. It’s from a fear of not being liked.
People may say great things about our likeability, but is this form of niceness a noble path?
A child basically has two needs. One is we have the need for developing a secure attachment – for intimacy and proximity with another human being. Its basic purpose is to protect and nurture our young, so there’s bonds formed between caregivers and their young. Without this connection and attachment, humans don’t thrive. It’s physiologically impossible.
The other need is for authenticity – to be ourselves and live our truth. This also has to do with survival. If we’re not in touch with ourselves out in the wild, we don’t survive, right? Our intuition steered us away from danger and threats.
But often, if a child is authentic and expresses their true needs and feelings, a conflict arises, because their deeply needed sense of attachment is threatened when the other person doesn’t want to meet that need. This could be because the parents were too stressed or depressed or traumatized themselves, or any other reason.
Eventually we find that we aren’t in touch with our authentic needs anymore. We don’t pay attention to our feelings. We aren’t aware of them, we won’t express them, and we won’t even know what we want. In the Adventure Mastermind I often hear people say that they’re not sure they know what they even actually want. So this phenomenon isn’t that uncommon.
This can have all kinds of implications, but one is that we may then compulsively serve the needs of others, ignoring our own. People pleasing.
And that can lead to a lack of sleep, restoration, healthy movement… which leads to physical disease, burnout, or even mental health issues.
Or we may then develop all kinds of false needs, which really are what addictions are all about…the overdrinking, overspending, escaping.
So, then, how do we know if we’re being inauthentic?
For me, when I’m doing anything insincere or inauthentic, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel heavy and untethered at the same time. There’s this shame or suffering that happens within us all.
That shame and internal discomfort is our guide that we’re not being true to ourselves. Even if we look “nice” in the eyes of others.
That shame is also a message that our true self is still there, calling to us. If we don’t listen, something catalytic will eventually happen to shake us out of our passive belief that things are just fine the way they are… and thank goddess that happens, even if it’s painful!
So we can look upon those difficulties as problems to get rid of… or we can look at them as teachings that help bring us back to authentic ourselves.
Check out the full episode for a great practice I walk you through to help you bring YOU back to your true self, which helps allow you to feel yourself connecting back to your place of strength, wisdom, and clarity…and trust! Ziji.
This sense of coming home will develop over time. It might not happen the first time you try, but as you become more attuned to your authentic self, you’ll find you’ve been home all along.
You will learn:
// Two things we all needed to survive… and what happens when either is denied at any time in our lives
// When we first betrayed ourselves
// How people pleasing and imposter syndrome develop
// How to tell when you’re being inauthentic when you’re still not sure what your truth is
// One practice you can do to bring yourself back into a place of clarity and trust
Resources:
// Episode 11: How to Stop People Pleasing
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!