Days 224 to 235 – Living As If Someone Is Watching (like your boyfriends friends)- The Value of Integrity
Men are watching me. You see, I interviewed a lot of men because I’m teaching this relationship workshop in October, AND I have a free Jedi Juice call on maintaining your moxie with a man next week (Tuesday to be exact). I wanted both of these things to be uber-valuable, so I put together all the relationship books I’ve read, research, coaching pearls, and my interviews with oddles of men into a badass place at Freedom Junkie.
But now all these guys know about it because I’ve interviewed them or their friends. Including my boyfriend.
And they are saying to me they are really excited about it, because when I talk about what I teach, it is right on (of course! my peeps deserve right on!). Including my boyfriend. They want women to know these things (and to be fair, they admit they needed to learn some of the things too;).
So, as the Universe would have it, of course these last two weeks have been more challenging dealing with my shizzle. And I swear “they” are watching how I deal with it.
They listen to me express my vulnerabilities, either through listening directly (one amigo is visiting us out here in the Pribilofs), or maybe if Thai talks about it, or maybe if a girlfriend I talk to talks about it to her boyfriend who is Thai’s friend.
Of course, the degree to which that is actually happening is likely an exaggerated story too. Men actually don’t talk about that type of stuff that much to each other. But still, it affects how I feel and act. And they are genuinely curious as to if this shit actually works.
My classic vulnerability that you’ve heard a lot here is, “Right now I am not feeling very special in this relationship.” Which stems from comparisons and making up stories about my past and my boyfriend’s past etc. It’s exhausting when it happens – but over time leaves faster and faster after it visits. Thank goddess.
So now I am called forth to walk the talk even more. I thought I did that already most of the time (I think it is fairly impossible to do it all the time), but now I am feeling it even more because (gulp) people are watching what I teach!
It feels like pressure in some moments, but it is really a gift. I think it is one of the biggest gifts that coaching has given me – an even stronger desire to act in integrity.
It’s one thing to claim ignorance and make mistakes and say, “Oops!” It’s a little different when you know how to avoid it and do it anyway. Both, however, still warrant compassion (from others and ourselves).
In any event, the other day, I expressed my completely irrational vulnerability, owned it, stated I knew it was a story and that I had to get over it, but in the meantime, I needed more patience because it was going to take a bit more time. Our amigo heard it too. Then the two of them when on a hike and I thought for sure they’d decide I was a crazy woman by the time they got back. But they returned from the hike and my boyfriend said how he loved me even more than before he left, and our amigo asked me more details about what I was teaching and was genuinely interested. So I guess they didn’t think I was a freak for having had an irrational moment.
See – it’s not that others don’t want you to be perfect or not have irrational feelings. They mostly just don’t want you to blame them for it;)
Each time this B.S of not feeling like a special partner comes up, I don’t necessarily feel it less. Sometimes I feel it with a fury and it pisses me off that I still feel it that strongly. And sometimes it is indeed a softer experience. But ya know what? I get better at dealing with it. Each time, I can separate my story from the facts more quickly, which helps me get over it more fully since I can see the role I had in creating the problem to begin with. I can step back. I can observe.
Hell, I even crack myself up with my shizzle a lot of the time!
I also learn to meet my needs and wants more (and knowing the difference). When I feel it, I ask, ” What is this emotion trying to teach me about what I need/want more of right now?” Do I need to have more hugs today? More sex? A nice dinner cooked for me? Do I need to cry and still be loved fully so I feel safe? Then I ask for it. I try not to complain. I make a request.
And, I remind myself I have all I need in myself to meet those needs if I’m not getting much help otherwise. Which releases those around me from a huge responsibility.
I think that other than learning how to re-write bullshit stories into new and more awesome ones (and watching the newer stories unfold), learning to love myself and feel inner radiant confidence in myself (ziji!) has been the other great lessons on this path. Combined, they truly do lead to more freedom – and FUN!
So go ahead and be imperfect. Just don’t blame others for feeling like shit. Whether people are watching or not, act so you can be proud in how you show up and respond (and if they are watching, show them exactly how badass you are;)
(In terms of other full-on activities for the week, check out this windstorm video …and that pick above is of an awesome beach with tons of seal on a gorgeous day in the Pribilofs 😉
Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and Freedom Junkie™ She helps passionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly Freedom Junkie™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)!