How To Set Boundaries That Actually Work

Do you remember how proud you were when you set your first “healthy boundary?” I do.

I remember finally planting my metaphorical foot down after months of frustration. I told someone I was dating that I wasn’t going to tolerate anymore flaking or not showing up when he said he would. I deserved my time to be respected. I set my boundary and … he listened!

Well done! I thought to myself. Should have done that months ago!

But…he didn’t listen for long. In the end it was a battle of me re-setting boundaries, trying to control his behavior, then him complying…and eventually breaking them again. Then I’d withdraw to “enforce” the boundary…rinse, repeat.

When I was first taught about boundaries, it was in the context of women who do too much for other people, and not enough for themselves. It came across to me that I had to be firm and defend myself against others asking me to do things I didn’t want to do, or allowing them to act in ways that were not healthy for me. Sounds like a good idea right?

While that sounds like a really good idea on the surface, the way I was doing it ended up leading to not-so-good things for everyone involved. Things like Anger. Frustration. Control.

That last one is the biggest thing – it turns out unbeknownst to me, I was using boundaries to control other people’s behavior. I was giving ultimatums like “you do/don’t do this…or else!” This is not a healthy way to set boundaries – yet it is the way most of us were taught to set them.

Most of us set boundaries based on how we can change how someone else behaves, and not on our power of choice and agency to do what is best for us.

The healthy way to create boundaries necessitates remembering a very important thing: that boundaries are all about YOUR behavior.

Whaaaaat?! That’s right. The focus of a healthy boundary is actually not about the other person doing or not doing what you want at all. They are all grown up, and whether you like it or not, they “get” to do whatever they want. I know. It sounds crazy. But stick with me for a long minute;)

A healthy boundary is all about what you are going to do. It is a consequence you set that is completely based on an action you will take.

For example, if your mother is constantly belittling you when she calls, you can create a boundary. You can say, “Mom, it is not OK for you to belittle me when we talk. I love you, but if you start to do that, I will let you know I am going to hang up, and we can talk again when belittling isn’t part of the conversation.”

Then, if she does it again, you say, “OK mom, I love you, and I’m going to hang up now. When you’re ready to talk without doing that, we can chat again.”

You don’t continue to try to change her or “make her stop.” You just take care of yourself.

You may have noticed a few other things in this example:

1) The boundary isn’t about something petty. Some people want to set boundaries around things like getting people to stop giving them unsolicited advice, or doing something annoying like talking too loudly. That is actually attempting to control someone and not letting them be themselves – which is not OK.

Boundaries are set for big-deal items: emotional or physical boundaries. People do not get to hit you. People do not get to emotionally abuse you (like the belittling in the example above). People do not get to break your trust.

You may wonder – Hold on, girl! What’s the difference between setting a boundary and making a request for my preferences, then? Can’t I ask someone to stop something that annoys me?

YES! Make all the requests you want!

If someone is not crossing a physical or emotional boundary but is simply annoying you, choose to either share your time and energy with them, or not. Make a request, or not. Requests don’t have “consequences.” The person either does it or not, and you do the work to learn how to be happy either way.

If you choose to still be around them, let go of trying to change who they are.

Don’t forget to not let whether they comply or not affect your happiness or your sense of empowerment. It really isn’t appropriate to create boundary around something you’re simply being annoyed by. That’s usually solvable by you changing your thoughts about what’s going on and not taking them personally.

That can be a big-girl-panties concept, but I know you’ve got this;)

2) Boundaries (unlike simple requests) have a consequence that is about an action you will take, and you need to follow through on this. Using the example above, if your mom/partner/friend belittles you and you don’t hang up like you said you would, that removes the strength and purpose form the boundary. It also tends to eat away at your self-respect and self-esteem. You end up not trusting yourself, which is usually worse that the original breach of the boundary anyway.

3) The boundary does not come from a place of anger. Your happiness should not rely on this person’s actions. Therefore, the boundary is simply to honor yourself, and you can choose to not take it personally and step away from the unhealthy situation. No drama. Just, “No, thank you.”

Let’s see more examples of what this all looks like:

If you have a friend who is constantly late and this wears on your time and energy, you can choose to stay friends with her and say, “I get you’re often late, it’s what you do. But it’s hard for me when I waste my time when I’d rather spend time with you. So, if you are more than 15 minutes late, I’m going to leave.” Shazam! You honor who she is, and you honor your needs.

In this example, you are choosing to stay friends with this person, and creating a boundary that respects both your needs. You can also choose not to remain friends with this person if they don’t follow through. In either case, you can walk away – without drama.

In my relationship example in the beginning, choosing to leave when it was clear my emotional boundaries and trust were not being honored would have been better than trying to control someone else’s behavior. I could have said, “If x, y, z behavior continues, that doesn’t work for me.” Then I would have left – which ended up happening anyway – but it would have happened with me being in a much more empowered place – and much sooner. That would have saved both of us a lot of time and energy and suffering. And way less drama.

I know some of these concepts can be a bit WTF for you right now, but let it simmer awhile. Check it out and observe the difference between people setting healthy boundaries vs. trying to control someone else’s behavior. As one of my favorite spiritual teachers would tell me, “Check your mind. Check it for yourself.”

What are your deal-breakers that you’d like to set boundaries for? Are you able to differentiate between the need for boundaries vs making a request? If not, shoot me an email. Trust me – I’ve been there!

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Can I Trust You?

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
~ Spencer Johnson

The ability to trust in all our relationships – not just intimate ones – allows us to take the risks necessary to grow. In addition, knowing how we decide someone is trustworthy is ultimately not so important for “protecting” ourselves, but rather, in a Ziji Up! kind of way, to also know:

Are YOU the type of person people can trust?

This often is about living with integrity.

People want to know where you stand, what you value, and if you act accordingly. It isn’t so much even WHAT those specific values are, or even about always knowing what is “right” or “wrong” (which, by the way, is often a futile effort).

Rather, whether someone trusts you or not is more about if YOU know what you value, if that somehow includes consideration of others, if you act consistently in the things that matter, and if you’re honest with yourself and others.

That is what builds trust.

For example, in romantic partnerships, trust isn’t only about fidelity, even though that is the way it is often used. In reality, whether or not your partner can trust you is also about wanting to know if you’ll consistently show up fully and authentically in the relationship in the context of the values you share:

*Can I trust that you’ll be home on time for dinner as you said you would?

*Can I trust you’ll keep supporting me in pursuing my passions in life?

*Can I trust you to bring home your share of the money to pay our bills?

*Can I trust that you’ll not spend us into debt?

*Can I trust that you’ll watch the kids the way I do?

*Can I trust that you’ll do the laundry and not ruin my shirts?

*Can I trust that you’ll be open to making love with me tonight?

*Can I trust that you’ll be honest with me?

It is about knowing, “Can I count on you?”

The greatest benefit to living with integrity is that ultimately this leads to you having more trust in YOURSELF.

And when you have more trust in yourself, your Ziji grows, you are more confident. You are proud of who you are and how you are in the world.

Then you will take more important risks. And you will stretch. And grow. And live full-on.

Take the rest of this month to observe how consistent you are in your actions. When you find an inconsistency, what can you learn from that?

Is it harder to stay consistent when you’re worrying about what others might think?
When you’re feeling insecure?
When you’re worried about disappointing someone?
When you feel you might not be liked by someone anymore?
When it is inconvenient?
__________________________________


One of my favorite poems about “showing up” is The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (I know…woo woo name but awesome poem). I invite you to partake:



It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,”Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Letting Go Relationships That No Longer Serve You – Cord Cutting Meditation

Folks from the October Ziji Up! Challenge asked me to post a cord-cutting meditation here. This can help you energetically let go of relationships that no longer serve you, such as friendships you’ve outgrown, people that you want to push away in perhaps not-so-nice ways, and relationships that still seem to suck your energy and rock you emotionally long after they’ve ended. This is modified from meditations I’ve been taught by Sally Kempton and one written by Wil Berlinghof:

Visualize yourself in a favorite place that you also associate as a very safe and healing place. It may be an actual place or an imaginary one but what is of utmost importance is that you see it as a safe place.

Once in your safe place see yourself surrounded by a ball of pure white light. This ball of spiritual energy will both protect you and energize your efforts at cutting the cords of attachments to those individuals you wish to cut from. When you are ready, call forth the individual that you wish to cut the negative cords of attachments from.

Once you visualize the individual standing in front of you, look down and see the cord that exists between you. The cord will be attached from navel to navel and is usually dark and thick, although there can be variations on the theme. It is important to realize that you are only cutting the cords of attachment that detract or cause conflict in the relationship, not the positive ties of love and respect that exist between the individuals involved.

Next, look the person in the eye and in a powerful, strong, and clear voice, speak the unspeakable to the person that you are doing the cord cutting with. This means that you say anything and everything that you need to say in order to clear the slate and release all pent-up energies and emotions that you have been holding inside but have been unable to express for one reason or another. It is important that you speak in a Voice of Power and Command, even if you could never do so with the person in real life. Remember you are in a safe place and are protected.

Once you have spoken and there is nothing more that you wish to say, you can choose to hear the response of the other person. However, this is your choice and if you choose not to hear the other person this is perfectly alright. If you do choose to be open to a response you will only receive the inner truth of that person/soul, not the responses that you might normally expect from the person. Remember, you are not dealing with the real person but their spirit representation. They will speak only the truth to you if you are willing and able to engage. Once this stage has been completed it is time to move on to the cord cutting itself.

For this, visualize a crystal knife available to you, or another object that resonates with you for cutting the cord. Take it in whichever hand feels most comfortable. Speak your intent to cut the negative cord of attachment that exists between you and the individual. Holding the cord with your free hand, bring the crystal knife blade down to the cord. Hold the knife next to the body and when ready, cut down and through the cord. If you wish you can say: “I cut this cord of attachment with you”.

Once you have cut the cord on your side, you can offer the crystal knife to the other person so that they can cut the cord on their side. The individual may or may not choose to do so. If they do, watch the cord fall to the ground where it is transformed into hundreds of beautiful butterflies which flutter away, or watch them simply dissolve into the earth.

Once the cord has been cut, thank the individual and then send them on their way. If the individual does not choose to cut their side of the cord, wrap the cord around the individual and then banish them from your space. Again, use a Voice of Power to send them on their way.

You are now free to leave the space and end the meditation, or to repeat the procedure with someone else that you wish to cut cords with. You can do this exercise of release as often as you want with any individual you wish to clean up a relationship with. It is important to remember that this procedure only releases the negative attachments that drain, cripple and harm us in some way and not the positive, loving aspects of relationship. Also if you feel the need to re-cut any cords that have become re-attached for whatever reason, you can do so at your leisure.

It can also be powerful to do this meditation with a friend across from you acting as the person you are cutting the cord with. It is intense to look a real human in the eye and say the things you’ve always wanted to say, even though it isn’t the actual person you’re cutting the cords with.

“Car”ma, Community, and Connections

I’d been driving over the Siskiyou Pass towards San Francisco in my trusty 2008 Subaru Outback when I decided to christen her with the name “Rocinante.”  I hadn’t been inspired by a name until that drive. However, on this day, as I saw the volcanic valleys stretched before me and Mount Shasta boldly standing her ground, I was reminded of Don Quixote’s  companion horse (albeit a skinny one) named Rocinante, which happens to also be the namesake of Steinbeck’s camper truck in which he journeyed the country in Travels With Charley. I thought it fitting for the amazing adventures I’ve had–and was looking forward to having–with my earth-brown auto with “MIDWYF” plates.  Her trunk was perpetually filled with camping gear and toys for journeys into the mountains or to the ocean.

I don’t know if she took offense to the name, but Rocinante broke down suddenly and fiercely only a few days later on my way back to Oregon in Willows, CA, about an hour south of Chico. It was a dark and lonely night (really–it was!), and the gas station at which she blew two head gaskets was desolated and dimly lit with buzzing fluorescent lights. Many days later, we would discover she developed the auto-equivalent of a pulmonary embolism.  Her radiator suddenly and unexpectedly formed a plug that blocked all flow to the engine. Poor Rocinante…she sat steaming and gurgling at the Willows station until all that built up pressure and heat finally dissipated. When it did, the station seemed to slowly  fill with curious and chivalrous townsmen who hmmm’d and haaaa’d at her engine. The general consensus was that she was toast.

I managed to have her towed to the nearest Subaru dealer in Chico after a night at the Willows Holiday Inn Express. While the mechanics in Willows were kind and generous, they looked at her engine like it was made of laser beams and I had to bring her to the nearest qualified shop. I missed a day in clinic as I spent that Monday being told of the thousands of dollars I would have to pay if this ended up not being covered by Subaru or my insurance.

Later that day I rented a car, as loaner cars from the dealer could only go 100 miles from the shop (and Ashland was further than that!), the regional Subaru rep wasn’t going to cover a rental until they  decided what happened and who would pay for what, and my USAA auto insurance only covered car rental for incidents related to car accidents. My insurance rep did ask if a rodent had chewed through a hose or something. In that case, he said, it would be a covered condition (in addition to accidents). Hmmm. Sorry, no rodent. Just two blown head gaskets. I couldn’t wait for anyone to decide anything as I needed to get back to work,  so my trusty rental Ford Focus and I were introduced. I was afraid to name her lest she have the same reaction as Rocinante. We headed off, anonymously, into the night.

After ten days without Rocinante, I had to drive back down to Chico to drop off my rental car, as apparently the Enterprise rental company in Chico was too small to allow out-of-state drop-offs, and I was now granted a loaner car in Oregon (rental car still not covered…long story…). Rocinante was still in quarantine until the regional Subaru rep was able to examine her, and they hadn’t even started the repair, so I needed someone to come who would drive me back as well. Up for a ride, anyone? Anyone???????

In case you’re wondering, I recently found out Subaru is covering the whole repair as Rocinante was well-fed and cared for by Subaru here in Oregon, and the development of her condition remains a mystery. The things Subaru didn’t cover were finding people to drive back and forth with me to Chico to drop off rental cars and the like, finding people to lend me a car after driving back from Chico since I was on call that night and couldn’t pick up a loaner car until the next morning–but I still needed an emergency vehicle, and taking care of my sleep-deprivation from late nights far from home or while on call here delivering babies as the saga unfolded.

This is where I was reminded once again how misfortune can often open my eyes to the blessings in my life. Friends–people I’d known for years as well as those I’d only spent a few occasions with–rose to the terribly inconvenient situation and stepped up for me. Members of my community went out of their way to lend me their car, cook me a delicious home-made dinner after I arrived late from an 8-hour journey to Chico and back, and even drive with me (half the time by themselves!) on that 8 hour journey…and we weren’t even heading to Yosemite (which usually makes an 8-hour drive worth it). They woke up early to drop me off at the shop,  listened to me, supported me, rallied for me, laughed with me at the ridiculousness of all of it, and strategized the future of Rocinante. My partner, over 700 miles away, regularly kept track of my fiascoes and assured me all would be well. They helped me feel cared for.

To feel like a part of a community is a blessing, and one that has been relatively challenging to cultivate in my life as a part-time vagabond. I seem to be in and out of town with relative frequency (Ashland is the place I’ve lived the longest in my adult life!), and I often wonder what I can give back to people in my community during the often brief times we are able to share.

I’ve had far more serious challenges for which my friends have come forth: two diagnoses of cancer, a renal auto-transplant, my father’s passing to name a few, and I am reminded of the importance of offering true connection to the people in my life, because that is what was invaluable for me during those times. Not just pleasantries, but authentic connection. I think that as I write this, what I mean by connection is that the people we are interacting with feel seen and heard. And that means that we try to have to the wisdom to know what they need to feel that way–not just what we would need to feel that way in a similar moment.

My community grows deeper from shared connections. I have been gone a lot lately, and now that I’ll be around for the next couple of weeks, I am looking forward to helping those around me know what they mean to me…to feel cared for, seen and heard. We all deserve that, because each moment of this life is precious, and each one of us deserves to be uplifted and held by those close to us.

We humans love and live for connection–it’s not the  multiple superficial ones, but quality and authentic connections that truly sustain us. It would be unnecessary for someone we care about to feel taken for granted, so I encourage us all to set the intention to remember a little more often that the little connections matter, and to go out of our way to do something special for those in our lives. You can write a card and drop it off on the porch, make that phone call that seems there is no time for, buy them a copy of that book by the author they always talk about, have tea, send a funny photo, or simply–and perhaps most importantly–tell them authentically and with presence that they are important to you and why, and listen to them when they speak. Like the Tong-len meditations in Tibetan Buddhism, once we do that with the people close to us for which it might flow a little easier, we can then move on to help those with which we have seemingly brief and passing interactions to feel seen. We are all using our life force, in whatever we do and with whomever we are doing it with, and it is equally valuable to all of us. Let’s make it worthwhile!

Gratitude

The Vitamin D fix…it is amazing what a little bit of sun can do for the soul. I went to the Big island of Hawaii and then to Kauai a few weeks ago. We had a surreal time kayaking with dolphins in Kaelakekua Bay, snorkeling in crystal-clear waters with our kayaks tethered to our waists (no beaching or anchoring of kayaks is allowed in the marine preserve). We found hidden beaches off muddy 4WD roads and watched amazingly saturated sunsets with colors enriched by volcanic ash, beholding the burning red orb of our sun descending below the horizon. A helicopter ride into the other-worldly valleys of the Na Pali Coast sent us into meditation thousands of feet above the world that we’d hiked below. Quiet moments on deserted beaches–including the 15 (or is it 17?)-mile stretch of beach at Polihale State Park–are always such a surprise for an island that is a part of our normally crowded and busy US of A. I returned refreshed and renewed, appreciating the gifts of daily dips and playing in healing ocean waters, fresh and locally-grown food each day, and a slower pace of life.

Ultimately, this much-needed vacation was also a timely reminder to count my blessings. This journey and my subsequent return home allowed me to take inventory and truly see what was before me in the here and now, in my daily life, with my local community and family. I have a renewed appreciation for my close group of friends and the beautiful valley I live in, where I can access organic and local food at our farmer’s markets or the Ashland Food Co-op, take daily trail runs in the mountains, go xc skiing in the afternoons, and not have to rush around to find parking every day. I can walk to my dear friends’ homes, sleep with a clear starry sky above, and spend a quiet evening away from traffic and smog. I returned to snow and crisp air…and feel enlivened! It’s nice when it feels good to come home.

Consider starting a gratitude journal. Studies have shown that people who keep gratitude journals or have some kind of gratitude practice for only 15 minutes a week have higher rates of happiness and less risk of depression. Wake up in the morning and take a few minutes to state (verbally or internally) what you’re grateful for–even if it is as simple as having woken up. Never take that for granted! Or, write in a journal once a week listing your blessings: your family, a roof over your head, your dearest friend(s), food in your stomach. Whatever it is, you deserve to remind yourself of your blessings…they are there! Feel that fully, and bring it into the New Year.