The Surprising Reason Why Your Feelings Get Hurt

If you’re like most humans, when someone does something “mean” or says something negative about you, it can hurt your feelings. Sometimes, it can hurt a lot. Like, pizza-box-on-the-floor and-wine-bottles-strewn-about a lot.

In general, we see this “hurt” reaction as totally normal (unless you’re a sociopath or narcissist who couldn’t care less).

Example: Joe says Sally’s homemade essential oils smell like ass.

Sally feels a metaphorical punch in the gut (and feels sick to her stomach).

She complains about Joe’s hurtful comment to her friend.

They both agree he’s an insensitive jerk.

Makes sense, right? Most people would agree that encountering jerks can lead to being hurt. In fact, we blame a whole lot of hurt on other people – “mean” people, “selfish” people, narcissists.

But here’s the truth: the real reason it hurts is because of what we think about what they said.

It hurts because of the story we make up about what it means that they said that.

We know all this somewhere deep down, right?

While you may have heard all that before… here’s one surprising reason it hurts:

It hurts because often, a teeny tiny (or not so tiny) part of us believes IT MIGHT BE TRUE.

“No way, Ana! I don’t believe my essential oils smell like ass, and it still hurts my feelings when people say that!” Sally might say.

Hmmm. Let’s break this down into smaller bites.

First, as grown ups, we are learning that other people don’t “make” us feel a certain way. We are in control of how we feel. To brush up on this concept, check out this blog post.

Second, we can likely agree that Sally makes Joe not liking her essential oils mean something about who she is, something about her sense of self worth or confidence. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t care. If you’ve been reading my blog long enough, you’ve already got this down (if not, you may want to check out this confidence course).

However, the graduate school level of understanding our suffering steps into the next phase.

Do you know how someone that was 100% sure that their essential oils didn’t smell like ass would likely react? They’d think, “He’s got horrible taste! Sucks to be him!” Or, “Joe is freakin’ crazy. His nose must be broken.” Or, “Whatever, Joe. Next!” and they’d saunter on over to another friend’s house.

That’s right. If you didn’t have a sliver of doubt that what the other person was saying was not possibly true, if Sally did not believe – on some level – that what Joe said might be valid, it wound bounce off like the proverbial rubber.

Check out this ad that the LDS church took out in the program for the Broadway musical I just saw, The Book of Mormon, where the entire show makes fun of their religion.

Not that defensive, right? They can laugh about it because they believe none of it is true! They’re like, “Whatever, y’alls are crazy! People are going to LOVE the real book.” (the small print actually reads, “The musical is entertaining. The book is life changing.”)

Here’s another example that’s a bit more concrete: Let’s say your hair isn’t blue (and if you’re one of my rad clients with blue hair, just play with this for a minute;).

Someone on the street says, “Your blue hair is so fugly it makes me want to hurl!”

You’d be like, “Wow, that person is whacked.” And proceed to cross over to the other side of the street.

You can very easily feel unphased about this situation and your awesome hair because you know your hair isn’t blue. (I can see minds blowing. It’s OK. It hurts just in the beginning. Just a little.)

I know it feels a whole lot easier to want to blame the mean people, the jerks, the people who’ve got you all wrong. But trust me – life is actually a whole lot easier when you take ownership over your thoughts. When you free your mind from stories and insecurities and patterns that don’t serve you. When you free your mind from limiting beliefs.

Don’t focus on protecting yourself from the mean girls.

Focus on that lovely ball of brilliance inside your skull – your brain, your thoughts, your beliefs. That’s the only thing keeping you from freeing your Whole. Damn. Life.

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Pssst. If you want help creating the life of your dreams, schedule a free strategy session with me by clicking here. I’ll show you how it’s possible to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

One Major Way You’re Sabotaging Your Relationships – and How to Stop

Let me just start out by stating the obvious: relationships are hard. Anyone who says, “Oh, but they don’t have to be,” has either never been in a passionate one, or is full of sh*t.

It totally makes sense that they’re hard.

We take two mammals with sub-optimal communication skills (aka “language”) and some serious evolutionary biology along with a high likelihood of experiences of trauma with people they’ve trusted, and stick them together.

Then we expect them to go against everything their evolutionary brain has learned about being safe and avoiding discomfort or difficulty so they can experience some sense of…connection and love…and geez, it’s no wonder we can get into it with our significant other.

So let’s just remember: There’s nothing wrong with your relationship just because it’s hard.

However, what’s is wrong with most relationships is that we don’t let the other person be who they are.

We have a Manual for them. We have a long list – conscious or not – of how we think they should behave. How they should treat us when we come home from work. How they should react when we cry. What they should give us for our birthday. What kind of father or mother they should be. How they should smell (or not smell). How much sex we will have with them and what that sex is like. How much money they should spend and on what kinds of things.

“Oh Ana, but I am an exception. I don’t have a Manual for my partner!”

People who say this usually do so because thus far, their partner is following their Manual.

We usually don’t know we have one until it’s not being followed.

If you think you don’t have a Manual, just imagine your partner coming home and not doing everything you like them doing. If they normally cook you dinner, imagine them stopping. If they normally plan fun adventures with you, imagine them becoming a couch potato. If you normally have sex three or four times a week, imagine it dropping to once a season. If they usually end texts with the heart emoticon, imagine them changing it to goats and chickens. If they are always on time, imagine them being late. Always. By a lot.

You might be wondering why Manuals are even a problem. Don’t they just help us get our needs met?

No.

That’s another misconception about Manuals. They aren’t filled with objective “rules” that are legit. They are filled with expectations we have to protect us from feeling bad.

Requests are what help us get our needs met.

Manuals create suffering when we believe they should be followed in order for us to be happy.

Requesting that your partner not be late helps you get your needs met.

Getting pissed when they are always late because in your Manual they are supposed to be on time makes you unhappy. Again, you are not unhappy because they are late. You are unhappy because you expected them to be on time.

(I know. Crazy. We’ll do a call on this soon, because I know some of y’all are like WTF???!!!)

The other reason Manuals create problems is because people evolve. Well, at least people change (Freedom Junkies evolve;). When people change, the Manual doesn’t allow them to act differently. This rocks the boat, even if there isn’t anything fundamentally “wrong” with the change itself. I see this all the time in my coaching clients. They evolve. They start doing things differently. They are no longer following their partners’ manual.

Boom! Shit explodes.

When we decide to love someone, we need to also decide to let them be them. It’s really the mature thing to do, and the way a true Freedom Junkie walks their talk. The most freeing thing we can offer another human being is to let them be them and love them for it.

This does not mean you don’t make requests. It just means you don’t let yourself get all victimized and bent out of shape when the other person doesn’t fulfill them.

Some people ask me, “But don’t I have a right to have certain needs?” Girlfriend, yes. But you don’t have a right to make other people meet them. Ultimately, meeting your needs is up to you.

Plus, when you make your happiness depend on another person’s actions, you are giving all you power away. To them! To something you have NO control over! We don’t ever have control of other people, no matter how much we’d like to believe differently.

Trust me. I’ve been through this debate. I wish my husband was home more instead of up in the sky with his paraglider waaaay out of cell phone range in another time zone all the time, and I feel more than entitled to bitch about it. I wish my mother didn’t criticize me so much when I called her on the phone. I wish so many people who did things that I thought were f*cked up would just stop because “most people” would agree that I was right.

Well, “most people” aren’t who you chose to be your person to walk this life with right now.

If you are choosing to be with someone, then let them be them. Make your requests. They will either honor them or not. They get to be them – another adult, just like you, being them.

Choose to stay or go. But if you choose to stay, let them be who they are. Learn to give yourself what you need so that you aren’t relying on someone else for your happiness.

If you aren’t getting anything out of the relationship and want to go, then by all means go! But know that unless you’ve cleaned up your thoughts about what a partner “should” be doing for you – e.g. if you think they are there to protect you from feeling bad – you will likely repeat these same patterns in the next relationship.

Our relationships aren’t there to protect us from doing hard things, feeling hard feelings, or facing our bullshit.

In my mind, relationships are there to push our edge. To challenge us to grow. To help us evolve and learn how to free our minds so we can love wholeheartedly. Ultimately, this extends to all our relationships – friends, parents, siblings, colleagues…all the silly humans.

Chuck the Manuals.

It will actually free you up to love so much more deeply and freely.

And don’t worry – you will still be OK. If you’re doubting it, then we’ve got some work to do together on building up your self confidence – your ziji – so that you believe you are 100% capable of taking care of your emotional needs. Then, the other people in your life? They become people who are there to make life even more juicy.

Instead of your emotional caretakers, they become the cream cheese icing on that gluten-free Freedom Junkie cake of yours.

Yummmm.

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Letting Go of Outdated Dreams

Did you know I used to live out of my 1997 Volvo station wagon? For 7 years it served me well. There was just enough room for me to curl up in my sleeping bag, and I had two small crates of clothes and a HUGE bin of climbing gear. Colorful prayer flags streamed from my roof rack, and my friends could find me by looking for these flags in any crag parking lot.
Later I lived out of a large 1990s Dodge Ram 15-passenger van, lovingly named Chomolungma (the local name for Mount Everest). She was a beautiful baby blue, and eventually died a peaceful death as I was driving her across the Bay Bridge in San Francisco.
Since then, I’ve often blogged about how I missed living simply in that way – having everything I needed in my vehicle so I could drive anywhere on a moment’s notice.
Recently, I ended up buying a 2003 Ford Econoline 350 Sportsmobile van, a beast of a van whom I appropriately named Mama Bear. I’m having the best time playing with her! It was a great decision – the freedom she offers me and my family when we travel is fan-freakin-tastic. (In case you’re wondering, I’m not going to use the #vanlife hashtag here – it feels weird for me, since living out of vehicles has been a mainstay for climbers for decades, and I feel I am returning home vs joining a new movement ;).

It feels good to be home.

Why have I decided to go retro (for me) with my travels and adventures?
Part of the reason is I realized some of my dreams of the adventurous life I wanted to live with my family were outdated. 
In my 20s and 30s, I felt the most adventurous way to travel was to go far (ideally at least 9 time zones away) and long (5-6 weeks minimum).
I also still had my dirtbag mentality that if I was going to spend $1800 on a plane ticket, I better make it worth it and stay as long as possible. That makes a lot of sense when you only make $1800 a month as a climbing guide. Not so much now in my life.
My husband and I stuck to these far-and-long travel goals really well – even after our daughter was born. Twice a year we would go to Asia or Africa with her for 4-6 weeks, plus many shorter trips in-between. I felt so…unconventional!
Until I didn’t.
Instead, I discovered I started to feel freakin’ stressed about it!
I was definitely the primary caregiver on trips, and while my husband paraglided, I was often alone with my kiddo in a foreign land. It was somewhat boring a lot of the time since I was limited in what I could do with a toddler, and I craved adult conversations and a good friend, despite the epic surroundings and amazing cultures I was experiencing.
I also enjoyed working on my business on these trips, since that’s a long time to go without creating something fun for my peeps. Slow internet in these remote areas (if I was lucky to have it at all) totally stressed me out. I am not as patient with technology as I used to be).
For some reason, I didn’t “need” 4-6 weeks off anymore either. That might have something to do with not being able to do 30-day expeditions as much;)
With a kid, I also found that returning from long trips abroad meant messed up sleep schedules for her (and therefore me) for a long time. It also meant the house was a shit-show while I unpacked from being gone for so long. Inevitably some plant died or some house item broke while we were away, and I’d have to deal with a broken hot water heater or a clogged up toilet on top of everything else.
I eventually realized that for this stage of my life, I wanted to take vacations with friends and be completely unplugged – for shorter periods of time.
Gasp!
I wanted to not have my travels completely throw me off my game anymore. I love creating through my work, and work wasn’t something I needed to escape for as long anymore. I love serving others. And I didn’t need to be away from friends and family for long periods of time either (must be that I am intentionally creating my community to be full of pretty rad people!).
I would rather hang out with a girlfriend and my kiddo gazing up at steep granite peaks from an alpine tarn in the Sierra Nevada mountains of California than chill out above a glacier in the Himalaya sans a friend.
Conversely, I’d rather go to the Himalaya and be there 2.5 weeks completely unplugged than try to stress about internet connections and finding friends to hang out with for an additional month.
It took a lot to accept this shift, and I’m still integrating it.
I had to let go of an identity and a judgement that if I wasn’t doing something utterly exotic far away and for over a month, I wasn’t leading a truly adventurous life. Sure, other people could think car camping was adventurous, but I had the belief that I was supposed to be an example of what level of adventure was possible with a family. I believe am that…but the way I was doing it was no longer honoring my new evolving self.
Recently I was sitting at an alpine tarn with a wise friend celebrating my birthday when she reflected back to me that indeed, it can be hard to let go of outdated dreams. That phrase hit me like a train.
Outdated dreams.
Exactly! That’s what was going on!
I was trying to live a dream that no longer applied to who I had evolved into.
I was resisting this new desire because instead of seeing that I evolved into a new person, I thought I was de-volving into a more …boring person.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Me trying to live an outdated dream had me feeling incomplete and stressed.
Embracing my new dreams – adventures with friends and being totally unplugged on those adventures so I could be fully present the entire time – has me feeling excited and passionate about my travel again.
I’ve got a road trip planned in Mama Bear this November, and I’m going to leave her with some friends in New Mexico and drive her to my slice of heaven in Baja come Spring. I’m going to head to Asia or Africa or South America next year and plan to meet up with friends and stay for less time so I don’t need to be plugged in at all while there. I’m going to be so much more relaxed on those trips and just allow myself to savor every moment.
I am so fucking psyched.
What dream are you holding onto that you’ve outgrown?
Are you telling yourself you “should” hold onto it because you’d be failing if you let it go?
Could it be that instead, you have evolved into a new version of yourself with different needs and different dreams that are just as valid and perhaps even more thrilling?
Try to see what happens when you let go of that outdated dream and live into new ones. What happens when you honor yourself and what you want…now?
For me, so far, so freakin‘ good!

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

the power of The Pause

I just got back celebrating my birthday with some serious outdoor time in the Wrangell-St. Elias National Park and then the east side of the Sierra Nevada in California (my absolute favorite place in the world). Can you say Endless Seas of Granite? My idea of HEAVEN <3

I meditated daily during this break, and I tell you – when I got back, I was a hell of a lot more patient with the world. Way more than I would have been had I just been hiking but not meditating.

Those of you who’ve worked with me know I incorporate mindfulness and meditation into my coaching programs.

Why is it that on top of encouraging my clients to have daily (and epic) adventures and to live unconventional + unapologetically authentic lives would I incorporate something as seemingly…”boring” as meditation?

The Power of the Pause.

Here’s the deal: once you start doing the hard work and pushing yourself to grow and evolve and shed the bullshit so you can be the most authentic version of you, you start to pay attention to how you think and how you feel.

On this path, we need to get curious about our thoughts and feelings because it is precisely these thoughts and feelings that get in the way of our evolution, of making the best choices for ourselves and taking a new path instead of the old ones that keep taking us down the same boring lane we are so sick of.

The hard truth is that most of us will find that many of our thoughts are about how inadequate or undeserving we are. We find that our feelings are often…shitty ones. Boredom. Anxiety. Loneliness. Anxiety. Anger. Anxiety. (can you tell which one I most struggle with?)

So why would we want to do something like meditate and intentionally spend time noticing and experiencing those thoughts and emotions? Why would we ever want to do something that felt so…uncomfortable?

Becoming aware of these negative thoughts and feelings is not optional if you want to evolve. It is a necessity.

We may feel we don’t have any control over our thoughts and feelings. However, once we recognize them, we DO have more control over how we respond to them.

At first there is just a millisecond between a thought and feeling before we take an action. Often, we aren’t even aware of the thought or feeling we have before we react…which is why our actions are often inappropriate or not in our best interests.

When someone is rude to us, we think “what a jerk!” and we might yell or just be pissed for the rest of the morning. If only we knew they just found out the love of their life was leaving them for another person. If we chose to have a different thought about them instead – one that gave them the benefit of the doubt – we’d respond differently. We’d also feel differently about the situation.

So how do we lengthen that pause?

Mindfulness. And Meditation.

These are the ONLY things I have found that help me stretch the time between a shitty thought or feeling, and the way I respond.

The more I meditate, the more I notice, “Interesting. I wonder why I am choosing to interpret things this way?” and I remember that my response is based on how I am thinking about the situation, rather that what is actually going on.

Eventually, after practicing meditation regularly (even for only 10 minutes a day), we can add a few more milliseconds between our thoughts and feelings and our actions.

That can make all the difference.

We can make better choices about how we want to think about the situation, or at the very least, choose a healthier response. One that makes us proud about how we showed up in the world.

Let’s face it: the world needs more people who care about how they show up.

We really only just need a smidge of time between our thoughts and what we do. Enough time to have a Pause. Enough time to make a better choice.

Sometimes (or often) my insight comes after the event. I still give myself credit for that, because hey, life is hard enough. But the more I practice, the better I get.

The times I let my practice slide, the less compassionate I am in the world. I just don’t have as much ability to see the other person’s perspective, or the bigger picture of a hard situation I am in. No bueno.

If meditation isn’t your thing, start with just trying to be more mindful. Savor that mango. That glass of wine. That sunset.

Take pauses throughout the day and try to notice things with every sense available to your body – the weight of your body being pulled by the earth, the texture of the ground you are on or the clothes you are wearing, the sounds around you, don’t just see the tree but also see the individual leaves and their textures and how they move in the wind; take in the scent of the air (or your b.o. if you were stuck in a tent during a thunderstorm like I was ;).

Just noticing LIFE more will help you notice your mind more.

Pick something right now that you are going to notice every single detail about – even if only for 5 seconds. Your breath passing in and out of your nose? A kiss? Cuddling with your furry friend? It’s not too hard to start.

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

what makes your soul sing?

Today marks my 45th trip around the sun. Whoa!

This year I’ve tried to think about how to celebrate by focusing on what is really important to me, based on my own experience of what I know makes me truly happy, content, and living with a sense of purpose. Here’s a few of the things I’ve lined up, and why. I hope it helps you create more moments of meaningfulness in your life!

After all – life is too short to be spending most of your time doing shit you don’t want to be doing

TIME IN THE MOUNTAINS WITH GOOD FRIENDS

Today I’m going to spend time outdoors with a group of wild woman I love. Tomorrow I leave for a backpacking trip through the Sierra Nevada in California, with a dear friend of mine. Mountain time is important. Friends are important.

We’re heading to the east side, where there’s a slip fault and the mountains shoot straight up from the valley floor. I don’t like hiking in trees that much because I love vast, open views, so the east side of the Sierra feels just right to me. You get above treeline after some serious effort up steep slopes – and it’s well worth it. This place and it’s abundant granite are where my soul feels most content.

I had first wanted to spend tonight eating oysters and drinking champagne with my friends, which I definitely also love – but those things don’t make my soul sing. I want to spend my precious time doing what makes my soul sing, and today my soul wanted mountains (maybe after the hike, the oysters and champagne will take front seat;)

Do you have a place where you feel absolutely at peace and magical? Where is that? How can you spend more time there? How could you possibly…live there? A place where you feel free, where you can adventure (your way) and feel alive, is essential.

Do you have a friend who deeply understands you? Who makes you feel good about yourself? Who is easy to listen to and give generously to – and who gives back? How can you spend more time with them? How can you find someone like that – or build a tribe of more people like that? Your success and happiness are largely correlated with the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely.

YOGA

After I write this, I am heading to yoga. It’s one of the few things in my life that has remained a constant source of support and rejuvenation. I took my first class at UC Santa Cruz when I was 18, and have never looked back.

What is a reliable source of nourishment – body and soul – for you? How can you tap into this more often?

Spend more time on what’s important. You need to schedule it. Prioritize it. Only then will it happen.

MEDITATION

Whether I like to admit it or not, my ability to be kind, present, patient and generous is largely dependent on how much energy I put into my spiritual practice (and not just reading spiritual books). A huge part of that is meditation. The times when I’ve been most proud of how I showed up in the world have been when I have made the time to meditate – especially when doing this Tonglen meditation I learned when I was 19 years old (this is a link to a guided meditation I did with a group on a retreat I led at Breitenbush in Oregon).

I think meditation works for me because of the way it helps me pause before reacting in a way that’s not in alignment with how I want to be in the world, and how it helps me step back and get perspective on what is really going on – seeing things as they are, without the drama and story I create around them. Tonglen in particular helps to heal painful relationships for me – and this is often a source of much of our suffering. It helps me feel more genuine compassion and love – even for people I may not be feeling warm and fuzzy about.

What helps you show up to be the best version of yourself? What helps you be more compassionate, loving, kind, and generous? Do that. You’ll always be glad you showed up as a good person.

TIME WITH FAMILY (I wouldn’t have said this 20 years ago)

I’ve had a complicated history around my family. Once I turned 18, I couldn’t wait to leave the chaos and abuse of my younger years, moving out shortly after my birthday that year. Later, I was able to heal my relationships with my parents and with the neighborhood that brought me so much stress and violence. Not too long ago, my relationship with my mother got complicated again, and then she died. It was bad timing, but death is known for that.

This is my first birthday without my mother, who is the one and only person who never, ever forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I miss her dearly. I wish I had been able to show up better, to meditate more, work less, be more patient. But alas, I was struggling with postpartum depression and having to provide for my family as the primary breadwinner – a new and sleep-deprived mom – during her last years.

I’m only human, and I’m sure as hell not perfect. But I do see the importance of cultivating a loving family that feels good to come home to, and showing up for them in a way I can feel proud of. I’m trying my best. I brought my kiddo to camp late today so we could cuddle longer and share kisses and eat capers and lox together and walk at a leisurely pace, stopping to check out the fireweed blooms. I’ll spend more time with her and my husband after I get my massage this afternoon;)

I’m also going to try to forgive and let go of the shit that keeps me from loving fully.

It’s too heavy a burden.

Who is the “family” you are choosing to create? You get to choose many of them now that you’re all grown up.

Are you happy in your community? Are you showing up like you want to for your loved ones?

If you died today, would you have said what you needed to say to the people you care about? Do you need to cut the energetic cord between you and another person?

DANCING WILDLY

Dancing in the only thing missing from my agenda for today that would totally make me happy, so I’ve scheduled it for when I get back from my backpacking trip. I’m not talking ecstatic dance at 9am or salsa classes after dinner. I’m talking thumping sweating jumping head-banging spinning howling bring it on electronica latin club ska hip hop anything that’s got good rhythm with my ladies yet by myself in the middle of the dance floor appearing so wild that no one dare come near me kind of dancing. I can’t wait!

These are some of the relatively small things I’ve chosen to do, but they hold a lot of power for me.

I hope these ideas help you start moving towards a life that is more in alignment with who you are and what you want from this precious life. Life is too short for anything else.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

Take Imperfect Action – You Never Know What Will Happen!

In my writing group, I was given the task to share a painful memory I had from middle school. If your middle school years were anything like mine, you can understand why it didn’t take long for me to come up with one.

When I was between clients, I wrote a short piece about a time when my best friend had abandoned me and proceeded to shame me. I felt devastatingly alone.

While writing, I didn’t over-think it, I didn’t re-write it, and I certainly didn’t submit it with the thought it would get published. What I did do was tell myself that I was going to write regularly, and submit regularly, and let go of things needing to be perfect.

Guess what?! The piece turned out to be the first article I’ve ever had published!

This affirmed for me that the level of time, energy, suffering, and pain that we put into something does not directly correlate with whether someone will like it or not.

Yes, I have worked very hard and achieved some great life goals as a result…and sometime things – especially when inspired – can affect people in ways you never would have imagined, even if it feels easy.

I don’t think this was the best thing I’ve ever written. I kind of wish one of the other pieces I’ve submitted was accepted instead. But I’m going to soak it up and enjoy this moment.

I want you to remember that you never know how something you say, do, write, or create will impact someone else. Something that you think is “nothing” can change someone’s life. Something you think is “not so impressive” can actually inspire others.

Try out what I did – commit to taking action every day towards your passions.

Hit the metaphorical (or actual) submit button. See what happens.

You never know!

Check out my article here. It’s over in Elephant Journal, one of the few online magazines I actually read.

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

being a “hypocrite” isn’t as bad as it seems

Religion and sex. Discipline and wildness. Security and freedom. There are dichotomies everywhere. It’s nature. Yin and Yang.

However, in the culture a lot of us live in, it is considered hypocritical to stand with one foot in each of these contrasting spaces. We are encouraged – and often forced – to choose one or the other.

How can you be a Buddhist who eats meat? That’s so hypocritical!

How can you be all about freedom, then tell me I have to have more discipline in my life?

How can you claim to prioritize your children’s security, yet want to get a divorce and quit your job?

How can you be Jewish and respect Islam? Crazy!

There isn’t much room for holding opposites or contrasts in the same space – yet this is often where the deep work happens. The stuff that changes us, evolves us, strengthens us.

You may be familiar with this image: 

This is the Taoist tai chi, or yin-yang, symbol that reflects a fundamental truth of life – that life is full of polarities. The opposites, at their extremes, evolve into the other. Each has a part of its opposite within itself as well. You can’t have one without the other. They need each other. Like light needs darkness to exist.

When I was in the desert on a wilderness fast, there was a beautiful man in our group who was desperately torn between two very powerful forces in his life: one was of him as an influential and prominent community leader and role model, and the other as a sensual polyamorous lover (note: aspects of this story have been changed to respect privacy). He simply could not see how he could choose between these two very potent parts of his life. He saw them as completely opposite and utterly divergent realities (and perhaps you do as well). His soul was fraught with the thought of having to let one go, yet he felt so hypocritical being both at the same time. His suffering was palpable.

All of us spend more time in a similar space than we may realize. Perhaps you’re like me, leading a primarily healthy life (even coaching others to do so) and then you head into the fast food restaurant, in shame. Or you post on Facebook about all your time in the mountains and doing yoga on standup paddle boards…and then you binge on 8 hours of Netflix the next day, not telling a soul.

Or perhaps you love your family, yet you feel your soul will wither and die if you don’t go back to school or on that month-long retreat or travel the world… which means less time with your family.

Why, Freedom Junkies!? Why do we feel we need to be so…boring?

‘Cuz sister, being so predictable is actually quite boring. And us humans are definitely not boring.

Some people may say the sense of hypocrisy we feel when we hold two opposed beliefs has to do with integrity. I challenge that. Integrity is not about moral perfection. At least not entirely. While one definition is “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness,” another is “the state of being whole and undivided.”

It’s the attempts at dividing who we are into pieces and then neglecting them that tear us apart. It’s ignoring our complexity and diversity that truly harms our integrity – our ability to be whole.

I propose we all spend more time in the middle of the mandorla of these complexities. A mandorla is an image that can be used to demonstrate the concept that there is a space of overlap between two seemingly-opposed or contrasting realities (in this example, it’s Heaven and Earth, but you can use any contrasting thoughts/beliefs/constellations of your being). When we can stand in the center, without seeing two seemingly dissonant concepts as mutually exclusive, we can start to be…real. Whole. Authentic. Imperfectly perfect.

The mandorla is where the dance between the contrast occurs.

What seemingly contradictory beliefs, thoughts, or aspects of your being do you have in your life that are difficult to reconcile? Is there anything that you are feeling you have to choose between because it seems so contradictory to be both?

Whenever we see things as “it is EITHER this way OR that way,” there is a closing up of the heart and mind going on. Be open to the idea that we can hold two ideas at once. That we can BE two things at once. I believe it is in this space that the good work is done.

If you have two parts of you that feel at odds, that are tearing you apart, it’s really important that you begin to explore that.

If you have a belief that two things are irreconcilable, I recommend the mandorla as well.

Try this mandorla activity that I learned from one of my mentors, Bill Plotkin:

:: Sit on the floor or in a chair. Mentally place one of these aspects of yourself on your right, and the other on your left.

:: Then, pick one of the sides, walk over into its space, and advocate for it to the other side. Really milk it. Make the most hard-core arguments you can for why that side is “right.” Think of everything you can. All the low-blows. All the things your mother or priest or sister or boss would want you to say (if applicable;).

:: Next, go to the opposite side, and do the same for that opposite aspect of yourself. Full-on, pedal-to-the-metal, no B.S. championing for that side.

:: Then, when you feel complete, sit in the middle, in the mandorla. It will often feel very uncomfortable. If so, do the activity again, arguing again for each side. Then once again, sit in the middle. Keep doing this until you feel all arguments have been made, both sides fully “heard.”

Eventually, in the mandorla, you will likely start to see that things are really not as they seem. They are not as black and white as you thought. They are not as…contradictory. They are actually not so separate.

When you arrive at a place where you can embrace these separate aspects of you, you are not being a hypocrite. A hypocrite is “a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.” When you act in a way that ignores your beliefs or feelings, that is being hypocritical. When you accept yourself entirely, you are not acting hypocritically.

You are…human. Complex. And now, whole. In integrity.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

How To Set Boundaries That Actually Work

Do you remember how proud you were when you set your first “healthy boundary?” I do.

I remember finally planting my metaphorical foot down after months of frustration. I told someone I was dating that I wasn’t going to tolerate anymore flaking or not showing up when he said he would. I deserved my time to be respected. I set my boundary and … he listened!

Well done! I thought to myself. Should have done that months ago!

But…he didn’t listen for long. In the end it was a battle of me re-setting boundaries, trying to control his behavior, then him complying…and eventually breaking them again. Then I’d withdraw to “enforce” the boundary…rinse, repeat.

When I was first taught about boundaries, it was in the context of women who do too much for other people, and not enough for themselves. It came across to me that I had to be firm and defend myself against others asking me to do things I didn’t want to do, or allowing them to act in ways that were not healthy for me. Sounds like a good idea right?

While that sounds like a really good idea on the surface, the way I was doing it ended up leading to not-so-good things for everyone involved. Things like Anger. Frustration. Control.

That last one is the biggest thing – it turns out unbeknownst to me, I was using boundaries to control other people’s behavior. I was giving ultimatums like “you do/don’t do this…or else!” This is not a healthy way to set boundaries – yet it is the way most of us were taught to set them.

Most of us set boundaries based on how we can change how someone else behaves, and not on our power of choice and agency to do what is best for us.

The healthy way to create boundaries necessitates remembering a very important thing: that boundaries are all about YOUR behavior.

Whaaaaat?! That’s right. The focus of a healthy boundary is actually not about the other person doing or not doing what you want at all. They are all grown up, and whether you like it or not, they “get” to do whatever they want. I know. It sounds crazy. But stick with me for a long minute;)

A healthy boundary is all about what you are going to do. It is a consequence you set that is completely based on an action you will take.

For example, if your mother is constantly belittling you when she calls, you can create a boundary. You can say, “Mom, it is not OK for you to belittle me when we talk. I love you, but if you start to do that, I will let you know I am going to hang up, and we can talk again when belittling isn’t part of the conversation.”

Then, if she does it again, you say, “OK mom, I love you, and I’m going to hang up now. When you’re ready to talk without doing that, we can chat again.”

You don’t continue to try to change her or “make her stop.” You just take care of yourself.

You may have noticed a few other things in this example:

1) The boundary isn’t about something petty. Some people want to set boundaries around things like getting people to stop giving them unsolicited advice, or doing something annoying like talking too loudly. That is actually attempting to control someone and not letting them be themselves – which is not OK.

Boundaries are set for big-deal items: emotional or physical boundaries. People do not get to hit you. People do not get to emotionally abuse you (like the belittling in the example above). People do not get to break your trust.

You may wonder – Hold on, girl! What’s the difference between setting a boundary and making a request for my preferences, then? Can’t I ask someone to stop something that annoys me?

YES! Make all the requests you want!

If someone is not crossing a physical or emotional boundary but is simply annoying you, choose to either share your time and energy with them, or not. Make a request, or not. Requests don’t have “consequences.” The person either does it or not, and you do the work to learn how to be happy either way.

If you choose to still be around them, let go of trying to change who they are.

Don’t forget to not let whether they comply or not affect your happiness or your sense of empowerment. It really isn’t appropriate to create boundary around something you’re simply being annoyed by. That’s usually solvable by you changing your thoughts about what’s going on and not taking them personally.

That can be a big-girl-panties concept, but I know you’ve got this;)

2) Boundaries (unlike simple requests) have a consequence that is about an action you will take, and you need to follow through on this. Using the example above, if your mom/partner/friend belittles you and you don’t hang up like you said you would, that removes the strength and purpose form the boundary. It also tends to eat away at your self-respect and self-esteem. You end up not trusting yourself, which is usually worse that the original breach of the boundary anyway.

3) The boundary does not come from a place of anger. Your happiness should not rely on this person’s actions. Therefore, the boundary is simply to honor yourself, and you can choose to not take it personally and step away from the unhealthy situation. No drama. Just, “No, thank you.”

Let’s see more examples of what this all looks like:

If you have a friend who is constantly late and this wears on your time and energy, you can choose to stay friends with her and say, “I get you’re often late, it’s what you do. But it’s hard for me when I waste my time when I’d rather spend time with you. So, if you are more than 15 minutes late, I’m going to leave.” Shazam! You honor who she is, and you honor your needs.

In this example, you are choosing to stay friends with this person, and creating a boundary that respects both your needs. You can also choose not to remain friends with this person if they don’t follow through. In either case, you can walk away – without drama.

In my relationship example in the beginning, choosing to leave when it was clear my emotional boundaries and trust were not being honored would have been better than trying to control someone else’s behavior. I could have said, “If x, y, z behavior continues, that doesn’t work for me.” Then I would have left – which ended up happening anyway – but it would have happened with me being in a much more empowered place – and much sooner. That would have saved both of us a lot of time and energy and suffering. And way less drama.

I know some of these concepts can be a bit WTF for you right now, but let it simmer awhile. Check it out and observe the difference between people setting healthy boundaries vs. trying to control someone else’s behavior. As one of my favorite spiritual teachers would tell me, “Check your mind. Check it for yourself.”

What are your deal-breakers that you’d like to set boundaries for? Are you able to differentiate between the need for boundaries vs making a request? If not, shoot me an email. Trust me – I’ve been there!

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Dealing With Guilt

There was a time when I could say with conviction that I had no regrets. Back then, it was primarily because I was able to conjure up a ton of self-compassion and realize that I was, despite my flaws, always doing my best. And that’s all we really can do.

Right?…

Well…lately that thought hasn’t been able to help my sense of regret go away. At all. The self-compassion was getting pretty hard to dig up.

I’ve been having a lot of guilt around my mother’s death and how I don’t think I showed up the way I’d have liked to. And I really needed to turn that around because it wasn’t serving me or my community to be wallowing in it.

All through the years I called my mom, I texted her, I asked her to move in (but Alaska is a hard place to convince an Islander like her to move to), I’d fly her up to Alaska 7 weeks at a time a few times a year. I even FaceTimed with her the day she died when we were in Morocco, calling her even though I knew it was 2am in California. I told her I loved her…but not like it was the last time I’d ever say it.

But while I was a good daughter on the phone, when we were together I wasn’t always the nicest (we have a complicated history). In fact, even though I always apologized right after, I could also be downright mean. And during my doctoral program I didn’t visit her as much as I normally would have, so she didn’t get to see me or her granddaughter more than the one very stressful 8-day trip we took to Yosemite the last year of her life. And there are so many other ways I was an imperfect daughter that hurt to think about.

In the end, do I think she knew I loved her (albeit imperfectly)? I think so. I hope so.

But when I try to tell myself that I was doing my best, I don’t believe it. It doesn’t seem to be working right now. I go back and forth to all the times I could have visited or the ways I could have responded better when I felt hurt. Why didn’t I coach myself during those times of irritation so I could let go? Why didn’t I meditate more – I know that I am a better person what I do…What if what if what if…

You’ve been there in that cycle of obsessive thinking. It’s exhausting, right?

And trust me – if you’re trying to do some serious self-coaching and change a negative thought to a more helpful thought so that your feelings and actions create the reality you actually want to experience, you better actually believe that new thought you are plugging into the equation.

Telling myself I did my best sounded like…bullshit.

I was feeling lost, my coach wasn’t available over the weekend to help me work it out (yup – believe it or not, most of us coaches have our own coaches!), and I couldn’t find a new, believable thought to help me shift things.

Then, while in a 2-minute meditation (hey – 2 minutes is better than nothing!) I remembered this:

Everything that is happening, that has happened, and that will happen is exactly what is meant to be.

You know why? Because it IS what has happened. It IS what is happening. And we don’t always get to know why. But if it wasn’t meant to happen that way, it wouldn’t have. Really!

Once I digested this, my chest relaxed, my spirit opened up, and my ability to forgive myself started to spark. That’s what guilt and regrets really are: the emotional baggage we have when we can’t forgive ourselves, or when we think we are responsible for other people’s feelings.

Or when we lack the self-compassion to see that we are all human and that life can be hard and hurt and that we are all imperfect. That even when we aren’t doing out best, we are still doing what is supposed to be happening in that moment…for some reason..and we may never know why it was supposed to be that way.

We don’t get to decide what other people’s spiritual journeys are. What experiences they are “supposed” to have. None of that.

Are you having a hard time feeling guilt or regret? Try seeing what happens when you realize that for some reason, whatever happened was exactly what was supposed to happen. In the bigger picture, in the bigger Mystery of it all, it really was.

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

the real reason why it never feels like enough​​​​​​​

I want to let you in on a really important ingredient for creating authentic happiness – the kind that stands the test of time and is more resilient to the hard stuff that comes our way.

We often feel that it’s justifiable to feel like something is missing in our lives when we have some heavy shit going on. For me right now, it’s marriage struggles (marriage is hard, yo!) and my mom’s recent death. For my friends and clients, it’s things like feeling they’ve missed out on truly being themselves for decades and grieving that loss; struggling with loneliness and wanting a life partner; miscarriages; loss of identity…it goes on and on. It’s the shit that comes with being alive and human. The “truth of the existence of suffering” that Buddha reminded us all of millennia ago. It makes total sense that we feel like something is missing during those times.

Thing is, we also tend to feel like something is missing even when life DOES seem like its going really well! For example, here are a few scenarios that coaching can help a lot with:

•    you have a bitchy inner critic that tells you you aren’t worthy of a better life
•    you have a tendency to make bad choices relationship after relationship
•    you are a perpetual perfectionist and can’t seem to start, finish, or let go of anything because of your need to have it be flawless
•    you keep searching for a life with more meaning and purpose…and still haven’t found it
•    you struggle with creating healthy boundaries and saying “No” to people, trapped in a never-ending cycle of people-pleasing and lack of self care.
•    you feel trapped and stuck
•    you wallow in a scarcity mindset, blocking abundance from entering your life
•    you feel a lack of self love and self-worth
•    you wonder why you don’t feel confident or courageous enough to do what it takes

While coaching is great for these scenarios, what a lot of people don’t talk about is that once you achieve a lot of your goals – the freedom, the location-independent lifestyle, the abundance, the awesome relationship, the killer career, the confidence – we still tend feel that something is missing.

And let me tell you – that moment sucks. Royally.

Here you are, having done the spiritual work, the intellectual work, the creative work, the courageous work – a LOT of freakin’ work – and it all seems perfect, yet something is Still. Freakin’. Missing.

So what is this missing thing? It’s not as sexy as you might think, but it’s damn important, and I’ve seen it over and over. It helps when we are in some deep dark times of life, and it helps when we have that nagging feeling of being incomplete even when life seems amazing.

It’s not gratitude, although that is still a daily practice I do every morning.

It’s … (drum roll!) … being of service to others. Or better yet – feeling we are of service to others. Or even better yet…a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives (which tends to be connected with service to others).

Truth is, we are born to serve in a powerful way.

You can do all the gratitude journaling you want, but if you don’t feel a sense of purpose or meaning in life, if you aren’t clear about how your unique self is undeniably needed in the world and how you fit into it all, it won’t help you with this feeling that something is missing.

We are meant to use all the skills we learned up until this glorious moment and use them to (no pressure here;) change the world. From what I have seen, we humans cannot seem to be able to feel totally fulfilled in life if we are not deeply serving in some way.

In order to serve powerfully, we must muster the deepest type of courage yet. This is courage deeper than what is required to ask for a raise, or to start our own business, or to leave the toxic relationship.

Don’t get me wrong – they are related, and the first kind of courage is requisite to getting to the next level of bravery.

But what is required of you to truly feel like your life is enough is the courage to be of deep, devoted service to something greater than yourself.

 

So, in order to be able to feel maximally fulfilled, I highly recommend you set to work on making the world a better place.

When I look back on my life, it is not the peaks I have climbed, the adventures I have been on, or the financial milestones that help me feel that today would be a good day to die – although I will be the first to admit that they certainly help me feel better about that day.

Rather, it is the times that I have made other people’s lives better that help me sleep at night and live more courageously. The times I spent in Africa working with refugees on the borders of Rwanda, Uganda and the DRC. The times I forgave people that deeply hurt me. The times I risked disappointing others and being criticized in order to bring a bigger message to the world through my coaching. The times I delivered babies in a public hospital for Haitian women, or sat with a mother holding her stillborn and allowed myself to cry with her in sisterhood.

I am sure that you too can recall the moments you have touched someone’s heart with your actions, and how grounded and complete you felt.

Because you have been there, you know that this goal of ultimate fulfillment is not for the faint of heart.

It takes a lot of courage to serve others fully. To allow ourselves to feel the pain and suffering of others and to take action to stop it. To be so vulnerable with strangers that it scares the shit out of you.

On top of that, you also have to know what the world truly needs in order to best bring your gifts to the world in acts of service. And learning what the world needs can be terrifying, scary, and overwhelming.
 
But you can do it. You MUST do it.

You were born to do it.

I have clients break down in tears when they realize this, and it’s understandable, because the responsibility can feel overwhelming. But trust me – you don’t need to do anything more than discover your gifts and live them fully. This is truly of service to the world.

You do not need to head into war zones or depraved conditions (unless that’s a part of your gift), but you do need to discover and be honest with yourself about what you are good at, and how it can help make the world a better place than when you arrived.

Living your true gift involves some form of deep service pr contribution to others – even if that may not be obvious to you at this moment.

It’s scary, but you can find the ziji, the courage, the confidence to do it.

How do we get this kind of courage so we can explore our true purpose? In my experience, this deeply driven courage is created by an emotion that deserves much more bandwidth than topics like the courage or the confidence to manifest your dreams (even though that’s what I totally dig writing about):

It’s Compassion – for yourself and for others.

Compassion is the most courageous emotion we can carry, and the brave acts it allows us to undertake is why it is the emotion that helps our life feel like one well-lived.

As Pema Chödrön, a Tibetan Buddhist nun, said:

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”

There you have it.

If you want to live a truly courageous and deeply fulfilling life, open your heart.

First to yourself. This gives us the courage to go beyond our own needs.

Then open your heart to others, and look deeply into their eyes.

Feel the pain, the suffering, the injustices.

Do the work. Learn what you need to. Spend time alone. Spend time with people who really matter.

Fiercely quest for your purpose.

Let any ideas of your previous self die away, so that you may truly be open to the gift that only you are able to deliver – one you may have no freakin’ idea about yet. Or one you know about, but that really, really scares you to think about embodying.

You are enough, and the best way to see that – and indeed, the best way to feel that – is to discover that gift and how to best bring it to the world in service.

What does that look like for you? Is it volunteering with a local organization or abroad? Changing the focus of your biz? Leaving your job to raise your kiddos on a sailboat? Opening up a community gathering place? Helping people feel beautiful when they feel absolutely devastated inside? Giving people hope when they have lost their mojo?

Share with me on the blog or hit reply on this email to tell me about your gifts, or what has helped you sleep better at night, the ways you love to serve, the ways you dream to serve. I love this kind of stuff – and trust me, I’ll reply.

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.