Us humans in modern industrialized society have an uncanny ability to resist what’s natural.
While there are lots of things that fall into this category, one of the things we resist the most is when things come to and end – whether that’s relationships, a career, the love of a loved one, or the myriad little deaths we experience throughout life, like when our car finally breaks down or our favorite shirt looks like Swiss cheese.
Somehow we’ve developed this idea that things shouldn’t end, when the reality is, endings are a very natural and sacred part of life.
Our consumerist society tells us that our happiness, our youth, and our very lives should last forever. We’re taught that if happiness ends – even for a moment – something has gone wrong. There is no “naturalness” to endings anymore.
When I was traveling in Mali, I spent some time with the Dogon tribe, who have a deep spiritual and animistic belief system in which they see objects, tools, and household items as having a sort of spirit or essence.
So when an object like a pot or a tool isn’t usable anymore or breaks, the Dogon might hold a small ceremony to honor its “life” and thank it for its service.
There’s a respect here for the material world and a belief that inanimate objects are imbued with a certain sacredness. AND that endings are a part of the natural way of things and can be honored.
In our modern industrialized consumerist society where we discard objects and experiences and people on the regular, without honoring the endings that happen all the time and all around us… the sacredness of all moments – even little deaths – may be uncomfortable to notice.
But acknowledging that things end actually helps us bring more peace and less unnecessary suffering.
When it comes to the BIG end (our own), we often see a lot of media focusing on how to live longer, healthier lives. Or more beautiful and exciting lives. And while I don’t think striving for this is inherently wrong, I do think that it kind of misses the point, because there’s a heavy focus on living longer without really diving into the deeper existential inquiry of WHY we are living here in the first place.
The reality is, when we are feeling fulfilled, with how we’re living our lives, we aren’t as concerned with living to 100. We also have more resilience around the little deaths like breakups, job losses, and more.
We often make the error of thinking it’s our external circumstances that determine if we feel happy, fulfilled, or purposeful. If we could prevent something endings – our heathy state, the relationship, the youthfulness – THEN we can be happy.
We think that if we could better control things, we’d have more inner peace. More access to happiness, right?
But when we don’t have control over an ending, it can create so much suffering. Getting laid off or fired, a breakup we didn’t want, or a person dying before we healed the fractures in the relationship. But a lack of control over endings is actually the way most of life IS.
The reality is that there are little deaths throughout our lives that happen all the time. Not just death in the sense of a being’s bodily life ending, but in so many other ways.
So whether these little deaths create more or less unnecessary suffering has to do with the degree to which we resist these endings.
If we were more present with these little deaths and accepting of them – mindful in each moment-to-moment transition – we could have more joy and less unnecessary suffering.
In my Tibetan Buddhist practice, I was taught to meditate on death every day. It’s part of the Lam Rim meditations. This wasn’t so much about the little deaths, but the Big One – our own death, our own impermanence, and that of all we cherish.
And through this practice, it has made accepting and managing the little deaths so much more doable. It have me something to work with – something I know will happen with 100% certainty.
That we’re going to die, and we don’t know when.
And when we can work with that, we can extend that to knowing that all things end.
When we can accept these endings, these little deaths, we can spend more effort in focusing on the present moment and the joy that is available to us. The joy that we might completely miss if we were resistant to endings.
Because in the same moment of the little death is also potential joy, beauty, miracles.
Remembering endings helps us remember what really matters, and how we truly want to show up in the world.
Right. Now.
So in the face of the certainty of endings, we can be with each moment, with the present moment. Noticing the totality of all that is available to us. The beauty and the grief. The anxiety and the joy.
The tender complexity of being human.
You will learn:
// How our modern industrialized consumerist society feeds into our resistance to endings
// How treating “little deaths” / endings with more respect and sacredness can lead to less unnecessary suffering and more joy + freedom
// Why we feel the need to control our endings and how to let go of that feeling
// The one thing we should spend more time thinking about to help accept the little endings (hint: it’s not what you’d think!)
Resources:
// Episode 9: Impermanence, Death, and Other Sexy Things
// Episode 77: Change is Inevitable
// Episode 110: The Miracle of Being Alive
// Check out this free training on What Really Matters
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. We dive into taking wisdom and applying it to our daily lives, with different topics every month. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
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