So many of us use (or have used) buffering as a way of tolerating things that aren’t acceptable in our lives.

We use alcohol to make a boring party more fun. We use food to get rid of that anxious feeling in our stomach when we know our partner will respond with anger when we bring up a difficult topic. We use Netflix to distract ourselves from a stressful job that we hate.

What’s underneath this is: you have something in your life that isn’t great, something in your life that doesn’t really work, something in your life that you want to change.

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So many of us use (or have used) buffering as a way of tolerating things that aren’t acceptable in our lives.

We use alcohol to make a boring party more fun. We use food to get rid of that anxious feeling in our stomach when we know our partner will respond with anger when we bring up a difficult topic. We use Netflix to distract ourselves from a stressful job that we hate.

What’s underneath this is: you have something in your life that isn’t great, something in your life that doesn’t really work, something in your life that you want to change.

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Here’s a golden nugget of truth I’ve learned the hard way throughout my life: the more you have an aversion to discomfort, the more you actually suffer. It’s totally ironic, right? If all you did was stay in fancy places, if all you did was protect yourself from discomfort and everything was always temperature-controlled and soft and tasty and nice…the minute shit went wrong, you would have a much stronger reaction to it than if you had practiced being with discomfort and reminded yourself that life isn’t always comfortable. And that discomfort isn’t something to be…feared.

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One of the most common issues my clients come to me for coaching on is their tendency to people-please.

On the one hand, we can feel good when we do things for other people. This is pure generosity and kindness.

But with people-pleasing, doing things for other people is the MAIN source of joy and often comes at the expense of self-love and self-care. And the intention behind it stems from insecurity and fear.

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Did you know that the average person makes 35,000 ”remotely conscious” choices per day? If we are spending about seven hours a day sleeping and likely not making decisions (depending on the type of dreamer you are ;), that makes about 2,000 decisions per hour.

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Think about this for a minute: if you knew – like really knew – you only had a year or a month or however long left to live, how would your mindset change? How many of those inner obstacles currently holding you back would fall away if you truly grasped the impermanent nature of your own life?

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You probably think you know what ‘s important to you, right?

But in my coaching practice, I’ve found that while most people believe their values are very clear to them, when it comes down to putting words to our values, a lot of people get stuck!

That’s totally OK – and to be expected, because not a lot of folks have been given the chance to sit down and consciously reflect on all this.

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Ever have moments where this realization just hits you like a runaway train? “Oh shit, I am not living in alignment with my values right now. How did I end up here?”

Yeah. I hear you. I’ve been there. And it can be a pretty stop-you-in-your-tracks, flip-your-world-upside-down kinda moment. Because then the second realization comes: “I’m so fucking unhappy. It’s gonna take so much work to change this.” Then maybe: “I’m not sure I’m up to the task.”

If this is you, I’ve got you! I’m with you! And I have some things to share with you that I think really might help you on this journey.

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Many people are facing a hard realization right now: “If I don’t learn how to take care of myself, I will burn out.”

It’s true. You cannot dedicate yourself to creating the life you want, contributing to and changing the world… and then ignore your own bodily, mental and spiritual needs. Because that’s what causes self-combustion. And then you’re not helping yourself, let alone anyone else.

In reality, it’s a balancing act – in order to show up for others in your fullest capacity, you must first learn to nourish yourself so that you CAN show up, and show up well.

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The truth is, at the most basic level of true allyship and the heart of what anti-racism work requires is this simple thing that many people – white folks in particular – still actively struggle with, whether they’re conscious of it or not: a genuine willingness to be uncomfortable.

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