Do you have a happy life or a meaningful life? And why you should even care

youdefineyourfreedomJust last month, I was coaching one of my Adventure Mastermind clients in a Hot Seat during our Mexico retreat. One of the things that came up was a struggle between wanting to fully enjoy an amazing life of travel and adventures and fun…and also wanting to feel a deeper sense of usefulness or contribution. Would it be OK to “just” live an amazingly joyful life? Would that be enough? Would she be enough? Or is true happiness requiring us to also contribute to others/society? Or is being happy enough of a contribution to this world? She had manifested a pretty amazing life for herself, yet something seemed like it was still missing.

(BTW, this is a most excellent topic of discussion, and one I highly recommend to have at your next dinner party)

I won’t go into the details of that session, and to be honest, I don’t even want to imply that what follows has anything to do with it…but I will say that the session sparked me to reflect on a hot topic of debate in the field of positive psychology. This debate lies around the concept that a happy life could possibly be different than a meaningful life, and that you could feasibly have one without the other. Others disagree and say that to remove meaningfulness from happiness screws the whole thing up since they are inextricably intertwined.

This pushes all kinds of buttons with people – “But how can you be happy doing something that isn’t meaningful?” “Isn’t being happy meaningful in and of itself?” “So are you saying that I can’t be truly happy unless I volunteer and hand out clothes to homeless people?” “Why would you want to live a happy life that wasn’t meaningful?”

Do you have a happy life or a meaningful life?

Why is all this even important?

Well, mental masturbation is always fun for people like me, and I love pondering these things.

But a more important reason is that we are all starting to become aware of the benefits of happiness – you live longer, are healthier, more successful and creative, you earn more money…the benefits go on and on! So, we need to get really clear about what exactly happiness is so we don’t get led down the wrong path, wasting precious time, money, and energy on the wrong things – at least if happiness and its bennies is what you’re aiming for.

Let’s get real – we all only have a limited amount of time, so given say, one hour to help your life be extraordinary, it would be good to know exactly what would best do that. Should you go do something “meaningful” like volunteer at a soup kitchen, play with your kids, or bring a sick friend some food? Or get a “happy” fix and take a sauna, hang out with friends at the tasting room, watch a funny movie, or read a book on a beach in Bali … or maybe even a little of both?!

There’s a provocative study by Dr. Roy Baumeister and his buddies that suggests “meaning” (separate from happiness) is not connected with whether one is healthy, has enough money, or feels comfortable in life.

(Well isn’t that interesting!?)

The flip side is that “happiness” (separate from meaning) absolutely is connected to those things.

So what exactly does this mean for us folks trying to live a happy and meaningful life?

In the study I mentioned above, the researchers identified five major differences between a happy life and a meaningful one (note: the italicized excerpts are from the article on the Greater Good Science Center’s website).

  • Happy people satisfy their wants and needs, but that seems largely irrelevant to a meaningful life. Therefore, health, wealth, and ease in life were all related to happiness, but not meaning.
To me, this explains how a total asshole can appear relatively happy and believe that he truly is happy himself.
  • Happiness involves being focused on the present, whereas meaningfulness involves thinking more about the past, present, and future—and the relationship between them. In addition, happiness was seen as fleeting, while meaningfulness seemed to last longer.

This could be why the aforementioned asshole isn’t necessarily happy for very long.

  • Meaningfulness is derived from giving to other people; happiness comes from what they give to you. Although social connections were linked to both happiness and meaning, happiness was connected more to the benefits one receives from social relationships, especially friendships, while meaningfulness was related to what one gives to others—for example, taking care of children. Along these lines, self-described “takers” were happier than self-described “givers,” and spending time with friends was linked to happiness more than meaning, whereas spending more time with loved ones was linked to meaning but not happiness.

Well ain’t that the shizzle?! So being walked all over and giving without receiving doesn’t lead to happiness! We all knew that though, right?

  • Meaningful lives involve stress and challenges. Higher levels of worry, stress, and anxiety were linked to higher meaningfulness but lower happiness, which suggests that engaging in challenging or difficult situations that are beyond oneself or one’s pleasures promotes meaningfulness but not happiness.

To me, this doesn’t meant that we need to avoid challenging situations that expand our comfort zones. Rather, this means that we also need to engage in practices that boost our happiness – and it’s associated benefits. I am sure we all know at least one person – and perhaps that person is ourselves – that is constantly doing things for others and putting themselves into hardship for the sake of other people. This needs to be balanced with happiness-provoking activities! At least if you want to live longer, be healthier, have success and whatnot.

  • Self-expression is important to meaning but not happiness. Doing things to express oneself and caring about personal and cultural identity were linked to a meaningful life but not a happy one. For example, considering oneself to be wise or creative was associated with meaning but not happiness.

When your identity is how you create meaning in your life, usually there’s a few – ahem – issues that come up. Like suffering. Especially whenever someone has a different identity from yours and challenges that your identity isn’t the right one. Which would happen, like, every day because we’re all different…unless of course you lived on a freaky commune and drank the Kool-Aid.

OK, so i get where this Baumeister guy is getting at. But something doesn’t sit right with me yet…like, I want to know what are the benefits of leading a meaningful life? What bennies come to those who lead meaningful, yet not necessarily happy, lives?

And I’m also wary of this whole ability to separate our meaningfulness from happiness. I’m a huge fan of the Dalai Lama’s quote:

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

Some suggest what Baumeister was studying was more “hedonistic pleasure” than happiness. This is the case for people who believe meaningfulness is an integral part of true happiness, such as Dr. Lyubomirsky from UC Riverside. She feels that researchers who try to separate meaning and happiness may be on the wrong track: “When you feel happy, and you take out the meaning part of happiness, it’s not really happiness.” And there are even more studies coming out that meaningful happiness has more benefits that purely hedonistic types of happiness.

I’m leaning towards Lyubormisky and the proponents of meaningful happiness on this one.

So what’s a Freedom Junkie to do?

After reading a bunch of articles on this topic, I feel this way (today, at least): I say live a happy life, and make sure you have activities that are meaningful to you as well. That way, in true Freedom Junkie form, you get to have your cake and eat it too. Yeah, I know…seems like a cop out. But I really believe you can’t just do one or the other!

This means that not everything you do needs to have deep meaning, but that you also have something in your life that you associate with deep meaning – as defined by YOU. This is why for some parents, caring for kids seems like a pain in the ass and a duty, while for others it is an act of service and connection. Same action, different meaning, different happiness results.

There’s a reason why, as a coach, I help people discover the real meaning behind their goals, the big “Why” behind their actions, their true soul-motive for things. I have found that when people don’t understand the meaningfulness behind their goals or actions, they flake. They procrastinate. They get distracted. They come up with excuses. They change their mind. A lot.

Personally, I truly believe that you can’t be genuinely happy (the sustainable, puts-lines-in-your-face-from-smiling-too-much kind of happiness), without meaning in your life. The thing is, what that meaning is is totally up to you.

You – and only you – define your freedom. You – and only you – define the meaning behind all your actions. (tweet it, yo!)

So, if you find meaning in living an outrageously epic life of freedom and adventure because you know it inspires others, then go the hell out and do just that! But if you don’t believe in that meaning, then you won’t truly be happy, no matter how many days you spend on the road traveling the world and going skydiving. You will need to find another meaning to support your actions if you want true happiness.

The point is that is isn’t what you’re doing per se that’s important, but rather the meaning behind it. What’s your big WHY? And if you can add into the mix the activities we learn about that add to happiness (gratitude, hanging with friends, savoring, etc), do those too so that you can live longer and be healthier and vital and rock your mission while you’re at it!

Are you struggling with living a meaningful life right now? Share with me below – I read every comment and respond to each one! Here are some additional resources as well:

Here’s a great video by Simon Sinek and his popular Ted Talk on “The Big Why“

Here’s Baumeister’s article I mentioned about about a happy vs meaningful life

Here’s a great article on two kinds of happiness – it supports the idea that a happiness based in meaning has more benefits than a purely hedonistic happiness

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

Confessions of a Health Coach – Why Do I Like Fast Food

fastfoodnationI was on a road trip…starving. Nothing for miles. LOTS of miles. The first thing that popped into my head was, “Please let there be a Taco Bell or Burger King somewhere soon…”

For realz.

After 20 miles (I know, right?! STARVING!), I finally saw a sign – a literal sign – that said “Burger King 4 miles”

Hallelujah!

I put my hair in a baseball cap. Donned my glam sunglasses. I was incognito.

I looked left and right.

Is anybody watching me?

Certainly people would know it was me with my signature MIDWYF license plate on the Subaru. What would people think if they saw me eating at Burger King? No one would ever sign up for my Urban Wellness Club or do a cleanse with me. There would be articles about my being a fraud and a hypocrite.

Awww fuck it, I’m way too hungry.

And I know that I am actually not that important…so the likelihood that the paparazzi was spying on me were very, very low.

OK…I admit to some embellishment. I didn’t actually put up my hair and don sunglasses…but I sure felt like it. I mean, I talk with clients and patients for hours about eating real food!

But this is real life.

I pulled up to the ordering-speaker-pole-thing, not bothering to check out the new offerings of french fry burgers or whatever else the industry bothers to develop. I ordered my standard fare for emergent fast-food stops: a double Whopper with cheese, small fries, and a water, no ice.

I then did the classic American thing and after going through the drive-through, I pulled over and parked so I could eat…or in this case, scarf. I pulled off the top part of the bun (I figure that at least helps a little bit, lol) and chomped down. Once done with that, I hit the road fishing for fries in the bag along the way.

It always surprises me how delighted I am to find the extra fry at the bottom of the bag just when I thought I finished them all 😉

Now, while I will pick Burger King over McDonald’s any day, I admit there is a toss-up between BK and Taco Bell, which allows me to avoid the horrific fast-food meat and order something somewhat tasty with just beans and cheese in it (I never order the hot sauce anymore…it’s probably still in my system from my teenage years with all the chemicals in it).

I knew I was not in the land of In-N-Out Burger, which is hands-down my preferred fast food road trip stop. I would have been wishing for one of those if I had been.

In-N-Out is only found in five states: California, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, and Texas…all states I frequented for rock climbing road trips except for Texas. This is because fresh ingredients are part of it’s “thing.” They use no microwaves, heat lamps, or freezers(!!!). The meat, which are house-ground patties of regionally sourced chuck – are grilled, the lettuce is uber crunchy, the tomatoes are (shock!) juicy and sweet, and the gluteny buns are toasted with a nice crisp on the edges, and pretty epic for a fast-food bun. Plus, they have grilled onions and a secret menu, which makes me feel very cool when my ass is numb from driving for 9 hours.

If you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll take it from Eric Schlosser, author of the infamous book Fast Food Nation, who said this about In-N-Out: “It isn’t health food, but it’s food with integrity…It’s the real deal.”

I would have definitely preferred an In-N-Out cheeseburger, animal style.

But enough of this fast food review. The reason I am telling you this story is this:

I have found that my long road trips have become a secret way for me to eat crap and kind of enjoy it.

What’s up with that?

I know I could pack snacks and prepare for the road trip. To be honest, this is what I do most of the time. But…I admit that when I don’t, or when we’ve eaten it all and need to stop for more food, I am secretly (well, not-so-secretly after this blog post;) excited.

Why do I like fast food?

I think it’s because when I was growing up, fast food was a reward. Once a week my dad would take me to Taco Bell and I’d order a Burrito Supreme and absolutely savor the yumminess of peeling back the foil wrapper and biting into soft tortilla with special sauce and sour cream…we hardly ever ate those ingredients in our Filipino household (BTW the Philippines is the only country where their own fast food restaurant – Jollibees, which has things like spaghetti with vienna sausage – beats out McDonald’s).

Every now and then my mom would drop off Burger King or McDonald’s as a treat for my lunch – I could smell the fries in the hallway where parents would leave bags of food on a designated table for kids to grab at lunchtime. I felt so special! I had holes in my shoes, but dammit, every now and then I’d at least get some fast food for lunch!

Fast food became not about the food, but about the way I’d feel rewarded…for being a good student, a good daughter, a good whatever.

It was about me feeling good about me.

I try to remember this whenever I feel like giving in and not eating my kale chips and hummus dip on the road, and it usually keeps me from pulling over for a quickie at In-N-Out or BK.

It’s also really easy for me to make healthier choices after I’ve done a cleanse, which is why I do them regularly. Fast food actually sounds sickening to me most of the time because of those regular cleanses (and my all-to-detailed knowledge of what it does to our bodies). So I try to do them at least 3 times a year. In fact, one of the reason I started offering them to y’all was because I wanted accountability to do them all the time!

Still, when I’m tired after driving a long distance, or if I was too rushed to prepare my road food, I do give in at times.

I’ve found that is it key to remember it isn’t the occasional pit stop that will make you unhealthy – it’s the choices we make every day that determine our health…and happiness.

It’s also important to remember why the food can have such positive emotional connotations: the food-addictive ingredients, the childhood memories – whatever it is for you.

The worse thing would be to beat yourself up about it and eat it. Studies have shown that people who believe food will have a bad effect on them actually have worse symptoms afterwards than those who don’t – a type of nocebo effect.
IN_pyramid_1109_smallI’m sharing this story with you because it is really really hard to make healthy choices every day. I get it.
It’s especially hard when we are feeling bad about ourselves, or feeling tired, lonely, stressed, or unloved.
The last thing that needs to happen when you feel bad already is to start beating yourself up about a poor choice.
Instead, see it for what it is: a poor choice. You are not a bad person. You simply made a bad choice. And sometimes, that choice didn’t even have that many options!
So let’s you and me grab that In-N-Out when we have to, and for the rest of the time, let’s cultivate our primary foods – those things that nourish us without having to eat them: healthy + fulfilling relationships, regular physical activity that’s fun, a fulfilling career, and a spiritual practice.
Prioritizing these things in your life will help your body make that fast food you eat on the rare occasion have only a transient impact, sans guilt.
Please share with me below about your experiences with fast food – was it a reward for you as a kid? If you find it a guilty pleasure, what do you think is at the root of that for you? What are YOUR fave fast food splurges? No shame here…only real life giggles!

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

10 Things You Should Do First if You Are Starting Your Business

This time of year can be for a lot of us entrepreneurs – especially those of us in the personal growth/wellness fields. This is the busy time, as most people want to take a break from working on their inner awesomeness during summer;)

But for us, this is CRUNCH TIME! This is when we launch and crank out blog posts and try to time our launches and best goodies to not compete with the Big Mamas on the scene (like Marie Forleo launching B-School, which totally takes over the internet – and people’s inboxes;)

People starting a biz always ask me where to begin, so I wanted to share with you the top 10 things I think need to happen to get the ball rolling – and you can see where you’re at! This especially applies to beginners, but if you’ve been in business awhile, you may want to make sure you’ve got them covered still (especially #10!!!)

Make sure you are rocking these 10 things in your business (check them off when done!):

___ 1. have a wordpress website that is hosted with someone like Bluehost.com (google it if you have no idea what I am talking about!)

___ 2. the following step is particularly true if you are a multipassionate that works directly with clients: buy your name as a URL and have that be the domain your website is hosted on. You can forward your business name URL to that website if you prefer. And then you don’t have to move your whole website when you move on to the next business!

___ 3. start an email marketing account at Mailchimp.com or Aweber.com

___ 4. start building your list and collecting emails and adding them to the list you created above

___ 5. you will best to #4 if you have an amazing gift to offer your peeps – create something beautiful or divine or super informative or uber-valuable for them to celebrate them giving you their precious email address!

___ 6. make sure a way to sign up for the aforementioned amazing gift is on every page of your website

___ 7. create awesome content AT LEAST once a month to help your website get traffic (the search engines prefer websites with fresh info)

___ 8. create at least 2 ways (ideally 3) for people to work with you (this isn’t a MUST, but it usually helps if people can get a taste of you with a “date” before “hopping into bed” with you. Have an intro program and your more in-depth access to you. Or more! Or not…but like I said, this tends to work, especially when you first start. The entry level can be “free” by the way!

___ 9. get business cards with your name, website, and email address (at a minimum) so that people can find you when they think of you again, and how you rocked their world in the short encounter they had with you. Do not hand out free ones that say Vistaprint on the back. Tacky.

___ 10. Last, but certainly NOT least: Remember that you are NOT your biz. No matter what is going on with your biz, you are SO MUCH MORE. If you are crushing it, know that you are still even more than that. If you are struggling for even one client, know that the challenge does not define you. Being an entrepreneur is a spiritual path.

There is so much more, like getting really, really clear on who you want to serve…but I find that doesn’t always come right away, and we can get stuck in analysis paralysis in the meantime while we try to figure that out!

In any event, I hope that short starter list helps a wee bit. Share with me your progress in these things by commenting below – I read every single one!

And if you haven’t heard yet, I wanted to remind you of a few awesome things that are going away – way too soon!

First: Please know that while I totally believe in Marie and B-School, you don’t need it to be successful. While it is worth $2000 – easily – you don’t have to spend that to create the biz and life of your dreams. There’s “The Google” (as Marie calls it) where you can learn so much about how to do things on your own, as well as amazing YouTube trainings and great free offerings and summits out there to soak it all up. But if you want to rock it with Marie and me, check out my review here

OK, now the reminders…

BSchoolScholarships1. the free B-School training videos that Marie Forleo put up are going away on March 4th. So if you’d like to watch those videos and get those free lessons — now is the time because they won’t be available much longer!

2.  Muy importante: B-School 2015 is closing down Wednesday, March 4th at 3pm EST.  (that’s in the morning at 11am for my west-coast peeps!). Since B-School is only done once per year, now is the time to register if you know it’s the right fit. PLUS, if you register through me you get the awesome Clarity + Courage Immersion ($1500 value with just that bonus alone), plus support throughout B-School, and other fun surprises.

To sign up for the free training videos, click here

To register for B-School and receive almost $2000 in bonuses, be sure to use my link and click here

If you want to watch the training videos first to decide, that’s totally fine! But if you want my juicy bonus you’ll have to register with my link here, or go to my review page at www.AnaVerzone.com/best-b-school-bouns

To Your Freedom,

Ana

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

We’re talking G for G’Damn That’s Good! A ditty on Guilt and Shame

IMG_8576

Are you feeling guilty yet? You know, about the New Year’s resolution that doesn’t seem to stick, or the way you’re not keeping on track with feeling your best in the past year?

Did you swear you’d do things differently the next time you got in an argument with your partner, but you ended up getting defensive anyway, and letting the volume of your voice creep up to a wee bit higher than 11?

Did you make plans to totally thrive this year but you’re just barely surviving – again?

Or are you feeling shame?

What’s the difference????

Well, I used to wonder the same thing until I dove deep into Brene Brown’s work. I used to think guilt was a useless emotion…until I realized I was confusing it with shame. You see, that “G” word can have a few positive twists to it.

Sometimes guilt can be helpful because it catapults us into action. Guilt helps us know something is out of alignment and we need to do something about it. In guilt, we know we did something bad, and we feel it in our bodies. At our best, we can interpret guilt as a sign to do things differently next time.

Shame, on the other hand, is where we feel we are a bad person for doing what we did (or thinking the thought we did or feeling the way we did).

You see, guilt is about the action, and shame is about using the action to define who we are.
 
I remember when I totally blew up at my partner and I was so embarrassed about how I showed up. I felt like I was 16 again…like all the work I had done just vanished and I was left with my hormoned-out reptilian brain.

I said to my friend, “I am so ashamed about what I did.” She said, “You did something you see as ‘bad’…but you’re not a bad person.”

What a freakin’ breath of fresh air! That was exactly what I needed to hear.

So, if you’re feeling shame, know that there is a different way to look at it. What happened may have been “bad,” but YOU are not a bad/jealous/stingy/angry/aggressive/bitchy person.

You are not your actions.

Yet what do our actions represent? They usually represent a story that we are believing that affects how we interpret situations. Like how when my husband criticizes me and I interpret that as his about to abandon me. So I scream like a banshee (or at least I used to…it is getting better!). When I change my interpretation, my actions change.

Capiche?
 
If you are feeling shame, it’s best to remember you are not your actions – and that you can shift your actions by shifting the meaning you are applying to situations.

On the other hand, if you’re feeling guilty about staying on track with your wellness goals or your other self-improvement dreams, here are some ways you can turn the Guilt into Good:

* recognize guilt won’t get you anywhere. Instead focus on what makes you feel good! Like feeling sexy and having awesome passionate nights with your lover. Make that you big WHY for going to the gym. Like eating Haagen Daaz ice cream (I do!). Make THAT you big WHY for eating a super healthy lunch and dinner. LOVE your silk red dress? Make THAT your big why for shaping those sexy arms of yours!

* know most of us can’t do this alone…we need a tribe! Reach out to your sisters and community for support. I often find my friends help give me great perspective (be sure you pick the right friends to surround you with too!). This is a big reason I created my Urban Wellness Club and Adventure Mastermind – where a tribe of like-minded women hang together for a year.

* allow yourself “cheater days,” days where you do anything you want. In fact, don’t even make it a cheater day unless it’s sexier for you that way. Rather, use the 80/20 rule: look at is like you do what serves your body best 80% or the time, and the other 20%  is for your hedonistic side and you get to do WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. Yowza! That way you don’t feel deprived – or guilty! I love this rule. Personally I pick a weekend day to go all out each week.

* don’t beat yourself up about falling off the wagon – instead, dust yourself off, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, and get back on. Every. Damn. Time. I’m pretty dusty. But my hair looks awesome that way. And so do my Fiorentini + Baker boots. Oh SNAP!

* come up with a plan to do things differently next time. Visualize it, and feel yourself doing it differently. Really conjure up that scene in your mind in detail, and feel you rocking that new way of being to the core. You’ll be way more likely to pull it off!

* show integrity with yourself and follow through with smaller steps – if you tell yourself you are going to do something but then don’t do it, you will naturally start to beat yourself up. Set yourself up for success, and take things in bite-sized chunks that you can easily do. Your smaller accomplishments will add up!

* if you want a guilt-free way to enjoy this New Year, seriously check out Freedom School. It really is an awesome tribe of women who focus on positive change and not beating ourselves up. They give each other support, celebrate successes, bounce ideas off one another and manifest cool shizzle throughout the whole year (ask any of them – they love it!).

We focus on wellness, but not just your body. We jam on confidence, mindset, and jedi mind tricks too;) Come on over and join us!

I hope this helps with your Guilt and Shame gremlins – life’s too short to stress about those;)

 

How to Make Difficult Decisions


FullSizeRenderYou know when life seems to come at you from all angles, non-stop, and all you want to do is hole up somewhere quiet, close your eyes, and take a deep breath? Make it all STOP, just for a moment?

I’ve been feeling like that lately. There’s been a lot of shizzle happening in my world, and the consistent factor seems to be that I’ve being asked to make lots of decisions. All. Day. Long.

And we’re not talking what to have for dinner. I’ve had to make some pretty big, life-changing decisions lately, and it’s been crazy overwhelming.

If you’re not in it now, I am sure you’ve been here before:

It feels like everything is happening all at once.

Everyone seems to want to know RIGHT NOW – and you feel immense pressure to give the right answer.

It feels like there is not enough time to tap into your intuition and core desires and all that personal growth stuff that you know you’re “supposed” to do.

You don’t feel like you have all the information you need to make the right decision…yet a LOT rides on the decision you’re about to make.

On top of it all, life’s shizzle keeps happening, like phone calls coming in non-stop (doesn’t everyone love texting like I do?), plumbing getting backed up – while you’re breastfeeding :/ , a family member getting seriously ill…need I go on?

It is ALL still happening, and no one and no-thing is pausing for you to create a nice and calm space in which to make your decisions.

Welcome to adulthood, right? Stressing about that high school paper I had to write sounds pretty awesome right now.

One of the myriad decisions I had to make recently was about an Integrative Medicine Fellowship with Dr. Andrew Weil at the University of Arizona. Last year I had been accepted into this prestigious program, geared towards MDs, as one of the few nurse practitioners. I was ALSO offered a scholarship – for both years of the fellowship.

Most people I spoke to who didn’t know my whole resume said it was a no-brainer and that I should do it – for sure. Why were they so sure? Here are some of the things I heard:

“Dr. Weil is SO FAMOUS and brilliant! ANY chance to study with him would be awesome.”

“I’d go see someone just because I knew they studied with him.”

“This is such a rare opportunity – it’s SO HARD to get into that program!”

“Even though you’ll learn something and the people are great to connect with, you probably know most of the stuff they teach there already. But if you want it on your resume it can be worth it.” (This is what I heard from several people who did the fellowship themselves).

Here’s the thing though: upon careful investigation into the curriculum, I learned that it really wouldn’t add to my body of knowledge THAT much.

Fellows would study Ayurveda for 2 weeks. I studied it for 1 year already. They had 2 weeks of Chinese Medicine – I had 2 years of Classical Chinese Medicine under my belt. Plus yoga teacher training. And massage school. And health coach training. Functional Medicine education. Herbology studies…and endless hours of continuing education in Integrative Medicine.

Suffice it to say, no matter how big the scholarship, I had to decide if this would be worth my time and energy.

Often in making big decisions, we let finances be the ultimate factor. But I have learned – often the hard way – that time and energy are just as, if not more, valuable than money.

Ultimately, I decided that the return I’d receive for the time and energy and other resources that I’d be investing would not be worth it for me. It would be awesome for someone else, but not for me at this point in my life.

What were some of the other decisions I had to make?

Do I move my mother up here to live with us now, where she has no friends or community, so I can care for her and watch her diet like a hawk…or trust that she will do what it takes to preserve her barely-there kidney function as she enters Stage 4 kidney failure?

Do I go for a spot in a PhD doctoral program in nursing, a functional nutrition doctoral program, or a public health program?

Do I take out my IUD because of the side effects I’ve been experiencing even though I know I absolutely cannot handle getting pregnant right now…and I HATE condoms and hormones?

Do I go to Colombia with my husband to have an adventure with our baby, or do something relatively “boring” yet much-needed, like go to Ashland and Portland to eat organic food, hang with my girlfriends, and take a sensual writing workshop with Alexandra Franzen? (OK the Franzen writing salon is SO not relatively boring LOL!).

There are more…but those are what I’ll share here.

How did I make all these decisions in such a short amount of time, under a lot of pressure,  with the defecation hitting the oscillation all over the place and at very inconvenient times? Well, while it seems every coach out there will tell you to “listen to your intuition,” what do you do when you haven’t learned that skills yet? I know it has taken me YEARS to figure that out…and it can still escape me, especially when overwhelmed.

Here are some tools I used (that aren’t about tapping into your intuition):

Chew on it. Pretend to make the decision one way or another. Allow yourself to imagine life with the decision you just made. Sit with it. How does it feel?

Do you want to spit it out? Or swallow? Savor it? How does it feel 2 years from now? What is your day like when you wake up? What are your weekends like? How do you feel falling asleep? Do this for about a 1/2 day per decision option.

Ask yourself: “Will I have regrets about this 5 years from now?” If it’s clear that you’ll have big regrets after saying yes or no, I would seriously consider rethinking your options.

Make a list about what values you’re saying “Yes” to and what you’re saying “No” to. In my fellowship example above, I discovered that if I did the fellowship, I’d be saying Yes to my love of studying with other geeks about a topic I am passionate about, my love of learning in general, and enjoying studying with someone I greatly admire (Dr. Weil). Plus, I value being at the top of my field, and studying in a prestigious program would validate that (ahem…I mean, it would validate my ego).

However, I’d be saying “No” to my values of: not doing something just because it would look good on my resume; not spending time doing things that didn’t add substantially to my body, mind, or spirit for the time and energy they required; and my priority of more time with my super freakin’ awesome baby.

Drop into a routine/schedule. When you know what is happening when, you don’t have a bunch of background “static” to interfere with your mind’s clarity. You can then create the mental quietude to make a better decision.

When shit is happening randomly and unexpectedly, it makes it much harder to have the calm required to make big decisions. If you’re not a big schedule or routine person, this can be a temporary tweak to your style until you make the decision. Having a morning and/or evening routine also help the mind chill out and see through the muck.

Set the intention to receive clarity in your dreams. You can also ask for sign during the day. I do this a lot. I say, “Hey, Universe/God/Source/Gaia – could you puh-lease send me a sign about what I should do?” I have had so many clear signs drop out of the sky after asking for this.

Like the time I asked for clarity about whether I should break up with someone or not, then minutes later got a Facebook message from a complete stranger that my boyfriend was cheating on me. Clear sign, right?! Suffice it to say, I got really clear in about a nanosecond. What a douche. It was a relief actually. I have since learned to make decisions much sooner. I’ll have to write a different post about that one…

Write a pros and cons list. I’m not shitting you. This works. It’s not like I base decisions on anything related to how long the lists are. Rather, the process really helps me get clear as I think it through. I find my Yes/No practice that I describe above more helpful than this one, but it’s a good place to start.

Talk to a friend that lets you babble. I have found more than a few times that simply talking about my process with a good girlfriend will bring me clarity as I babble, even though I may not be making sense in the moment. Journaling can also substitute if it’s 4am and you don’t think your friend would appreciate you calling at that time. Once you’re done babbling, offer to buy her a glass of prosecco or a green juice.

Try to get as much sleep as possible…and sleep on it once you think you know your answer. Your mind will be much more sharp and discerning. It’s amazing the difference that sleep makes. Your brain is actually working on organizing all your thoughts while you sleep, so it can really help!

Do any one of these ideas really resonate with you? Or do you have a tip for your fave way to make a difficult decision? Share with me below – we could all use tips and support around this one!

How to recover when you screw things up

yodaSoooo…I didn’t show up in the best way a few days ago {tail between legs}. My partner and I had a blowout. We were both sleep deprived, dealing with catching up with logistics after being away from home for a month, and simultaneously planning to host Thanksgiving dinner at our house.
But even deeper than that, I do know that the issue ultimately stemmed from me not caring for myself.
Let’s rewind.
As we know, its never about what you’re actually arguing about. When you get to what the real issue is, there’s nothing to argue, because you begin to acknowledge the true feelings and desires at hanf, and that opens our hearts instead of shuts them down. But until we dig deep, we argue, and it’s about something way more trivial than your feelings.
Case in point: my husband made a request. The request pissed me off. You’d have thought he asked me if he could live in polygamy for a year. But that wasn’t the request.
He was asking me for something he wanted and needed – and the time to do that.
I felt like I would certainly LOVE to be able to do that too, but here I was barely getting in my little bits of me-time and how freakin’ audacious it was that he ask me for even MORE time for himself!!!!
And suffice it to say the timing of the request pretty much sucked. Royally.
In the end, I had an out-of-body experience and was lit into an angry rage. I yelled. Loudly. I was so angered and hurt. Then I started sobbing because I realized I was yelling in front of my baby, and I felt ashamed. I grew up in an abusive situation, and I did not want any of that energy to enter into the family I was creating.
I stopped. I asked that he not speak to me so that I could calm down. I went into my bedroom and cried with that ugly crying face we get when we are truly sobbing messy sobs. I called a girlfriend and asked if she could listen to me. Not help. Just listen. And she did just that.
I hung up the phone. Took a deep breath. And splashed cold water on my face.
I walked out into the living room, still angry. But not full of rage.
Doesn’t it suck how when we are overtaken by our emotions, it is so much harder to remember that they are simply energy, and that we can allow ourselves to simply observe them first and not act on them???!!!
After some time had passed, my husband and I reconnected. I realized that what I was angry about was that I was not asking for the same kind of time for myself. That I was feeling hurt and unloved because he wasn’t advocating for my self care, when I spent so much time supporting his.
I requested that I needed more from him than just encouraging me to go to a yoga class or for a run when it was convenient for him – I needed him to be willing to be inconvenienced (at times) by my self-care in the same way I allowed myself to be inconvenienced for his. This would allow me to make requests for myself more often, rather than editing out my feelings when I thought it would be inconvenient.
I wanted to be able to ask for what I needed when I knew it would be inconvenient for him, and to know that there would be times he’d happily support me in that.
I apologized for yelling – to himself and my 7-month old. He thanked me for doing so, and apologized for not being more thoughtful in his requests.
I felt disconnected from him after that emotional blowout, and didn’t know how to bring us closer again. You see, when something like that happens, there is a breach of trust on both ends.
Here’s what I learned helps to reconnect after big screw ups like that one:

How to Recover When You Screw Things Up

1. Be sincere in your apology – don’t just say “I am sorry.” You can help increase your sincerity by imagining what it was like for that person, and really trying to step into their shoes so you can try to feel their suffering. This will help generate compassion, and help you apology be more sincere.
2. Resolve to not do it again. There is no sense in apologizing for yelling or being rude or being late or any other offense that pisses off someone you love if you continue to keep doing it. If you repeat the behavior over and over, your apology was full of shit. It is not enough to regret an action – you must also work on improving! This will also help your self-esteem and sense of integrity, so ultimately you benefit from it too.
This doesn’t mean you are going to be perfect. It does mean that you set the intention, regularly, to improve – and do so. My favorite Yoda quote, “Try not. Do…or do not. There is no try.”
3. Apply an antidote, which is often an action that is the opposite of what you did. That doesn’t mean that in my example, I need to talk sweet nothings because I yelled. But it does mean that I speak with gentleness and go out of my way to build emotional trust (both of us are to do this, by the way!).
4. Investigate what your trigger was. Was it a word? A situation? Fatigue/hunger/pain that was going on in the background? For me, it was the perfect storm of sleep-deprivation, stress from having to catch up on a month’s worth of mail/logistics/house stuff AND hosting Thanksgiving, and the lack of adequate self-care.
5. Make it a practice – no…a DEVOTION – to attend to your triggers, and to do the work to improve your character. We don’t get to say, “I’m a yeller. Deal with it,” or “I’m kind of selfish. You know that about me.” Nuh uh. For me, I scheduled yoga classes until we fly out of Anchorage again. I negotiated that I have regular time on vacations to do whatever I want whenever I want and not have to wait to see if it is convenient for my husband’s next adventure. As a couple, we are working on speaking to each other with the same kindness and patience that we would with our friends, and not take our proximity and intimacy for granted.
6. Be kind to yourself. I felt deep shame when I saw myself yelling in front of my daughter. I give deep thanks that I have done the work for so many years that I know I AM NOT MY EMOTIONS. I am not my body, my thoughts, or my emotions. This allows me the space to do the work, to know I am capable of it, to be able to create a longer pause between trigger and response. And I know I will continue to improve. This doesn’t give you free reign to do whatever knowing you will eventually improve. But what it does mean is that we don’t get to be stuck behind stories of being incapable of change. We are capable of anything!
So there it is. Doing the work is messy. Welcome to my mess – and my mop! Share with me below how you clean it up in your life. We are all in this together!

12 Tips for Finding Your Purpose in Life

listen to whispersSome people are fortunate enough to know from an early age exactly what resonates in their heart and soul and “gleefully” go through school doing everything to get them there.

I find this extremely annoying.

But deep down I am happy for them;)

For the rest of us, however, it’s just not that simple. So often there are the things that we think we SHOULD do and we spend a lot of our time, effort, and money going down a path that ends up being a job and just a paycheck.

The biggest problem with that is we can end up spending our entire lives following that paycheck and feeling hollow inside. This leads to all sorts of issues: depression, lack of self-esteem, chronic illness…sometimes even death. Crazy to think how powerful following one’s dream really is in our mental and physical well-being, right?!

It doesn’t mean that those of us who do follow our passions go through life with no challenges, woes, or misfortunes. Finding our purpose does give us something special… a huge gift… a purpose for living… a purpose for engaging with the world around us on a daily basis. Imagine waking up every day feeling excited about what you get to experience that day. Pretty cool, eh?

In The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield, he very straightforwardly points out that if every person on the planet found their purpose and followed their passions, there would be no need for therapists let alone medical doctors. And probably coaches too, right?!

We’ve all read stories about the person diagnosed with a terminal illness who quit their job and followed their life-long dreams only to fully recover and go on to live a long fulfilled life.

If, instead, we were taught to follow our hearts and our passions from childhood, perhaps we could live in the utopia described by Steven Pressfield. But that’s not usually what happens, and we are taught to conform and learn how to be successful following American standards for the definition of success. Most of us go off in a different, less fulfilling path and we lose sight of what fills our hearts and souls.

If you are one of the millions who hasn’t a clue about your purpose or how to live in that heart-filling manner, read on for 12 tips on how to explore your unique path and all the possibilities to find and fuel that passion in your life!

12 Tips for Finding Your Purpose in Life

1. Write down 5 things you loved as a child. What made you happy? Even if it doesn’t seem significant, you might find something in it. A client of mine did this recently and remembered her favorite Christmas present ever…it was a cigar box her mother had painted making it into a school-supply box, filled with pencils, erasers, tape, etc. She loved that box. Remembering that box made her also remember just how much she loves academics and learning. It doesn’t mean she needs or wants to be a professor to be happy…just that she loves life-long learning, and that as long as she is learning something new, she is happy!

2. Chat with your amigas. When you are talking with your friends, what gets you really excited? Sometimes our resistance gets in the way of even knowing that answer. So…ask your friends to tell you what they see as a topic that really gets you going. Maybe even ask them to suggest what they see as your life’s purpose. They quite possibly can see something you are missing.

3. Meditate. I know some of you get pissed off when I mention meditation, but hey – the shit works. Clear your mind and sit in stillness. If sitting still doing nothing with your body is hard, try a breathing practice like Nadi Shodhana, alternate nostril breathing, to really clear your mind and help you focus. The more you can sit in stillness, the more you are able to open yourself up to receive messages from your soul. Learn to pay attention to those messages and write them down so you can explore them more once they’ve had time to expand in your consciousness.

4. Walk in nature and let it fill you up. Whether it’s the woods, mountains, or a sandy beach that does it for you, go there. Spend time filling your senses with all the sights, sounds, smells, and feels… and even the tastes of the air. This helps to ground you and to open your heart to your intuitions and dreams.

5. Journal. It is amazing how much more likely we are to figure something out and then actually do it if we write it all down. Putting it into writing makes it far more real and tangible. It gives us fodder for exploration and definitions for further discussions. Spend five minutes and free-write…that means don’t sensor your thoughts and check for grammar and spelling or if you sound cool enough…just write whatever it is that comes to mind.

6. Track your dreams. Keep another little journal by your bed. Every morning, first thing, jot down any of your dreams and look for consistent themes. Pay attention to what might be causing you anxiety too. Eliminating those things can help clear the path to connecting with your passions. You can even set the intention before falling asleep that your dreams will give you insight into your passions.

7. Volunteer. Get out into the world and experience it firsthand. There’s no better way to find out what really fuels you than by doing it. It’s also a great way to eliminate those things that you thought sounded good in your head, but in reality it’s just not what you imagined. It’s also a great way to connect with like-minded people and to explore an organization. Another client of mine went from a class volunteer, to board member, to executive director of one of her passions…therapeutic horseback riding. She also eliminated the desire to become a counseling psychologist by volunteering in an eating-and-weight disorder clinic…and quickly realized that was NOT her cup of tea! Good to know, right? Way better than wondering, “What if?”

8. Visit a nursing home. It’s a great way to hear the successes and failures of longevity. Get inspired by what they did or did not do. It’s a cool opportunity to make someone’s day AND learn from someone’s else’s experiences. We really don’t have to learn everything by our own hand and something might click inside that you’d never even considered.

9. Take the Clifton Strengths Finder.  If your passions are so buried inside, and they often are, one great way to start clearing the clutter and identifying your heart’s passion is to identify some of your strengths. This can be a valuable tool in your journey to self-fulfillment.

10. Call your mom. Moms, dads, sisters, brothers…our family members often see things in us that we have covered up well and can’t find. Ask them questions about the lights they see in you and the possible causes behind the rays that brighten your being. Similar to asking your friends, but often our family knows you in ways that no one else does. Caveat: Sometimes, what they want to bring to light aren’t necessarily the good things…if that’s your scenario, skip this step!

11. Listen to the whispers of your heart. We’ve been taught to follow success, prestige, power, or status…even the all-mighty dollar, and it’s often not until we are facing our own mortality in some way, whether it’s through having children, an illness, etc., that we start to realize that maybe there really is something more. Your heart will guide you and give you clues. Now you just need to start listening. You voice of truth is often still, quiet, and peaceful. A quiet knowing. It usually doesn’t have an aggressive or negative vibe. It takes practice to hear, for sure!

12. Work with a coach. It can be difficult to change – and even more challenging to rid ourselves of – the blocks we have to living a life full of purpose. One great way to help with that is to work with a great life or career coach. It doesn’t have to be someone with a fancy degree, just someone who is willing to call you on your shit and support you in a kind, loving way through the minefield of your self-doubt. Also, look for someone who walks their talk. No sense in seeking guidance from a coach that isn’t living a life that you respect and admire.

We unfortunately don’t live in a culture that values spiritual individuality and life purpose. We live in a world that focuses on the dollar-definition of success, and we are bombarded with constant reminders that it’s all about how much money we make. The latest Cadillac commercial blatantly (and embarrassingly) tells the world just how materialistic we American are and how our focus should be on working, working, working so we, too, can drive a sleek Caddy. What they aren’t showing us are the statistics showing how many top executives suffer from depression, chronic illness, unfulfilling relationships, etc.

This is changing…and you are a part of that movement.

A couple of other tips I have to add in before I go:

Remember that your passions don’t have to be your career. If they are, then I’m doing happy dance for you! But remember that we are to LIVE our passions – not necessarily have them as part of our careers. If you can find a career that gives you more time to live your passion, then fantastic!

Lastly, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It’s a lovely story full of adventures, and a reminder of the beauty in following our true life’s purpose. I like to read it with a friend or lover.

By no means is finding your passion easy – but it is possible. When you feel like giving up, remember this quote from one of my favorite rebels, Albert Einstein:

“You never fail until you stop trying.”

Have you found your life passion? Awesome! And if you haven’t found it yet…what are your best guesses?

How to Pick Your Talisman

What do all of these photos have in common? (Hint: you might need to enlarge them to find out)

IMG_0645IMG_1057IMG_3466IMG_4374IMG_9155

These were taken years apart…and at really wildly different stages of my life (single, dating, engaged, pregnant, married, a new mama…) and the only reason I don’t have even older ones in here is because my computer recently crashed and I can’t bring myself to deal with the tech-aspects of recovering my photos and reorganizing them.

The one things that is common in all of these if the fact that I am wearing my absolute most favorite piece of jewelry: my black pearl and leather necklace.

There’s something about it. Simple, elegant, and badass all at the same time. It’s feminine, earthy, oceany and exotic. It goes with pretty much everything, and I never take it off. Well, except for massages. I take it off for those.

I can wear it in saltwater and in the shower and in my yummy pampering baths. The leather gets softer and softer, and the pearl gets more rich when it is spending time in the ocean…from whence it came.

Why do I wear it all the time? It’s not just about convenience, although it is pretty awesome that I have my elegant badass piece of jewelry on at all times.

It is about the way it makes me feel.

The funny thing is people don’t always get it. They say to me, “You are always wearing that necklace! What’s up with that?” or, “Yup…there’s Ana and her necklace” as if there’s something wrong with that.

I don’t give a shit, because you don’t ask someone, “Why are you always wearing the same wedding ring?” Why not? Because it symbolizes something eternal and ineffable.

Same with my black pearls and leather. They help me step into my sexiness, my connection to nature, my power and timelessness, my femininity and my badass. When I wear my necklace, I don’t think about if it’s the “right” piece.

It know its the freakin’ right piece.

My husband showed his knowing of me back in the day, when he proposed to me with a ring of one beautiful black pearl on leather.

How could I not say yes?!

I had heard of talismans before, in my teenage years when I explored Native American culture, in my 20s when I delved into shamanism, and again more recently, when bullshit exorcist (and one of my biz coaches) Fabeku Fatunmise asked me what talismans I would choose for myself.

But at that time, it had never occurred to me that I had worn one for over 7 years.

It was about a month ago, when taking it off for a massage, that I realized how right it felt to have it on, and how naked I felt without it.

My necklace was bought by me, for me, on a surfing trip after my recent divorce and my second more-than-annoying run in with cancer. It was a splurge, and it felt absolutely right.

I have never questioned it.

I put it on in the shop, the sound of the ocean waves crashing just outside. The stunning French woman behind the counter at Pachamama looked at me and said, in a romantic accent through her full lips, “Yesssss. You must geeeet zat.”

Oh hellz yeah.

I wear it every day…it’s been on me when I cry, when I skinny dip under the moon, when I reach the summit of the highest peak in Mongolia – pregnant. I was wearing it through breakups when I growled at an ex in Vegas (yes, I literally growled), and wilderness trips with my girlfriends amongst granite peaks.

It was on me when I started my business, when I quit my J.O.B., when I moved to Alaska, when I sold my condo in Telluride, when my heart was aching. My baby can pull on the leather without me fearing she’ll break it, and when she sticks it in her mouth, she is tasting continents and oceans and sweat and tears.

I used to think talismans were something you had to look at a lot to get their power. But now I realize it was simply by knowing what it symbolized for me, and by choosing to hold it close to me, that I shared its energy and it became my talisman.

I think talismans are important. I’m a bit too much of a multipassionate to commit to a tattoo, but if I ever conjured one up that felt like it would fit forever, I’d probably get one. So, I’ll stick to my necklace for now. I also have other stones, and fabrics, and essential oils that I use.

What are your talismans? What are those things in your life that when you connect with them, you step into your highest truth and power?

wonderwomanmugIf you don’t have any, what are one or two you can think of right now? Here’s another one of mine – I use it before many of my coaching calls with clients and sip exquisite teas with heavy whipping cream…

How to Pick Your Talisman

If you’re having trouble, here are some tips:

  • If you don’t know where to start, begin with getting clear on how you feel when you are tapped into the flow. If you need more help with this, check out the free Clarity + Courage course. This could be one feeling or a bunch of feelings, but whatever it is, be clear about what this FEELS like, and don’t get caught up in the word you use for that feeling. THEN, pick your talisman based on if it helps you feel that way.
  • Do you have any go-to items of clothing or jewelry that you wear when you’re feeling down? How do they make you feel? If it’s feeling more connected to your truth and your inner power (aka ziji), then this could be a talisman for you.
  • Are you attracted to certain stones or materials? Like granite, or quartz, lapis lazuli, silk, velvet, leather…Do this make you feel connected to your most magnificent self?
  • Try to pick things that are accessible to you at all times, or at least easily accessible. That way you can tap into them when needed or on a regular basis.
  • Is there a movie you love to watch that, when you’ve gotten to the credits, you feel like anything is possible, or that you are calm and centered and grounded and at peace, or however the hell you really want to feel? For me, it’s movies like The Matrix, or Empire Strikes Back. When I watch those, even making the bed becomes a Jedi practice.
  • Is there a song, an essential oil, a flower, a picture (you get the idea) that helps you tap into this juicy feeling of yours?

Happy talisman hunting!

Simplifying is complicated

365lpgSimplifying is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be.

There is So. Much. Stuff. to sift through. So many papers. So many itty bitty tchotchke things. So many decisions to make:

  • Do I keep this?
  • If not, do I sell it? Give it away to friends or family? Donate it to charity? Set it out on the street with a FREE sign?
  • Will I need this in the near future?
  • Why the hell did I keep this? It must have been for a reason…maybe I shouldn’t toss it until I think about it a bit longer…
  • Will my husband think it’s weird that I want to keep this? Why do I care??!!!
  • What if I die tomorrow…should I put a note on this to not read it but just burn it? (this is what I often think about when I look at my stacks of old journals).

So you see my point.

I wrote a blog post on how to make these decisions, but man, the more stuff you have, the more epic it gets. If you can trust me on this one: get rid of “it” now (“it” being that thing you’re wondering about and will likely eventually let go of).

You won’t want to do what I’m doing and get rid of it later along with hundreds of other things.

Kind of like cleaning the kitchen as you cook.

What do you guys do with your journals? I am thinking of reading through them (once this new mama has found time to wipe my arse first), then ceremoniously burning them. But there’s still the conundrum of what to tell people to do with them should I die first.

I never knew simplifying could be so morbid!

How do you handle bumps in life?

Head shot of worried womanI sat there breathing slowly, my eyes slightly closed, and my palms slightly sweaty. I tried keeping my eyes open and taking in the beautiful views, but then I would just think about crashing into the dangerously cold water below, or clipping one of the ridges we were really close to when the plane would drop a few feet in the turbulence. It was a small plane – only 7 passengers and their luggage could fit.

I had my 5-month old baby close to me as I wore her in a Moby wrap, and wrapped my arms tightly around her. I tried to think of as many positive thoughts as I could. “We are safe,” I would chant inwardly. I visualized a protective bubble around us, and every time the plane dropped, I would take a deep breath and try to relax myself.

One of my spiritual teachers taught me to make sure that I had positive thoughts at the time of death, so that my soul wouldn’t be “thrown” into a negative next life. I remembered this – while realizing I was ironically remembering it because I thought I might die – and changed my thoughts to be more positive.

Some girl with a rhinestone headset on kept trying to talk to the pilot, and I wanted to say, “Shut the fuck up and let the man concentrate!” But she was up front and I was tucked in the back. And to yell it would have potentially distracted the pilot.

Before takeoff, the pilot said, “Make sure your seatbelts are on very tight, because it’s going to be really bumpy until we get out past the hovercraft landing pad.”

“Oh, cool!” one of the guys in front of us said. He was a hunter dressed in camouflage, trying to be nonchalant. Once the bumps started, he and the other three men in front of us were silent the entire time. Absolutely silent, and looking straight ahead.

My husband kept trying to give me a freakin’ expedition planner series the whole time, saying things like, “See over there? It seems you could packraft across to that other island pretty easily” or “See that beach over there? I stored some whale bones over there last time I was here. We should hike out there…I think we could get there by gaining that ridge…” He loved plane rides – bumpy or not – for the free flightseeing tour.

Making the most of his thriftiness, I suppose…

I looked at him sternly. “I am not listening to anything you’re saying, or looking at any of those spots, until this plane lands.”

Bumpy rides were never my favorite thing, but ever since I had my baby, I dislike them even more. I almost quit working in the bush entirely because I hate these flights. But I love working with the people in the villages more.

The pilot stayed calm, his eyes scanning all around the entire time, looking for signs of bad gusting winds or topography that would signal possible worsening turbulence in that area.

Maia slept the whole time, enjoying the “rocking.”

We got out of the turbulence and my hands relaxed. Easy conversation began up front. I started to point out the beautiful peaks above the clouds to my husband, asking if he knew their names.

The plane landed and I clapped. I clap every time the plane lands, and have been doing so for years, ever since the entire plane started clapping after our landing on a small plane flight in Nepal. It made sense to me – it IS a miracle that we can get through the air in a huge heavy metal thing. We should be freakin’ throwing confetti every time a place lands!

After my adrenaline subsided, I began to reflect on the different ways we all dealt with the situation: silence, talking too much and too loudly, affirmations and visualizations, visual distractions, feigned humor…

How do you deal with the bumps in life? I don’t think one way is necessarily better than the other – that’s not the point of this post. But what I do think is important is to develop an awareness when we are engaging in one of these activities.

It’s a signal to us that something is making us nervous. Maybe it’s something good, like your Big Crush starting a conversation. Maybe it’s something very objectively dangerous, like my small plane ride in major turbulence (we had two days of cancellations due to weather, and we flew out in a small window of “good enough” weather).

Either way, start noticing what you do. Don’t disregard it – it’s info…just like your emotions are information about what you need or don’t need and whether you are meeting said needs; and just like your when your body has aches and pains, it is telling you it needs something.

Unless what you do compromises other people’s needs –  like the woman talking to the pilot in an obnoxious way on my plane (he eventually told her to cut it out) – I don’t think you even need to change these responses unless you want to. Perhaps your response is getting in the way of something you want, or perhaps it is simply incongruent with the way you want to show up in the world.

But definitely know and understand how you respond to life’s little  – or big – bumps.

Here are some tips:

1) Recall 5 different stressful/fearful/anxious/uncomfortable situations

2) Do you recognize any patterns in how you handled it? Or perhaps you react a certian way with each different type of stressor (relationship vs work vs financial vs physical danger)?

Assess all areas such as your body (your posture, noticing any tension, shallow breathing, tight chest, etc), voice, hand gestures, eyes (do you look at the ground, make eye contact, or have eyes darting all over the place)

3) Are you OK with how you are experiencing this stress, or is there something about it you’d like to change? For example, I am fine with my method of focus and going inward and creating positive affirmations and visualizations. It works for me, and doesn’t weigh on others, really. I am NOT OK with how I get fixated on the negative when I am sleep deprived, so I’d like to work on that.

4) Share with me below in the comments – I’d love to hear from you!