Take Imperfect Action – You Never Know What Will Happen!

In my writing group, I was given the task to share a painful memory I had from middle school. If your middle school years were anything like mine, you can understand why it didn’t take long for me to come up with one.

When I was between clients, I wrote a short piece about a time when my best friend had abandoned me and proceeded to shame me. I felt devastatingly alone.

While writing, I didn’t over-think it, I didn’t re-write it, and I certainly didn’t submit it with the thought it would get published. What I did do was tell myself that I was going to write regularly, and submit regularly, and let go of things needing to be perfect.

Guess what?! The piece turned out to be the first article I’ve ever had published!

This affirmed for me that the level of time, energy, suffering, and pain that we put into something does not directly correlate with whether someone will like it or not.

Yes, I have worked very hard and achieved some great life goals as a result…and sometime things – especially when inspired – can affect people in ways you never would have imagined, even if it feels easy.

I don’t think this was the best thing I’ve ever written. I kind of wish one of the other pieces I’ve submitted was accepted instead. But I’m going to soak it up and enjoy this moment.

I want you to remember that you never know how something you say, do, write, or create will impact someone else. Something that you think is “nothing” can change someone’s life. Something you think is “not so impressive” can actually inspire others.

Try out what I did – commit to taking action every day towards your passions.

Hit the metaphorical (or actual) submit button. See what happens.

You never know!

Check out my article here. It’s over in Elephant Journal, one of the few online magazines I actually read.

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

being a “hypocrite” isn’t as bad as it seems

Religion and sex. Discipline and wildness. Security and freedom. There are dichotomies everywhere. It’s nature. Yin and Yang.

However, in the culture a lot of us live in, it is considered hypocritical to stand with one foot in each of these contrasting spaces. We are encouraged – and often forced – to choose one or the other.

How can you be a Buddhist who eats meat? That’s so hypocritical!

How can you be all about freedom, then tell me I have to have more discipline in my life?

How can you claim to prioritize your children’s security, yet want to get a divorce and quit your job?

How can you be Jewish and respect Islam? Crazy!

There isn’t much room for holding opposites or contrasts in the same space – yet this is often where the deep work happens. The stuff that changes us, evolves us, strengthens us.

You may be familiar with this image: 

This is the Taoist tai chi, or yin-yang, symbol that reflects a fundamental truth of life – that life is full of polarities. The opposites, at their extremes, evolve into the other. Each has a part of its opposite within itself as well. You can’t have one without the other. They need each other. Like light needs darkness to exist.

When I was in the desert on a wilderness fast, there was a beautiful man in our group who was desperately torn between two very powerful forces in his life: one was of him as an influential and prominent community leader and role model, and the other as a sensual polyamorous lover (note: aspects of this story have been changed to respect privacy). He simply could not see how he could choose between these two very potent parts of his life. He saw them as completely opposite and utterly divergent realities (and perhaps you do as well). His soul was fraught with the thought of having to let one go, yet he felt so hypocritical being both at the same time. His suffering was palpable.

All of us spend more time in a similar space than we may realize. Perhaps you’re like me, leading a primarily healthy life (even coaching others to do so) and then you head into the fast food restaurant, in shame. Or you post on Facebook about all your time in the mountains and doing yoga on standup paddle boards…and then you binge on 8 hours of Netflix the next day, not telling a soul.

Or perhaps you love your family, yet you feel your soul will wither and die if you don’t go back to school or on that month-long retreat or travel the world… which means less time with your family.

Why, Freedom Junkies!? Why do we feel we need to be so…boring?

‘Cuz sister, being so predictable is actually quite boring. And us humans are definitely not boring.

Some people may say the sense of hypocrisy we feel when we hold two opposed beliefs has to do with integrity. I challenge that. Integrity is not about moral perfection. At least not entirely. While one definition is “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness,” another is “the state of being whole and undivided.”

It’s the attempts at dividing who we are into pieces and then neglecting them that tear us apart. It’s ignoring our complexity and diversity that truly harms our integrity – our ability to be whole.

I propose we all spend more time in the middle of the mandorla of these complexities. A mandorla is an image that can be used to demonstrate the concept that there is a space of overlap between two seemingly-opposed or contrasting realities (in this example, it’s Heaven and Earth, but you can use any contrasting thoughts/beliefs/constellations of your being). When we can stand in the center, without seeing two seemingly dissonant concepts as mutually exclusive, we can start to be…real. Whole. Authentic. Imperfectly perfect.

The mandorla is where the dance between the contrast occurs.

What seemingly contradictory beliefs, thoughts, or aspects of your being do you have in your life that are difficult to reconcile? Is there anything that you are feeling you have to choose between because it seems so contradictory to be both?

Whenever we see things as “it is EITHER this way OR that way,” there is a closing up of the heart and mind going on. Be open to the idea that we can hold two ideas at once. That we can BE two things at once. I believe it is in this space that the good work is done.

If you have two parts of you that feel at odds, that are tearing you apart, it’s really important that you begin to explore that.

If you have a belief that two things are irreconcilable, I recommend the mandorla as well.

Try this mandorla activity that I learned from one of my mentors, Bill Plotkin:

:: Sit on the floor or in a chair. Mentally place one of these aspects of yourself on your right, and the other on your left.

:: Then, pick one of the sides, walk over into its space, and advocate for it to the other side. Really milk it. Make the most hard-core arguments you can for why that side is “right.” Think of everything you can. All the low-blows. All the things your mother or priest or sister or boss would want you to say (if applicable;).

:: Next, go to the opposite side, and do the same for that opposite aspect of yourself. Full-on, pedal-to-the-metal, no B.S. championing for that side.

:: Then, when you feel complete, sit in the middle, in the mandorla. It will often feel very uncomfortable. If so, do the activity again, arguing again for each side. Then once again, sit in the middle. Keep doing this until you feel all arguments have been made, both sides fully “heard.”

Eventually, in the mandorla, you will likely start to see that things are really not as they seem. They are not as black and white as you thought. They are not as…contradictory. They are actually not so separate.

When you arrive at a place where you can embrace these separate aspects of you, you are not being a hypocrite. A hypocrite is “a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.” When you act in a way that ignores your beliefs or feelings, that is being hypocritical. When you accept yourself entirely, you are not acting hypocritically.

You are…human. Complex. And now, whole. In integrity.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

why we let ourselves down

If you’re anything like me (or most humans), you start off with good intentions, make a promise to yourself to do things differently, and then don’t follow through.

You may say things like, “I will only have one glass of wine tonight” and it ends up being 3 (or more).

Maybe you say, “I won’t spend anymore money on clothes,” which works fine until the next Patagonia sale.

You might even say, “ I will not go on a second date with someone that does not reach out to me first,” which you stick to like glue until you feel extra lonely on a Friday night.

WTF? Why do we do that? Why do we go against our word…especially when its our word to ourselves?

Here’s the deal. Most people (and to be honest, many coaches themselves) focus on taking action “no matter what.” That means the emphasis is on taking action even if that action goes against every thought running through your head.

So you think, “Having another glass of wine is going to feel sooooo good.” Then you fight that thought all night and you succeed and succeed…until you don’t.

You think, “Buying that will be soooooo fun!” Then you fight that thought…until you don’t.

You think, “I am so afraid of being alone the rest of my life.” And you fight that with all your might….until you can’t anymore, and give in to the booty call.

Do you see a pattern here? No matter how many times you’ve successfully taken an action (or non-action, like refraining from going out for that booty call), if the underlying thought doesn’t change, you will eventually give in to your desires.

Resisting a powerful thought or feeling does not work in the long-run.

My colleague, Brooke Castillo, likens resisting your desires to pushing a beach ball under water and trying to hold it there. When you are resisting your desires, you can keep it up for awhile, but you can’t keep it up forever. You eventually have to let go.

A side note for those of you that cringe at the idea of resisting your desires: This isn’t about resisting healthy desires. This is about those desires we have that don’t serve our higher selves.

If you’ve been with me for awhile, you know I talk about how thoughts create our beliefs, which create our feelings, which create our actions, and ultimately create our reality/life experience.

In order to change our feelings (like a strong desire) we need to change our thoughts. Yes, we can try to change the action through resisting, but in most cases, since the thought is still there, we eventually can’t keep up with trying to change the action.

Unless we change our thoughts, the feeling that drives the actions we take does not change and ultimately, our actions don’t permanently change.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could change out behavior and have it feel…easy? To have it not be a constant battle with our feelings? And to have that change be permanent?

If we want to create a new reality – not buying something we don’t need; not having “just one more” drink or one more slice of pizza; not going out with people who don’t truly appreciate and love us, or anything else that doesn’t serve our evolution as human beings – we need to change our thoughts about the situation.

Start here:

:: What feeling do you think doing x, y, or z will make you feel? Do you think it will make you feel happy? Strong? Loved? That’s your current thought. (“Eating this will make me feel better.” “Going out with them will help me feel connected/loved.”)

:: Notice that the way you feel after thinking that thought is often a shittier feeling than you intended (weak, needy, self-pity, self-hatred, etc.), which is why you do something that makes you feel shitty in the end (crazy, right?!)

:: What different thought do you need to have in order to feel the way you want to feel, that isn’t dependent on someone else or doing something that isn’t healthy for you? (“I don’t need this glass of wine – I like to feel energized and fully present every day.” “I am more than enough as I am.” “This is exactly what I am supposed to be feeling right now.”

Make that thought your new best friend.

Don’t worry if this doesn’t come easily. This is stuff I teach my clients over and over again, and I continue to practice it myself every day.

But you must start trying.

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

you can do hard things

Once upon a time, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. As a teen, I was resentful I had a schizophrenic, bi-polar father and a mother that was abusive despite her best intentions. I hated that I grew up in a very poor neighborhood that was so violent my mother didn’t let me get the mail since we had so many drive-by shootings, and that we never got it together enough to own a house so we had to move at the mercy of our landlords.

More recently, I was feeling sorry that I had to work so much to provide insurance for our family ($2600 a month for a family of three with a $10,000 deductible! In Oregon our plan was 1/4 that with a low deductible); I was resentful that I “had” to get a doctoral degree when I had a toddler (long story I won’t go into here); I was bitter that my husband was gone so much and that I was home alone with my kid way more that I wanted to be…and more. The self-pity party went on and on… waaahhhh.

Deep down, I knew this wasn’t serving me. But it really did feel like my life was messed up at the time, and that I had a right to be pissed about it.

I’m sure you’ve felt this way a few times, yes?

I was so blocked about this – the hard stuff seemed so hard that it really did seem factual that my life was not the way it was supposed to be.

I couldn’t self-coach around it, so I asked my coach to let me vent for 2 minutes, and at the end she says to me, “You know…that all sounds pretty badass to me.”

I was taken aback.

Right.

The other way to look at the hard things we have had to deal with in life is, “Hey – I’m a badass. That’s right. I did this. Me.”

I am providing for my family. I am Doctor Ana Verzone, thank you very much. I live in the most awe-inspiring state ever – yes, it is harder to live here, and we savor it even more as a result. I’m married to an adventurer and I can hold down the fort alone when need be. I grew up poor and now I’m not. I chose all this, and the Universe dealt me this hand, because I am a badass, and I can handle it.

All that shit you wish didn’t happen to you? It is part of your badassery training (if badassery is even a word).

Flip the self-pity into self-admiration, sister. This party is just getting started.

You survived that shit. And now you’re learning to thrive.

The broken heart?

Getting fired?

The messed-up childhood?

The abusive relationship you are ashamed about?

Your chronic illness?

All of it – all the hard stuff – has forged you into something stronger. But it’s up to you to see that.

We can do hard things.

You can do hard things. You already have.

What about you, badass? What have you survived? What have you risen above? What battle scars do you bear?

Chin up.

You’ve got this.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

let people be wrong about you

Here’s a little secret: one of the most relaxing things you can do for yourself – better than a spa vacation in a remote mountain area or trolling a fishing line by your kayak in the Sea of Cortez – is to let people be wrong about you.

I know – it sounds crazy, right? But think about it. How much mental energy goes into protecting our image, defending our stance, or worrying about what other people think about us?

Answer: a shit-ton.

Here’s a quirky thing you might not know about me: I received a near-perfect score on the “logic” portion of the Graduate Record Exam (the GRE is a hideous, multi-hour test you have to take for most graduate program admissions). You might think, “Wow! That’s awesome, Ana! You’re life much be so much easier because you’re all logical and shit.”

Not.

Life is actually harder when you not only feel you are right, but know you are often right. This is because most of the time, us humans are super illogical, so no amount of logic can easily change our thoughts, behavior or how we feel. We do things not based on our rational brain, but on how we think something will make us feel. And most of us want to avoid hard feelings, so we do super illogical things like overeat when we are stressed out about trying to lose weight, or snap at our partner when we want to grow closer to them.

Silly humans!

So you see: the way people think – and the way people think about you – actually has nothing to do with logic (which is super frustrating for someone with a very logical brain;) You will likely never be able to convince them they are wrong, because they don’t actually think what they about you because they have a logical reason for why they are “right.” They think what they do about you because of how it makes them feel.

Mind-blowing, right?

So your partner, who swears you never told them about the party tonight and defends it to their core (even though you know you told him 2 weeks ago)?

It likely won’t help to repeatedly describe the exact details of when and how you told them. Why? Maybe they need to believe it wasn’t their fault that they forgot so they can feel good about themselves. Who knows! But the point is, life will get much easier if you let go of trying to convince them otherwise. Just help them get their pants on and get out the door.

Your (read: my) online hater who writes you a scathing email about how lovely your life must be since you grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth/have a rich husband who supports you/(insert made-up story here)?

It won’t matter to write back and say, “Um, no. I grew up poor and in the ghetto and with a schizophrenic father and a mother that took her stress out on me. And I make more than my husband, thank you very much.” They need to think that about you for a reason. Anything you do or say likely won’t help, because they don’t want to feel differently.

This goes back to one of the main things I teach in my Ziji Up! confidence course: our thoughts create our feelings – and only YOU can change your own thoughts. When people have a thought about you in order to avoid experiencing a hard feeling, trying to change their thoughts about it with logic will be like Sisyphus rolling the proverbial boulder uphill. Don’t bother.

THEY need to go in there and change their thoughts when they are ready and willing. When someone is avoiding a hard feeling, they are NOT going to let you in their head to mess with that unless they are good and ready.

So you see, it’s easier to just let go of what other people think of you. It has nothing to do with you. It’s them. It’s about how they not just want – but need – to feel about themselves in that moment. And trust me: we all do this.

When I know I am right about something and my husband thinks otherwise, I often say to him, “But that doesn’t make any sense!!!!” (followed by a deep, guttural growl and the suppression of the GRE-style logical reasoning to accompany it). And truly, it doesn’t. But that doesn’t matter.

The reason I think it’s so important for me to be right is because I am doing the same thing! Oh, the irony…

I think correcting his thoughts about me will make me feel better. Loved, seen, heard, understood…all those “good” things that seem like important and valid reasons for arguing back. But what’s really happening is I am creating more distance between us, and more suffering as a result – in him, and in me.

Silly humans.

So next, time, I can focus on letting go of what he thinks about me, even when it’s something wrong and “bad” about me. The ironic thing is that allowing wrong thoughts about me would allow us to grow closer. I can let go, move on, and he will feel a nice “victory” and we can get on with having fun in life.

The same kind of freedom happens when we don’t react to anyone else who has negative opinions about us – and when we don’t let what others think about us affect the way we feel.

The next time you start obsessing about how someone is thinking something “wrong” about you, remind yourself that it isn’t about you. They want to feel better in that moment, and they need to think that about you to keep it going.

You know the truth of yourself.

You have the capacity of a big, open heart that can let people think wrong things about you – because you know they are hurting in a big or small way, and that they need that “win” for the moment.

So go on: let people be wrong about you. There are way better things to be thinking, feeling, and doing.

That is true freedom…

Here’s to you feeling it!

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Funding (vs finding) your purpose

My clients often want to focus on how to make their passion their source of income – and I totally get it! I am so freakin’ psyched that I get to do what I love AND get paid. However, I have been coaching a long time, and let me tell you: there are other options that also lead to a meaningful and fulfilling life.

How do you know when you should look into funding vs finding your purpose?

While there isn’t a hard-and-fast rule, one big sign is that you start losing your mojo and passion for your purpose once you start getting paid for it. While this can often be shifted with some mindset alchemy, for some people, the juice simply goes dry when they start “having” to do their work.

What happens next is that people often start judging and berating themselves, saying “Why can’t you just get it together and do this?! You’re so lucky that people even want to pay for this!”

This happened to me when I was a climbing guide. There were several reasons why I moved on, but a main one was that after 10 years of guiding, I started to feel burned out and missed going into the mountains just to play. But I kept putting off leaving because I knew so many people would be stoked to be in my shoes!

Another sign is if you are so stressed about making money from your passion that you are not able to enjoy life. Another way of saying this is that you don’t like being an entrepreneur – not everyone does, and that is absolutely, 100% OK! It can definitely be stressful to not have a reliable paycheck, and for some people, that discomfort is just too much. That does not mean something is wrong with you.

A client of mine loved painting, but when she started to have to paint-on-demand with commissions, and when she started to stress about paying the bills with her art, she lost the joy in her painting and it became super stressful. She was irritable, couldn’t sleep, and realized she was less happy than when she had her previous job and painted in her off-time. She realized she was not into being an entrepreneur, and we designed a lifestyle that would help her have more time for her painting – more time for her passion and purpose. She still sold pieces, but it wasn’t a stressful pursuit.

You have the option to find a livelihood that allows you the time and money to pursue your passions and live your purpose. Some of my clients have found this with massage therapy, being a server at a fun restaurant, teaching, travel nursing…there are definitely options! When you can make the money you need that also gives you the time off to simply DO what you love without stressing what income it can make for you…it can feel so freeing.

That’s what nursing did for me. Working three 12 hour shifts that paid me more than I had ever made working 24-7 as a guide allowed me to travel the world and climb for pure fun. And I loved the ER! It wasn’t my purpose or passion, but I didn’t mind going to work. I had great ER stories to tell while belaying my friends on big walls;) Then I started working as a travel nurse/locums and my freedom opened up even more.

Let me be clear here: This does not mean you should take a job you hate, or one that feels empty of any joy. What I do mean is that it’s OK to take a job that’s good enough – that you find fun and where you enjoy your colleagues – if it allows you more time, money and freedom to truly enjoy your passions!

I know that may sound like heresy in the life coaching world. The phrase “good enough” is to life coaches what the Paleo movement was to vegans. But here’s the difference: I am not saying that you should live a life that is “good enough.” I am saying that it’s OK to have a form of livelihood that’s “good enough” so that you can live a truly epic life.

The type of work that allows you the means and time off to truly live an epic life is not easy to find – but it is out there. The bottom line is don’t fall into another pattern of “shoulding” on yourself thinking the only happy people out there are ones that are making money from their passions.

Another downside of that type thinking is that some people’s life purpose often has nothing to do with a form of income, and if they keep thinking it should, they may totally miss their life purpose all together…

You’ve heard me say “Freedom is a Feeling” over and over. It’s because I know it’s true! Be open to what it might look like for you. What matters is that you feel it.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

How To Set Boundaries That Actually Work

Do you remember how proud you were when you set your first “healthy boundary?” I do.

I remember finally planting my metaphorical foot down after months of frustration. I told someone I was dating that I wasn’t going to tolerate anymore flaking or not showing up when he said he would. I deserved my time to be respected. I set my boundary and … he listened!

Well done! I thought to myself. Should have done that months ago!

But…he didn’t listen for long. In the end it was a battle of me re-setting boundaries, trying to control his behavior, then him complying…and eventually breaking them again. Then I’d withdraw to “enforce” the boundary…rinse, repeat.

When I was first taught about boundaries, it was in the context of women who do too much for other people, and not enough for themselves. It came across to me that I had to be firm and defend myself against others asking me to do things I didn’t want to do, or allowing them to act in ways that were not healthy for me. Sounds like a good idea right?

While that sounds like a really good idea on the surface, the way I was doing it ended up leading to not-so-good things for everyone involved. Things like Anger. Frustration. Control.

That last one is the biggest thing – it turns out unbeknownst to me, I was using boundaries to control other people’s behavior. I was giving ultimatums like “you do/don’t do this…or else!” This is not a healthy way to set boundaries – yet it is the way most of us were taught to set them.

Most of us set boundaries based on how we can change how someone else behaves, and not on our power of choice and agency to do what is best for us.

The healthy way to create boundaries necessitates remembering a very important thing: that boundaries are all about YOUR behavior.

Whaaaaat?! That’s right. The focus of a healthy boundary is actually not about the other person doing or not doing what you want at all. They are all grown up, and whether you like it or not, they “get” to do whatever they want. I know. It sounds crazy. But stick with me for a long minute;)

A healthy boundary is all about what you are going to do. It is a consequence you set that is completely based on an action you will take.

For example, if your mother is constantly belittling you when she calls, you can create a boundary. You can say, “Mom, it is not OK for you to belittle me when we talk. I love you, but if you start to do that, I will let you know I am going to hang up, and we can talk again when belittling isn’t part of the conversation.”

Then, if she does it again, you say, “OK mom, I love you, and I’m going to hang up now. When you’re ready to talk without doing that, we can chat again.”

You don’t continue to try to change her or “make her stop.” You just take care of yourself.

You may have noticed a few other things in this example:

1) The boundary isn’t about something petty. Some people want to set boundaries around things like getting people to stop giving them unsolicited advice, or doing something annoying like talking too loudly. That is actually attempting to control someone and not letting them be themselves – which is not OK.

Boundaries are set for big-deal items: emotional or physical boundaries. People do not get to hit you. People do not get to emotionally abuse you (like the belittling in the example above). People do not get to break your trust.

You may wonder – Hold on, girl! What’s the difference between setting a boundary and making a request for my preferences, then? Can’t I ask someone to stop something that annoys me?

YES! Make all the requests you want!

If someone is not crossing a physical or emotional boundary but is simply annoying you, choose to either share your time and energy with them, or not. Make a request, or not. Requests don’t have “consequences.” The person either does it or not, and you do the work to learn how to be happy either way.

If you choose to still be around them, let go of trying to change who they are.

Don’t forget to not let whether they comply or not affect your happiness or your sense of empowerment. It really isn’t appropriate to create boundary around something you’re simply being annoyed by. That’s usually solvable by you changing your thoughts about what’s going on and not taking them personally.

That can be a big-girl-panties concept, but I know you’ve got this;)

2) Boundaries (unlike simple requests) have a consequence that is about an action you will take, and you need to follow through on this. Using the example above, if your mom/partner/friend belittles you and you don’t hang up like you said you would, that removes the strength and purpose form the boundary. It also tends to eat away at your self-respect and self-esteem. You end up not trusting yourself, which is usually worse that the original breach of the boundary anyway.

3) The boundary does not come from a place of anger. Your happiness should not rely on this person’s actions. Therefore, the boundary is simply to honor yourself, and you can choose to not take it personally and step away from the unhealthy situation. No drama. Just, “No, thank you.”

Let’s see more examples of what this all looks like:

If you have a friend who is constantly late and this wears on your time and energy, you can choose to stay friends with her and say, “I get you’re often late, it’s what you do. But it’s hard for me when I waste my time when I’d rather spend time with you. So, if you are more than 15 minutes late, I’m going to leave.” Shazam! You honor who she is, and you honor your needs.

In this example, you are choosing to stay friends with this person, and creating a boundary that respects both your needs. You can also choose not to remain friends with this person if they don’t follow through. In either case, you can walk away – without drama.

In my relationship example in the beginning, choosing to leave when it was clear my emotional boundaries and trust were not being honored would have been better than trying to control someone else’s behavior. I could have said, “If x, y, z behavior continues, that doesn’t work for me.” Then I would have left – which ended up happening anyway – but it would have happened with me being in a much more empowered place – and much sooner. That would have saved both of us a lot of time and energy and suffering. And way less drama.

I know some of these concepts can be a bit WTF for you right now, but let it simmer awhile. Check it out and observe the difference between people setting healthy boundaries vs. trying to control someone else’s behavior. As one of my favorite spiritual teachers would tell me, “Check your mind. Check it for yourself.”

What are your deal-breakers that you’d like to set boundaries for? Are you able to differentiate between the need for boundaries vs making a request? If not, shoot me an email. Trust me – I’ve been there!

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

the mother wound + healing

I’m writing this post on Mother’s Day, and I know that not all of us have had deep and fulfilling relationships with our mothers. If your relationship with your mother is intimate and warm, I hope you celebrate this day with her in your heart or in person! Consider yourself blessed. And if you are a mama, I celebrate you for choosing that courageous path and growing little humans that will eventually be caretakers of our planet (no pressure;)!

However, our mother is the one person in our life capable of creating one of the deepest wounds possible – known as “the mother wound.” This email is for those of you with a tender mother wound.

When we share such deep bonds with someone, growing inside their body and relying on them so deeply, and then hopefully  being nourished by them physically and emotionally once we are born (or not, if they had to give us up, or weren’t capable of doing so)..when they hurt us, it cuts deeper than any other pain.

We can spend our whole lives suffering this wound. Or not.

Instead, we can choose to know this wound is shared in our humanity. Like many wounds and types of suffering, it is only possible because of the depth of love that is possible. It is precisely because we can love so deeply that we can suffer so deeply. It’s part of the deal of being human. All mothers are bound to let us down at some point. It is up to us to know they are human.

Instead of focusing on what was missing, we can choose to focus on the love that was there…that our mothers kept us alive and nourished us – however imperfectly – despite their own suffering and pain.

We can choose to create the love we want in our lives – by nourishing friendships and relationships, and even with healing our mother wound when we are ready.

Know that your happiness does not depend on your mother, or anyone else. You can choose to create happiness in your life now. You can choose to think new thoughts about your life – to write a new story about your wound.

You can start to see the ways in which your wound has shaped and forged you in alchemical ways to be someone with your unique gifts. Indeed, some theories suggest the mother wound happens to us in exactly the way we needed it to to shape us spiritually in this life – when we are courageous enough to let it.

Let it. Let your past be the thing that helps you grow into the phenomenal person you are destined to be. Shape your mind and soul to look to the present and future with a bright heart.

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

Dealing With Guilt

There was a time when I could say with conviction that I had no regrets. Back then, it was primarily because I was able to conjure up a ton of self-compassion and realize that I was, despite my flaws, always doing my best. And that’s all we really can do.

Right?…

Well…lately that thought hasn’t been able to help my sense of regret go away. At all. The self-compassion was getting pretty hard to dig up.

I’ve been having a lot of guilt around my mother’s death and how I don’t think I showed up the way I’d have liked to. And I really needed to turn that around because it wasn’t serving me or my community to be wallowing in it.

All through the years I called my mom, I texted her, I asked her to move in (but Alaska is a hard place to convince an Islander like her to move to), I’d fly her up to Alaska 7 weeks at a time a few times a year. I even FaceTimed with her the day she died when we were in Morocco, calling her even though I knew it was 2am in California. I told her I loved her…but not like it was the last time I’d ever say it.

But while I was a good daughter on the phone, when we were together I wasn’t always the nicest (we have a complicated history). In fact, even though I always apologized right after, I could also be downright mean. And during my doctoral program I didn’t visit her as much as I normally would have, so she didn’t get to see me or her granddaughter more than the one very stressful 8-day trip we took to Yosemite the last year of her life. And there are so many other ways I was an imperfect daughter that hurt to think about.

In the end, do I think she knew I loved her (albeit imperfectly)? I think so. I hope so.

But when I try to tell myself that I was doing my best, I don’t believe it. It doesn’t seem to be working right now. I go back and forth to all the times I could have visited or the ways I could have responded better when I felt hurt. Why didn’t I coach myself during those times of irritation so I could let go? Why didn’t I meditate more – I know that I am a better person what I do…What if what if what if…

You’ve been there in that cycle of obsessive thinking. It’s exhausting, right?

And trust me – if you’re trying to do some serious self-coaching and change a negative thought to a more helpful thought so that your feelings and actions create the reality you actually want to experience, you better actually believe that new thought you are plugging into the equation.

Telling myself I did my best sounded like…bullshit.

I was feeling lost, my coach wasn’t available over the weekend to help me work it out (yup – believe it or not, most of us coaches have our own coaches!), and I couldn’t find a new, believable thought to help me shift things.

Then, while in a 2-minute meditation (hey – 2 minutes is better than nothing!) I remembered this:

Everything that is happening, that has happened, and that will happen is exactly what is meant to be.

You know why? Because it IS what has happened. It IS what is happening. And we don’t always get to know why. But if it wasn’t meant to happen that way, it wouldn’t have. Really!

Once I digested this, my chest relaxed, my spirit opened up, and my ability to forgive myself started to spark. That’s what guilt and regrets really are: the emotional baggage we have when we can’t forgive ourselves, or when we think we are responsible for other people’s feelings.

Or when we lack the self-compassion to see that we are all human and that life can be hard and hurt and that we are all imperfect. That even when we aren’t doing out best, we are still doing what is supposed to be happening in that moment…for some reason..and we may never know why it was supposed to be that way.

We don’t get to decide what other people’s spiritual journeys are. What experiences they are “supposed” to have. None of that.

Are you having a hard time feeling guilt or regret? Try seeing what happens when you realize that for some reason, whatever happened was exactly what was supposed to happen. In the bigger picture, in the bigger Mystery of it all, it really was.

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

What to Do When You’re Not Motivated

Sometimes (and on bad days it’s way more than sometimes), I know exactly what I need to do, and I. Just. Can’t. Do. It. I’m just not motivated.

I have a feeling you’re with me on this one.

There are days when I know yoga would be just the thing to lift my mood, and then I somehow take too long dealing with stuff at home and miss a class. Or when I know that I should not have the pizza, but then I decide it’s a really good pizza and go for it, even though I know the gluten is going to make me wish I didn’t give my pregnancy pants away.

Then when something like Earth Day rolls around, I really start to think about why it is so damn hard for me to do some of the simpler things that help our planet be healthier – like forget to tell people not to give me plastic utensils when I get takeout (I have a wooden bamboo set in my car!) or ride my bike more (and drive less).

Truth is, I may wonder, but I know the answer. And it’s likely the same for you.

Here’s a way to look at how things work:

– our thoughts create our beliefs
– our beliefs create our feelings
– our feelings create our actions (everything we do/don’t so is because we think it will make us feel better or avoid suffering)
– our actions create our reality/results/life experience

This is not new. This chain of events is well-known in spiritual traditions (especially those with meditation as a component), psychology, and other behavioral sciences. It actually makes the concepts in the Law of Attraction seem not so elusive.

The reason we tend to not do things when we know we should (or do things when we know we shouldn’t) is because “knowing” what we should do is clearly not enough. What we need to do when we’re not motivated is work our way backwards through the chain and ask, “I know I should ride my bike but I don’t. How am I feeling when I decide not to ride my bike?”

For me, it’s a sense of being defeated.

What’s the thought creating that feeling? “It won’t make a difference.”

Well shit. No wonder. Even if I know I “should” ride my bike, if I don’t believe it will make a difference, if my thoughts support the belief that it doesn’t matter, then of course I’m not going to get on it!

There’s a lot more I can say about this, but we should all be playing outside and not at a computer;)

Bottom line: we can try to create new thoughts around doing something differently to help contribute to the solution and not the problem. Try this out with a pressing matter you are struggling with right now.

Don’t wait for motivation. Create it.

I’m going to choose to believe that what I do matters. All our thoughts are, after all, a choice. And what we all do does matter.

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.