Spiritual Crisis

identityshiftHave you ever had a moment when you realized you don’t know what is supposed to come next in your life, what your next purpose should be….and you felt like the weight of the world was crushing you?

If yes, you can likely relate to what I’m about to tell you. If no, please keep reading anyway as a reminder that it isn’t about what you “have” or “do” in the world that helps you feel happy or content. It’s way better than that;)

I CAN’T BREATHE

I was hanging out in the sun after some quality time with my girlfriends. It was an awesome day. I was Superfoods Cleansing with my Urban Wellness Club tribe, my body was feeling lighter, my skin brighter, and my mind clearer. My biz was cruising along and my clients were rocking their mission.

So why the hell couldn’t I breathe? Why did I feel like I had an elephant on my chest?

I don’t mean I had trouble breathing in an OMG-pot-is-legal-now-and-I’ve-taken-it-a-bit overboard kind of way.

I mean, my chest was tight with anxiety, with a sense of doom. Thoughts started flooding my mind.

…about something my husband did that pissed me off.

2 years ago.

…about doctoral programs and which one to pick and what if I made the wrong decision and should I do it at all…and why the hell did new opportunities around this decision keep popping up?

…about the trip we were going to take to Nepal…what now after the earthquake? Do we still go? If not there, where? Eastern Europe? East Asia? South America? Would Maia get cholera in Pokhara?

…about my body and how it still hasn’t totally felt like “mine” again after having my baby, and how I knew this was in large part because of the choices I was making about how I was eating, drinking, and moving.

…about what direction my biz was going to take next

Then I felt like shit and beat myself up for being so overwhelmed.

I could keep the list going. All this and more was entering my mind, one after another, without respite. Too many decisions. Not enough clarity.

And this had been going on for months. I felt like I was losing my mind.

This claustrophobic feeling overcame me between my periods of the realization that, “Holy shit my life is awesome!” I would be playing with Maia and watching her beam me this utterly EPIC smile and blow me a kiss with this postcard view of the Alaskan mountains behind her and I’d feel so amazing…and then I couldn’t breathe again.

I knew this feeling, this chapter of life. It is a chapter in life and not simply a moment because unfortunately, this transition isn’t as “transient” as I would have liked it to be. This was a bona fide Spiritual Crisis.

I have lived it twice before, and I’ll tell you about the first time.

SPIRITUAL CRISIS #1

I was 19. I had an amazing boyfriend, I was excelling at my University, I had a work-study job where I took UCSC students on climbing and backpacking trips (beats the hell out of working in the cafeteria any day), and I did homework on the freakin’ beach in Santa Cruz. My mother and I were finally friends, and my dad had not been hospitalized for a schizophrenia episode for years. I lived with a strong tribe of women and could hear the ocean waves and harbor seals barking at night while I slept. I spent long weekends rock climbing in Joshua Tree or peak bagging in the Sierra Nevada.

Finally, finally, everything in my previously chaotic life seemed right.

Yet…it was sooooo far from right.

I was desperately anxious and felt something huge – monumental – was missing, even though I “had” everything.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think straight. I’d go on epic mountain bike rides just to open my lungs and prove to myself that I could indeed breathe. I’d go so hard that I’d feel exhausted at the end, and finally be able to relax from pure physical fatigue.

I didn’t know what to do. I spoke of this with no one. I was afraid I was going insane like my dad, and wished I hadn’t taken so many hallucinogens in high school.

I walked into one of the spiritual bookstores in downtown Santa Cruz and went up and down each aisle with no aim, but with a shitload of hope that something would help me.

One book caught my eye.

It was about having a Spiritual Crisis. I can’t even remember the title. I flipped through the intro and it said something like:

Spiritual crisis (also called “spiritual emergency”) is a form of identity crisis where an individual experiences drastic changes to their meaning system (i.e., their unique purposes, goals, values, attitude and beliefs, identity, and focus) typically because of a spontaneous spiritual experience.

I took a deep breath. Holy shit, this is it, yo! I was having a Spiritual Crisis. Thank fucking gooddess. I wasn’t going insane.

My “spontaneous spiritual experience?” Having everything I thought I wanted and still not being happy. Realizing – truly realizing – that happiness wasn’t about life on the outside…and not knowing how to find it. I felt like I’d never, ever, be happy.

Holy shit that was major at 19 years old. At any age, really.

“Spiritual experiences” don’t come riding in on rainbow unicorn farts all the time.

OK. Spiritual Crisis it is. But…now what?

To spare you an even longer version of this story, I’ll cut to the chase: I somehow knew deep down that my spiritual crisis could be healed with clarity about my purpose.

And there was one ideal way for me to get there: meditation.

And I had no freakin’ idea how to do it.

I called Transcendental Meditation places but they wanted to charge me hundreds of dollars for a course. I checked out a group on campus that ended up being a cult (which I totally called them out on and found an investigative reporter in LA that had been trying to expose them for years, who then interviewed me). I called a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction teacher and they were charging almost $300 for the program. I called so many people and all were either creepy or expensive – especially for a college student.

WTF? I’M HAVING A FUCKING SPIRITUAL CRISIS HERE, PEOPLE! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO MEDITATE WITHOUT MAKING ME BROKE !!!!????

Exhale.

(And FYI – this is why I offer free stuff along with my juicy programs. EVERYONE deserves access to this stuff!)

So then I called this Buddhist center in Boulder Creek in the Santa Cruz mountains. They said a free weekly class was being taught by a nun, Robina Courtin.

I showed up at the next class.

She was a stout Australian woman with a lovely accent and very direct communication style. I liked her already. She told me how she had become a nun after coming to the U.S.A. to learn martial arts so she could go back to Australia and kick all the cops’ assess that were jerks to her and her lesbian friends. But then she met a Tibetan Buddhist monk named Lama Yeshe, who pointed out that she was very, very angry. And he suggested that perhaps this should be her focus instead.

After studying with him and noticing immeasurable benefits, she became a nun, and here she was teaching me meditation in the middle of old-growth redwood forests in the Santa Cruz mountains. She missed the city, she told me. But she would go where her teacher wanted her to. We meditated on sex. And chocolate cake. And our attachment to them.

I was hooked.

I ended up living in a gypsy wagon at this retreat center the rest of my time in college – a funky little wooden cabin with an outdoor shower perched on the bed of a converted Ford F100 that was up on blocks in the middle of a redwood forest. One day I’ll dig out the photo and show you guys. It was boho awesome.

I meditated regularly. I took revered Tibetan monks visiting the center on trips to see the coast and on rollercoaster rides at the Boardwalk. I brought them their meals and even made them oatmeal in the mornings. (I thank the living stars everyday that I understood how lucky I was sharing all those moments with great teachers). I took care of the meditation gompa and swept all the floors and watered all the plants and dusted the beautiful statues. I loved every minute of it.

Then I went to Nepal, did a month-long meditation retreat at a monastery, and almost became a nun. The “almost” part is another story.

Then I hiked into the Annapurna mountains alone for another month, and did some serious thinking.

And I came out…clear. Finally. Ahhhhhh.

It was the biggest relief of my life at that point.

But the point of this story is to share what am I going to do to take care of the Spiritual Crisis I am in right now.

MY TOOLS FOR A SPIRITUAL CRISIS

I heave learned in my 41 years on this zany planet that the two things in my life that have been constant compasses, serving to help guide me in times of duress, are a regular meditation practice and solitude in the wilderness. When I veer from either of those two things for too long, bad shit happens because I tend to then fall out of alignment and I get crazy monkey mind. Yoga pulls in at a close third.

When I look back on my life, I think, “Wow, in those days at the retreat center I was so easily compassionate and patient towards others. I was fearless about doing whatever was right. I knew what was important. My next steps were clear, even if my greater life plan was not. I felt so calm and centered and…content.”

This wasn’t because of the worry-free college years.

It was because of my regular and dedicated spiritual practice, and my regular visits with myself in the wild.

I know this because I went through this again much later in life, when I had many more responsibilities, and the same practices helped me through it.

And now, here I am. Again.

Here I am with what seems to be everything I have ever wanted. Yet I have no idea what’s next, and instead of invigorating me, it is causing me to feel utterly crushed.

Shall I be content simply with what is (which is actually awesome!)?

Shall I strive for something greater?

Shall I go in a completely different direction?

WTF does this feeling even mean for me right now?

What I DO know is that this kind of suffering often arises when our minds are unsettled and unfocused and chaotic. When I have a regular meditation practice, these thoughts are much less likely to overwhelm me. I am more content with what is, and can intentionally drive my focus.

IDENTITY + PURPOSE

If you check out the description of the Spiritual Crisis above, you’ll see that it often occurs with shifts in identity, purpose or focus (among other things). This is where I am at.

New motherhood.
New state (I’ve finally hung out long enough in Alaska to feel like I actually live here).
New identity.
New purpose…but what is it?

In discussions with my clients and friends, I often see that people think identity is a static, fixed thing. They feel this way about purpose as well. Often we can fantasize that once we figure out our purpose, we’ll be set for life!

But here’s the thing: purpose is inextricably linked with your identity.

And your identity will shift over time. If I had aimed for the same identity and purpose I had in my 20s, I’d likely be living out of my car and eating leftovers from Outward Bound courses, telling my mom I couldn’t afford to help her with her medical bills because I wasn’t making enough money, but that I loved her oodles. I wouldn’t have Maia and I wouldn’t be with my soulmate. Nothing is necessarily wrong with the above, but it would have felt out of alignment sooner than later.

If you plan to evolve in this life, you must allow your identity – and purpose – to shift.

And it ain’t easy, sistah! That’s for sure.

But it is absolutely necessary to go through this process, through the Hero/Heroine’s Journey, if you will.

You come out the other side with more clarity and purpose than a Library of Congress filled with self-help books could ever offer you.

MY VOWS

So what is my plan?

Going back to what works: Meditation + Wilderness. And let me toss in Integrity + Alignment too.

Meditation. I know that when I have a regular meditation practice, I am more calm and clear and can see what is truly important. This always leads to less anxiety and white noise in my head. And shuts up my inner critic as well.

Wilderness. I have already planned out 4 solo trips into the wild over the next year, during which I will go on vision quests and soul crafting journeys to open up more deeply to what is next for me. I’m going to embrace the Heroine’s Journey that I know shows up when a transition like this manifests in life. It’s exciting and scary at the same time. In other words, it’s an Adventure.

Here’s a simple graphic to give you a peep of what that’s like:

Heros-Journey(from https://engl200x.community.uaf.edu/files/2012/04/Heros-Journey.png)

This, my Freedom Junkie friends, means I also get to find out what juicy next step is in store to bring to you too! I have a good idea of what it is…but want to be have more Ziji (radiant inner confidence) about it before telling you.

To be clear, you don’t have to go on a vision fast to gain Clarity. You can go on the Heroine’s Journey in so many different ways. I help plenty of clients get clear without having to send them into the wilderness alone without food for several days. They arrive to me at some point along this Journey, and we dive into it together.

I just know that for me, at pivotal transitions where nothing else seems to be helping or able to get me to the depth of clarity I need, the vision fast and accompanying Heroine’s Journey is my preferred method. This is my path when I need more clarity related to a total shift in identity and purpose – beyond clarity about my next career or the next place I want to live etc. The clarity I have after such an experience is backed with unshakeable confidence in the next step.

I haven’t had to do this in a long time…and you can see that it is not an easy or quick process. Note that I said I’ve made some plans “over the next year.” Not the next week. But I know from experience that it is well worth it!

Integrity + Alignment. This is where the vows come in. When you are in integrity, you are more calm and centered. We can all believe we are in integrity, but without committing to a clear description about what that is, we can cheat a little here and there, or fool ourselves into thinking we are in alignment when in fact, we’ve got a little kink going on.

In certain traditions, on auspicious days of the calendar like the new moon or full moon, it is said that when you commit to certain precepts/vows for that time-frame, you benefit exponentially. You also aren’t supposed to just pick all the vows so that your odds of good karma credit go up. On the contrary, if you take a vow and break it, that’s worse than not taking it at all.

I have found that this wisdom of choosing what you can truly commit to 100% – knowing yourself well enough to know what you’re ready for, and what you’re not ready for – is so brilliant. It acknowledges that you are human and that you are in absolute choice about how you live. Vows or precepts in this sense aren’t rules you have to follow – they are recommendations that, when followed, tend to lead to a calmer mind and a happier life. If you find otherwise, so be it.

But why reinvent the wheel, right? If these things have been found to be helpful for millennia, then they are probably a good idea. So I’ll be taking a few of these vows for at least 1 month, starting June 1st.

Goddess knows I need a calmer mind right now.

Three of them that I’ll share here are:

1) No intoxicants. Pretty straightforward. I need all my brain cells and emotional calm and a warrior’s energy to figure this one out.
2) No stealing. This also means not “borrowing” pens from the clinic, and it means I point out when I get too much change back from the megacorporation I didn’t even want to buy from in the first place … and not buying from the megacorporation in the first place ;).
3) No sexual misconduct (so grateful I am with my soul-mate and that this comes so easily)

In addition to the myriad other vows, I am committing to a daily meditation practice, and not just doing it “most of the time.” Cuz most of the time becomes “when it’s convenient.” And we shouldn’t just be tending to our minds when it is convenient. It’s kind of like having a baby – there’s never a convenient time. Especially to do The Work.

Whew.

So that’s my really long post about my really long plan for dealing with this current Spiritual Crisis. I am thrilled I didn’t collapse and think I had to figure this all out by the end of the week. I am grateful that I know this path and have walked it before, and that it will be well worth the patience and trials that come ahead.

And I am beyond excited about this new little big thing I’ve been conjuring… just for you. But like all incredibly epic things, it will have to wait until it’s good and ready.

Share with me if you’ve been on a Heroine’s Journey and what you gleaned from it. Or tell me about something you think a Heroine’s Journey would help with! Are you on the Journey right now? At what stage? I know I’m not alone out there, because if you’re reading this, you too are making this wild and precious life – and how you live it – a top priority.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

The Heroine’s Journey

This is a little tidbit on the steps of the Hero/Heroine’s Journey for those of you that have heard me refer to it. I didn’t want to bore the others who don’t geek out on this stuff;)

Joseph Campbell studied mythology and made the claim that nearly all myths have similar ideas or archetypes – no matter the culture they come from. The Hero/Heroine’s Journey is represented in all cultures. My fave examples are Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, but you can also see it in stories like The Odyssey. The different stages that make up this myth are referred to as the “hero’s journey.” Since I’m a woman, I call it the Heroine’s Journey.

I have already planned out 4 solo trips to the wild over the next year, during which I will go on vision quests and soul crafting journeys to open up more deeply to what is next for me. I am creating the causes and conditions to embark on these steps of the Heroine’s Journey:

Heros-Journey(image from: https://engl200x.community.uaf.edu/files/2012/04/Heros-Journey.png)

1.    Ordinary World: This step refers to the heroine’s normal life at the start of the story, before the adventure begins. That’s life before I had my spiritual crisis.
2.    Call to Adventure: The heroine is faced with something that makes her begin her adventure. This might be a problem or a challenge she needs to overcome. For me, this is my identity shift, and thus purpose shift.
3.    Refusal of the Call: The heroine attempts to refuse the adventure because she is afraid. You bet your ass I stalled this for a few months.
4.    Meeting with the Mentor: The heroine encounters someone who can give her advice and ready her for the journey ahead. This is a secret…for now.
5.    Crossing the First Threshold: The heroine leaves her ordinary world for the first time and crosses the threshold into adventure. This will be my first vision fast in the Fall.

The following steps also can occur on the vision fast:

6.    Tests, Allies, Enemies: The heroine learns the rules of her new world. During this time, she endures tests of strength of will, meets friends, and comes face to face with foes. Visioning, baby. I’m a little nervous about this part.
7.    Approach: Setbacks occur, sometimes causing the heroine to try a new approach or adopt new ideas.
8.    Ordeal: The heroine experiences a major hurdle or obstacle, such as a life or death crisis.
9.    Reward: After surviving death, the heroine earns her reward or accomplishes her goal.

Clarity. Ahhhh.

10.    The Road Back: The heroine begins her journey back to her ordinary life.
11.    Resurrection Hero – The heroine faces a final test where everything is at stake and she must use everything she has learned. (TBA)
12.    Return with Elixir:  The heroine brings her knowledge or the “elixir” back to the ordinary world, where she applies it to help all who remain there.

This, my Freedom Junkie friends, means I also get to find out what juicy next step is in store to offer you too! I have a good idea of what it is…but want to be have more Ziji (radiant inner confidence) about it before telling you.

Interestingly, Maureen Murdock suggests her version of the Heroine’s Journey with the following stages:

STAGES

  1. SEPARATION FROM THE FEMININE
  2. IDENTIFICATION WITH THE MASCULINE & GATHERING OF ALLIES
  3. ROAD OF TRIALS, MEETING OGRES & DRAGONS
  4. FINDING THE BOON OF SUCCESS
  5. AWAKENING TO FEELINGS OF SPIRITUAL ARIDITY: DEATH
  6. INITIATION & DESCENT TO THE GODDESS
  7. URGENT YEARNING TO RECONNECT WITH THE FEMININE
  8. HEALING THE MOTHER/DAUGHTER SPLIT
  9. HEALING THE WOUNDED MASCULINE
  10. INTEGRATION OF MASCULINE & FEMININE

I can relate to some of these but don’t know much about the details and how Murdock arrived at this. But I thought it was worth pointing out.

To be clear, you don’t have to go on a vision fast to gain Clarity. You can go on the Heroine’s Journey in so many different ways. I help plenty of clients get clear without having to send them into the wilderness alone without food for several days. They arrive to me at some point along this Journey, and we dive into it together.

I just know that for me, at pivotal transitions where nothing else seems to be helping or able to get me to the depth of clarity I need, the vision fast and accompanying Heroine’s Journey is my preferred method. This is my path when I need more clarity related to a total shift in identity and purpose – beyond clarity about my next career or the next place I want to live etc. The clarity I have after such an experience is backed with unshakeable confidence in the next step. Zji, baby.

Note: Ziji is a tibetan word meaning “radiant inner confidence.” I use it a lot in my confidence programs, and it’s like a secret handshake in my tribe;)

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Do you have a happy life or a meaningful life? And why you should even care

youdefineyourfreedomJust last month, I was coaching one of my Adventure Mastermind clients in a Hot Seat during our Mexico retreat. One of the things that came up was a struggle between wanting to fully enjoy an amazing life of travel and adventures and fun…and also wanting to feel a deeper sense of usefulness or contribution. Would it be OK to “just” live an amazingly joyful life? Would that be enough? Would she be enough? Or is true happiness requiring us to also contribute to others/society? Or is being happy enough of a contribution to this world? She had manifested a pretty amazing life for herself, yet something seemed like it was still missing.

(BTW, this is a most excellent topic of discussion, and one I highly recommend to have at your next dinner party)

I won’t go into the details of that session, and to be honest, I don’t even want to imply that what follows has anything to do with it…but I will say that the session sparked me to reflect on a hot topic of debate in the field of positive psychology. This debate lies around the concept that a happy life could possibly be different than a meaningful life, and that you could feasibly have one without the other. Others disagree and say that to remove meaningfulness from happiness screws the whole thing up since they are inextricably intertwined.

This pushes all kinds of buttons with people – “But how can you be happy doing something that isn’t meaningful?” “Isn’t being happy meaningful in and of itself?” “So are you saying that I can’t be truly happy unless I volunteer and hand out clothes to homeless people?” “Why would you want to live a happy life that wasn’t meaningful?”

Do you have a happy life or a meaningful life?

Why is all this even important?

Well, mental masturbation is always fun for people like me, and I love pondering these things.

But a more important reason is that we are all starting to become aware of the benefits of happiness – you live longer, are healthier, more successful and creative, you earn more money…the benefits go on and on! So, we need to get really clear about what exactly happiness is so we don’t get led down the wrong path, wasting precious time, money, and energy on the wrong things – at least if happiness and its bennies is what you’re aiming for.

Let’s get real – we all only have a limited amount of time, so given say, one hour to help your life be extraordinary, it would be good to know exactly what would best do that. Should you go do something “meaningful” like volunteer at a soup kitchen, play with your kids, or bring a sick friend some food? Or get a “happy” fix and take a sauna, hang out with friends at the tasting room, watch a funny movie, or read a book on a beach in Bali … or maybe even a little of both?!

There’s a provocative study by Dr. Roy Baumeister and his buddies that suggests “meaning” (separate from happiness) is not connected with whether one is healthy, has enough money, or feels comfortable in life.

(Well isn’t that interesting!?)

The flip side is that “happiness” (separate from meaning) absolutely is connected to those things.

So what exactly does this mean for us folks trying to live a happy and meaningful life?

In the study I mentioned above, the researchers identified five major differences between a happy life and a meaningful one (note: the italicized excerpts are from the article on the Greater Good Science Center’s website).

  • Happy people satisfy their wants and needs, but that seems largely irrelevant to a meaningful life. Therefore, health, wealth, and ease in life were all related to happiness, but not meaning.
To me, this explains how a total asshole can appear relatively happy and believe that he truly is happy himself.
  • Happiness involves being focused on the present, whereas meaningfulness involves thinking more about the past, present, and future—and the relationship between them. In addition, happiness was seen as fleeting, while meaningfulness seemed to last longer.

This could be why the aforementioned asshole isn’t necessarily happy for very long.

  • Meaningfulness is derived from giving to other people; happiness comes from what they give to you. Although social connections were linked to both happiness and meaning, happiness was connected more to the benefits one receives from social relationships, especially friendships, while meaningfulness was related to what one gives to others—for example, taking care of children. Along these lines, self-described “takers” were happier than self-described “givers,” and spending time with friends was linked to happiness more than meaning, whereas spending more time with loved ones was linked to meaning but not happiness.

Well ain’t that the shizzle?! So being walked all over and giving without receiving doesn’t lead to happiness! We all knew that though, right?

  • Meaningful lives involve stress and challenges. Higher levels of worry, stress, and anxiety were linked to higher meaningfulness but lower happiness, which suggests that engaging in challenging or difficult situations that are beyond oneself or one’s pleasures promotes meaningfulness but not happiness.

To me, this doesn’t meant that we need to avoid challenging situations that expand our comfort zones. Rather, this means that we also need to engage in practices that boost our happiness – and it’s associated benefits. I am sure we all know at least one person – and perhaps that person is ourselves – that is constantly doing things for others and putting themselves into hardship for the sake of other people. This needs to be balanced with happiness-provoking activities! At least if you want to live longer, be healthier, have success and whatnot.

  • Self-expression is important to meaning but not happiness. Doing things to express oneself and caring about personal and cultural identity were linked to a meaningful life but not a happy one. For example, considering oneself to be wise or creative was associated with meaning but not happiness.

When your identity is how you create meaning in your life, usually there’s a few – ahem – issues that come up. Like suffering. Especially whenever someone has a different identity from yours and challenges that your identity isn’t the right one. Which would happen, like, every day because we’re all different…unless of course you lived on a freaky commune and drank the Kool-Aid.

OK, so i get where this Baumeister guy is getting at. But something doesn’t sit right with me yet…like, I want to know what are the benefits of leading a meaningful life? What bennies come to those who lead meaningful, yet not necessarily happy, lives?

And I’m also wary of this whole ability to separate our meaningfulness from happiness. I’m a huge fan of the Dalai Lama’s quote:

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

Some suggest what Baumeister was studying was more “hedonistic pleasure” than happiness. This is the case for people who believe meaningfulness is an integral part of true happiness, such as Dr. Lyubomirsky from UC Riverside. She feels that researchers who try to separate meaning and happiness may be on the wrong track: “When you feel happy, and you take out the meaning part of happiness, it’s not really happiness.” And there are even more studies coming out that meaningful happiness has more benefits that purely hedonistic types of happiness.

I’m leaning towards Lyubormisky and the proponents of meaningful happiness on this one.

So what’s a Freedom Junkie to do?

After reading a bunch of articles on this topic, I feel this way (today, at least): I say live a happy life, and make sure you have activities that are meaningful to you as well. That way, in true Freedom Junkie form, you get to have your cake and eat it too. Yeah, I know…seems like a cop out. But I really believe you can’t just do one or the other!

This means that not everything you do needs to have deep meaning, but that you also have something in your life that you associate with deep meaning – as defined by YOU. This is why for some parents, caring for kids seems like a pain in the ass and a duty, while for others it is an act of service and connection. Same action, different meaning, different happiness results.

There’s a reason why, as a coach, I help people discover the real meaning behind their goals, the big “Why” behind their actions, their true soul-motive for things. I have found that when people don’t understand the meaningfulness behind their goals or actions, they flake. They procrastinate. They get distracted. They come up with excuses. They change their mind. A lot.

Personally, I truly believe that you can’t be genuinely happy (the sustainable, puts-lines-in-your-face-from-smiling-too-much kind of happiness), without meaning in your life. The thing is, what that meaning is is totally up to you.

You – and only you – define your freedom. You – and only you – define the meaning behind all your actions. (tweet it, yo!)

So, if you find meaning in living an outrageously epic life of freedom and adventure because you know it inspires others, then go the hell out and do just that! But if you don’t believe in that meaning, then you won’t truly be happy, no matter how many days you spend on the road traveling the world and going skydiving. You will need to find another meaning to support your actions if you want true happiness.

The point is that is isn’t what you’re doing per se that’s important, but rather the meaning behind it. What’s your big WHY? And if you can add into the mix the activities we learn about that add to happiness (gratitude, hanging with friends, savoring, etc), do those too so that you can live longer and be healthier and vital and rock your mission while you’re at it!

Are you struggling with living a meaningful life right now? Share with me below – I read every comment and respond to each one! Here are some additional resources as well:

Here’s a great video by Simon Sinek and his popular Ted Talk on “The Big Why“

Here’s Baumeister’s article I mentioned about about a happy vs meaningful life

Here’s a great article on two kinds of happiness – it supports the idea that a happiness based in meaning has more benefits than a purely hedonistic happiness

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

How to recover when you screw things up

yodaSoooo…I didn’t show up in the best way a few days ago {tail between legs}. My partner and I had a blowout. We were both sleep deprived, dealing with catching up with logistics after being away from home for a month, and simultaneously planning to host Thanksgiving dinner at our house.
But even deeper than that, I do know that the issue ultimately stemmed from me not caring for myself.
Let’s rewind.
As we know, its never about what you’re actually arguing about. When you get to what the real issue is, there’s nothing to argue, because you begin to acknowledge the true feelings and desires at hanf, and that opens our hearts instead of shuts them down. But until we dig deep, we argue, and it’s about something way more trivial than your feelings.
Case in point: my husband made a request. The request pissed me off. You’d have thought he asked me if he could live in polygamy for a year. But that wasn’t the request.
He was asking me for something he wanted and needed – and the time to do that.
I felt like I would certainly LOVE to be able to do that too, but here I was barely getting in my little bits of me-time and how freakin’ audacious it was that he ask me for even MORE time for himself!!!!
And suffice it to say the timing of the request pretty much sucked. Royally.
In the end, I had an out-of-body experience and was lit into an angry rage. I yelled. Loudly. I was so angered and hurt. Then I started sobbing because I realized I was yelling in front of my baby, and I felt ashamed. I grew up in an abusive situation, and I did not want any of that energy to enter into the family I was creating.
I stopped. I asked that he not speak to me so that I could calm down. I went into my bedroom and cried with that ugly crying face we get when we are truly sobbing messy sobs. I called a girlfriend and asked if she could listen to me. Not help. Just listen. And she did just that.
I hung up the phone. Took a deep breath. And splashed cold water on my face.
I walked out into the living room, still angry. But not full of rage.
Doesn’t it suck how when we are overtaken by our emotions, it is so much harder to remember that they are simply energy, and that we can allow ourselves to simply observe them first and not act on them???!!!
After some time had passed, my husband and I reconnected. I realized that what I was angry about was that I was not asking for the same kind of time for myself. That I was feeling hurt and unloved because he wasn’t advocating for my self care, when I spent so much time supporting his.
I requested that I needed more from him than just encouraging me to go to a yoga class or for a run when it was convenient for him – I needed him to be willing to be inconvenienced (at times) by my self-care in the same way I allowed myself to be inconvenienced for his. This would allow me to make requests for myself more often, rather than editing out my feelings when I thought it would be inconvenient.
I wanted to be able to ask for what I needed when I knew it would be inconvenient for him, and to know that there would be times he’d happily support me in that.
I apologized for yelling – to himself and my 7-month old. He thanked me for doing so, and apologized for not being more thoughtful in his requests.
I felt disconnected from him after that emotional blowout, and didn’t know how to bring us closer again. You see, when something like that happens, there is a breach of trust on both ends.
Here’s what I learned helps to reconnect after big screw ups like that one:

How to Recover When You Screw Things Up

1. Be sincere in your apology – don’t just say “I am sorry.” You can help increase your sincerity by imagining what it was like for that person, and really trying to step into their shoes so you can try to feel their suffering. This will help generate compassion, and help you apology be more sincere.
2. Resolve to not do it again. There is no sense in apologizing for yelling or being rude or being late or any other offense that pisses off someone you love if you continue to keep doing it. If you repeat the behavior over and over, your apology was full of shit. It is not enough to regret an action – you must also work on improving! This will also help your self-esteem and sense of integrity, so ultimately you benefit from it too.
This doesn’t mean you are going to be perfect. It does mean that you set the intention, regularly, to improve – and do so. My favorite Yoda quote, “Try not. Do…or do not. There is no try.”
3. Apply an antidote, which is often an action that is the opposite of what you did. That doesn’t mean that in my example, I need to talk sweet nothings because I yelled. But it does mean that I speak with gentleness and go out of my way to build emotional trust (both of us are to do this, by the way!).
4. Investigate what your trigger was. Was it a word? A situation? Fatigue/hunger/pain that was going on in the background? For me, it was the perfect storm of sleep-deprivation, stress from having to catch up on a month’s worth of mail/logistics/house stuff AND hosting Thanksgiving, and the lack of adequate self-care.
5. Make it a practice – no…a DEVOTION – to attend to your triggers, and to do the work to improve your character. We don’t get to say, “I’m a yeller. Deal with it,” or “I’m kind of selfish. You know that about me.” Nuh uh. For me, I scheduled yoga classes until we fly out of Anchorage again. I negotiated that I have regular time on vacations to do whatever I want whenever I want and not have to wait to see if it is convenient for my husband’s next adventure. As a couple, we are working on speaking to each other with the same kindness and patience that we would with our friends, and not take our proximity and intimacy for granted.
6. Be kind to yourself. I felt deep shame when I saw myself yelling in front of my daughter. I give deep thanks that I have done the work for so many years that I know I AM NOT MY EMOTIONS. I am not my body, my thoughts, or my emotions. This allows me the space to do the work, to know I am capable of it, to be able to create a longer pause between trigger and response. And I know I will continue to improve. This doesn’t give you free reign to do whatever knowing you will eventually improve. But what it does mean is that we don’t get to be stuck behind stories of being incapable of change. We are capable of anything!
So there it is. Doing the work is messy. Welcome to my mess – and my mop! Share with me below how you clean it up in your life. We are all in this together!

How to Pick Your Talisman

What do all of these photos have in common? (Hint: you might need to enlarge them to find out)

IMG_0645IMG_1057IMG_3466IMG_4374IMG_9155

These were taken years apart…and at really wildly different stages of my life (single, dating, engaged, pregnant, married, a new mama…) and the only reason I don’t have even older ones in here is because my computer recently crashed and I can’t bring myself to deal with the tech-aspects of recovering my photos and reorganizing them.

The one things that is common in all of these if the fact that I am wearing my absolute most favorite piece of jewelry: my black pearl and leather necklace.

There’s something about it. Simple, elegant, and badass all at the same time. It’s feminine, earthy, oceany and exotic. It goes with pretty much everything, and I never take it off. Well, except for massages. I take it off for those.

I can wear it in saltwater and in the shower and in my yummy pampering baths. The leather gets softer and softer, and the pearl gets more rich when it is spending time in the ocean…from whence it came.

Why do I wear it all the time? It’s not just about convenience, although it is pretty awesome that I have my elegant badass piece of jewelry on at all times.

It is about the way it makes me feel.

The funny thing is people don’t always get it. They say to me, “You are always wearing that necklace! What’s up with that?” or, “Yup…there’s Ana and her necklace” as if there’s something wrong with that.

I don’t give a shit, because you don’t ask someone, “Why are you always wearing the same wedding ring?” Why not? Because it symbolizes something eternal and ineffable.

Same with my black pearls and leather. They help me step into my sexiness, my connection to nature, my power and timelessness, my femininity and my badass. When I wear my necklace, I don’t think about if it’s the “right” piece.

It know its the freakin’ right piece.

My husband showed his knowing of me back in the day, when he proposed to me with a ring of one beautiful black pearl on leather.

How could I not say yes?!

I had heard of talismans before, in my teenage years when I explored Native American culture, in my 20s when I delved into shamanism, and again more recently, when bullshit exorcist (and one of my biz coaches) Fabeku Fatunmise asked me what talismans I would choose for myself.

But at that time, it had never occurred to me that I had worn one for over 7 years.

It was about a month ago, when taking it off for a massage, that I realized how right it felt to have it on, and how naked I felt without it.

My necklace was bought by me, for me, on a surfing trip after my recent divorce and my second more-than-annoying run in with cancer. It was a splurge, and it felt absolutely right.

I have never questioned it.

I put it on in the shop, the sound of the ocean waves crashing just outside. The stunning French woman behind the counter at Pachamama looked at me and said, in a romantic accent through her full lips, “Yesssss. You must geeeet zat.”

Oh hellz yeah.

I wear it every day…it’s been on me when I cry, when I skinny dip under the moon, when I reach the summit of the highest peak in Mongolia – pregnant. I was wearing it through breakups when I growled at an ex in Vegas (yes, I literally growled), and wilderness trips with my girlfriends amongst granite peaks.

It was on me when I started my business, when I quit my J.O.B., when I moved to Alaska, when I sold my condo in Telluride, when my heart was aching. My baby can pull on the leather without me fearing she’ll break it, and when she sticks it in her mouth, she is tasting continents and oceans and sweat and tears.

I used to think talismans were something you had to look at a lot to get their power. But now I realize it was simply by knowing what it symbolized for me, and by choosing to hold it close to me, that I shared its energy and it became my talisman.

I think talismans are important. I’m a bit too much of a multipassionate to commit to a tattoo, but if I ever conjured one up that felt like it would fit forever, I’d probably get one. So, I’ll stick to my necklace for now. I also have other stones, and fabrics, and essential oils that I use.

What are your talismans? What are those things in your life that when you connect with them, you step into your highest truth and power?

wonderwomanmugIf you don’t have any, what are one or two you can think of right now? Here’s another one of mine – I use it before many of my coaching calls with clients and sip exquisite teas with heavy whipping cream…

How to Pick Your Talisman

If you’re having trouble, here are some tips:

  • If you don’t know where to start, begin with getting clear on how you feel when you are tapped into the flow. If you need more help with this, check out the free Clarity + Courage course. This could be one feeling or a bunch of feelings, but whatever it is, be clear about what this FEELS like, and don’t get caught up in the word you use for that feeling. THEN, pick your talisman based on if it helps you feel that way.
  • Do you have any go-to items of clothing or jewelry that you wear when you’re feeling down? How do they make you feel? If it’s feeling more connected to your truth and your inner power (aka ziji), then this could be a talisman for you.
  • Are you attracted to certain stones or materials? Like granite, or quartz, lapis lazuli, silk, velvet, leather…Do this make you feel connected to your most magnificent self?
  • Try to pick things that are accessible to you at all times, or at least easily accessible. That way you can tap into them when needed or on a regular basis.
  • Is there a movie you love to watch that, when you’ve gotten to the credits, you feel like anything is possible, or that you are calm and centered and grounded and at peace, or however the hell you really want to feel? For me, it’s movies like The Matrix, or Empire Strikes Back. When I watch those, even making the bed becomes a Jedi practice.
  • Is there a song, an essential oil, a flower, a picture (you get the idea) that helps you tap into this juicy feeling of yours?

Happy talisman hunting!

Courage and Confidence to Do What it Takes

Part 2 of a 2 Part Series on Clarity + Courage

Once you’ve gained some clarity about who you are, how you want to live your life, and what you want to have, you need to take action to make it all happen. More often than not, this action will require you to tap into your courage. Think you don’t have courage? Think again – it’s in there, deep inside of you!

courageMaking all the amazing shizzle you want happen and taking the risks to manifest your dreams takes a fierce kind of devotion. The kind you need before confidence ever shows up. It takes courage (tweetable!)

What is the difference between confidence and courage? I like to describe it as confidence is what you have when you feel or believe that things will turn out alright, or at least that you’ll be ok with the outcome.

Courage, on the other hand, is what you need when you’re going to do something even though you’re scared – or at least can’t guarantee things will turn out in your favor.

Courage means that even if you’re scared, you do it anyway.

People often ask me what is the most courageous thing I’ve ever done. They usually ask me this knowing that I was an international climbing guide (and one of the few women in that profession, to boot!), working in the Himalayas and leading expeditions in places like Nepal and Alaska.

Or maybe, if they know me a little better, they think it was when I survived cancer – twice.

But the people that really know me understand that my most courageous acts were with some of the more “ordinary” parts of my life. Like getting a divorce. Or quitting my job and starting my own business.

You see, climbing mountains and being diagnosed with cancer definitely required me to summon courage. But deep down inside, there was something in me that knew I was going to be OK. It was a deep knowing…and it seemed to transform my courage into confidence.

I remember being diagnosed with cancer the first time (kidney cancer) and after crawling into bed with my friends, curling into a ball and crying as they hugged me, I sat up, took a deep breath, and said, “I am going to DO this.” And so I did.

The same thing with mountains. I wasn’t they type to climb mountains where 1/10 people die. But I climbed some hard and scary stuff. Still, somehow my courage would move me through the fear, and confidence would take over. I can safely say that I never climbed a peak that I didn’t think I’d survive.

But divorce….that was a whole other ballgame.

You see, I was in one of those “maybe” marriages. It wasn’t a “Hell yes!” or a “Hell no!” kind of relationship. Knowing what to do would have been easy in one of those. Instead, I found myself with a lovely, good looking surgeon, who liked the outdoors, dogs, and made me laugh.

But there was something missing.

I think some people refer to it as passion – the kind that lasts. Whatever it was, I felt like I had to at least define it before I decided I wanted a divorce. Like just knowing it wasn’t right wasn’t enough.

That was one of my first lessons in courage: having a feeling and trusting it is definitely enough.

Then I started my own business, combining my skills as a healer, coach, yogini, functional medicine geek, midwife, adventurer, explorer, and lover of dancing under the moonlight.

The whole clarity bit came in because as a multi-passionate, it wasn’t enough to know what I loved doing – it also became important to know what needed to be important to me NOW. Which, of all my passions, would I benefit most from focusing on for any given day, month, season, or year? I had to learn I didn’t have to pick just one. I had to think creatively!

Courage came about because as I started my own business, I realized that it was the Clarity I had gained that helped me have the courage to quit my awesome job as a nurse-midwife and start my own business. Even though I didn’t know what the outcome would be, I KNEW what I wanted – which made taking the risks completely worth it.

Until I had clarity that my mandala of a business or finding my soulmate was what I was supposed to be doing, it was much harder to leave the marriage, or to quit the job. Clarity was the first step.

Could you imagine leaving a secure and wonderful job or a marriage to a perfectly awesome human being WITHOUT being clear about what you wanted? Not me. Not for those things.

But wait: I want to make something clear here (no pun intended): you shouldn’t always wait for clarity to arrive before taking action. I got more clear because of taking action.

Clarity that what you are currently doing is not what you are meant to do is a good enough place to start. Getting clear enough about your next step and going for it works! You don’t need to wait to know exactly how it will all pan out. That’s what courage is for.

Clarity didn’t arrive by me sitting there and thinking about what I should do, or from making lists, or chatting with friends. I got clear by trying different things, by getting in touch with what things light me up, and which things sapped my energy.

I had lots of relationships that taught me what I clearly did and did NOT want in a partner.

I had experiences with cancer that taught me what I wanted to prioritize in my life.

I had at LEAST three different websites and business names and tag lines before I realized I was a multi-passionate and should plan on never sticking with just one thing.

I want you to have the courage and confidence to listen to your inner wisdom, your intuition, your proverbial inner guru.

No matter what your definition of freedom and happiness is, know that it begins with Clarity and Courage. Don’t wait for your confidence to arrive before taking the next step towards creating the life, the career, or the health you want.

The time is NOW! Share with me the next courageous thing you are going to to below, no matter how great or small. We all need to start somewhere!

Want more? Join my Ultimate Confidence Course, a 7-week, full-on immersion program where you learn my 5-Step proven system for getting clear, managing your inner critic, and cultivating the courage and confidence to manifest the life you want and deserve. Head on over to www.UltimateConfidenceCourse.com to sign up now. Next course starts October 6, 2014.

You can also sign up for my FREE 7-Day Clarity + Courage Course. You’ll receive a gorgeous 52-page activity book, daily email prompts to help cultivate Clarity and Courage, a group forum, and recordings of past live calls where I teach you skills, laser coach, and answer pressing questions. Go to www.DefineYourFreedom.com to join the tribe!

Note: This is Part 2 of a 2-Part Series on Clarity + Courage. For Part 1 – Clarity – click here for the guest post on Maia Toll’s blog

 

Ana Verzone is a skilled Boredom Slayer, Thrive Maximizer, and Mindset Alchemist. As the original Freedom Junkie, she is devoted to helping passionate women create their own unconventional lives of freedom, adventure, and purpose on ALL levels – from their cells to their spirit.

Top 10 Reasons Why Quitting Your Job During a Recession Can Be Perfectly Sane

staythecourseorrisksign

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”~ Howard Thurman

First of all, this article assumes you would leave your job because it sucks. It sucks for YOU. This does not apply to kick-ass jobs, of which there are many. And it doesn’t matter if another Jane would be totally grateful for the job you have. If you’re not totally happy with your job, read on!

Back in the day, having a job and staying loyal to a company meant something. It meant you would be earning a secure pension, that if you showed up and did your job, you could keep said job until your retired. The same went for other institutions our society had that brought us security.

Things like religion, marriage, real estate/stock market investments, and looking like we had our shit totally together without any flaws added to our sense of safety. We relied on, “Hey, if I work harder and act perfectly, I’ll be more secure.”

Guess what, Freedom Junkies? Things have changed. There is a shift where people are seeing that real security – real confidence – comes when YOU have control over your time, money, energy, and location.

People are realizing that these days you can remain totally loyal to your own job and still get fired because someone bought out your company. Or because they decided to hire someone who is cheaper than you. You can get married and then come face-to-face with the greater than 50% divorce statistics in this country. People move from spiritual tradition to spiritual tradition only to be let down by hypocrisy after hypocrisy.

Things aren’t as they have been, fellow Jedi. Or perhaps things are as they’ve always been, and now we are waking up to TRUTH. Either way: it ain’t all bad.

Here in my corner of the Universe, we like to create our own lives of Freedom, Adventure, and Purpose. Admittedly, this is a lot easier to do when you’ve created your OWN economy and security (although – as many of my clients would attest to – it is still possible as a {gulp} employee).

This doesn’t mean you need to quit your job! But it also doesn’t mean you should NOT quit it without seriously reconsidering the reasons of old-fashioned “security” either. You can create more true freedom when you have more control of your time, money, energy and location.

That, my friends, is true security.

Here are my Top 10 Reasons Why Quitting Your Job Is Perfectly Sane – if you’re in the mood:

1. Having a job is uber-risky. As one of my business coaches Christine Kane says, with a job, your life can radically change with two words: “You’re fired.”

When you create your OWN economy instead of relying on others for your paycheck, you have more freedom. When you know how to create money yourself, you have more confidence as well.

“But it’s a recession!” I hear many peeps say. Yeah, I know. But check it out: my biz is growing EVERY MONTH, people still buy iPhones, my clients have started their own businesses and are flourishing, my own coaches keep making more and more every year during this recession, plays and movies still sell out, flights still get overbooked.

Look around. There is abundance still. Just for different things. Pick a business that you’re passionate about, be kick-ass in delivering that high-quality product or service, and choose a niche that offers something that people want and need.

When you create your own income, you are able to adjust your income based on the value you provide. In a job, you can’t. Instead you have to ask for a raise. Not fun.

2. Life is short. You are going to die. Sorry to break it to you if you haven’t thought of that for awhile – or ever. But you are going to die and you don’t know when. So if not now, when? If not you, who?

You deserve to ENJOY this life. If you haven’t yet created a lifestyle where your fun times outweigh your “work” times, you at least deserve to have the 1/3+ of your life that you DO spend working doing something that lights you UP!

3. You don’t need tons of money to be happy. For realz. I know many of you think this is bunch of BS, but it’s true. Again, sorry to break it to you;) I traveled to dozens of countries making less than $14,000 a year, and even less than $11,000 some years.

If you have kids, a lot can come up in the form of limiting beliefs around how much you “need” to be happy and “responsible.” Well, I came from a family that made less than $60,000 combined a year and am pretty psyched, I have to say. There are plenty more like me who grew up without a lot but learned to create inner – and outer – wealth despite that. I’m not saying you don’t have to aim for earning oodles. It just won’t necessarily make you – or your kids – any happier.

4. If you have kids, they deserve to have a model of a parent who follows their dreams. My friend Stacey Pruim left her secure and successful corporate job to start her own business recently, called Systems Serenity. At one of our Mastermind retreats, she stood up to the microphone and exposed how scared she was about not being “responsible” enough for her daughters by quitting her job. Stacey is a single parent of two. Talk about the potential to have excuses not to quit your job!

In any event, despite the fear of being (or moreso, being “labeled”) irresponsible, she could not go on with her soul shriveling in her cubicle. She wasn’t happy at work – and this leaked into home as well.

Do you know what her daughters said when asked about this decision a few months after it happened? “Mom, you helped us realize that we can do anything.” Shazam!

Stacey is super successful, and has way more time, freedom, and money to be hanging out with her daughters being a kick-ass mom now. And guess who was at our latest retreat? Her 16 year old daughter who is starting to help her out in her business. Awesome!

5. The world needs more people who follow their passion Check out the quote at the top of this article. It’s true. You are a happier person when you do, both at home and in other areas of your life. You also inspire others to do the same.

6. You don’t have to kiss someone’s ass if you don’t want to. Enough said.

7. You get to focus on your strengths and not your weaknesses. Feedback at a job rarely focuses on your strengths. When you’re in business or in a truly good job, your weaknesses are delegated to someone else – either you hire them or you give it to someone else on your team who is really good at it, so everyone is playing their own strengths. And your confidence – as well as sense of security – grows.

8. Our new healthcare laws can provide you and your family with more affordable insurance in 2014. I hope you voted accordingly. Just sayin’. I had cancer twice and didn’t want to quit my benefitted job until I knew I could afford paying for COBRA. But that didn’t stop me. I still quit and have finally been able to get affordable healthcare as a “high-risk” person. Yeehaw!

9. You are creative. Many of us can make money in more ways than one. Go for it! Plus, your money goes further when you are self-employed. You can invest in yourself with pre-tax dollars!

10. You can wear whatever you want = You can create a business that supports your authentic self. I choose my business coaches because of who they are – not because of their slickness. Like with Christine Kane, whom I mentioned earlier – I like how she wasn’t a marketing guru slick dude, but she wore jeans and played guitar and speaks-a my language. I love Marie Forleo because she loves hip hop and cracks me up with her goofy antics and she’s wicked smart. The goofy antics may turn some people off – but they’re not her people. My peeps pick me for ME, not because I pretend to be anyone else. People will want YOU – and what you offer in the way only YOU can – too!

I  summary: I’m not saying to be stupid and quit your job without any kind of safety net (although some people out there would say to go for it even without the net). But what I AM saying is don’t use BS for your excuses. The key here is being very clear about what is BS. Not sure? Post below and let’s figure it out.

Have any of you thought about quitting your job or have actually quit your job? Please share it here and let the tribe support each other in creating our own freedom!

Note: For those of you that want to start a side-job for a bit more fun and inspiration or who want to go for it and start their own biz, I highly recommend my friend Chris Guillebeau’s new best-selling book, The $100 Startup. He’s the author of The Art of Non-Conformity, and more, and this book summarizes a lot of the basics you need to know to get started, as well as offering plenty of case studies to learn from. For my peeps, I’ve got super-discounted hardcopy editions for sale here. Shoot me an email (info@AnaVerzone.com) and I’ll send you one ASAP for only $13 – shipping included. Sahweet deal!

And in case you’re wondering – I’m selling and shipping at cost so not making any money on this. It’s because I believe in this book and I want my peeps to kick ass out there! (PS: Conversely, the link here to his Unconventional Guides site, is an affiliate link, so I do get to buy myself a shot of wheatgrass or something if you buy any of his cool shizzle over there- at no additional cost to you, of course! As you know, I only talk about shizzle I use myself to keep it honest and so you can keep trusting me.)

Do You Feel a Call to Adventure?

Fotolia_11940752_Subscription_L-187x200

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are built for.” ~ William Shedd

One of the classic stages of the Hero’s Journey is the Call to Adventure, where a person stops living an average life, the separation from society and life as you know it begins, and shit starts to get interesting. And check this out: it’s not just meant for Luke Skywalker. This journey is meant for you as well.

You are not here on this planet to be bored, to sit in front of a TV watching other people living epic lives. You are not meant to be wasting moments of your precious life slaving away for someone else’s dreams. You are not meant to spend all your time indoors safe and cozy and totally comfortable in an insulated lil’ life. Au contraire, mon amie.

Sorry to break it to ya, but you are a ship built for adventure, and if you’re in harbor, you’re going to hear this calling pretty damn soon – if you haven’t already.

What does this “call” sound like? Well, according to Joseph Campbell, it’s like a phone ringing. Isn’t that convenient?

heros_journey4_8462Unfortunately, it’s not always what I’ve noticed. Sometimes this call is a bit – ahem – less pleasant than a ringtone. Sometimes, this call to adventure manifests as full-blown panic attacks, night sweats, low-level anxiety that has you feeling things are not as they should be…a restlessness that can’t be verbalized that has you feeling you are not living your life to the fullest…but you don’t know what else you’re supposed to do.

That’s what I’ve seen it feel like – in myself, in my clients, and even in movies! There’s this flick I totally stumbled upon called Wanted, with Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy, and this guy has panic attacks and medicates himself to keep them under control…but you end up learning that it stems from the fact that he isn’t living his purpose, which is as a gifted badass spiritual assassin of sorts. He had all these superpowers pent up inside, and they were telling him to let them the hell out – in the form of anxiety.

You can see this stage in every epic story, like the Star Wars series (in particular, Empire Strikes Back – my favorite!), the Matrix, Lord of the Rings…but what we forget is that ALL of us – yes, all of us mere mortals – are called to undertake the Hero’s Journey.

Have you been hearing this call but ignoring it? Or have you heard it and taken action? The Separation that occurs with the Call to Adventure can be kind of nerve-racking, to say the least. But the coolest part is knowing that it feels that way because things are about to change – for the better. You leaving harbor is always, always better – because THAT is what you are built for.

I’d love for you to share your thoughts about the Call to Adventure, Separation, and what YOUR ship is going to do once it leaves harbor below. I read all of it, so know I’ll respond to you!

Why Do-Overs Kick Ass

Fotolia_6075754_Subscription_L-200x133Regrets are brutal. They are energy vampires. Happiness slayers. Joy slammers.

The thing is – we wake up every day with the potential to start over! That cliché about “today is a new day” is totally true…even though you may want to throw rotten veggies at someone saying it to you in the moment. Here’s why:

When we feel regret about something – your last relationship, your birth experience, how you handled your last argument with your partner or friend – we can stay open to a time and space that feels similar to that moment/resonates with that moment. Then, we can see that moment of resonance with the past as an opportunity to create a new one. As my colleague, Dr. Claudia Welch, says, “That new space/time makes the old new again, and we are then allowed to have a ‘do-over.'” Really? Yes.

For example, I think about how lately I’ve been leaning more into my morning ritual, and making sure I prioritize it so that I start the day off fresh and inspired and grounded. This helps me feel at ease with all the mornings that I wasted away with lazily sleeping in (which, BTW, is perfectly fine if it doesn’t bother you or throw off your day!), gluten or wine hangovers, or ruminating about all my worries. I am making up for those big time, because my NEW mornings are infused with freakin’ magic, peeps. My mornings, even before a day filled with ho-hum errands, are started with epic spiritual refining and tuning-in.

I’ve been working with many of my clients in developing these morning rituals as well, and they are reporting massive results – more energy, more creativity, more groundedness, more juicy living. You see, mornings are energetically in alignment with the beginnings of our lives, and with every other new day in the past, so we can harness that and create a new experience and oust the regrets – every morning! In Ayurveda, this is particularly true, and this philosophy or health places a big emphasis on moments and transitions throughout the day. Each moment, each day, is so full of potential for changing how we experience life.

Think of how you start your days. Do you wake up at the last minute so you are rushing out of the house and spilling your tea or coffee everywhere? Do you lie in bed for minutes or hours putting off shit you need to get done? Do you feel foggy and sluggish because of eating unhealthfully or living a less-than-healthy lifestyle? You can indeed do it differently in the morning. And really, when you honor and reshape your mornings to a ritual that serves you best, you can honor and reshape your early life experiences too! Like childhood, birth, or other powerful beginnings like giving birth, starting a new stage in life, starting a new relationship. Cool, eh?

In Tibetan Buddhism there is a four-step formula for making amends with a regret (also applicable to apologizing). It involves:

  • recognize that either there was an experience you regret having had, or that perhaps you did something wrong – or let’s take the judgment out of it and change “wrong” to “something you weren’t so proud of”
  • sit with the feeling of remorse and regret so that you don’t half-ass it and have it lingering sneakily behind you for months or years. Feel it fully, knowing you can release it.
  • move into a place of compassion for yourself (and the person you’ve harmed if it is applicable). Notice the whole “compassion for yourself” part! Don’t skip over that! In fact, start with it.
  • then, set the intention that you won’t do it again and take a positive action. So if you stole something, you could give something away when you saw someone in need. If you hurt someone with aggressive language, you can more openly and quickly forgive someone for the same infraction and send them loving kindness.

The new moments that resonate with the old are perfect opportunities for taking this new, positive action.

But get this: not only is every day a new day, but every MOMENT is fertile with opportunity to create something new. Whatcha think about that?

What about the rest of your day? Do you spend your free time perusing other people’s successes and feeling bad about where you are at? Do you go to bed checking your email and thinking about all the shizzle you have to get done tomorrow? Do you say “I’m sorry” just for speaking or taking up space or asking for advice or help? These are all energy suckers!

You can instead examine why you are apologizing. You can examine why you are obsessed about everything you have to do tomorrow (what’s the story you tell yourself about what happens, or who it means you are, if you don’t get everything done?). You can examine why you are jealous about someone else’s success and are focusing on that instead of creating your own. Often the motivator is some kind of regret, and we just need to stop that living-in-the-past shizzle if we are going to move forward with a life of freedom! Create a NEW way of approaching things when those feeling come up.

If you regret something and it is taking over your mind, choose RIGHT NOW to do something to offset it. And when you find a moment that resonates particularly powerfully with a regret, make a strong intention that how you handle it will help you release the old regret.

Do-overs kick ass. Share with me how you are going to do-over something soon – or a way in which  you have already – by commenting below!

Big Risks and the Courage to be Authentic

100natural-200x200

We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be. ~ May Sarton

What could be riskier than diving out of an airplane or climbing a glacier-covered peak or accelerating a race car into a curve at the Indy 500?

A lot, actually.

For one person it might be quitting a secure, well-paying job to go back to school or start their own biz. For another, it could be deciding to leave a marriage after 18 years, or reporting that the company they work for is endangering the environment or people’s lives (BTW whistleblowers rock!).

Though it may not appear so at first glance, psychological risks that summon us to put our personal values and beliefs on the line may ultimately feel more dangerous than those of physical derring-do.

And this is why we avoid living authentically. This is why, despite its ability to make us utterly exhausted, we put on masks EVERY DAY and try to be someone we are not.

Ask me how I know…

OK I’ll tell ya: I know, because I was there. I hated social events because they drained me…I was expected to be a certain way, I had to be energetic and perky and funny and crazy even though that night I felt like being mellow and listening to an audio on positive psychology. I filled my calendar with TONS of events I wasn’t in the mood for because I was expected to be there, to do those things, even though all I wanted to do was chill at home.

What I realized was that it wasn’t social events that bothered me: it was who I thought I was supposed to be when I showed up, and when I wasn’t feeling that way, “having” to act the part was too much to handle.

The thing is, no one expected these things of me except myself! It took me years to discover this, but once I did, I had much more fun – and much more energy 😉

Ironically, while the risks we take to be authentic are often the most scary things to do, these are also the challenges that we are asked to face time and time again if we are to continue to grow as individuals. Every time we take a risk that contributes to our personal growth, enhances our self-esteem, or enriches our lives, we make the choice to stretch ourselves, knowing there are no guarantees and risking possible failure.

Growth-producing risks generally fall into three categories:

Self-Improvement Risks
These are the risks you take when you want to learn something new or make a distant dream a reality, for example. You take on the venture with hopes of enriching your life. Maybe you want to change careers, or take singing lessons, or learn to speak Italian. On one side of the risk is the person you are and, on the other, the person you want to become.

Commitment Risks
All commitment risks have emotional stakes, whether you pledge yourself to a person, a relationship, a cause, a career, or a value. According to Joseph Ilardo, author of Risk-Taking for Personal Growth, if you avoid making emotional commitments, you all but guarantee that your emotional growth will be stunted.

Self-Disclosure Risks
Communication risks fall into the category of self-disclosure. Anytime you tell someone how you really feel, you’re taking the chance of self-disclosure and, to put it bluntly, someone not liking you. When you open up to others and reveal who you really are, how you feel and what you want and need, you make yourself vulnerable. It is impossible to be assertive without doing so.

Here’s what make such risks so scary: All risks carry with them the possibility of failure. Often significant sacrifices must be made before any real benefits are realized. Routines may have to change; the familiar may have to be released. And yeah, you may be rejected or humiliated. In the case of commitment to a value, personal safety may be in danger (consider those who stand up for what they believe in or put their own health and well-being on the line in the name of a cause).

However, despite the potential consequences of these risks, here’s what makes them so worthwhile: challenging yourself is often the key to personal growth and development.

Are you a risk-taking soul warrior? Ask yourself the following questions:

• Does every decision involve endless debates with yourself?

• Do you accept less than what you should because you’re afraid to speak up?

• Do you have difficulty making emotional commitments to others?

• Do you make up excuses that stop you from taking advantage of opportunities for self-improvement?

• Does fear of disapproval keep you from doing what you’d really like to do?

A “yes” answer to these questions indicates a reluctance to take risks, which may mean you tend to play it safe and reject change. And that’s OK! There’s nothing wrong with that per se, because it is quite normal to avoid risks. However, the deeper risk you take by avoiding them is that of not living a fulfilling and authentic life; a life of freedom, adventure, and purpose.

And to be frank, that would really suck.

Consider this: to fulfill your potential, to discover your real self and live an authentic life, you must take risks. And while security may appear to be the absence of change, the only genuine security lies in taking risks.

Did you hear that? I’ll say it again: the only genuine security lies in taking risks.

Be patient with yourself, and don’t be afraid of simply starting with smaller steps.

What can you do today to live more authentically? What’s one small action you can take, or a perspective to shift, that feels a little risky, but totally do-able? Start there. Share with us below – I read all responses and want to hear how your stretching your comfort zone. It makes me happy, AND you’ll inspire others!

Also, be sure to stay an active part of our tribe and cultivate a community around you who don’t just support, but celebrate people living authentically. If you’d like more on Authenticity, listen to my free Jedi Juice call on this topic by clicking here.