Today I hiked up Table Rock and checked out some vernal pools as we watched the sunset. I made dinner for my best friend and her partner, and had a few evening hours with my man to talk about some deep stuff.
I have found that a good way to describe living full-on is a lot about not avoiding things. It is about turning towards, and not away from. More on this later. I am going to download more about this while I sleep tonight… which reminds me of this (LOL):
Today I woke up with a message from my partner saying he’d be coming home a half day later than planned. He’d been backcountry skiing in Bend for a few days. The snow was awesome, the mountain was beautiful, and he was enjoying exploring. Awesome for him, right? But what came up for me was surprising.
You see, I’ve been cheated on in a past relationship. Once (as far as I know). And even that was something I thought would never happen to me. I had always been blessed with trustworthy people in my life, and my partner is no exception. I felt for the most part healed from that, so even though I knew I was over-tired and not in the best mindset, it was still disappointing and somewhat sad to see a shadow from that show up again. I admittedly had the thought (albeit fleeting) that perhaps he was with someone else, someone more exciting. And they were having a stunningly beautiful time together. And here I was sleep-deprived after a delivering a baby in the early morning, feeling alone because it wasn’t me. Even though there I am, in that picture over there, backcountry skiing with him not too long ago.
How fucked up is that?
I felt guilty for even thinking it. And who knows…maybe if I wasn’t trying to live Full-On every day, I would have let the feeling and thought go unnoticed. So, today I am living full on by being transparent about how messed up my silly head can be at times, how vulnerable little things can make me feel, and how uber normal I think it is.
I did my Jedi mental juju and arrived at the deep knowing that I needed to allow myself compassion, to be patient and heal, and that the pain of those nerve endings growing back (I’ve coached a lot of women healing from c-sections) didn’t mean my fears were true. I know that I am loved, worthy of love, and that my man is truly amazing and trustworthy. If I hadn’t noticed that feeling, this tenderness towards myself would have been a missed opportunity, not to mention the reminder of my deep appreciation for my man.
And in the end, in the final cozy Ziji resting place, I knew that no matter what, I’d be fine. So I could go ahead and breathe, and let go, and make the most of this day. And be really happy for him. And look forward to his return. In the meantime, it was time for me to find my joy, my backcountry ski mountain, my fresh pow for the day.
I had hesitated in writing about this because, ya know, I’m never supposed to be scared. I’m supposed to have taken so many freakin’ workshops and graduate courses and for fuck’s sake I had cancer so get over it, right? (sorry, I do swear a lot when I talk about the Big C). But I figured we all benefit from hearing other’s soft spots.
Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.Ziji Life.com