Day 40 – Girl Time and Kicking Anxiety’s Ass

I dropped him off at the airport, the man I love, and sent him to Alaska. I was actually OK with the whole thing because I’d be meeting up with him there Thursday;) THEN I went to my friend’s ranch, and met up with a bunch of midwives there. WE DID NOT DISCUSS WORK AT ALL. It was fantastic. We went for a hike along the Rogue River and drank home-made huckleberry and blackberry wine. We ate pretzels and watched the glorious bella Tallulah, a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel (yeah I had no idea how fancy this dog was either), run with the big boys and sneak into a herd of cattle, chasing chickens around and around the yard, rolling like a pig in mud in a pile of cow poo, and all-in-all being a true dog, despite her fantastic pure-bred haircut. There was baby-holding the 10-week old baby girl, Viva, and good all-around girlie fun. This, of course, was Oregon style, so there managed to also be talks of shotguns, how to skin a dear, and the year-long food supply that would surely come in handy someday. Hah! And to think I once believed it was giving into the man just by shaving my legs;)

Then I went with a friend to eat steak and drink more wine. And it was yummmmmmmmmy.

I was so full on I even forgot my phone and got none of these fiascoes on camera!

Now I’m home and I’ll be sleeping in bed…alone. And I’m OK with it. THIS is how it is supposed to feel in a relationship, and I relish in my coziness. There had been so many anxious nights in one of my less trustworthy relationships a few years ago…anxious because my partner wasn’t beside me, anxious to be alone, anxious wondering “what ifs,” wondering what he was doing, and all that craziness that comes in a relationship lacking trust (or confidence).

This, conversely, was such a calm and centered place. A deep Ziji…a deep knowing and confidence in myself, a deep peacefulness that all was OK, no matter what. Not just because my partner was trustworthy, but also because I have grown in my self confidence and what I know I deserve – and what I want.  That helps to rid of anxiety, no matter what.

Once, when I was getting needled for a near panic attack back in the day, my acupuncturist (Denise Vore) told me, “We are usually not afraid of what the other person will do to us. We are more afraid that we will let ourselves tolerate it.”

Word up, sistah! I find these days, when I get anxious, I tell myself, “Don’t worry. If it doesn’t serve you, walk away. You deserve to walk away if you want to.” And I relax.

This reminded me of when I used to sit through crappy movies  because “I paid for them.” Then I went to one with a bad-ass woman I know named Flo Sandok. We watched a crappy violent movie’s first 5 minutes and she said, “I am not into this. Are you?” I told her I hated it. So she said, “Let’s get up and leave.”

I was like, “WTF? You can do that? Oh yeah!” It hadn’t crossed my mind to get up and leave.

Damn. I’ve come a long way, baby.

It pays to say “YES” to what you know you deserve, and “NO” to what you DON’T deserve or want. Knowing in your heart that you will do this for yourself leads to more calm, groundedness, centeredness, and an increased inner confidence in your ability to show up for YOURSELF. This kicks anxiety’s ass.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.Ziji Life.com

Days 35 to 39 – Full-On Busy!

20120311-182528.jpgThese past few days have been a whirlwind! Hence no posts in four days;) In any event, this week was filled with crazy logistics and crazy fun. I had to further purge my house since it is in the market now (Yeeeehaw!) and there has been an incredible release as I de-clutter and let go.

I went through The Box again (see previous post on this) and got rid of even more stuff. Ah…sweet love letters are hard to chuck, but oh well.

I packed up dozens of books that I thought I’d read over the next few months but deep down I knew I wouldn’t. Then I found a picture of my dad who died in 2008, and it was from when he was 22. It was torn because I hadn’t stored it well, and I cried thinking of him and how stupid I was to be so careless with his photo.

I went pack rafting for the first time ever and it was super scary at first but I ended up laughing and yahooing the whole time. It was incredible! Epic! Gorgeous! And I wore a tabletop outside for the first time since autumn. And we got pulled over for having 4 people and 4 boats and a packraft in a minivan, but we got let off. If like to think it was primarily because we were funny and charming but Nick, nearly 60, swears its because he was old enough to be our dads and the cop, seeing him crouched in the back wedged between the boats, figured we couldn’t be doing anything that bad if he was with us. That’ll work.

Then I had a freak out that I was going through all these major changes and I felt distant from my man. So I told him I needed him to be more sweet to me and he stepped up, also pointing out he’s been home only two hours each day due to all the work he’s had, and that’s probably why I was feeling the way I was…not cuz he wasn’t being sweet. Alright. True dat.

And I worked on my awesome Ziji Up! Mastery Program that will be starting in a couple of weeks and got über excited as I dove into all the fantastic material we were going to cover.

Now I’m going to hike w my man for a bit because he leaves for Alaska tomorrow…and I get to meet him there in three days! Psyched!

So, that’s why I haven’t posted in awhile. I guess that’s a good sign that I’m living Full On;)

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

Days 32, 33, and 34 – Leaving the JOB

Living Full-On Every DayHow long have you thought about leaving YOUR J.O.B? I say “leaving” and not “quitting” because doing so really isn’t quitting at all. You are simply choosing something different. In any event, I have wanted to leave for so long. SO DAMN LONG. I love catching babies, and I love midwives, and I love my clients, and I really do dig being a baby catcher. Alas, I do not dig being an employee.

Not because my job sucked. My job rocked! As did the people I worked with. But I just don’t do well when I’m not doing my own thing. On my own terms. At least most of the time;) I even went part-time more and more over the years. But, my soul spoke louder because, frankly, it was not enough.

So I quit! Ah. Big breath.

This does not mean I am never ever going to catch another baby. But I need more freedom in my life to live out the other things that excite me as well. I am now going to be more FREE to embrace the speed at which Freedom Junkie is growing, and spread the love of radiant inner confidence so people can live their dreams. And I get to continue to live my dreams, my life, on my terms.

As my partner said when he toasted me last night, “Welcome to the free world.” Indeed.

More risky? Yes. Worth it? For me, it is.

You see, I’ve been in the “free world” the majority of my adult life. I had been a climbing guide for 10 years living in the wilderness and out of my car as I traveled the world. I have also spent years working in various clinics and hospitals, piecing together three or four different sites so that I could make my own schedule. Yes, that was more of a pain, but it was worth it for me at the time. My recent career as a midwife was the first time I ever had a kind of “normal” j.o.b. and even then it was pretty amazing and unique. It had lots of freedom within it as well. So yes, I was used to the free world.

Someone once said to me (lovingly), “You, Ana, are a special case.” LOL. Indeed. And us “special cases” can’t be put into special cases. We need to bust out of them. Some people like special cases and they make nice beds for themselves and sleep soundly. Safe and secure. And they LOVE it! But me, I like being free and running around naked etc., even if it means I might get cuts and bruises where I prefer not to. I like to sleep on the ground, under the stars (literally and figuratively). I sleep better after a day of hunting and gathering, if you will, than after the grocery store. So I took the risks to be free. And it was awesome!

But then I got cancer. And then I got booted from every potential insurers “Please come be our client” list. Then I got divorced.

Then I got scared.

So I took a J.O.B., and I gave thanks every day that bringing babies into the world and caring for mamas and their families was such a fulfilling and rewarding career, and that where I worked generally celebrated my special case-ness (I know…not a real word). I enjoyed my safe bed and the secure sleep for a little while. It was worth sacrificing some freedom when I was scared. And I still think it was a good decision. When you’re scared, it is important to take care of yourself. But after a while, you need to step back out and take risks again. I was getting too comfy. And for me that was, frankly, boring.

Not everyone feels this boredom when things are predictable. When I see people who are honestly OK with predictable, I notice that it is usually because they are in fact living their dreams – which happen to also fit in with a predictable world. But my dreams never have fit quite so well into the predictable.

On the flip side, I think a lot of people do feel this boredom as well. It is there when you pause and take inventory of the NOW. What you are doing, and what you’d rather be doing. Finally, I couldn’t be OK with what I was saying “No” to while I was saying “Yes” to security. Until the balance got tilted in that direction, it worked for me, bu after that, I couldn’t be OK with it anymore. So I quit.

I am very aware I am giving up a coziness in career that many people long for. However, I am thrilled over the moon to regain my freedom. Security has its perks, but freedom – for me – has many more.

I’m not saying this is for everyone. Peeps need to do what makes THEM happy. And for me, it is worth it to take the risks of not having an externally guaranteed paycheck (and, ahem, many have learned that isn’t a sure-thing either) so that I can live with fewer regrets.

And if I regret this decision? I guess I’ll go back and get another J.O.B. But something tells me that is highly unlikely, and hell, you HAVE to do it scared anyway. I’ve learned through lessons I hope you will never have to experience that “What ifs” are a bunch of B.S. and you do NOT want to wonder that every day of your life. Life is too short.

(Oh, and the Full On 365 recap for the past few days? Day 32: Fully – and finally – purging my house of 6 boxes of books and 3 boxes of clothes and tossing hundreds of pounds of clutter. Amen. And if you can believe it, I can STILL toss more stuff. Clearing this clutter has been a HUGE part of living Full On that I’d been putting off. Now I have more energy as a result. Which means more Full On days;) Day 33: Deciding I would make some big decisions on my own, without waiting for my partner to decide anything or for some magical event to occur, and talking to my partner about all that in a way that left me vulnerable and strong at the same time. Day 34: Quit the job;)

Full On.

 

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

 

Days 29, 30 and 31 – Checking In About Balance and Living Full On Every Day

Living Full On EVERY DAY often seems daunting, especially when I am tired. Sometimes I sit back, sigh dramatically, and think, “I am too pooped to live Full On today.” Then my Outward Bound days and the saying “Sleep When You Die” pops up. Then I tell it to, “Shut Up!”cuz maybe I got cancer cuz I didn’t sleep enough all those years. Then I laugh because I know that isn’t true. Then I stop and reflect on what I said on Day 1 of this great journey:

Full On™365 isn’t just about adventures like climbing, skiing, and traveling to remote places…It is also about the challenges and rewards of living authentically, life’s misadventures, heartaches, and everything in-between…It is all a part of a full-on life. Feeling it all, fully. Living it all, fully. Knowing what you want, fully. Receiving it, fully.”

Well, when you look at it that way, life is too short to NOT to live Full On, and it doesn’t have to be as hard to do so as we often make it out to be. It can be as simple as opening my heart to truths that are hard to hear. Or a tenderness that aches bittersweet. Or making that phone call that I know someone is waiting to receive. I can do that, even tired.

In fact, I have also found that exhaustion can sometimes open everything up precisely BECAUSE you are too damned tired to try and protect yourself and do the “safe” thing. This reminds me of some traditional Buddhist trainings that take a student to the brink of complete exhaustion so that their mind can no longer hold on to preconceived notions and is completely and vulnerably open to enlightenment.

It is all a balance that I am trying to figure out. How to balance F.O.M.O.  (Fear of Missing Out) and self-care, rest, adventure, and retreat. One thing I keep reminding myself: balance is never achieved. You do not “arrive” at Balance. Like Tree Pose in yoga, you move towards balance in every moment with the most minute movements, and sometimes big sweeping recovery maneuvers when you topple over. Even when you feel in balance, you are still moving – however subtly – in order to sustain that feeling.

I’ll keep trying;)

As for the past 3 days, some ways that I’ve been living Full On are by:

Day 29 ) giving a talk about Freedom Junkie. Ziji, and living Full On at a wildly progressive and innovative company, Plexis, in Ashland. It is such a RUSH to share Freedom Junkie with others, and watch the fire get lit in their hearts to live more fully every day.

Day 30) participating in a high-risk c-section and bringing a preemie baby into the world crying with all his might. Then not turning on the TV when I got home even though I was pooped and instead staying up with my man and dreaming about our future.

Day 31) launching my Ziji Up! Mastery Program (it starts March 26th in Ashland!), where we go through my 5-step system for living creative, courageous, wild and free. We will be building clarity and confidence for 7 weeks, and I am psyched! I’ll let you know more about it later.

PS: As an aside, if you’re going to make a commitment to do anything daily for a year, I recommend doing as I did: Start in February because it flies by faster than the other 11 months and you can say sooner, “I’ve done this for a month!” Today it has been more than a month of living it daily and blogging here at Full On™. I’ve received such amazing emails and comments about all of you living Full On in your own lives. THANK YOU for your inspiration and support!

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

Days 27 and 28 – The Box: Letting Go of a Poverty Mindset Around Love

this is the postcard my soul mate gave me over a decade ago that was in The Box

Do you have a Box? I mean, THE box. The box that holds all those old pictures and love letters, cards, newspaper cutouts, plane ticket receipts, foreign money etc. Some would say Pandora’s Box;)

I had one of those boxes. Today, I went through it and – gasp! – threw stuff out! Full On.

It was a bittersweet tenderness. I looked at maps I collected over the years, ferry passes from sea crossings on my early travels, held money from various parts of Asia in my hand, and ticket stubs collected from fun first dates or with people I idolized (like my first ticket to see H.H. the Dalai Lama in person). I admitted, for example, that I really didn’t need the bulky napkin from a crazy guesthouse in Bangkok where I had stayed up all night with my friend dancing in wigs and sipping various concoctions with this “new” drink called Red Bull. I mean, really…I wasn’t going to bust that out with a grandkid on my lap one day. Maybe the story, but not the napkin;)

I also read beautiful letters from past boyfriends…many from more than a decade ago. I went through little packages they had made for me, sending them across mountains when I was working abroad or in the middle of Alaska or the Sierra Nevada in California.

As I read the loving words and saw the care put into the gifts, my heart twanged as I thought about how they might be doing now, how I feel so blessed to have been loved in such a beautiful way by them, and – yes – I wondered if they hated me.

For realz? For realz.

It takes a lot to disappoint another to honor yourself. Some of those breakups were ones that I wasn’t sure should happen, but I was trusting myself and what I needed, and honoring a future that would be better for both of us if we spent it apart. Inevitably, it was the right thing to do.

But still, I wondered if they hated me for breaking up. I really did love them, and I really wanted them to know that. I just, frankly, also loved myself more.

There…I said it.

While those relationships did indeed come to an end, it was good to remember that I have had some pretty amazing men in my life. I’ve been fortunate enough to generally have relationships in which we communicated well, were trusting, passionate, and involved a lot of life adventure in all shapes and sizes (pan to montage of me in couplehood laughing and frolicking in the mountains…).

Gag. I sound like the female version of Julio Iglesias right now. And I lack the accent to make up for the sappiness. Sorry.

In any event, they were great men, and I just didn’t want them to hate me. But ya know what? You can’t control something like that. I reminded myself that while I like to think of myself as a Jedi on some level, mind tricks were not my forte and I had to simply let go.

Then I wondered: why had I been holding on to all those letters and photos and poems etc anyway? Yes, part of it was lovely and sentimental.

But if I’m being Full On Honest with myself, the other part is because of the remnants of a poverty mentality around love. On some level, my holding on to these keepsakes was similar to the folks with financial poverty mindsets who hoard things, filling up a garage of items they never use in a poverty mindset because they are afraid they may never be able to afford to get another one should they need it someday. And things still sit there, never to be used.

It was like Chris Rock’s description of women’s “plutonic friends” being a – excuse my vulgarity – “Dick in a Glass Case.” Break in case of emergency. This was my Love in a Glass Case. Open, read, and maybe even call in case of a heart emergency.

I say “remnants” of a poverty mindset around love because I have proudly moved through the grittiest part of that at this point in my life (one of the COOLEST things ever about getting older!). I am very clear about who I am and what I want (at least a whole lot more clear than I’ve ever felt before!) and KNOW that I deserve every bit of it. That means I am much more willing to disappoint another in order to honor myself, and this is also more possible because I know there will be someone who will celebrate me and love me even as I fully honor myself: Myself. So, I have less of a need for Love in a Glass Case should an emergency arise.

It is indeed one thing to read through such letters and look over the photos and have internal sounds of “To All the Men I’ve Loved Before” going through my head. It is a whole other beast to toss things out. But I did.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things? Hell no!

OK…I admit…DID hold on to a handful of the cutest most intricate little gifts mostly because they seemed like art to me. At least that’s the bullshit excuse I gave myself. But I bet deep down it is because there is still the tiniest remnant of that poverty mentality left. And one day I am sure those final pieces of past loves will also leave my presence. In fact, I bet it will happen pretty soon. Like waiting one more month to bring that sweater you never wear to Goodwill.

The coolest part of this whole thing was finding a card from my current partner from over 12 years ago. We have finally arrived back into each others’ lives after many years – and many interim relationships. We met in Kathmandu when we were wee little ones (mid-20s). I recognized his writing on the back of a postcard and turning it over there was the old photo of an iconic Buddhist stupa he took me to on the back of his motorcycle in Bodhnath, Nepal. He had glued the photo to a thick piece of paper, sending it off to me as a postcard when I was in graduate school at UCSF. I held this in my hands for a long time, amazed at how a part of me always knew we’d end up together.

I stuck that postcard on the fridge for him to see when he came home. And I put a lot of other things from that box into the recycling bin, and others I burned ceremoniously. They deserved more than a landfill parting.

I sat there, quietly, happy that I was not feeling empty as a result of having let go. I felt more full, and at the same time, more spacious allowing love in the present to fill my cup.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

Can I Trust You?

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
~ Spencer Johnson

The ability to trust in all our relationships – not just intimate ones – allows us to take the risks necessary to grow. In addition, knowing how we decide someone is trustworthy is ultimately not so important for “protecting” ourselves, but rather, in a Ziji Up! kind of way, to also know:

Are YOU the type of person people can trust?

This often is about living with integrity.

People want to know where you stand, what you value, and if you act accordingly. It isn’t so much even WHAT those specific values are, or even about always knowing what is “right” or “wrong” (which, by the way, is often a futile effort).

Rather, whether someone trusts you or not is more about if YOU know what you value, if that somehow includes consideration of others, if you act consistently in the things that matter, and if you’re honest with yourself and others.

That is what builds trust.

For example, in romantic partnerships, trust isn’t only about fidelity, even though that is the way it is often used. In reality, whether or not your partner can trust you is also about wanting to know if you’ll consistently show up fully and authentically in the relationship in the context of the values you share:

*Can I trust that you’ll be home on time for dinner as you said you would?

*Can I trust you’ll keep supporting me in pursuing my passions in life?

*Can I trust you to bring home your share of the money to pay our bills?

*Can I trust that you’ll not spend us into debt?

*Can I trust that you’ll watch the kids the way I do?

*Can I trust that you’ll do the laundry and not ruin my shirts?

*Can I trust that you’ll be open to making love with me tonight?

*Can I trust that you’ll be honest with me?

It is about knowing, “Can I count on you?”

The greatest benefit to living with integrity is that ultimately this leads to you having more trust in YOURSELF.

And when you have more trust in yourself, your Ziji grows, you are more confident. You are proud of who you are and how you are in the world.

Then you will take more important risks. And you will stretch. And grow. And live full-on.

Take the rest of this month to observe how consistent you are in your actions. When you find an inconsistency, what can you learn from that?

Is it harder to stay consistent when you’re worrying about what others might think?
When you’re feeling insecure?
When you’re worried about disappointing someone?
When you feel you might not be liked by someone anymore?
When it is inconvenient?
__________________________________


One of my favorite poems about “showing up” is The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (I know…woo woo name but awesome poem). I invite you to partake:



It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,”Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Days 25 and 26 – Family Time

The past two days have been Full-On Family. We are driving – in four days – a total of 24 hours (11 hours on our longest day) to be with those we love on opposite sides of a different state. You see, a close family member got sick, and another got better, and it was just time to hit the road and give gratitude that we are all still together, albeit miles apart.

Like I said on Day 1 – living full-on isn’t just about being in the mountains, traveling to exotic places, or doing extreme things. It is more often than not about showing up in this world with integrity and love, even when it isn’t “convenient.”

We made the most of all the hours of driving too. My partner had the brilliant idea of skiing for 1/2 days on longer stretches to break it up. Sahweet!

Days 22, 23, and 24 – Waterfalls and Road Trips

Hey hey, what a great few days! Check out my waterfall hike by clicking here. I ducked behind the Silver Creek waterfall for a morning wake-up call. Supah fun, and before coffee, even!

Full On activities include continuing to create my program for building confidence (more on that as I near completion…I’m really excited about it!). I want to share the system I’ve developed over the years with others and I can’t wait any longer! I need to help people build the confidence they need to take the risks that will enrich their life and allow them to live their passions. NOW! It takes a while to articulate the steps, and I’m a perfectionist so I have to keep letting go of some things to make it happen, but progress is being made;)

I also stopped and took hours out of a day off to connect with those I’ve been less-than-available to over the past few busy weeks. That felt good – to give time to people important to me. I hope they felt seen and heard and cared for.

Now, after that waterfall hike and a delicious PDX breakfast of eggs Benedict florentine style, we head to Eastern Washington on our brief road trip.

I LOVE ROAD TRIPS!