Days 236 to 241 Slowing Down And Reconnecting With My Dad’s Spirit

Full On 365I like my hands now. I didn’t always used to. They were never long and dainty like the models’ hands that I saw in dishsoap ads growing up. They weren’t sinewy and powerful like the climber chicks’ I spent years hanging out with, either. They were…hands.  Didn’t hide ‘em. Didn’t flash ‘em. Didn’t think they looked really cool with rings on.

Once, I got a manicure and I thought they looked pretty cool, but I was 11, and even then I knew that I wasn’t going to be spending my time getting manicures. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with manicures. But with the things I do every day, a manicure would get messed up pretty quickly.

In any event, during the last few weeks, I’ve been noticing I catch a look at my hands and I think of one thing, and one thing only – my dad.

I really see my dad – who died at the age of 83 in the year 2003 – when I gaze at my hands. My mom used to comment on how she was glad I got his hands. She liked how they weren’t bony, or too rough. He played the acordion and the harmonica. His hands were musical. He wasn’t much of a handyman, but he could hug. Big time.

I’ve been spending the last 3 weeks on the Island of St. Paul in the Pribilofs, a remote archipelago in the Bering Sea off the coast of Alaska. I usually scatter some of his ashes when I go someplace cool – someplace where I think he would have liked to have gone with me. He was an older dad and so by the time I had discovered the outdoors, his mobility was decreased by age and cardiovascular disease (or shall I say, 60 years of smoking?) and he couldn’t come with me on many adventures that I would have liked to have brought him on. But I forgot his ashes this time.

Perhaps that I why I finally saw him so vividly in my own body. I had a need to share all this with him on a physical level, and it wasn’t until now – at 39 years old – that I saw how much of him was a part of me. I suppose 50%, to be exact. But I didn’t get it until now.

I smile deeply as I watch the fur seals at their rookeries on St. Paul and think of how he used to marvel at even starfish, gazing at them and running his fingers along their legs.

When I pause to watch the wind waves that form in the tall grasses as they are blown in every which direction, I recall how he used to ask me to pause when I pushed his wheelchair under a grove of old growths in MuirWoods and say, as he gazed up at the suns rays peeping through the branches and took hold of my hand, “This…this is my cathedral.”

As I hang out in the clinic laughing boisterously with my patients in the waiting room, people wondering why I was hanging out there and not in my office, and chatting with teenage girls about their sex lives (in private!) and asking them questions that bring a look of shock to their faces, I remember my dad pretending to be a squirrel in a park once, looking really stupid but making me laugh so hard. He didn’t care what people thought. He just wanted ME to be happy. And that taught me a big lesson early on in the importance of not caring about what people thought of you if it meant compromising your values. That gave me courage to do things that may seem inappropriate or uncomfortable for the greater good.

Living Full On these past few weeks has been a lot about slowing down, breathing, paying attention – to my heart, my head/thoughts, my body, my friends, my partner…the guides that exist in all forms around me.

I’m glad I slowed down enough to look at my hands long enough to recognize my dad in them. I wonder what else I’ve been missing?

Have you noticed anything lately from slowing down? If you’ve been going going going, what do you think you might be glancing over without knowing?

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and Freedom Junkie™ She helps passionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly Freedom Junkie™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting anaverzone.com

Days 91 to 95 – Stop Comparing

I have spent the last few days camping at the Cal-Salmon River (yup, that’s in California;). Gorgeous! We came here because Thai is a great paddler and there was a river race of sorts. I hung out with a ton of Badasses. I am badass in my own way (and in case you are wondering, so are YOU!) but we were amongst serious badass water dogs. Having almost drowned twice as a child, a “water dog,” I am not. But I’m kind of a water puppy;)

I had a great time hanging with the peeps, especially my old college friend, Haven, who happened to be parked right next to us when we rolled into town (she had also just read a recent FullOn365.com post!). We hadn’t seen each other for over 15 years). Dozens of peeps played on the water (I even went down a river with a guy in a whitewater canoe!), howled at the moon (well, mostly I did that), and did a little ruckus-raising. No one got hurt during the Class V race, and all was groovy.

I enjoyed myself, even though I am not a good whitewater boater. Suffice it to say, the ability to do that has taken some time to cultivate.

I realized how far I’ve come with minimizing comparisons in my life, and it thrills me! They still happen, of course, but I have to say: I am feeling that all the work I’ve done around recognizing my own unique self-worth has paid off. A few years ago, I would have obsessed all day and night about how I might be able to be as good a kayaker as everyone else, or how I could appear more badass in their eyes…on and on…

It would have been exhausting.

Instead, when I had one of my classic comparison thoughts that goes something like, “(Sigh) my boyfriend probably would love me more if I was a better kayaker,” (I KNOW…we humans are such strange creatures to torture ourselves like that!!!), I quickly had the “antidote” thought and feeling that I LOVE being me, that I need to continue to love life on my terms, being authentic in who I am… Oh yeah, and that my partner loves me lots right NOW, thank you very much. And if he didn’t…oh well. Life is too short to pretend you are someone you’re not. WAY too short.

It’s also too short to be boxing yourself into a limited idea about who you THINK you are…but that’s another post.

All you’re doing when you’re being authentic is calling in the people who will lift you up, and creating space between you and the people who won’t celebrate you, and being relaxed in your BEING and in being fully present to each moment.

So, why do we bother with pretending, or wishing to be someone we’re not? Comparing ourselves to others, and essentially attracting people who won’t celebrate us?! We do it all the time…usually because we don’t don’t believe that we are enough – so we don’t think anyone would celebrate the authentic ME anyway, or that because we fall into old patterns of trying to please or impress.

I know at first it can seem hard to trust that you are completely lovable and amazing as you ALREADY are, and that there are people who would celebrate you as you are (and who likely do already). But you know what? That is the truth.

I went through some serious crap to figure that out (you can check out my bio for a few details about how). And if you’d like, you can choose to go through more crap yourself to figure out how awesome you truly are, right here and right now. OR you can try to trust me on this one, OK? Trust that I am not bullshitting you when I say, “You are more than enough.”

It was awesome letting go of comparing, and I was able to have such a better time! And I found that when you stop comparing, you can more fully celebrate others as well, which was supah fun to do around so many talented people.

Plus, I got to show off my badass manifesting skills for some balance. See, I am really good at manifesting, and my boyfriend is still somewhat confused by it, so I like to show him every now and then.

He had been checking out this rescue best they were raffling off. I said, “Let’s buy a few tickets and I’ll win it for you.” we bought three tickets. I said, “Remind me what it is we’re trying to win, again? A PFD or something?” “Rescue vest he says. So they call numbers, and I get momentarily bummed when our number isn’t called for one of the other prizes. But I remind myself that is simply because our number was going to be called for the vest.

So they get down to the vest, and they say “0-5-2” and I jump up psyched! Our number! The irony of the only chick who didn’t paddle there winning the grand prize of a high-tech rescue vest wasn’t lost on me. I quickly handed it to my boyfriend to avoid bitter vibes;)

Oh, and while I was on a roll at doing things imperfectly and having a great time, we visited our friend John in Arcata and I painted my first oil painting! That’s a pic of it above. Doing things imperfectly is fun;)

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 83 to 86 Feeling Disconnected

Living Full-On Every DayMonday I danced in the warm rain. It felt so grounding to have raindrops landing on my face, feeling my body interact with the elements and with my surrounding environment. Being indoors (by that, I mean in a temperature-controlled house) felt stifling after I had spent so many of the last few days in Alaska sleeping outside, in a rustic cabin, yurt, or on a boat (where I was lulled to sleep as I felt the water make subtle shifts below me). Playing outside, I had been feeling the biting wind, the hot sun reflecting off the beautiful white snow, the cold ice running down my back and behind my bum when I flipped trying to make a tele turn on something slightly over my head. Here, indoors, I was feeling disconnected.

So I went outside as soon as I heard the first raindrops. I was going to just bring something to my car, when I head a bird fly overhead and looked up. I felt the first drop hit my face, and it was YUMMY! I put my things in the car and turned around to go back in the house and I paused at the first step on the walkway. I looked up again and felt more drops hit my skin. I was waking up! I took off my hoodie, and let myself take BIG deep breaths. The scent of fresh warm spring rain was intoxicating. I got soaked, and it came down even harder in a huge dump, and I laughed! Well, perhaps giggled is more appropriate of a descriptor, then guffaw.

I loved how something so simple could help me feel so connected and grounded again.

Recovering that feeling isn’t always so easy in relationships.

The past few days I have been feeling disconnected from my partner. We were both so busy, and we have only been able to catch 1-2 hours of awake time together this week. I missed him. And worse, I didn’t feel like he missed me. Even though he sends me cute texts and makes me dinner and we have yummy quickie sex because our morning schedules don’t permit anything else.

Of course, this is because I tend to catastrophize when I have too much coffee and because sometimes, I tend to convince myself that awesome things in my life are too good to be true (which, by the way, ultimately sabotages them – so watch out for that in your own life!). I even remember having this same feeling come up a few months ago, and it all ended up being nothing (this, of course, I discovered after putting myself through my own personal hell for a few hours).

I’ve learned that in recognizing habitual patterns and reactions, it is important to ask yourself, “What triggered this?” What emotion am I trying to soothe? Where did it come from?  What is the root cause (usually something having to do completely with your own shit)? What am I needing right now that I can give myself? It is important to know how to get your needs met without expecting someone else to do it for you. Friends and family and partners can help hold the space for you, but ultimately, you need to go there yourself.

Even with knowing that experiencing this feeling before was a drama of my own creation, I still REALLY want to have some deep conversation about my shitty feelings and what’s wrong and is there some god-awful truth I am not aware of and other such distracting questions. Is there something OUTSIDE of myself that I can’t control, or something so at my core that is so ME that is causing this, so that I can throw my hands up and give up and say, “Whew! I knew it! Glad I don’t have to work on being vulnerable and uncomfortable anymore. Bye!” Because while it is a whole lot more dramatic and exhausting, closing off the heart can seem a whole lot easier than staying open with your heart and being painfully and frighteningly vulnerable sometimes. Turning towards something can often feel harder than turning (or pushing) away.

So yes, that is why, in an I-am-completely-aware-this-is-an-upper-limit-problem kind of way, I still really want to have A TALK. But wait…

Is there a version of dancing in the rain that I can conjure up  in this scenario? I’d much prefer that. I find that when I can self-soothe when stressed or bummed out, that once I feel better, I have a healthier perspective, and if I STILL want to talk about something after that, I can do so in a much more productive and compassionate way.

Hmmm. What a clever idea.

So what grounds me and connects me to MY soul? Nature, adventure, being outside.

Today we are going to kayak. Well, he will kayak and I will be in the packraft (which I LOVE because I can plow through scary things more often than get flipped over). It might even rain on us while we’re out there. Sounds like a recipe for helping me feel connected.

Maybe the two of us, dancing on the water together in our boats, will do the trick;)

Stay tuned…

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting Anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Day 40 – Girl Time and Kicking Anxiety’s Ass

I dropped him off at the airport, the man I love, and sent him to Alaska. I was actually OK with the whole thing because I’d be meeting up with him there Thursday;) THEN I went to my friend’s ranch, and met up with a bunch of midwives there. WE DID NOT DISCUSS WORK AT ALL. It was fantastic. We went for a hike along the Rogue River and drank home-made huckleberry and blackberry wine. We ate pretzels and watched the glorious bella Tallulah, a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel (yeah I had no idea how fancy this dog was either), run with the big boys and sneak into a herd of cattle, chasing chickens around and around the yard, rolling like a pig in mud in a pile of cow poo, and all-in-all being a true dog, despite her fantastic pure-bred haircut. There was baby-holding the 10-week old baby girl, Viva, and good all-around girlie fun. This, of course, was Oregon style, so there managed to also be talks of shotguns, how to skin a dear, and the year-long food supply that would surely come in handy someday. Hah! And to think I once believed it was giving into the man just by shaving my legs;)

Then I went with a friend to eat steak and drink more wine. And it was yummmmmmmmmy.

I was so full on I even forgot my phone and got none of these fiascoes on camera!

Now I’m home and I’ll be sleeping in bed…alone. And I’m OK with it. THIS is how it is supposed to feel in a relationship, and I relish in my coziness. There had been so many anxious nights in one of my less trustworthy relationships a few years ago…anxious because my partner wasn’t beside me, anxious to be alone, anxious wondering “what ifs,” wondering what he was doing, and all that craziness that comes in a relationship lacking trust (or confidence).

This, conversely, was such a calm and centered place. A deep Ziji…a deep knowing and confidence in myself, a deep peacefulness that all was OK, no matter what. Not just because my partner was trustworthy, but also because I have grown in my self confidence and what I know I deserve – and what I want.  That helps to rid of anxiety, no matter what.

Once, when I was getting needled for a near panic attack back in the day, my acupuncturist (Denise Vore) told me, “We are usually not afraid of what the other person will do to us. We are more afraid that we will let ourselves tolerate it.”

Word up, sistah! I find these days, when I get anxious, I tell myself, “Don’t worry. If it doesn’t serve you, walk away. You deserve to walk away if you want to.” And I relax.

This reminded me of when I used to sit through crappy movies  because “I paid for them.” Then I went to one with a bad-ass woman I know named Flo Sandok. We watched a crappy violent movie’s first 5 minutes and she said, “I am not into this. Are you?” I told her I hated it. So she said, “Let’s get up and leave.”

I was like, “WTF? You can do that? Oh yeah!” It hadn’t crossed my mind to get up and leave.

Damn. I’ve come a long way, baby.

It pays to say “YES” to what you know you deserve, and “NO” to what you DON’T deserve or want. Knowing in your heart that you will do this for yourself leads to more calm, groundedness, centeredness, and an increased inner confidence in your ability to show up for YOURSELF. This kicks anxiety’s ass.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.Ziji Life.com

Days 32, 33, and 34 – Leaving the JOB

Living Full-On Every DayHow long have you thought about leaving YOUR J.O.B? I say “leaving” and not “quitting” because doing so really isn’t quitting at all. You are simply choosing something different. In any event, I have wanted to leave for so long. SO DAMN LONG. I love catching babies, and I love midwives, and I love my clients, and I really do dig being a baby catcher. Alas, I do not dig being an employee.

Not because my job sucked. My job rocked! As did the people I worked with. But I just don’t do well when I’m not doing my own thing. On my own terms. At least most of the time;) I even went part-time more and more over the years. But, my soul spoke louder because, frankly, it was not enough.

So I quit! Ah. Big breath.

This does not mean I am never ever going to catch another baby. But I need more freedom in my life to live out the other things that excite me as well. I am now going to be more FREE to embrace the speed at which Freedom Junkie is growing, and spread the love of radiant inner confidence so people can live their dreams. And I get to continue to live my dreams, my life, on my terms.

As my partner said when he toasted me last night, “Welcome to the free world.” Indeed.

More risky? Yes. Worth it? For me, it is.

You see, I’ve been in the “free world” the majority of my adult life. I had been a climbing guide for 10 years living in the wilderness and out of my car as I traveled the world. I have also spent years working in various clinics and hospitals, piecing together three or four different sites so that I could make my own schedule. Yes, that was more of a pain, but it was worth it for me at the time. My recent career as a midwife was the first time I ever had a kind of “normal” j.o.b. and even then it was pretty amazing and unique. It had lots of freedom within it as well. So yes, I was used to the free world.

Someone once said to me (lovingly), “You, Ana, are a special case.” LOL. Indeed. And us “special cases” can’t be put into special cases. We need to bust out of them. Some people like special cases and they make nice beds for themselves and sleep soundly. Safe and secure. And they LOVE it! But me, I like being free and running around naked etc., even if it means I might get cuts and bruises where I prefer not to. I like to sleep on the ground, under the stars (literally and figuratively). I sleep better after a day of hunting and gathering, if you will, than after the grocery store. So I took the risks to be free. And it was awesome!

But then I got cancer. And then I got booted from every potential insurers “Please come be our client” list. Then I got divorced.

Then I got scared.

So I took a J.O.B., and I gave thanks every day that bringing babies into the world and caring for mamas and their families was such a fulfilling and rewarding career, and that where I worked generally celebrated my special case-ness (I know…not a real word). I enjoyed my safe bed and the secure sleep for a little while. It was worth sacrificing some freedom when I was scared. And I still think it was a good decision. When you’re scared, it is important to take care of yourself. But after a while, you need to step back out and take risks again. I was getting too comfy. And for me that was, frankly, boring.

Not everyone feels this boredom when things are predictable. When I see people who are honestly OK with predictable, I notice that it is usually because they are in fact living their dreams – which happen to also fit in with a predictable world. But my dreams never have fit quite so well into the predictable.

On the flip side, I think a lot of people do feel this boredom as well. It is there when you pause and take inventory of the NOW. What you are doing, and what you’d rather be doing. Finally, I couldn’t be OK with what I was saying “No” to while I was saying “Yes” to security. Until the balance got tilted in that direction, it worked for me, bu after that, I couldn’t be OK with it anymore. So I quit.

I am very aware I am giving up a coziness in career that many people long for. However, I am thrilled over the moon to regain my freedom. Security has its perks, but freedom – for me – has many more.

I’m not saying this is for everyone. Peeps need to do what makes THEM happy. And for me, it is worth it to take the risks of not having an externally guaranteed paycheck (and, ahem, many have learned that isn’t a sure-thing either) so that I can live with fewer regrets.

And if I regret this decision? I guess I’ll go back and get another J.O.B. But something tells me that is highly unlikely, and hell, you HAVE to do it scared anyway. I’ve learned through lessons I hope you will never have to experience that “What ifs” are a bunch of B.S. and you do NOT want to wonder that every day of your life. Life is too short.

(Oh, and the Full On 365 recap for the past few days? Day 32: Fully – and finally – purging my house of 6 boxes of books and 3 boxes of clothes and tossing hundreds of pounds of clutter. Amen. And if you can believe it, I can STILL toss more stuff. Clearing this clutter has been a HUGE part of living Full On that I’d been putting off. Now I have more energy as a result. Which means more Full On days;) Day 33: Deciding I would make some big decisions on my own, without waiting for my partner to decide anything or for some magical event to occur, and talking to my partner about all that in a way that left me vulnerable and strong at the same time. Day 34: Quit the job;)

Full On.

 

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

 

Days 29, 30 and 31 – Checking In About Balance and Living Full On Every Day

Living Full On EVERY DAY often seems daunting, especially when I am tired. Sometimes I sit back, sigh dramatically, and think, “I am too pooped to live Full On today.” Then my Outward Bound days and the saying “Sleep When You Die” pops up. Then I tell it to, “Shut Up!”cuz maybe I got cancer cuz I didn’t sleep enough all those years. Then I laugh because I know that isn’t true. Then I stop and reflect on what I said on Day 1 of this great journey:

Full On™365 isn’t just about adventures like climbing, skiing, and traveling to remote places…It is also about the challenges and rewards of living authentically, life’s misadventures, heartaches, and everything in-between…It is all a part of a full-on life. Feeling it all, fully. Living it all, fully. Knowing what you want, fully. Receiving it, fully.”

Well, when you look at it that way, life is too short to NOT to live Full On, and it doesn’t have to be as hard to do so as we often make it out to be. It can be as simple as opening my heart to truths that are hard to hear. Or a tenderness that aches bittersweet. Or making that phone call that I know someone is waiting to receive. I can do that, even tired.

In fact, I have also found that exhaustion can sometimes open everything up precisely BECAUSE you are too damned tired to try and protect yourself and do the “safe” thing. This reminds me of some traditional Buddhist trainings that take a student to the brink of complete exhaustion so that their mind can no longer hold on to preconceived notions and is completely and vulnerably open to enlightenment.

It is all a balance that I am trying to figure out. How to balance F.O.M.O.  (Fear of Missing Out) and self-care, rest, adventure, and retreat. One thing I keep reminding myself: balance is never achieved. You do not “arrive” at Balance. Like Tree Pose in yoga, you move towards balance in every moment with the most minute movements, and sometimes big sweeping recovery maneuvers when you topple over. Even when you feel in balance, you are still moving – however subtly – in order to sustain that feeling.

I’ll keep trying;)

As for the past 3 days, some ways that I’ve been living Full On are by:

Day 29 ) giving a talk about Freedom Junkie. Ziji, and living Full On at a wildly progressive and innovative company, Plexis, in Ashland. It is such a RUSH to share Freedom Junkie with others, and watch the fire get lit in their hearts to live more fully every day.

Day 30) participating in a high-risk c-section and bringing a preemie baby into the world crying with all his might. Then not turning on the TV when I got home even though I was pooped and instead staying up with my man and dreaming about our future.

Day 31) launching my Ziji Up! Mastery Program (it starts March 26th in Ashland!), where we go through my 5-step system for living creative, courageous, wild and free. We will be building clarity and confidence for 7 weeks, and I am psyched! I’ll let you know more about it later.

PS: As an aside, if you’re going to make a commitment to do anything daily for a year, I recommend doing as I did: Start in February because it flies by faster than the other 11 months and you can say sooner, “I’ve done this for a month!” Today it has been more than a month of living it daily and blogging here at Full On™. I’ve received such amazing emails and comments about all of you living Full On in your own lives. THANK YOU for your inspiration and support!

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

Days 27 and 28 – The Box: Letting Go of a Poverty Mindset Around Love

this is the postcard my soul mate gave me over a decade ago that was in The Box

Do you have a Box? I mean, THE box. The box that holds all those old pictures and love letters, cards, newspaper cutouts, plane ticket receipts, foreign money etc. Some would say Pandora’s Box;)

I had one of those boxes. Today, I went through it and – gasp! – threw stuff out! Full On.

It was a bittersweet tenderness. I looked at maps I collected over the years, ferry passes from sea crossings on my early travels, held money from various parts of Asia in my hand, and ticket stubs collected from fun first dates or with people I idolized (like my first ticket to see H.H. the Dalai Lama in person). I admitted, for example, that I really didn’t need the bulky napkin from a crazy guesthouse in Bangkok where I had stayed up all night with my friend dancing in wigs and sipping various concoctions with this “new” drink called Red Bull. I mean, really…I wasn’t going to bust that out with a grandkid on my lap one day. Maybe the story, but not the napkin;)

I also read beautiful letters from past boyfriends…many from more than a decade ago. I went through little packages they had made for me, sending them across mountains when I was working abroad or in the middle of Alaska or the Sierra Nevada in California.

As I read the loving words and saw the care put into the gifts, my heart twanged as I thought about how they might be doing now, how I feel so blessed to have been loved in such a beautiful way by them, and – yes – I wondered if they hated me.

For realz? For realz.

It takes a lot to disappoint another to honor yourself. Some of those breakups were ones that I wasn’t sure should happen, but I was trusting myself and what I needed, and honoring a future that would be better for both of us if we spent it apart. Inevitably, it was the right thing to do.

But still, I wondered if they hated me for breaking up. I really did love them, and I really wanted them to know that. I just, frankly, also loved myself more.

There…I said it.

While those relationships did indeed come to an end, it was good to remember that I have had some pretty amazing men in my life. I’ve been fortunate enough to generally have relationships in which we communicated well, were trusting, passionate, and involved a lot of life adventure in all shapes and sizes (pan to montage of me in couplehood laughing and frolicking in the mountains…).

Gag. I sound like the female version of Julio Iglesias right now. And I lack the accent to make up for the sappiness. Sorry.

In any event, they were great men, and I just didn’t want them to hate me. But ya know what? You can’t control something like that. I reminded myself that while I like to think of myself as a Jedi on some level, mind tricks were not my forte and I had to simply let go.

Then I wondered: why had I been holding on to all those letters and photos and poems etc anyway? Yes, part of it was lovely and sentimental.

But if I’m being Full On Honest with myself, the other part is because of the remnants of a poverty mentality around love. On some level, my holding on to these keepsakes was similar to the folks with financial poverty mindsets who hoard things, filling up a garage of items they never use in a poverty mindset because they are afraid they may never be able to afford to get another one should they need it someday. And things still sit there, never to be used.

It was like Chris Rock’s description of women’s “plutonic friends” being a – excuse my vulgarity – “Dick in a Glass Case.” Break in case of emergency. This was my Love in a Glass Case. Open, read, and maybe even call in case of a heart emergency.

I say “remnants” of a poverty mindset around love because I have proudly moved through the grittiest part of that at this point in my life (one of the COOLEST things ever about getting older!). I am very clear about who I am and what I want (at least a whole lot more clear than I’ve ever felt before!) and KNOW that I deserve every bit of it. That means I am much more willing to disappoint another in order to honor myself, and this is also more possible because I know there will be someone who will celebrate me and love me even as I fully honor myself: Myself. So, I have less of a need for Love in a Glass Case should an emergency arise.

It is indeed one thing to read through such letters and look over the photos and have internal sounds of “To All the Men I’ve Loved Before” going through my head. It is a whole other beast to toss things out. But I did.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things? Hell no!

OK…I admit…DID hold on to a handful of the cutest most intricate little gifts mostly because they seemed like art to me. At least that’s the bullshit excuse I gave myself. But I bet deep down it is because there is still the tiniest remnant of that poverty mentality left. And one day I am sure those final pieces of past loves will also leave my presence. In fact, I bet it will happen pretty soon. Like waiting one more month to bring that sweater you never wear to Goodwill.

The coolest part of this whole thing was finding a card from my current partner from over 12 years ago. We have finally arrived back into each others’ lives after many years – and many interim relationships. We met in Kathmandu when we were wee little ones (mid-20s). I recognized his writing on the back of a postcard and turning it over there was the old photo of an iconic Buddhist stupa he took me to on the back of his motorcycle in Bodhnath, Nepal. He had glued the photo to a thick piece of paper, sending it off to me as a postcard when I was in graduate school at UCSF. I held this in my hands for a long time, amazed at how a part of me always knew we’d end up together.

I stuck that postcard on the fridge for him to see when he came home. And I put a lot of other things from that box into the recycling bin, and others I burned ceremoniously. They deserved more than a landfill parting.

I sat there, quietly, happy that I was not feeling empty as a result of having let go. I felt more full, and at the same time, more spacious allowing love in the present to fill my cup.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

Days 22, 23, and 24 – Waterfalls and Road Trips

Hey hey, what a great few days! Check out my waterfall hike by clicking here. I ducked behind the Silver Creek waterfall for a morning wake-up call. Supah fun, and before coffee, even!

Full On activities include continuing to create my program for building confidence (more on that as I near completion…I’m really excited about it!). I want to share the system I’ve developed over the years with others and I can’t wait any longer! I need to help people build the confidence they need to take the risks that will enrich their life and allow them to live their passions. NOW! It takes a while to articulate the steps, and I’m a perfectionist so I have to keep letting go of some things to make it happen, but progress is being made;)

I also stopped and took hours out of a day off to connect with those I’ve been less-than-available to over the past few busy weeks. That felt good – to give time to people important to me. I hope they felt seen and heard and cared for.

Now, after that waterfall hike and a delicious PDX breakfast of eggs Benedict florentine style, we head to Eastern Washington on our brief road trip.

I LOVE ROAD TRIPS!

Days 19, 20 and 21 – Freedom or Security? Duh.

I had a great past three days which were also crazy busy, so thanks for your patience as I catch up here! Lots of things went on…from skiing to gathering with friends to contemplating a Full On Change: selling my house in Ashland. A re-cap:

Day 19: skied at local mountain (aptly named Mt. Ashland)! It was raining in town, and I went uphill and it turned to snow. Skiing was awesome at our little mountain, only 30 minutes away. My telemark turns are getting better. My left knee is a little sore but still usable. And I slept supah well that night;)

Day 20: Pizza and Champagne Party at my friends’ house. AND I walked there. So much more fun than driving!

Day 21: Simplifying. Hmmmm. I am a big proponent of this. But I am not as good as I used to be at implementing this. I admit that have created a pretty sweet life. However, I think I have a few too many forms of shelter. Here they are (I apologize for the crazy layout. I can’t figure out how to get them to line up. NOT my Zone of Genius):

 

Archival image of my megamyd on a sea kayaking trip in Baja (during 911 BTW. Didn’t know it happened for 3 days!)

 

My kick-ass Marmot Thor 4-season tent…and my beautiful friend Kristen

 

 

A small but much-loved 480 sqft condo in Telluride

 

my sweet cottage in Ashland
And yes, I do consider my trusty Subaru Outback as a form of shelter. I love sleeping in the back of “Dapple”

 

 

 

 

 

 

So…embarrassing. This is excessive. For me, at least.

One thing that is very important to me is free time. That’s where so much Full On living happens! And when you have lots of “things,” you tend to have to work more, which cuts into your free time. So, I’ve embarked on a mission to cut back on “things” to help free up more time so I can play, love, and connect more often during my days.

I cannot do without my two tents. They serve two very important purposes…one is lightweight and the other is bombproof, and both help me play in the mountains. My Subi, Dapple, I still need to drive. Plus, all three of those are already paid for.

So I’d like to get rid of a mortgage. Who wouldn’t?!

I thought a long time about it. I’ve been thinking about it since last summer, actually.

The winner of the “I’m going to simplify” mortgage dump is (drummmmmmrrrrrollllll) the Ashland Cottage!

Do I HAVE to sell it? No. Would I get foreclosed on if I didn’t? No. Am I stressed about paying the mortgage? No.

Will I lose a lot of money? Yes.

So why do it? Because of FREEDOM.

Some people value security. Some people value freedom. Many people value both. I happen to value freedom more than the average Josephine. It was fun having a secure life for the past few years (did I mention only have had one full-time job EVER and that wasn’t until I was 34?). I showed myself I could do it. But now I am ready to have my freedom back.

And it is much harder to have freedom with debt. Normally a mortgage is considered “good” debt. But when you hang out thinking of ways you can be so much more free without the “good” debt, it doesn’t seem so good anymore. Tim Ferris mentions the freedom that a mobile lifestyle can give you is his awesomely-named book The Four Hour Work Week. I have understood that for years, which is why I intentionally lived out of my car for so many of them.

So, I called my realtor today, and decided to put my home on the market. I’ll eventually look for a property I can get without a mortgage, or rent a sweet little place for a while. But in the meantime, the money I lose from selling my place when the market is what it is doesn’t seem so bad. I think about how I’ve had a lovely place to live for the last few years (rent would have gone to someone else anyway), I will still be able to be here with my friends and community, AND I will have more freedom to work more or work less, connect more, have more meaningful moments instead of “having” to work to pay my mortgage, and my life will be more…simple. More options open up.

I realize that many would not choose this, and usually for them security or not losing money is more important than freedom. And that’s cool. It just makes a good point of how one needs to know what you really value, what you really want, and what living Full On looks like for you. This needs to be CLEAR. That way, your decisions are much easier to make, and the path to take is more obvious. Its so much easier when you know yourself and what you want (and don’t want)! (BTW you can download my free Getting Clear Guide to Your Ziji Life by clicking here).

I also reminded myself I don’t HAVE to sell it. I am in a very good place. If this starts to feel like the wrong decision, I’ll change my mind. But I have to start somewhere. My being is screaming GIVE ME FREEDOM! and I must heed its call. Always remember you have a choice. Always remember you can change your mind. But NEVER let fear stop you from taking action. Fear is different that instinct and intuition. More on that later.

Full On.

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at FreedomJunkie.com/jedi-juice