Stop Feeling Regret For The Mistakes You Made – a Freedom Junkie Guide

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Sometimes my brain freakin’ amazes me – in an annoying kind of way. Like, how can I go from writing my ecstatic post about all the epic shizzle I manifested in the last year, all the way to feeling guilty that I didn’t manifest a badass life sooner!?

I finally learned how to take off those “shit-colored glasses” (as my friend and client, Rivkah Wood, likes to say) and I think, “Oh wow! Look at this creative and wonderful life! The possibilities are endless! I can’t wait to everyone else to figure this out! Oh, and before I get too happy, let’s not forget all the ways I totally fucked up.”

Smack down!

Sometime in the last 48 hours, I began running through the many times I had hurt others in my life. It started with a seemingly remote situation when I was a kid and came home late because I was out with friends, only to find my cat killing my favorite pet hamster (I could have stopped it if I was home! And now I can only see her looking into my eyes as her last breath left her…). I know that sounds stupid to some, but I feel terribly guilty about that.

Then there was the time I was 16 and yelled at my dad even though he was having an acute schizophrenic episode (talk about proving his delusions!); the time my mom came all the way to visit me in the middle of winter and I treated her curtly and was, well, kind of mean because I was chronically sleep-deprived…and she cried; When I was a teen and I didn’t look my grandmother in the eyes and tell her how much I loved her before she died because, well, I didn’t know she was going to die that day, but I was also so freaked out about seeing her so sick and frail, and my boyfriend was waiting outside, and I thought I could come back later…

I remembered the time I “wasted” while figuring all this relationship stuff out, like when in my 20s and 30s and I was so unclear about what I wanted that I made really bad relationship decisions and totally broke hearts – things that I seemingly could have avoided if I had known better.

I feel guilty that I didn’t figure out detoxing and superfoods, the evils of big agriculture and the beauty of organics sooner – thinking about how maybe I could have prevented my cancers altogether, or felt more vibrant during more of my life, or cooked my family healthier meals…

Why didn’t I keep up my yoga practice longer when I discovered it at 18 years old? Why didn’t I keep up my meditation practice earlier, even when I knew how much my time in Nepal and India had radically changed my worldviews and how I related with others (as early as 19 years old!)?

Ahhhhh! Stop it already!

The reality is, it wasn’t DESPITE these screw ups that I learned to live full-on. It was BECAUSE OF them. Had I not made these mistakes, I think I may not have moved with such earnest towards personal and spiritual growth.

In Buddhism there are 7 realms (BTW they have a Hell realm too). One of the realms is the God realm. Everything is awesome. Everyone is beautiful, there are flowers and shit everywhere (the cool kind of “shit”), food is scrumptuous, people are in perfect health and live a LONG time (like, a bazillion years), and they have the luxury of time to play music, do yoga, have sex, do whatever you want!

“Kind of like California,” one Tibetan Lama said to me.

There is no pain and suffering…until dying begins. Then, after millenia go by in bliss, things are all perfect and they’re sniffing their flowers and being like, “Oh, this smells sooooo good!” and then all of a sudden, the flower starts to smell off…the flower wilts. Its color fades. The leaves droop. Now it smells like moldy socks. Things around them start to decay (all things are impermanent, after all). Their bodies get old. They feel aches and pains…and this shizzle goes on for a hella long time because time is soooooooo drawn out for them. It really, really sucks because they are slowly, slowly dying – and dying is their first experience of suffering. It overwhelms them.

We all die, and for the people in the God realm, dying for them is even more excruciating – mentally and physically. This is because they have never experienced suffering before, and therefore it is that much more … devastating. It brings people in the God realms to their knees, and beyond.

The human realm is considered ideal because we have the ability to use our suffering for growth, and to be acutely aware of the different aspects of reality, to use our senses and our mental faculties to transcend our limited perspectives and experiences. There are other reasons, but I won’t go into an “Intro To Realms” course here.

Bottom line is: Sometimes I made some big mistakes that could have been prevented. I. Know. That.

They happened..we all have them. We also have to have compassion for ourselves. We are all doing the best we can in any given moment.

I have been graced with the experience of taking off the shit-colored glasses and seeing the beauty and possibility and absolutely creative miracle of this world with clearer vision.

The world looks much, much better without them on. And yes, as a result, I can now also clearly see where things could have been done differently before. AND..

I am not going to let myself feel regrets for those mistakes.

If I didn’t learn from them, if I didn’t grow, THEN they would be mistakes worth regretting. But now that I have been through the fire and risen from the ashes  – again and again – I call them human mistakes.

I am sorry for anyone I hurt, any pain or suffering of another being that I could have helped to prevent. And I promise to never, ever do it again.

“Trying” not to do it again is bullshit, by the way. As Yoda says, “Do, or do not. There is no ‘try.'”

AND I will strive to improve the JOY, LOVE, and FREEDOM of all I come into contact with. That is the true Freedom Junkie way.

Deal? Can I stop feeling fucking guilty now? Alright already!

Now take off those shit-colored glasses and be happy. Really happy. You earned it, Badass!

Note: Ana Verzone is a Thrive Maximizer + Boredom Slayer + Mindset Alchemist. With her tribe of Freedom Junkies™ she helps passionate women awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose with confidence, clarity, and focused action – from their cells to their spirit. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to thousands of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs, schedule a free Strategy Session, and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www,AnaVerzone.com

Days 50 to 53 – Loving and Receiving Fully Kicks Ass

Living Full-On Every DayWow…so sometimes when you live full on, the Universe reminds you of exactly how happy this makes her, and how much more beautiful the world is because of it.

When I was facing a serious cancer and going through my inventory of possible regrets, I had but one major one. I was pretty happy about that. I had learned enough to attempt to appreciate life regularly, and had spent all of my 20s adventuring all over the world. I had begun deep healing in my relationships with my parents. I was a whacky but fiercely loyal friend and partner. And I had learned to be compassionate with myself about using the word “regret.”

I had a general rule that if I learned from the experience and made amends for it, I could call it a mistake or a lesson, rather than a regret. But let me tell you this: when looking at not being able to do anything about a regret cuz you may die, even one regret SUCKS.

So…I am guessing you’re wondering: What was my ONE major regret? It had to do with LOVE, of course! I had one great love that I had not fully appreciated or done everything I could for. We met in Kathmandu in our 20s, and all sorts of social “rights” and “wrongs” (too soon after a breakup so maybe I wasn’t clear…having to do the responsible thing…yada yada) kept me from saying “yes” when he asked, “Will you come ride a motorcycle with me through Cambodia and Laos?” Or months later when he came to visit me en route to Antarctica.

Us in our 20s, stuck in Baja during to 9/11(after sea kayaking Isla Espiritu Santo)

We kept in touch, regularly. We had 2-3 hour phone conversations (even until recently!). We tried to date but were always on different continents. Not different continents like North vs South America. Like Antarctica vs North America. That made it challenging.

Then I pushed him away by doing some hurtful things that I didn’t know were hurtful at the time…probably because my heart was closed off after hearing he was dating a woman in Antarctica, or dating a woman in Alaska. Sheesh. How embarrassing. Apparently those things kind of kept him from opening his heart to me anymore then. Fair enough. You can’t expect someone to open their heart to you if yours is squeezing shut.

We talked about “us” and resigned ourselves to the fact that while we both wanted to be together and give it a go, perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be in this lifetime. It was too difficult to make it happen. So we became “just” friends. REALLY good friends. Like he called me from the South Pole, or sent me little trinkets from Egypt or Bolivia when he would barely email anyone else, and called me when he was having a really hard decision to make. Or like I would call him when something awesome happened in my life…like, oh, say…when I got engaged.

We had promised each other we’d tell the other person – not matter how distanced we may ever become – if either of us got engaged. I can safely say we both assumed this was to give the other person a last chance to go for it.

So I called him. And he sounded surprised, then…he congratulated me.

Sigh.

I hate to admit it now, but I was indeed disappointed. It might have been wise to listen to that. It could have spared me my later divorce (albeit an amicable one, for my ex was indeed a super awesome man). However, I was young on my path to understanding my intuition then. I had chalked it up to “grass is greener” syndrome. Plus, he had a girlfriend he met in Antarctica that swam to islands in Fiji with him with a plastic bag tied around their ankle full of their belongings. WTF. How can you top that when you’re stuck doing 12 hour shifts at a hospital while in graduate school in San Francisco (albeit also squeezing in Yosemite walls and climbing trips to Australia, alone)? You don’t. You just are happy for him, that’s what. Sheesh.

In any event, as I was preparing for my cancer excision and renal auto-transplant in 2004, wondering how sick I was (or how sick I was going to be), I thought of HIM. That relationship was my one “What if.” HE was the one thing I had wished I had gone for fully. Not pushing him away. Not making up stupid excuses. Not waiting until it was convenient or easy. And now I was married, and he was about to be engaged (although I didn’t know that at the time), and both our partners were totally amazing. Fuck.

So I let it go.

I KNOW, right?! But I wanted to do what seemed like the “right thing” then… and a big part of me still feels good about that.

In any event, I tell you all this because the Universe is supposed to have come in and given me props for all my full-on living thus far. And she did.

The past few days when I wasn’t writing here, I was fully experiencing love with HIM. I am 38, and I am finally with him. I know now that the decade+ delay was all for good reasons. We appreciate each other even more now, that’s for sure. We learned to love one another as friends. We REALLY know each others’ crap, and knowing that the other person still wants to be with us after all that is rather lovely. And we learned many things in our other relationships that we didn’t have to learn with each other, which surely spared some heartache. And there are many other things to celebrate about having surrendered to the Universe back then. But no matter what, all I know is I am absolutely receiving love from him, fully and completely. And dishing it out.

Yes yes, we are building our lives together, and making all those plans and talking about kids etc. But for me, the point is that I AM FINALLY ABLE TO LOVE HIM FULLY, LIKE I ALWAYS WANTED TO. And I am receiving his love fully, like I never let myself do before. To be honest, even if we don’t stay together “forever,” I can die knowing I experienced my great love. And that is so much better than a “What if.”

Many of you could call my bluff…if you’ve truly been dealing with dying before you were ready before. I have to admit, there’s nothing like that to get you to realize exactly HOW SHITTY it feels to have “What ifs” when you are possibly going to die much sooner than you ever thought possible.

And now I got a second chance. How often does that happen? Probably not often, because actually we also have a huge part in CREATING those second chances ourselves, and we often give up too soon. But having said that, THANK YOU for this second chance (to all involved)!

It wasn’t an easy peasy “I’ll call you and let’s meet up for coffee” kind of thing. We were still almost a continent apart. When we both first opened up to this possibility again, he was heading off to China, and after that trip he returned to his home-base in Alaska (I was currently in Oregon). Getting to be with him took some balls this time around too. I really had to take some risks, and so did he. But it was so worth it. So very, very worth it.

I was talking to a client the other day about wanting to protect our hearts, and I was reminded of my new willingness for it to get hurt again as long as I am honoring my truth all the while. It is NOT worth protecting it at the price of possibly not loving fully again (there are wise ways to do this, but that’s another post;) The risks, while scary, are part of the dealio.

So the past few days have been me receiving fully and loving fully. And I find little notes from him in my stuff, and I watch him sleep and I’m like, “HOLY SHIT! I am with him! Like I always felt I should be! This is SO WEIRD! And so incredibly cool.” Talk about patience and faith and trust. And risk-taking. And … who knows what else.

Us in Mali, West Africa – on a different adventure in our late 30s;)

But what I DO know is that had I not been committed to living Full On, to not making excuses, to not wasting any more of my precious life energy doing anything I do not want to be doing, to being willing to take the risks…I could have missed out on this. All of it.

If you’ve vomited after this, I completely understand. For me, it is The Notebook in real life, after all. Well, The Notebook minus the horse races and white picket fence and white people and one of us being an aristocrat part. Well, minus lots of things from that…but PLUS many more of our own flavahs.

I’ll admit that I own The Notebook, and everyone told me it was Hollywood bullshit, by the way. And yes, I know many of you are devastatingly disappointed by my admitting that, but oh well;) It is the only love story movie I own. The rest are Kung Fu flicks and the Star Wars series. However, I bought it because when I watched it, it reminded me not that my true love was still out there “somewhere,” but that life was too short to make up excuses for not living fully.

I liked being reminded of that, because for me it did so not in a woo woo way, or in a bullshit “Hollywood is trying to make you feel bad about your life” kind of way, but in a “Cut the BS and get off yer ass and go get it, even if you end up disappointing others by staying true to yourself. Life is too short!” type of way. I think it was because I KNEW that was true for me, and I needed to be reminded not to make up excuses anymore. I wasn’t waiting for my prince charming. I just had to have the balls to stop getting in my own way about it.

I still really do believe that it is not about if we stay “together forever” that defines true love, but rather this expansive wholeness that I feel in my heart. To feel this, even only for a brief while, is kissing God. So although I have every reason to believe this is a continuation of another lifetime and will continue to be so, this really, truly, for realz, is enough.

So have you not told someone you care for about your heart? Have you not forgiven someone who desperately wants you to? Have you not apologized for hurting someone, even if you didn’t mean to? Today, PLEASE do something about one thing that you would regret if you put it off. You never know what second chances might open up for you.

PS: I also skied up Near Point and watched cool sunsets;)

At the top of Near Point, Anchorage, AK

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at anaverzone.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

 

Days 6 and 7 – Moonlight and Forgiveness

My 76 year-old mother trying on a pirate hat...she's so cute!

Last night I went for a full moon walk along Ashland Creek. It was gorgeous, with stars peeking out from under the feathered clouds. Then I sat on the swing and made my belly turn. I told my partner I appreciated his honesty and for not running away when things got uncomfortable. That was for me.

My mother had called me and left messages the past 2 days, and I finally called her back, even though I didn’t feel like it. I was so busy, I was so tired…yada yada. I thought that was for her. But perhaps me too?

I love my mother, and I sincerely know she did the very best she could raising me (How often have I heard that?! But I really do mean it…) I also know I still have tender spots from some of the decisions she made raising me. And sometimes those get in the way of me doing things like calling her back right away, or … well, I think that’s the main on: calling her back right away. But as time goes on, and her humanity – and mortality – become more apparent, my true love for her grows. Not the “Oh I love you cuz you’re my mother” kind of love, but true love, seeing her soul, and liking it! I can honestly appreciate all she has done for me.

Forgiving her has been one of the hardest and richest experiences of my life (doesn’t that always seem to be the case?). So yes, I called her and heard her sweet hoarse voice (she had a cold…I am so horrible!!!!!!) I did a telephone assessment to make sure she didn’t have pneumonia, and promised to talk more the next day, when I could be more present. And I sent her a prayer of love. And today I called her and waited for her to get off the phone. She was off to a party (oh yes, she is my mother).

If you have a hard time moving through some aspects of having been a child with your particular parents, have a listen to this episode of This American Life. It’s one of my fave’s, called “Go Ask Your Father,” where sons and daughters ask their parents things they’ve always wanted to know. Warning: heart-wrenching at times!

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/289/go-ask-your-father

Day 1 – Living Full On, Every Day, for a Year

Hey hey!

Here I am. Starting Day 1 of this epic challenge, and I am a bit nervous – yet also super psyched!

Today I lived full-on by getting this blog up. Taking on this challenge acknowledges – very publicly – that I believe it IS possible to have at least one moment, every day, of living full-on, being fully present and fully authentic.

Oh yes, there are naysayers. There are those who told me my whole life that my positive philosophy was rose-colored and not “realistic.” That if I “really” experienced the “real world,” I wouldn’t be so optimistic.

Yet when I found beauty as I slept by my dying father, honored to midwife him to the other side; or when I marveled awe-struck in the depth and complexity of feelings that welled up from a broken heart, grateful for the spectrum of human emotions; or when I sat silently next to a fellow human who lost their child in labor and felt the powerful connection and compassion between two humans fully present with one another, I knew I was right. I felt that Ziji – that radiant inner confidence – in what I believe.

It is all a part of a full-on life. Feeling it all, fully. Living it all, fully. Knowing what you want, fully. Receiving it, fully.

Here I walk my talk. And I also open up to the possibility that I may not be able to do it every day. But my goal is to inspire you…to find that moment in every day and to have more and more of them. And I’d rather at least try than not do it at all for fear of failing.

Well, here we go. 365 days of real.

To Your Freedom,

Ana

 

 

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at FreedomJunkie.com/jedi-juice