Days 70 to 73 – Fall in Love With Yourself

Living Full-On Every DayI was beating myself up for multi-tasking today. Yesterday, I was in the middle of doing something with a dear friend when she told me her husband was just diagnosed with cancer. Now, I’ve had cancer twice, and I know how that affected my loved ones when they found out. And I was flat-out PISSED that I was having to finish this “thing” we were doing before I could be totally present with her. I was thinking, “WTF!? How can I keep having to do this without stopping and giving her a hug?!” It pained me.

Well, for starters, we were in a surgery, so yeah, I couldn’t hug her. But I put my forehead against hers and we waited until the end.

Then later I was checking email on my phone and my mom called so I answered and put her on speaker phone and kept checking my email and I thought, “Wait! This is your MOTHER! What if she dies tomorrow? And the last time you talk to her you were thinking about flight times?” (BTW in case you haven’t noticed, the thought of me or others dying doesn’t freak me out. It reminds me to “Wake The Fuck Up!”) Sorry for all the F-bombs;)

I have vowed to not multitask today. Not for the weekend – just for today. You see, I am addicted to getting shit done!

I was going to write more about this addiction of mine, when a recent email from a client popped up for some reason (OK Universe, I’m listening!), and it said, “Thank you…I am falling in love with myself again” (you know who you are – yay;). Then I opened another email from a FullOn365 reader that said, “I am focusing every day on my healing and letting go of the idea that I must be a mother at all costs. We are all spirits having a human experience and this is mine to have that with…I need to advance.”(you know who YOU are;) Yes. YES. YESSS!!!!!Then all these images came flooding in of the sistahs in my Ziji Up Mastery Program talking about how amazing it feels to start nurturing a sense of self-love again.

So I guess I’ll write about that, even though there is kind of no segue. There must be a reason, and you have to listen when it calls;) Maybe it means something particularly special for someone out there.

Here’s the take-home point ahead of time, in case you can’t read further:

We must all fall in love with ourselves (again).

As kids it was much more easy to love ourselves. Then we made a few mistakes because hey, we were like 5…then it became relatively easy to beat ourselves up. And as we got older it was easier to look at how messed up things have gotten and feel like we are broken. And it seemed to have happened so quickly, this falling out of love with ourselves.

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

100% of the time (yes, EVERY TIME) when a client tells me they feel they are broken, then they tell me the shit they’ve been through, I think, “Damn sistah! You’ve been through hell and back and here you are. If you were broken, you wouldn’t be here with me right here and right now. Welcome.”

Just because we make the same mistakes, just because we keep screwing up, just because bad shit keeps happening to us doesn’t mean we are broken. It means we are still having a lesson to learn. It means we need to do things differently. Maybe it means we need more support. It also means we are needing to fall in love with ourselves. So many of us can offer this love and compassion to others, yet leave the scraps for ourselves. All the above means a whole lot of things – but NOT that you are broken.

START LOVING YOURSELF – FIRST! It is the best thing you can do for others! I am not saying to be selfish (although many of you may have an inner voice that tells you loving yourself first is selfish, but that’s OK. Just hang with me here for a bit). I am talking basic facts – only through taking care of yourself can you take care of others.

You know on the airplane, how they tell you to put the mask on YOURSELF before YOUR CHILD?! It ain’t rocket science, baby. And did you know that many ailments in adulthood stem from events happening in-utero, with the little person developing in their mama and those mamas not eating well, or resting, or exercising, or avoiding stress (aka loving on themselves)? It’s true!

One of the basic philosophies that I was trained in (and believed in even before I went through my coaching program) is to view my clients as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. This seemed natural to me, yet apparently it is not how most people view themselves or others…especially others asking for help.

YOU are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. You kick ass. You are a badass waiting to be let out of your shell. A frickin’ puma in a cage. You are all of that, and MORE. So let yourself OUT and love yourself. And just so you don’t think I’m full of it it because I may not know you, check this out: WE ARE ALL THAT WAY. Even that ex you don’t think so highly of. Even your critical annoying sister. Even your angry father. We all just got off track in understanding what we truly needed to be happy and stopped loving on ourselves, and therefore on others (mean people always dislike themselves more than they ever dislike anyone else).

Do you know why we treat ourselves so poorly (we can be SO MEAN to ourselves! Listen to what these inner gremlins say!)? It is because deep down we KNOW we can do better. We KNOW we can make better choices. And we’re pissed that we don’t let ourselves out of the cage that we can – in an instant – open with one thought; that thought being, “I am worthy of love, and I am able.”

There’s more, “Not only that, but I am able because that is what I was born to do. I am magnificent because I was born to be nothing less. So now I am going to start living like it. Start showing up the way I was meant to.” And FIRST showing up for yourself in the way you need to

I say don’t just think you are enough. Know you are MORE than enough. And again, start with loving yourself.

When we decide to fall in love with ourselves again, it can be easy to start on the mental trip of going through all our regrets and trying to convince ourselves we are worthy of forgiveness.

Here’s the good news: Just start with treating yourself well. Rest when you’re tired. Play when you’re bored. Get a massage. Call in sick (but don’t get sick!) Take yourself out on a date. Hire a house cleaner. Get up early and meditate (as long as you’ve had enough sleep!). Go to bed by 9pm (gasp!). Have a  foot soak and watch a funny movie. Take a long weekend to climb that mountain you’ve been wanting to climb. You get the idea.

I’d love to hear what you do for self care – and therefore self love. Please share;)

Shizzle. I hope all that helped you feel a little love inside 😉

 

(PS: check out the Jedi Juice™ training call in May on making choices to help you be alignment with lovin’ on yourself;)

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

 

Days 66 to 69 – Creating Kicks Ass

Living Full-On Every DayCreating kicks ass. I know this, because I had my first free three-day weekend in a while (meaning not only did I not have schedule work, but I also had no other plans made) and I chose to focus on Freedom Junkie and create. And you know what? It was awesome. Of course, it would have even more awesome if I were able to do what I did in the wilderness with a view of snow-capped rugged peaks (hmmmm…perhaps that magazine cover with me using an iPad while backpacking isn’t so far from reality as I had originally thought…). However, being able to look out my window and see the distant hills, the blue sky, these gorgeous tree blossoms, and know that I  would have uninterrupted time to create was such an indulgence.

I have often thought about the time available to us in our youth. Sometimes seemingly wasted time, with us lacking the wisdom to “make the most of it.” I have often wistfully yearned for the freedom to have a thought, and ponder it for hours. The hours! What a luxury. And here I gave myself permission to geek out on Ziji for an entire weekend. No answering any calls except from my partner or my mother. No errands. No laundry. Just pure creation. And I couldn’t wait for it to start!

The result? No more jotting down notes while driving, no more dictating blog ideas into my iPhone. No wishing that I was able to completely focus on my genius work (not something I am good at, or even excellent at, but something that fills my cup, that nourishes my soul). I immersed myself in Ziji and it was phantastic;)

I created four new Free Training Calls (aka Jedi Juice). I named them Jedi Juice because of the total badass-ness of the power of creation they open you up to…and because Yoda es el señor). I decided I was going to offer them for free. I got super psyched to pick the topics most important to my Ziji peeps. I got uber invested in offering unbeatable value in everything I offered. I stayed up until 4am writing. I slept in. I did yoga. I went on runs in the hills. I had ideas and I thought about them. For a long time. Uninterrupted.

Revolutionary.

I was on a creative retreat, and I’d never really taken one before.

The first day of this stretch, I held a Ziji Up Mastery Program group coaching call. Then I sat in a steamroom for 30 min and  afterwards I got a 90 minutes massage. Then I sat in the steamroom again. Then I created two new programs that night. Talk about return on investment! I stayed up awhile, but I was jazzed.

So…create! Go forth and freakin’ create! When you are doing something you love, all the work and what you create it is merely love manifested – not burdensome.

What fills your creative soul? Is it singing? Writing? Dressing up or doing your hair or makeup? Is it planing a backcountry expedition? Is it organizing a trip to a remote part of the world? WHAT IS IT?

You must find the answer if you don’t know it yet. If you do know it, DO it and BE it now.

We are creative beings, and to manifest our creative destiny is one of the greatest gifts we can leave this world. If you don’t think you’re “creative” because you don’t know how to draw or because your outfits are boring (“How did she EVER think of wearing socks on her ARMS?” you wonder), or because you’re a science geek, think again.

We are all creative, and we must find our own way of expressing it. Maybe for you it is dance, writing love letters, telling jokes, or cooking, mountain biking, or building a boat! Those are creative acts. Those acts are you expressing yourself in your own way, doing it in your style.

Bring it. The world will be a better place because of it.

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly  Freedom Junkie ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at anaverzone.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 61 to 65 – Full On Abnormal (the odd girl out)

Living Full-On Every DayIt has been a totally “normal” last few days for me. However, to most it seems quite abnormal. For example, in one day, I saw midwifery patients, had coaching clients, was the model for a magazine cover shot at sunset (I got to hike during it!), taught a super fun Ziji Up Mastery Program workshop in the evening, and then filmed a late-night video audition for an internet TV channel (no, not porn). Oh, and I also snuck in a yummy dinner and pinot noir wine flight at our local wine bar.

OK fine…that was kind of more busy than usual. But really, my days usually seem to be full of random things…and I LOVE IT! I also love how I love seemingly opposite things, and that I can have my cake and eat it too. I like that I can say, “I love this and that, even if it doesn’t make any sense to you.” Life is so much more fun that way.

Someone once asked me what kind of music I liked. I remember their amusement when I said, “Anything, as long as its good!” Made sense to me…

I love having days like the one I described above, where every moment is full-on. And I also love having days where the best and most full-on thing that happens to me is that when I am feeling overwhelmed and about to crumble a bit, I find a little love egg hidden by my partner (see a picture of the one I found two days ago above). And, despite my exhaustion, I can still feel his energy and passion and adoration fill me. And I cry a little but it feels good.

one of the LOVE eggs I found the other day

I had another day recently where I delivered 2 babies in 4 hours all before 5am – one a little teeny baby that was so tiny (duh…redundant), and she was miraculous and a little fighter and she did awesome – and I was so pooped but so happy! Then I designed a webpage for my audio and video files of my most recent Ziji workshop and had so much fun with everything I learned!

I do yoga and run, and also love sitting on my ass and watching movies. I drink wine and even take drags off my friends’ cigarettes when I am feeling particularly spunky and still do 3-week cleanses with no alcohol/sugar/processed foods/gluten etc. I love spending every moment of the day with my partner and also the stretches of days I have all to myself. I love my sweet home with a sauna and view on the hill, and yet I also love the simplicity of living out of my backpack and everything I own fitting into my car.

I love my fit body, and I also feel indebted to the lessons I learned from having cancer, and the person I have become as a result. I love getting stinky in the mountains and having battle scars of cuts and bruises from the climbs I’ve done, and I love shaving my legs and feeling them silky smooth. I love having bursts of energy (like when your puppy does sprinting laps around the house) that inspires me to dance naked in my kitchen (maybe with a wig on), and also I love surrendering to massages and long stretches of time staring off into space and watching the clouds or the stars so long that I see them move.

I love a lot of things, and sometimes that makes me a busy, whacky lady. But as long as I also take time to recover and rejuvenate and be present for the people in my life, it’s all good by me.

One day I caught one of my exes looking up symptoms on the computer trying to diagnose me. He concluded I had ADHD. I concluded it was high time for a divorce.

I am abnormal baby, and I freakin’ love it! In fact, I think I was born with an innate fear of being normal, or average, or (gasp!) bored.

I am meant to be extraordinary – and so are YOU!

So. Be. It.

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at anaverzone.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 57 to 60 – Besties

Living Full-On Every DayThis post will be in bullet points, because things are a bit full on to write a loquacious one. You see, today I’ve got to drive from San Francisco to Oregon, and tomorrow I’ve got several kick-ass Ziji client calls, then a photo shoot (for the cover or a local magazine! Yeehaw!) then a Ziji Up! Workshop in the eve, and finally, I’ll record a short video on confidence for a colleague’s uber popular website. Whew! So whaddya think…bullet points OK? One full-on event for each of the last few days

• Day 57 – created an awesome teleseminar for April on adapting to change. I can’t wait to get on the phone with more Ziji peeps and talk about skills for Jedi mind juju to get through times when it feels like you’re swimming rapids in life. PS: it’ll be free so can an eye out for details next month

• Day 58 – I honored my needs and didn’t go out late with friends, even though I really really wanted to. Instead, I went to an amazing workshop during the day, then had a lovely evening of tapas with my “lil’ sis” and fell asleep by 10pm after sending a mushy text to my man. It was a sahweet slumber;)

• Day 59 – drove to San Francisco and actually enjoyed the views of Mt. Shasta and the valleys and sunset along the way (instead of multi-tasking), and did a lot of catching up with people I hadn’t spoken to in awhile. And i also got more clear about the upcoming FullOn365.com logo (creating is so fun! Especially with people you dig;)

• Day 60 – had an amazing evening with two of my besties at Sol Food (amazing Puerto Rican cuisine) then hot tubbing under the stars, then champagne and chick flick. I slept sooooo well;)

Girlfriends kick ass.

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at anaverzone.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 50 to 53 – Loving and Receiving Fully Kicks Ass

Living Full-On Every DayWow…so sometimes when you live full on, the Universe reminds you of exactly how happy this makes her, and how much more beautiful the world is because of it.

When I was facing a serious cancer and going through my inventory of possible regrets, I had but one major one. I was pretty happy about that. I had learned enough to attempt to appreciate life regularly, and had spent all of my 20s adventuring all over the world. I had begun deep healing in my relationships with my parents. I was a whacky but fiercely loyal friend and partner. And I had learned to be compassionate with myself about using the word “regret.”

I had a general rule that if I learned from the experience and made amends for it, I could call it a mistake or a lesson, rather than a regret. But let me tell you this: when looking at not being able to do anything about a regret cuz you may die, even one regret SUCKS.

So…I am guessing you’re wondering: What was my ONE major regret? It had to do with LOVE, of course! I had one great love that I had not fully appreciated or done everything I could for. We met in Kathmandu in our 20s, and all sorts of social “rights” and “wrongs” (too soon after a breakup so maybe I wasn’t clear…having to do the responsible thing…yada yada) kept me from saying “yes” when he asked, “Will you come ride a motorcycle with me through Cambodia and Laos?” Or months later when he came to visit me en route to Antarctica.

Us in our 20s, stuck in Baja during to 9/11(after sea kayaking Isla Espiritu Santo)

We kept in touch, regularly. We had 2-3 hour phone conversations (even until recently!). We tried to date but were always on different continents. Not different continents like North vs South America. Like Antarctica vs North America. That made it challenging.

Then I pushed him away by doing some hurtful things that I didn’t know were hurtful at the time…probably because my heart was closed off after hearing he was dating a woman in Antarctica, or dating a woman in Alaska. Sheesh. How embarrassing. Apparently those things kind of kept him from opening his heart to me anymore then. Fair enough. You can’t expect someone to open their heart to you if yours is squeezing shut.

We talked about “us” and resigned ourselves to the fact that while we both wanted to be together and give it a go, perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be in this lifetime. It was too difficult to make it happen. So we became “just” friends. REALLY good friends. Like he called me from the South Pole, or sent me little trinkets from Egypt or Bolivia when he would barely email anyone else, and called me when he was having a really hard decision to make. Or like I would call him when something awesome happened in my life…like, oh, say…when I got engaged.

We had promised each other we’d tell the other person – not matter how distanced we may ever become – if either of us got engaged. I can safely say we both assumed this was to give the other person a last chance to go for it.

So I called him. And he sounded surprised, then…he congratulated me.

Sigh.

I hate to admit it now, but I was indeed disappointed. It might have been wise to listen to that. It could have spared me my later divorce (albeit an amicable one, for my ex was indeed a super awesome man). However, I was young on my path to understanding my intuition then. I had chalked it up to “grass is greener” syndrome. Plus, he had a girlfriend he met in Antarctica that swam to islands in Fiji with him with a plastic bag tied around their ankle full of their belongings. WTF. How can you top that when you’re stuck doing 12 hour shifts at a hospital while in graduate school in San Francisco (albeit also squeezing in Yosemite walls and climbing trips to Australia, alone)? You don’t. You just are happy for him, that’s what. Sheesh.

In any event, as I was preparing for my cancer excision and renal auto-transplant in 2004, wondering how sick I was (or how sick I was going to be), I thought of HIM. That relationship was my one “What if.” HE was the one thing I had wished I had gone for fully. Not pushing him away. Not making up stupid excuses. Not waiting until it was convenient or easy. And now I was married, and he was about to be engaged (although I didn’t know that at the time), and both our partners were totally amazing. Fuck.

So I let it go.

I KNOW, right?! But I wanted to do what seemed like the “right thing” then… and a big part of me still feels good about that.

In any event, I tell you all this because the Universe is supposed to have come in and given me props for all my full-on living thus far. And she did.

The past few days when I wasn’t writing here, I was fully experiencing love with HIM. I am 38, and I am finally with him. I know now that the decade+ delay was all for good reasons. We appreciate each other even more now, that’s for sure. We learned to love one another as friends. We REALLY know each others’ crap, and knowing that the other person still wants to be with us after all that is rather lovely. And we learned many things in our other relationships that we didn’t have to learn with each other, which surely spared some heartache. And there are many other things to celebrate about having surrendered to the Universe back then. But no matter what, all I know is I am absolutely receiving love from him, fully and completely. And dishing it out.

Yes yes, we are building our lives together, and making all those plans and talking about kids etc. But for me, the point is that I AM FINALLY ABLE TO LOVE HIM FULLY, LIKE I ALWAYS WANTED TO. And I am receiving his love fully, like I never let myself do before. To be honest, even if we don’t stay together “forever,” I can die knowing I experienced my great love. And that is so much better than a “What if.”

Many of you could call my bluff…if you’ve truly been dealing with dying before you were ready before. I have to admit, there’s nothing like that to get you to realize exactly HOW SHITTY it feels to have “What ifs” when you are possibly going to die much sooner than you ever thought possible.

And now I got a second chance. How often does that happen? Probably not often, because actually we also have a huge part in CREATING those second chances ourselves, and we often give up too soon. But having said that, THANK YOU for this second chance (to all involved)!

It wasn’t an easy peasy “I’ll call you and let’s meet up for coffee” kind of thing. We were still almost a continent apart. When we both first opened up to this possibility again, he was heading off to China, and after that trip he returned to his home-base in Alaska (I was currently in Oregon). Getting to be with him took some balls this time around too. I really had to take some risks, and so did he. But it was so worth it. So very, very worth it.

I was talking to a client the other day about wanting to protect our hearts, and I was reminded of my new willingness for it to get hurt again as long as I am honoring my truth all the while. It is NOT worth protecting it at the price of possibly not loving fully again (there are wise ways to do this, but that’s another post;) The risks, while scary, are part of the dealio.

So the past few days have been me receiving fully and loving fully. And I find little notes from him in my stuff, and I watch him sleep and I’m like, “HOLY SHIT! I am with him! Like I always felt I should be! This is SO WEIRD! And so incredibly cool.” Talk about patience and faith and trust. And risk-taking. And … who knows what else.

Us in Mali, West Africa – on a different adventure in our late 30s;)

But what I DO know is that had I not been committed to living Full On, to not making excuses, to not wasting any more of my precious life energy doing anything I do not want to be doing, to being willing to take the risks…I could have missed out on this. All of it.

If you’ve vomited after this, I completely understand. For me, it is The Notebook in real life, after all. Well, The Notebook minus the horse races and white picket fence and white people and one of us being an aristocrat part. Well, minus lots of things from that…but PLUS many more of our own flavahs.

I’ll admit that I own The Notebook, and everyone told me it was Hollywood bullshit, by the way. And yes, I know many of you are devastatingly disappointed by my admitting that, but oh well;) It is the only love story movie I own. The rest are Kung Fu flicks and the Star Wars series. However, I bought it because when I watched it, it reminded me not that my true love was still out there “somewhere,” but that life was too short to make up excuses for not living fully.

I liked being reminded of that, because for me it did so not in a woo woo way, or in a bullshit “Hollywood is trying to make you feel bad about your life” kind of way, but in a “Cut the BS and get off yer ass and go get it, even if you end up disappointing others by staying true to yourself. Life is too short!” type of way. I think it was because I KNEW that was true for me, and I needed to be reminded not to make up excuses anymore. I wasn’t waiting for my prince charming. I just had to have the balls to stop getting in my own way about it.

I still really do believe that it is not about if we stay “together forever” that defines true love, but rather this expansive wholeness that I feel in my heart. To feel this, even only for a brief while, is kissing God. So although I have every reason to believe this is a continuation of another lifetime and will continue to be so, this really, truly, for realz, is enough.

So have you not told someone you care for about your heart? Have you not forgiven someone who desperately wants you to? Have you not apologized for hurting someone, even if you didn’t mean to? Today, PLEASE do something about one thing that you would regret if you put it off. You never know what second chances might open up for you.

PS: I also skied up Near Point and watched cool sunsets;)

At the top of Near Point, Anchorage, AK

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at anaverzone.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

 

Days 41, 42 and 43 Burning the Candle at Both Ends

Living Full-On Every DayA part of me was secretly excited that my site was down for over 24 hours (all was good – it was maintenance). That’s because I was way too busy to write a post. And that’s the way it has been for the past 3 days, actually. I’ve been so busy, in fact, that I have only slept 10 hours since Monday (and I write this Thursday morning).

Not all of this is due to something “stressful.” I had many amazing Freedom Junkie client calls, helped dozens of women with their lives and their health, and feng shui’d my house so that it looks like a freakin’ model home (it’s on the market, otherwise it would look like its usual bohemian madness self). I also brought multiple babies into this world in the wee hours, and that, albeit not ideal timing for sleep – is always a miraculous time of day. All this was not without the help of other amazing kick-ass women in my life, like my personal assistant Jenna, my medical assistant Claudia, and my organizers Kristin and Cathy (thank you!). But while those events fed my soul, the sum of the whole left me with my ass whooped. I was so whooped, I was brought to tears – yet I was too tired to cry. So I just thought about how good it would feel like if I did. Dang!

So what to do? I am guessing my future post about today – and perhaps even tomorrow – is going to be about Full On Rest. Amen.

from my morning snow run

I’m writing this as I head to Anchorage. Normally I would be super excited to get there. But being as tired as I am, I am not looking forward to having to build a fire when I get to the yurt, or shovel snow. So instead of focusing on that, I am going to book a massage (maybe even massages!), promise myself that if I don’t get to sleep in an hour after arriving I am also booking a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub for the night, and then I am going to plan a spa day with my Alaskan girls. They could use some pampering after all that backcountry skiing we’re going to do;)

It is funny how I have to give myself permission to rest. After ALL that stuff I accomplished, there’s still a little voice telling me I can do a bit more. But who cares if I could!? Just because we can do more, doesn’t mean we should do more. Yes, I am talking to YOU, fellow super-woman extraordinaire. YOU don’t have to either.

Well then, it is settled: today I am choosing to do nothing. I can be gentle with myself and do absolutely nothing. Let me rephrase – I need to be gentle with myself and do nothing. After all, on top of that sleep deprivation, I also passed through the anniversary of my first encounter with The Big C (8 years yesterday!). Yeehaw! C free baby! A cause to celebrate, but also an emotional experience to be reckoned with.

Which reminds me that I had another mole removed from my right shoulder Monday (Day 41), reminding me of my second run-in with the Big C. It was my four-leaf clover mole. I’ve had it forever. I even have a picture of it. But I wasn’t 100% sure if it was changing or not, and I would prefer not to dance with a melanoma again, so I had them shave it off. And to boot, this was at 7am. Ouch.

So yeah, I deserve every bit of rest I can muster.

Was it worth this degree of fatigue? I’ve already mentioned some Full On moments from the past 3 days. Thinking back on others, I also went for a morning run in the snow (while it was snowing!), and that woke me up big time and had me appreciate beauty first thing in the morning, which is always a blessing. I dipped back into my yoga practice, which escaped me for a bit these past few hectic months. I scored some sweet party wigs for a fiesta I am having this weekend, celebrating that 8th year of being free of my renal cell carcinoma, and visited with some girlfriends I hadn’t connected with for a long time (albeit on the phone!). Plus I spoke to my mom, every day, even though I was utterly exhausted.

So when I choose to focus on those moments, yes, it was all worth it. I’d rather have had some of those moments than been asleep. I’d have done it a little differently in hindsight, perhaps. But sometimes we just have these bursts of time where we barely make it over the finish line. And that’s just life. Sometimes you just need to do what you need to do, and try to do it with as much grace as possible.

I am designing my life to have fewer of those stressful bursts, though. I know I can have both adequate sleep and kick-ass moments. “Sleep when you die” is not a funny phrase to someone who has had cancer twice;)  And in reality, this was just one of those times in life where all those things HAD to be done – and I did them! So I am celebrating the fact that I kicked some busy ass. And I am SO not doing that craziness again for awhile. Promise. We need to remember to fill our cup!

When we find ourselves in those moments of being stretched to our max, this is where Ziji comes in: knowing – no mater what – that you can do it. Because you have time and time again. And you’re still here, having everything you need inside you to move through this, with grace and courage and a kick-ass attitude.

Add a spoonful of self-love and compassion for this gal. I am heading to bed…after booking that massage!

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at FreedomJunkie.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training at FreedomJunkie.com/jedi-juice

Days 32, 33, and 34 – Leaving the JOB

Living Full-On Every DayHow long have you thought about leaving YOUR J.O.B? I say “leaving” and not “quitting” because doing so really isn’t quitting at all. You are simply choosing something different. In any event, I have wanted to leave for so long. SO DAMN LONG. I love catching babies, and I love midwives, and I love my clients, and I really do dig being a baby catcher. Alas, I do not dig being an employee.

Not because my job sucked. My job rocked! As did the people I worked with. But I just don’t do well when I’m not doing my own thing. On my own terms. At least most of the time;) I even went part-time more and more over the years. But, my soul spoke louder because, frankly, it was not enough.

So I quit! Ah. Big breath.

This does not mean I am never ever going to catch another baby. But I need more freedom in my life to live out the other things that excite me as well. I am now going to be more FREE to embrace the speed at which Freedom Junkie is growing, and spread the love of radiant inner confidence so people can live their dreams. And I get to continue to live my dreams, my life, on my terms.

As my partner said when he toasted me last night, “Welcome to the free world.” Indeed.

More risky? Yes. Worth it? For me, it is.

You see, I’ve been in the “free world” the majority of my adult life. I had been a climbing guide for 10 years living in the wilderness and out of my car as I traveled the world. I have also spent years working in various clinics and hospitals, piecing together three or four different sites so that I could make my own schedule. Yes, that was more of a pain, but it was worth it for me at the time. My recent career as a midwife was the first time I ever had a kind of “normal” j.o.b. and even then it was pretty amazing and unique. It had lots of freedom within it as well. So yes, I was used to the free world.

Someone once said to me (lovingly), “You, Ana, are a special case.” LOL. Indeed. And us “special cases” can’t be put into special cases. We need to bust out of them. Some people like special cases and they make nice beds for themselves and sleep soundly. Safe and secure. And they LOVE it! But me, I like being free and running around naked etc., even if it means I might get cuts and bruises where I prefer not to. I like to sleep on the ground, under the stars (literally and figuratively). I sleep better after a day of hunting and gathering, if you will, than after the grocery store. So I took the risks to be free. And it was awesome!

But then I got cancer. And then I got booted from every potential insurers “Please come be our client” list. Then I got divorced.

Then I got scared.

So I took a J.O.B., and I gave thanks every day that bringing babies into the world and caring for mamas and their families was such a fulfilling and rewarding career, and that where I worked generally celebrated my special case-ness (I know…not a real word). I enjoyed my safe bed and the secure sleep for a little while. It was worth sacrificing some freedom when I was scared. And I still think it was a good decision. When you’re scared, it is important to take care of yourself. But after a while, you need to step back out and take risks again. I was getting too comfy. And for me that was, frankly, boring.

Not everyone feels this boredom when things are predictable. When I see people who are honestly OK with predictable, I notice that it is usually because they are in fact living their dreams – which happen to also fit in with a predictable world. But my dreams never have fit quite so well into the predictable.

On the flip side, I think a lot of people do feel this boredom as well. It is there when you pause and take inventory of the NOW. What you are doing, and what you’d rather be doing. Finally, I couldn’t be OK with what I was saying “No” to while I was saying “Yes” to security. Until the balance got tilted in that direction, it worked for me, bu after that, I couldn’t be OK with it anymore. So I quit.

I am very aware I am giving up a coziness in career that many people long for. However, I am thrilled over the moon to regain my freedom. Security has its perks, but freedom – for me – has many more.

I’m not saying this is for everyone. Peeps need to do what makes THEM happy. And for me, it is worth it to take the risks of not having an externally guaranteed paycheck (and, ahem, many have learned that isn’t a sure-thing either) so that I can live with fewer regrets.

And if I regret this decision? I guess I’ll go back and get another J.O.B. But something tells me that is highly unlikely, and hell, you HAVE to do it scared anyway. I’ve learned through lessons I hope you will never have to experience that “What ifs” are a bunch of B.S. and you do NOT want to wonder that every day of your life. Life is too short.

(Oh, and the Full On 365 recap for the past few days? Day 32: Fully – and finally – purging my house of 6 boxes of books and 3 boxes of clothes and tossing hundreds of pounds of clutter. Amen. And if you can believe it, I can STILL toss more stuff. Clearing this clutter has been a HUGE part of living Full On that I’d been putting off. Now I have more energy as a result. Which means more Full On days;) Day 33: Deciding I would make some big decisions on my own, without waiting for my partner to decide anything or for some magical event to occur, and talking to my partner about all that in a way that left me vulnerable and strong at the same time. Day 34: Quit the job;)

Full On.

 

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

 

Days 27 and 28 – The Box: Letting Go of a Poverty Mindset Around Love

this is the postcard my soul mate gave me over a decade ago that was in The Box

Do you have a Box? I mean, THE box. The box that holds all those old pictures and love letters, cards, newspaper cutouts, plane ticket receipts, foreign money etc. Some would say Pandora’s Box;)

I had one of those boxes. Today, I went through it and – gasp! – threw stuff out! Full On.

It was a bittersweet tenderness. I looked at maps I collected over the years, ferry passes from sea crossings on my early travels, held money from various parts of Asia in my hand, and ticket stubs collected from fun first dates or with people I idolized (like my first ticket to see H.H. the Dalai Lama in person). I admitted, for example, that I really didn’t need the bulky napkin from a crazy guesthouse in Bangkok where I had stayed up all night with my friend dancing in wigs and sipping various concoctions with this “new” drink called Red Bull. I mean, really…I wasn’t going to bust that out with a grandkid on my lap one day. Maybe the story, but not the napkin;)

I also read beautiful letters from past boyfriends…many from more than a decade ago. I went through little packages they had made for me, sending them across mountains when I was working abroad or in the middle of Alaska or the Sierra Nevada in California.

As I read the loving words and saw the care put into the gifts, my heart twanged as I thought about how they might be doing now, how I feel so blessed to have been loved in such a beautiful way by them, and – yes – I wondered if they hated me.

For realz? For realz.

It takes a lot to disappoint another to honor yourself. Some of those breakups were ones that I wasn’t sure should happen, but I was trusting myself and what I needed, and honoring a future that would be better for both of us if we spent it apart. Inevitably, it was the right thing to do.

But still, I wondered if they hated me for breaking up. I really did love them, and I really wanted them to know that. I just, frankly, also loved myself more.

There…I said it.

While those relationships did indeed come to an end, it was good to remember that I have had some pretty amazing men in my life. I’ve been fortunate enough to generally have relationships in which we communicated well, were trusting, passionate, and involved a lot of life adventure in all shapes and sizes (pan to montage of me in couplehood laughing and frolicking in the mountains…).

Gag. I sound like the female version of Julio Iglesias right now. And I lack the accent to make up for the sappiness. Sorry.

In any event, they were great men, and I just didn’t want them to hate me. But ya know what? You can’t control something like that. I reminded myself that while I like to think of myself as a Jedi on some level, mind tricks were not my forte and I had to simply let go.

Then I wondered: why had I been holding on to all those letters and photos and poems etc anyway? Yes, part of it was lovely and sentimental.

But if I’m being Full On Honest with myself, the other part is because of the remnants of a poverty mentality around love. On some level, my holding on to these keepsakes was similar to the folks with financial poverty mindsets who hoard things, filling up a garage of items they never use in a poverty mindset because they are afraid they may never be able to afford to get another one should they need it someday. And things still sit there, never to be used.

It was like Chris Rock’s description of women’s “plutonic friends” being a – excuse my vulgarity – “Dick in a Glass Case.” Break in case of emergency. This was my Love in a Glass Case. Open, read, and maybe even call in case of a heart emergency.

I say “remnants” of a poverty mindset around love because I have proudly moved through the grittiest part of that at this point in my life (one of the COOLEST things ever about getting older!). I am very clear about who I am and what I want (at least a whole lot more clear than I’ve ever felt before!) and KNOW that I deserve every bit of it. That means I am much more willing to disappoint another in order to honor myself, and this is also more possible because I know there will be someone who will celebrate me and love me even as I fully honor myself: Myself. So, I have less of a need for Love in a Glass Case should an emergency arise.

It is indeed one thing to read through such letters and look over the photos and have internal sounds of “To All the Men I’ve Loved Before” going through my head. It is a whole other beast to toss things out. But I did.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things? Hell no!

OK…I admit…DID hold on to a handful of the cutest most intricate little gifts mostly because they seemed like art to me. At least that’s the bullshit excuse I gave myself. But I bet deep down it is because there is still the tiniest remnant of that poverty mentality left. And one day I am sure those final pieces of past loves will also leave my presence. In fact, I bet it will happen pretty soon. Like waiting one more month to bring that sweater you never wear to Goodwill.

The coolest part of this whole thing was finding a card from my current partner from over 12 years ago. We have finally arrived back into each others’ lives after many years – and many interim relationships. We met in Kathmandu when we were wee little ones (mid-20s). I recognized his writing on the back of a postcard and turning it over there was the old photo of an iconic Buddhist stupa he took me to on the back of his motorcycle in Bodhnath, Nepal. He had glued the photo to a thick piece of paper, sending it off to me as a postcard when I was in graduate school at UCSF. I held this in my hands for a long time, amazed at how a part of me always knew we’d end up together.

I stuck that postcard on the fridge for him to see when he came home. And I put a lot of other things from that box into the recycling bin, and others I burned ceremoniously. They deserved more than a landfill parting.

I sat there, quietly, happy that I was not feeling empty as a result of having let go. I felt more full, and at the same time, more spacious allowing love in the present to fill my cup.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

Days 22, 23, and 24 – Waterfalls and Road Trips

Hey hey, what a great few days! Check out my waterfall hike by clicking here. I ducked behind the Silver Creek waterfall for a morning wake-up call. Supah fun, and before coffee, even!

Full On activities include continuing to create my program for building confidence (more on that as I near completion…I’m really excited about it!). I want to share the system I’ve developed over the years with others and I can’t wait any longer! I need to help people build the confidence they need to take the risks that will enrich their life and allow them to live their passions. NOW! It takes a while to articulate the steps, and I’m a perfectionist so I have to keep letting go of some things to make it happen, but progress is being made;)

I also stopped and took hours out of a day off to connect with those I’ve been less-than-available to over the past few busy weeks. That felt good – to give time to people important to me. I hope they felt seen and heard and cared for.

Now, after that waterfall hike and a delicious PDX breakfast of eggs Benedict florentine style, we head to Eastern Washington on our brief road trip.

I LOVE ROAD TRIPS!

Days 19, 20 and 21 – Freedom or Security? Duh.

I had a great past three days which were also crazy busy, so thanks for your patience as I catch up here! Lots of things went on…from skiing to gathering with friends to contemplating a Full On Change: selling my house in Ashland. A re-cap:

Day 19: skied at local mountain (aptly named Mt. Ashland)! It was raining in town, and I went uphill and it turned to snow. Skiing was awesome at our little mountain, only 30 minutes away. My telemark turns are getting better. My left knee is a little sore but still usable. And I slept supah well that night;)

Day 20: Pizza and Champagne Party at my friends’ house. AND I walked there. So much more fun than driving!

Day 21: Simplifying. Hmmmm. I am a big proponent of this. But I am not as good as I used to be at implementing this. I admit that have created a pretty sweet life. However, I think I have a few too many forms of shelter. Here they are (I apologize for the crazy layout. I can’t figure out how to get them to line up. NOT my Zone of Genius):

 

Archival image of my megamyd on a sea kayaking trip in Baja (during 911 BTW. Didn’t know it happened for 3 days!)

 

My kick-ass Marmot Thor 4-season tent…and my beautiful friend Kristen

 

 

A small but much-loved 480 sqft condo in Telluride

 

my sweet cottage in Ashland
And yes, I do consider my trusty Subaru Outback as a form of shelter. I love sleeping in the back of “Dapple”

 

 

 

 

 

 

So…embarrassing. This is excessive. For me, at least.

One thing that is very important to me is free time. That’s where so much Full On living happens! And when you have lots of “things,” you tend to have to work more, which cuts into your free time. So, I’ve embarked on a mission to cut back on “things” to help free up more time so I can play, love, and connect more often during my days.

I cannot do without my two tents. They serve two very important purposes…one is lightweight and the other is bombproof, and both help me play in the mountains. My Subi, Dapple, I still need to drive. Plus, all three of those are already paid for.

So I’d like to get rid of a mortgage. Who wouldn’t?!

I thought a long time about it. I’ve been thinking about it since last summer, actually.

The winner of the “I’m going to simplify” mortgage dump is (drummmmmmrrrrrollllll) the Ashland Cottage!

Do I HAVE to sell it? No. Would I get foreclosed on if I didn’t? No. Am I stressed about paying the mortgage? No.

Will I lose a lot of money? Yes.

So why do it? Because of FREEDOM.

Some people value security. Some people value freedom. Many people value both. I happen to value freedom more than the average Josephine. It was fun having a secure life for the past few years (did I mention only have had one full-time job EVER and that wasn’t until I was 34?). I showed myself I could do it. But now I am ready to have my freedom back.

And it is much harder to have freedom with debt. Normally a mortgage is considered “good” debt. But when you hang out thinking of ways you can be so much more free without the “good” debt, it doesn’t seem so good anymore. Tim Ferris mentions the freedom that a mobile lifestyle can give you is his awesomely-named book The Four Hour Work Week. I have understood that for years, which is why I intentionally lived out of my car for so many of them.

So, I called my realtor today, and decided to put my home on the market. I’ll eventually look for a property I can get without a mortgage, or rent a sweet little place for a while. But in the meantime, the money I lose from selling my place when the market is what it is doesn’t seem so bad. I think about how I’ve had a lovely place to live for the last few years (rent would have gone to someone else anyway), I will still be able to be here with my friends and community, AND I will have more freedom to work more or work less, connect more, have more meaningful moments instead of “having” to work to pay my mortgage, and my life will be more…simple. More options open up.

I realize that many would not choose this, and usually for them security or not losing money is more important than freedom. And that’s cool. It just makes a good point of how one needs to know what you really value, what you really want, and what living Full On looks like for you. This needs to be CLEAR. That way, your decisions are much easier to make, and the path to take is more obvious. Its so much easier when you know yourself and what you want (and don’t want)! (BTW you can download my free Getting Clear Guide to Your Ziji Life by clicking here).

I also reminded myself I don’t HAVE to sell it. I am in a very good place. If this starts to feel like the wrong decision, I’ll change my mind. But I have to start somewhere. My being is screaming GIVE ME FREEDOM! and I must heed its call. Always remember you have a choice. Always remember you can change your mind. But NEVER let fear stop you from taking action. Fear is different that instinct and intuition. More on that later.

Full On.

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at FreedomJunkie.com/jedi-juice