Days 11 & 12 – Powder and Baby Talk

20120213-110541.jpg
We had driven to Durango to visit some friends since the storm had not quite yet hit Telluride. It was a great time, and we had some heart to heart about what it was like for our friends’ lives after they had their daughter.

I appreciated their full-on honesty and how they admitted that while they love their daughter, it definitely changed their lives in way they had not imagined that was very difficult. The girl’s mom admitted she was never the type to HAVE to have a kid in the first place. They founds it extremely hard on their relationship and in the other passions in life.

I know some will be pissed at them for even sharing these feelings, judging somehow that this is simply what we “all know” happens when you have a kid. Still, I appreciated how they shared this complex of feelings and still were amazing parents. How they honored their passions of the outdoors and travel and trying to still have them met as parents.

It’s complex. And I know that while I don’t have a kid now (but will hopefully have one eventually!), in the meantime I will fully appreciate the free time I have alone and with my partner while it’s still here, and not take any of it for granted!

I have a feeling I’ll write more on this later.

In any event, I felt I showed up fully as a friend by driving to meet ALL my friends with kids at their place the past few days, sparing them loading the kiddos into the car, even though it added hours of driving to my days. I brought them wine and food and yumminess and we laughed into the wee hours of the morning. And hopefully they felt a bit pampered as parents that day.

Oh…and did I mention powder days in Telluride? Yeeeehaw!

Days 8 and 9 – Raining Babies and Snowing in Colorado

Yesterday I caught 3 babies…three new human beings! Two boys and one girl. Sooooooo cute. One tiny, one huge, and one right in the middle.

Ya know what’s full-on? A woman in labor! I sing the praises of the powerful women I was with yesterday. To witness the miracle of birth and the power of a woman birthing is always humbling.

Do you know how deep these women dig within themselves to get their sweet baby out? How scary it is? How HARD it is? How INTENSE it is? How AWESOME it is? Too look into her eyes takes you to another place.

If looking into a newborn baby’s eyes is like looking into heaven or some ancient wisdom, looking into a birthing woman’s eyes is…primal. PRIMAL. It’s so freakin’ raw. Some of these women think they can’t run a marathon, or hike to Everest Basecamp, or travel to Antarctica, or go back to school…and they do THIS and it is awesome. And not just the birth, but they’re parents after it all! It blows me away – this not knowing their power, and touching it during this miracle.

You can always do more than what you’re capable of. The Universe plays like that.

I’m sleep deprived after all those babies, but happy 🙂

Now I’m getting on a plane to Salt Lake City to visit some friends in Park City, then head to Telluride for some skiing of all kinds…backcountry, resort, and longer touring. I can’t wait! A lot of living full-on for me is playing outside, and my body has been needing this a good long while.

To top off my full-on-ness, I will perhaps have a glass of wine on the plane while I’m at it.

Yeeeehaw!

Days 6 and 7 – Moonlight and Forgiveness

My 76 year-old mother trying on a pirate hat...she's so cute!

Last night I went for a full moon walk along Ashland Creek. It was gorgeous, with stars peeking out from under the feathered clouds. Then I sat on the swing and made my belly turn. I told my partner I appreciated his honesty and for not running away when things got uncomfortable. That was for me.

My mother had called me and left messages the past 2 days, and I finally called her back, even though I didn’t feel like it. I was so busy, I was so tired…yada yada. I thought that was for her. But perhaps me too?

I love my mother, and I sincerely know she did the very best she could raising me (How often have I heard that?! But I really do mean it…) I also know I still have tender spots from some of the decisions she made raising me. And sometimes those get in the way of me doing things like calling her back right away, or … well, I think that’s the main on: calling her back right away. But as time goes on, and her humanity – and mortality – become more apparent, my true love for her grows. Not the “Oh I love you cuz you’re my mother” kind of love, but true love, seeing her soul, and liking it! I can honestly appreciate all she has done for me.

Forgiving her has been one of the hardest and richest experiences of my life (doesn’t that always seem to be the case?). So yes, I called her and heard her sweet hoarse voice (she had a cold…I am so horrible!!!!!!) I did a telephone assessment to make sure she didn’t have pneumonia, and promised to talk more the next day, when I could be more present. And I sent her a prayer of love. And today I called her and waited for her to get off the phone. She was off to a party (oh yes, she is my mother).

If you have a hard time moving through some aspects of having been a child with your particular parents, have a listen to this episode of This American Life. It’s one of my fave’s, called “Go Ask Your Father,” where sons and daughters ask their parents things they’ve always wanted to know. Warning: heart-wrenching at times!

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/289/go-ask-your-father

Day 5 – Downloading

Today I hiked up Table Rock and checked out some vernal pools as we watched the sunset. I made dinner for my best friend and her partner, and had a few evening hours with my man to talk about some deep stuff.

I have found that a good way to describe living full-on is a lot about not avoiding things. It is about turning towards, and not away from. More on this later. I am going to download more about this while I sleep tonight… which reminds me of this (LOL):

Shit New Age Girls Say

http://youtu.be/iOavbyDKSi0

Sweet downloading!

 

 

Day 3 – Full-On Vulnerability

Today I woke up with a message from my partner saying he’d be coming home a half day later than planned. He’d been backcountry skiing in Bend for a few days. The snow was awesome, the mountain was beautiful, and he was enjoying exploring. Awesome for him, right? But what came up for me was surprising.

You see, I’ve been cheated on in a past relationship. Once (as far as I know). And even that was something I thought would never happen to me. I had always been blessed with trustworthy people in my life, and my partner is no exception. I felt for the most part healed from that, so even though I knew I was over-tired and not in the best mindset, it was still disappointing and somewhat sad to see a shadow from that show up again. I admittedly had the thought (albeit fleeting) that perhaps he was with someone else, someone more exciting. And they were having a stunningly beautiful time together. And here I was sleep-deprived after a delivering a baby in the early morning, feeling alone because it wasn’t me. Even though there I am, in that picture over there, backcountry skiing with him not too long ago.

How fucked up is that?

Very.

I felt guilty for even thinking it. And who knows…maybe if I wasn’t trying to live Full-On every day, I would have let the feeling and thought go unnoticed. So, today I am living full on by being transparent about how messed up my silly head can be at times, how vulnerable little things can make me feel, and how uber normal I think it is.

I did my Jedi mental juju and arrived at the deep knowing that I needed to allow myself compassion, to be patient and heal, and that the pain of those nerve endings growing back (I’ve coached a lot of women healing from c-sections) didn’t mean my fears were true. I know that I am loved, worthy of love, and that my man is truly amazing and trustworthy. If I hadn’t noticed that feeling, this tenderness towards myself would have been a missed opportunity, not to mention the reminder of my deep appreciation for my man.

And in the end, in the final cozy Ziji resting place, I knew that no matter what, I’d be fine. So I could go ahead and breathe, and let go, and make the most of this day. And be really happy for him. And look forward to his return. In the meantime, it was time for me to find my joy, my backcountry ski mountain, my fresh pow for the day.

I had hesitated in writing about this because, ya know, I’m never supposed to be scared. I’m supposed to have taken so many freakin’ workshops and graduate courses and for fuck’s sake I had cancer so get over it, right? (sorry, I do swear a lot when I talk about the Big C). But I figured we all benefit from hearing other’s soft spots.

Whew!

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.Ziji Life.com

Day 2 – My Kick-Ass Bucket List

Today I’m going to add a bit of my Kick Ass Bucket List to this blog, especially because it is part of the February 30 Day Ziji Up! Challenge. I’m trying to come up with things to add that I MUST do before I die. I’ve often thought about these things and said I’d like to do them, but not yet committed to them! I want these things to light a fire under my butt to get out there and DO it! Today it feels easier to come up with some of the bigger travel adventures I’d been dreaming of. But I am sure that the deeper, inner risks of living Full On will pop up soon.

Because I am giving myself prophylactic permission to write short entries, I’m only adding 5 things before I sign off:

~ go to Antarctica

~ travel by bike through the Gobi desert

~ write a book (or two+)

~ live in a foreign country for at least 6 months (as an adult…this was done in my 20s but I didn’t fully appreciate how cool it was because I was usually cold and hungry, albeit happy)

~ do a yoga and surf retreat in Costa Rica and/or Brazil. With massages and acupuncture and fresh smoothies…the whole bit. I did an awesome one in Mexico a few years back, and really would like to experience one a bit further away.

As for the rest of my day so far,  I’ve gone for a run even though I had every reason in the book not to, and taking care of myself is a big part of living Full On. AND I started a cleanse, which I will faithfully follow until I head to Telluride, Colorado next week, which will give me every reason in the book not to;) What kind of cleanse? In short, no alcohol, dairy, gluten, caffeine, sugar, or processed foods. I feel uber good during and after, believe it or not.

That’s it for now…I need to get my yoga on!

PS: Here’s a link to my Ziji article about writing Your Kick Ass Bucket List, in case y’all would like to do one yourself! http://www.zijilife.com/your-kick-ass-bucket-list

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.Ziji Life.com

Day 1 – Living Full On, Every Day, for a Year

Hey hey!

Here I am. Starting Day 1 of this epic challenge, and I am a bit nervous – yet also super psyched!

Today I lived full-on by getting this blog up. Taking on this challenge acknowledges – very publicly – that I believe it IS possible to have at least one moment, every day, of living full-on, being fully present and fully authentic.

Oh yes, there are naysayers. There are those who told me my whole life that my positive philosophy was rose-colored and not “realistic.” That if I “really” experienced the “real world,” I wouldn’t be so optimistic.

Yet when I found beauty as I slept by my dying father, honored to midwife him to the other side; or when I marveled awe-struck in the depth and complexity of feelings that welled up from a broken heart, grateful for the spectrum of human emotions; or when I sat silently next to a fellow human who lost their child in labor and felt the powerful connection and compassion between two humans fully present with one another, I knew I was right. I felt that Ziji – that radiant inner confidence – in what I believe.

It is all a part of a full-on life. Feeling it all, fully. Living it all, fully. Knowing what you want, fully. Receiving it, fully.

Here I walk my talk. And I also open up to the possibility that I may not be able to do it every day. But my goal is to inspire you…to find that moment in every day and to have more and more of them. And I’d rather at least try than not do it at all for fear of failing.

Well, here we go. 365 days of real.

To Your Freedom,

Ana

 

 

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at FreedomJunkie.com/jedi-juice